I've started on my recovery journey since 2014 has been literally a financial disaster ! Due to gambling on online slots I've managed to get into a lot of debt which I will be paying back over five years. I am also aware that it has wasted thousands of hours of my life and affected my health and relationships with family. I've started a diary to help me and keep me motivated as this is actually the first time I've admitted I must abstain from gambling altogether. In the past I've self excluded and/or used deposit limits to "control" spending but it is so easy to amend limits and also in a matter of minutes to open new accounts.
Right from being a child I've been fascinated with gambling. I used to dream of winning £'s on 2p pusher machines right back when I was only about 7/8 years old. My parents literally had to drag me away from the machines when we went to holiday parks and I used to cry - never being able to walk away until I'd spent all my money and always thinking it was 'just about to drop and someone else will win all the money I've put in'. Looking back I guess that it's sad. I then progressed to fruit machines and I've always had a fascination with those too. But as a adult, over the last six years or so I've had issues with online slot machines. I remember the very first account I opened and it felt like I used to win all the time - often making a few hundred pounds from just £10 or £20 some days. But then I began spending more than I had got. I ended up in a pawn shop with a thick gold chain and getting a few hundred pounds to put back in the bank after over spending. This is a significant memory from about five years ago as it was the first time I really spent money I couldn't afford to lose.
So now, as 2014 has has seen such a dramatic increase in losses I cannot afford to further increase my debts to what are already at the limits for me.
Christmas Day night was the icing on the cake with a few hundred pound lost from a wage I have yet to receive. This could /should have been used to payback a small amount of savings I have to pay for a holiday abroad. Now I'm at the point where the holiday for me and my family in July simply will not happen if I don't stop gambling every spare bit of cash. It is already booked but I have now got nothing saved up to pay the remaining balance or the spending money we will need. I cannot cancel the holiday therefore I must cancel the gambling !!
So at day 3 I guess you join me on my journey to stop all forms of gambling for good.
Hi boxingday1,
Thank you for sharing so much in your first diary post. It sounds like you have a good awareness of your gambling,how it can impact other areas of your life, not just money, and what you want now.
How are things for you today?
If you would like to look through your options for your recovery from gambling, with a GamCare Adviser, please keep in mind the HelpLine 0808 8020 133 and the NetLine are there for you as well http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline#.VJ_uxl4iA
Warm regards
Rob
Hey and thank you for your replies to my first diary entry. I am amazed how many people there are on here that have similar issues to me. I will focus on my holiday as cancelling is not an option. The difference this time is that I have given up gambling rather than restricted gambling. I believe a person who, like myself, quits smoking for good cannot ever be a social smoker. Now in much the same way I have finally learnt and accepted that I cannot gamble in moderation. It simply isnt sustainable for me. At some point I ALWAYS end up spending a lot of money I can't afford to lose. The thing is that even when I win I have found it increasingly difficult to retain the money I've won. It is usually all played through again till the winnings and more besides is gone. Just a horrible low feeling of stress and disappointment and being annoyed with myself.
I will do it. I refuse to feed the gambling monster !!
Today things are going well. I'm glad I've found this forum to help voice and clarify thoughts and feel support from like minded people. I don't know anyone in my life who has gone through anything similar so to 'talk' to people or 'hear' from people on here is very welcome and much needed support 🙂
I intend to post here everyday in 2015 and want to keep track of my progress to recovery.
Hi boxing day welcome to such a fantastic site.come this july I will have gone 6 months without a single penny gambled and its all from the help from everyone on this site and the ga room I visit for 2 hours every monday night.the biggest thing in stopping gambling is the wanting it yourself.every day I wake up I tell meself I just wont gamble today and the days have turned in to months for me. Take care Scottyboy 😉
Hiya scottyboy and thanks for your words of support. I am amazed that people still come on here like yourself who have been stopped for six months. It is also surprising to learn that you use the online GA meetings too . I think you are right to advise to take it one day at a time rather than big plans for a gamble free future. It's a bit like if you take care of penny's then the pounds look after themselves. Take one day at a time and choose not to gamble then it should create the future we want. I appreciate your taking the time to comment on my post and wish you a good day 🙂
Boxingday1
Hey Emily. It's Clare here ( boxingday1) and yes I figured starting a diary and having a place to go when I'm feeling the urge to gamble would allow me somewhere to write things down and communicate with others in the same position. I haven't self excluded yet as waiting on a pending withdrawal coming back first then I'm permanently self excluding. The sites I use (of which there are several ) all have deposit limits of £10 per month so I cannot use them at the moment anyway. But my fear is always opening new ones which is what I've done many times before when reaching deposit limits on two or three sites.
I wish it wasn't soo easy to open new accounts !!
My holiday booked for July is my main motivation as I have to finish paying it off by April 13 and I need spare money for this purpose.
Hows things with you and your stopping journey at the moment ?
Clare
Hi Boxingday, thanks for the post.
Online slots are just the pits. All fun and games for around 10 minutes and then rapidly downhill after that.
