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HONESTY Why FEAR being  

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Why FEAR being honest?

Is it that we feel that being honest is painful?

If we are honest do we fear being rejected or abandoned?

Posted : 4th April 2019 2:58 pm

Because sometimes we can work stuff out and there is a little bit of truth in what you don’t know won’t hurt you.

Everyone has different situations, some folk will handle the truth better than others, we are all different.

Posted : 4th April 2019 3:29 pm










Posted : 5th April 2019 5:24 pm

Well theres the thing because a gambling addiction is a delusional state in which the mind is being controlled

So when reality starts to get a foothold, we are confused and scared about what we have done.

Why fear honesty? Because honesty is the large sum of money we have thrown away.....Honesty is our empty souls and the real reason we gambled. Honesty is not what an addicts mind has been used to.

Honesty is trying to explain a gambling session to a loved one...Its embarrassing as I realise it make no sense. I've done this and its like trying to explain youve seen aliens, faeries or leprechauns at the bottom of the garden. A grown man with no control having just put £700 into machine and £3000+ that year. A grown man with no money left for food or rent.Trying to explain that to my father is one of the reality checks I needed.

Its the fear that they will realise I was defrauding them. I was!! My addicted mind was thinking little white lies but they were huge lies and it was fraud. The fear that they would not understand and c*t me off. The fear that losing their trust would be unbearable.

However it must be faced and the fear must be overcome. There is no shame in admitting to an addiction. I was addicted. I didnt set out to hurt people with an evil laugh. I had no control over what I was doing

Being open and honest is essential for a born again moment and recovery. The alternative doesnt bear thinking about. I was already suicidal and at my lowest ever point. I couldnt go on and the right thing to do just overwhelmed me. Ten months after joing the forum I finally saw a chink of light.

Best wishes to everyone on the forum

Posted : 5th April 2019 10:24 pm

During my child hood when ever I was honest I was punished for it .

Hence in my adult life it took time to learn to be honest.

Do I fear being rejected or abandoned today when I am honest,

For me being honest today with myself and with other people is all part of healthy relationships.

I can be hones with out being cruel.

My honesty to the twenty question means I am being more mature and accountable.

The questions never changed I just got more mature and honest with myself.

Today I understand that every lie caused more and more fears in me.

The reasons for all of my fears was pain, every pain I experienced caused me fears I did not understand.

I do not need to live a facade today, I am able to be myself a much healthier person.

The therapies was the beginning to a much healthier healing of my inner child.

The war stories were the opening to me being honest.

The money was just the fuel to my addiction, my addiction was just a form of me escaping facing myself and my feelings.

My life today is not about right or wrong good or bad but more about being a healthy person I can be.

M fears very much stunted my growth.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave of Beckenham.

AKA Dave L

Posted : 13th April 2019 9:23 am
Posted by: gadaveuk


Why FEAR being honest?

Is it that we feel that being honest is painful?

If we are honest do we fear being rejected or abandoned?


Do you believe in being completely honest all the time? No white lies, no Santa?

Posted : 15th April 2019 8:53 pm


Our honesty is important unless of course we cause another person pain.

There is always of being being nurturing and encouraging with out hurting people.

My facade and walls of fear were a kind of deception.

When people ask you how you are feeling often they do know that we are not quite right.

When I use to say I am fine was a deception.

I use to fear being honest most of the time.

Before my recovery the lies were to avoid being accountable about myself.

After my unhealthy sessions of gambling I wanted to hie so much about how I felt.

Now today if people how I am feeling I can describe my different levels of my feelings and emotions.

My honesty was also about me no longer being the victim.

Yes my honesty today sets me free to be myself.


Dave L

Posted : 16th April 2019 2:00 pm

Sure I get the importance of honesty in recovery.

but I’m wondering specifically where do you draw the honesty line?

  Are you willing to tell a‘ white lie‘?

Posted : 17th April 2019 6:34 am


I needed to understand why would I want to cause a deception to another person.

Am I avoiding responsibility or am I fearing rejection or abandonment.

Because of my past lies and deceptions if I am found out to be untrue in any way then that will adversely affect my relationship with other people.

Peoples ask them self if I am willing to lie about a small thing then what other lies are they hiding.

If we have healthy relationships with a person who I have already betrayed and hurt several times in the past.

Do I want to put that relationship at risk today, over some thing very small.

When I am trying to justify some thing, it often means I am going against my own conscience.

Calling some thing a white lie does not change the fact it is a lie.

 If we are protecting another person and not our self then we need to ask our self if we are found to be deceiving is it worth losing the relationship we have today.

