I am starting this diary for a number of reasons.
To help me work through my issues
To keep track of my progress,
To be accountable
Hopefully also I will find some support from this great community.
I will keep updating regularly as I try to heal the wounds I have made for my family and myself. My only hope is that at some point in the future we will look back on this time as the begining of a new better me.
A little back story about the last few days
As of right now I am 12 days without gambling I last gambled on 25/04/2020, this was small stakes poker with close friends, not my usual games that I would be using to chase losses and cover debt. I now realise this is still gambling and part of the problem
I have destroyed my finances, risked my families security and deleted any trust my wonderful wife had in me.
I am fully committed to recovery and have put as many things in place to stop any further gambling as possible, seek help, and become a better person.
The only thing I care about now is earning back the trust of my wife so we can stay together as a family, although at this time I do not know if this is possible and it's tearing me to pieces.
I will do whatever it takes to prove I am going to be a better person an all fronts.
No more gambling
No more lying or deception,
Be a better husband and farther, listen and be there, put my phone down, support encourage and develope our family into a stronger unit.
Have more time for the other people in my life that love me and I have not given enough time or affection back.
Improve myself, learn a new skill or hobby. Hopefully something that will be good for the family if we can make that work.
I would like to say well done for being gamble free and to keep it going, I can relate to you and your account of things, I am too a compulsive gambler and my last bet was the 5th of March 2020 after relapsing, keep the stops in place and if at all possible hand over all finances to someone you can trust as for me I couldn't trust myself to have access so it has been a help not to have any temptation, gambling and all the bull shix that goes with it nearly destroyed my marriage and my children's lives but I got help and am now receiving professional counselling which I recommend a path to go down, the biggest thing to do is to work at regaining the Trust! That is what hurt my wife the most, it will take time as it is no quick fix, but if your marriage is worth saving it can be saved, but it's up to us gamblers to try and put things right and for not to put our family through it ever again, it's a complex addiction but one that can be put to one side for good, put all efforts in to rebuilding relationships with your family which I have found to be helpful, we will never beat the bookie and do we really want to keep getting on and off the gambling roller-coaster it is and always remember the hurt and pain it caused and think what is important in this crazy life and what is not, there are debt charities out there and I would recommend stepchange but be as brutally as honest as you can be and they should help you, your story is similar to mine, my bags were packed, divorce was discussed and I nearly lost everything but my wife has stood by me but on the understanding I got help and would not gamble another penny out of the bank, she still doesn't trust me and it will take alot of time to put it right,keep positive and never let yourself go down that dark alley gambling ever again!
All the best
Thanks for the supportive words,
I have been in contact with step change and have started the process of bankruptcy (sequestration in Scotland)
Today, day 13 on not gambling. Exactly 1 week after my son's second birthday and 1 week untill my birthday, 5 days after I smashed my wife's whole world apart, has been really tough emotionally.
Have been struggling really bad with the guilt of it all, not helped by my parents asking what I want for my birthday. I truly deserve nothing.
Today we have sent of the paperwork to have me removed from the joint account. I am now officially unbanked. And have no access to any money whatsoever.
I'm struggling to get any real therapy as it's 150mile round trip to the nearest places, I did have a quick phone chat with someone today but the line was bad and it wasn't the most useful.
Trying to stay strong and be a good happy dad for the kids but it's so hard, knowing that it is so close to crumbling into a broken family and loneliness.
You are starting out on the right road,very,very important is to try and keep the communication going with your family,I know how your feeling but you must understand the only person who has put us in this position is ourselves,the crucial thing is admitting and giving in too this dangerous addiction and realising this is no good to my mental health or to the people we love who have become involved through no fault of there own,very important to accept that you have no bank,credit cards and ban yourself from every online bookie and shop when they reopen,try and distance yourself from people who you used to gamble with and explain you are a compulsive gambler,if they are true friends they will look out for you,your wife will be hurting and probably dislikes you right now but you have to accept either way she is the innocent party here and probably is not sure how to deal with this,or understand it,keep in touch and I will try and help you through this.
Thank you for starting a diary and continuing to update us on your progress. Sounds like you have made some really difficult changes such as removing access to the joint account, and you're struggling with feelings of guilt. Maybe it's OK to reward yourself a little for taking these difficult steps?
Sorry you are struggling to find face to face treatment. Sounds like that would be a challenge for you even without lockdown. If you're getting phone treatment through us, sessions should be approximately 50 mins. And if you'd rather see as well as hear your treatment practitioner, we can arrange webcam treatment directly with GamCare - just contact the helpline on 0808 8020 133 or by Livechat if you'd like more details or a referral.
Thanks Deirdre for the advice I'll try to get something better sorted out
Steve you speak the truth and it all makes sense, I'm being 100% transparent and trying to prove I'm worth another shot. It's all my fault they are compleatly innocent and it must of hit her lime a fright train of mistrust and emotion.
I only hope she can fine enough in our past to make a second chance a real option.
Do all you can to get some telephone professional addiction counselling, you will need that for some time, you will need to try and find some answers as to why you've gambled a substantial sum of money like myself over time,you will need to give her time, only she can make the decision if she can trust you ever again or to give you that chance keep the measures in place,you have to show that you committed to beating this dangerous addiction and try to get yourself right,the guilt will be with you forever probably but the most positive thing you've done is come clean and admitted you are a compulsive gambler and want to do something about it to get it out of your life forever.keep focus on your kids, quality time, normal things to distinguish any gambling thoughts that may be lingering or monies lost.
Not quite as emotional as yesterday but still racked with the guilt and sadness at what I have dropped on my family.
We had a very open discussion last night and she is still torn on what is the best thing to do. I will just give her some space, time, total honesty and try to prove my commitment to the relationship.
No urge to gamble whatsoever even though my mates are setting up a game for tomorrow.
To answer your question Steve.
I lost a load of money trading and then to try and make it back and cover my monthly payments I was doing online poker.
Just a quick update today is it's been a couple of days but I'm a little busy trying to rebuild our family life.
Still absolutely no urge to gamble, my only desire is to try and get family life back on track.
I'm still unsure if my wife will let me stay as part of the family, all I can do is be my best me, for our wonderful chdren, for my beautiful wife and for myself.
I have know realised to be the best husband and farther I can and the one they all deserve I need to be happy in myself. I need to close the door on my gambaling past but never forget or get complacent.
I just need to be my best and hope she sees enough good in that, to be willing to give me a second chance.
End of day 18
Bad day today, been weak and emotional Infront of the kids, they don't deserve that.
Been feeling overwhelmed by hopelessness, no real support in my area.
No urge to gamble only to keep my family together but this looks increasingly unlikely, will hope for a better day tomorrow and Try to resume the task of bettering myself and proving my worth.
I'm really sorry you had a bad day today. It's good you came online, if there's no support in your area we're always here and as mentioned above there are good online options.
Nothing is guaranteed but give your wife some time, your family is clearly everything to you and all you can do right now is show your wife your commitment to beating this addiction.
End of day 21 or week 3
Still no gambling or any urges too.
On that note in feel this diary is evolving more into a mental well-being diary or even perhaps about rebuilding my relationship with my wife, makes no difference, I will continue as I do find it helps me process my thoughts.
Had I good phone call with somebody from the local NHS mental health team although it wasn't the longest conversation I found it helped a lot and am really glad I will be speaking to him again next week.
Feeling much more positive and I think my wife is at least willing to try and make things work. still a long long way to go. But for the first time I think I can see some light at the end of the tunnel.
Going to try to stay positive and strong. Keep trying to better myself and be the best husband and father I can