I tried the deposit limit thing quite some time ago. All that happened was I signed up to more sites once I hit the limit. Now every time I decide to stop I self exclude. It doesn't stop me finding a new site when the demons get the better of me but it's getting harder and harder to find sites that I can sign up to, which has to be a good thing.
I'd like to be able to give you some advice but failure struck again yesterday so it'd just be hypocritical of me to try.
Saying that, even though I did fail yesterday, since joining here 2 months ago I've gambled 3 times. Its 3 times more than I planned but it's also 50+ days that I didn't gamble, so it's not all doom and gloom.
Just try and take things each day at a time. There's ups and downs along the way but I figure it's better to be here trying to stop than to not be here and gambling constantly. It's the way I look at it anyway.
Take care
Jess
Hiya Jess and nice to hear back from you. Don't worry about your little lapse yesterday and like you say it's only three days you have gambled out of the fifty odd so you should still be proud of yourself.
I am fully intending to self exclude from all the sites I've joined but one pending withdrawal waiting and once I've got that I'm shutting all down and self excluding - can you permanently self exclude or just a set length of time ?
I hope you find strength in knowing there are lots of others dealing with the same as you. I find it is nice to hear from others who can fully understand and relate to your issues.
Hope you're having a good day today
Clare
Hi Clare,
I am having a good day today believe it or not. In terms of gambling anyway!
I tried the moping around thing, I've decided it's not for me. I'm generally quite an upbeat person, always ranting and raving, but usually upbeat with it. It's the way forward I think.
I'm not sure if you can exclude permanently from all the sites. My guess would be no...purely so they leave the door open to come back to them at some point down the line. I always ask to be excluded for the maximum time. There are a couple of sites that said my account would be permanently closed but most give a time frame in years. I've never had a problem excluding before, not sure why this last one ignored my request. But if it hadn't been that site I used yesterday, I'd have found another one so I can't be too furious with them.
It is quite therapeutic to have a diary, I've used mine for all sorts, gambling and non gambling related. And generally it does work. It's once I stray a bit too far from it things start to come crashing down. Lesson learned on that one.
I've never been off the site today really, every time I've had a spare few minutes, I've read a little bit more. It's never nice to know other people are going through the same hell, but there is something selfishly comforting about knowing you aren't alone. Now there's a statement only an addict can relate to.
We all have to start somewhere and the new year seems as good a place as any to start living the life we should be living
Jess x
Hi jess.
Glad you're having a better day today in terms of not gambling. It's hard isn't it. But we all share the common goal and every day not gambling is progress. It's the first time I've actually stopped gambling altogether as normally I just say I'll cut down. But that's never worked so hey ho have to stop completely.
Im definitely self excluding from all the sites I'm currently signed up to and will feel better once this is done.
I think I'll cancel my bank card too as I often worry about the security of some of these sites especially those which ask for a photo of all your id and bank cards. I'll feel better once I have a new debit card. All my credit cards were shut down a few months ago when I took a debt consolidation loan at the bank so it's only the one bank card I have.
Have you had issues gambling in any other forms like going to bingo halls for example ? I have made a decision never to go there again too.
Late nights are always my normal time to gamble online - doesn't help when TV is rubbish either !
Clare x
Day Four
I've still not gambled since Christmas Day night. I'm pleased that I no longer have to worry each day that I might've miscalculated and overspent using money set aside for bills and rent. I am staying focused using the 'I can't cancel the holiday so I must cancel the gambling' to remind me that if I don't stay strong I won't be able to afford our family holiday booked for July . (Thanks NT for advising to do this).
Hope anyone else reading my post is having a good gamble free day.
Clare 🙂
Struggling a bit tonight as I have time on my hands - money in the bank is all accounted for though with bills due out so I have no money to spend, and I have to stick with this idea of stopping - it can only get easier !?
Thanks Emily.
I have just done that - I have just emailed all the casinos/bingo sites and asked them to close my accounts and self exclude for the maximum time possible, any bets they don't do it straight away though!? They normally send an 'are you sure?' type email!!
Just to be on the safe side I have just phoned the bank and reported my debit card as lost, so it has an irreverseable block on it for any transactions and I have to wait 5 workihg days for a new one 🙂 Gives me NO option to gamble (except using pay pal I guess but I do not have any 'spare' money for that - I have to stay focussed 🙂
Hows things going with you ?
Clare x
Downloaded k9 for my phone last night. Now downloading for my laptop. Will get a friend to set the password ... Let's see if this works !
Great going Clare, glad you have seen the blocking software stuff, some people swear by it & congratulations on Day 4 🙂
I sympathise with the penny pushers, I'm not sure I blame them but they definitely fuelled my unhealthy relationship with money. I see you have now decided enough is enough, I think that that is a vital step in this recovery. I only wanted help controlling my gambling but every success story I read said that to recover was to quit! What a shock but having tried & failed to control it too many times to count, I had no choice but to listen & finally, I am coping!
You sound very determined & will have a few days breathing space by the time you get your card back so keep your focus & come here if you need a distraction - You cannot cancel your holiday, you can cancel the gambling - ODAAT
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