I hope this helps you in some way.

regards Dave

Posted : 17th April 2019 10:51 am

Hi preacher Dave

I think you’re saying you don’t tell white lies. Although that answer, as ever, is served with lashings of GA-psychobabble so it’s not clear.

If that is your view, i totally agree. Once you take a position of not lying about anything- you really do realise that all so called white lies are purely designed to serve your own interest not someone else’s

Posted : 17th April 2019 9:34 pm


You say I am a preacher thank you for your opinion, if you are being sarcastic I am sad for your pains.

I have been an expert in escaping responsibility for my unhealthy actions and unhealthy words for along period of time.

Yet I understand that when I am not true to my word I only hurt myself and adversely affect the trust of people close to me.

In the last week I held back informing my wife and partner that I had a an unusual lump which needed medical attention.

After I had a scan I informed my partner that I Held back for one day the facts about my illness.

Was I being selfish, was I thinking of myself, or was I saving my partner anxiety and fear of my well being.

I do know it took me many decades to become accountable to myself.

So because of my level of recovery do I think I am better than other people, not at all in fact since I took my recovery I recognize we are all equals to each other.Yet some are more willing and able to progress in their recovery by putting time and effort in to getting involved not only in the recovery but being able to understand every aspect of what recovery means to every one.

A newbie has the same value of myself, just because of time off does not make any different to another persons recovery.

There are walkers and they are talkers, at the end of each day am I productive in my recovery, has my lists of needs and wants been fulfilled.

Are my motives healthy, do I trust other people today.

Have my fears been reduced at all.

Has my trust improved today.

Do my healthy actions and healthy words generate pride and confidence in me today.

Do I express my gratitude and appreciation today.

All the time I am looking at other peoples unhealthy ways I am not looking at myself.

I hope you find comfort and contentment in your recovery today.

Regards Dave L 

Posted : 18th April 2019 8:08 am

Hi Dave

In my mind there is an importance difference between being honest and being candid.  Yes, there are clear overlap between the two. However one can’t be expected to be candid all times and to do so would be clearly harmful. 

In contrast if someone has an expectation of honesty- that should be honoured.

I wasn’t being sarcastic calling you preacher Dave. Cheeky maybe. But that is how you come across and i see clear parallels between you and the evangelist preacher in the city centre.

 You seem like a good guy but, as with all preachers, you can be too focussed on the message rather than the personal relationship.

Sorry to hear about your health concerns. I wish you all the best with this.


Posted : 18th April 2019 11:09 pm


Thank you for your honesty.

I an respect that.

With step 12 we should demonstrate life being fearless and a healthy spiritual growth and interaction with all people no matter what they belief system is.

The choice of change to being healthy is mine.

If all I did was tell war stories and talk about money I doubt very much that I would not only be healed some what but would still be living in fears of emotional intimacy.

Your contacting me is appreciated.

Love and peace.

Dave L.


Posted : 19th April 2019 12:24 am

Hi Dave

fair play for dealing with criticism in a positive way- respect for that.

I’m having a bit a tough weekend with family - so maybe I’ve being overly forthcoming.

I’ve never done GA or the steps. But it’s really apparent to me, from many years’ observation, that it’s a more effective means of overcoming addiction and building healthy relationships.

All the best 


Posted : 20th April 2019 11:00 am

Hi Louis

Sorry to hear you are struggling.

I am non religious and the recovery program is about healing.

My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations was a kind of honesty that my hurt inner child was not healed.

I am trying to move from being a preacher to being a nurturing and encouraging healthy person, to demonstrate healthy interactions.

My unhealthy reactions to people at Christmas and special occasions indicated that there was history that had not been resolved or healed.

The wording dysfunctional was used in the recovery at the beginning of my recovery.

Today I understand that dysfunctional behavior was not being able to interact in healthy ways.

That dysfunctional behavior is about blaming which is victim based unhealthy behavior.

That dysfunctional people fear emotional intimacy because of the pains of their past.

The sad fact that dysfunctional people think an apology is about who is right or wrong.

For me an apology is about healing relationships and moving on from the past.

Some people might even think an apology indicates that a a person is weak and that is not true.

In the rooms of recovery we are able to see and feel our self in other people with out being emotionally involved with the pains of those people.

The therapies help us see and feel who we were but more importantly who we can become.

Sadly in my recovery I felt guilty even when I had done nothing wrong.

Being in recovery and started to heal we understand who were yesterday is not who we are today.

No one could stop me gambling that was for sure.

I did not stop from day one that is very true.

Yet by abstaining from my addiction I was no longer causing myself further pains.

Once I stop causing myself pains there is a good chance that my inner child can come our and heal once and for all.

How much do you want to be healthy today.

Love and best wishes to you.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Posted : 20th April 2019 2:57 pm
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