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Has anyone stopped for good?  

 
Lostwife
(@lostwife)

I have just found out that my husband has been gambling again. This has happened before, with credit cards and loans building up hidden debt. He was not honest, and didn’t tell me, I found a betting slip. We have 2 small children and I don’t know how to move forward. I feel completely betrayed, and I have read a lot of stories of wives sticking around and their husbands doing it time and time again (not just this way round). So I’m really wondering, is there any hope of recovery and the gambling ending for good? Or is it only a matter of time before it happens again?

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Posted : 15th January 2019 3:31 pm
Anonymous
 Anonymous
(@Anonymous)

Yes, there is hope and it starts with actively being involved in his own recovery. What I mean is 'your husband' seeking help and sticking to it. He can request your assistance and support and you can decide if and how you can do it. But a loved one can not make a loved quit or support them if they themselved aare not actively engaged in recovery. Others know more than me but I waanted to respond out of caring. As a spouse , seeking help for yourself is probably the first step because it is devistating I'm sure. Take care . I wish you some peaace and answers. tara2

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Posted : 15th January 2019 5:39 pm
Lethe
(@lethe)

Hi

Sorry to see this.

Quick answer is it can be done but the gambler has to want it and then keep on wanting it more than they want another bet. We can't influence it. We can't stop them gambling and if they want to carry on yes, it's only a matter of time until they do it all over again. The best we can do is protect ourselves financially and look for support for ourselves whether that's from forums like this, family, friends or groups like GamAnon.

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Posted : 15th January 2019 6:20 pm
Lostwife
(@lostwife)

He says he wants to stop, and he is actively seeking help - he’s done that, not me. But this is the 2nd time we’ve been through this, and I’m not sure I believe he can ever stop for good - no matter how good the intentions...

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Posted : 15th January 2019 8:49 pm
Anewbeginning
(@anewbeginning)

You must confront your husband and tell him you will take control of his money or leave.

If he is serious about you and his family - the only way to stop this is by you or a close acquiantace receiving his salary directly from source.

If he has no cash he can't gamble.

So step 1 is to remove his access. Read the sticky at the top of this forum which covers every step he must take. But one that will ensure your financial security at least is by ensuring you take his salary into your bank account and to obviously ensure he cant access it.

You could set up a petty cash bank account with an ATM card, not a debit card---where you could send him 10£ a day or something like that.

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Posted : 15th January 2019 9:39 pm
Lostwife
(@lostwife)

Thank you for your suggestion. This is what we did the last time, but he slowly got his card back as he was doing really well and I genuinely believed that he wouldn’t relapse. He got a loan so I wouldn’t notice any money missing, so my concern moving forward is that - even if I take control of his account - he could get himself a credit card or open another account and take a loan? Am I overthinking?

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Posted : 15th January 2019 9:57 pm
Anewbeginning
(@anewbeginning)

Lostwife wrote:

Thank you for your suggestion. This is what we did the last time, but he slowly got his card back as he was doing really well and I genuinely believed that he wouldn’t relapse. He got a loan so I wouldn’t notice any money missing, so my concern moving forward is that - even if I take control of his account - he could get himself a credit card or open another account and take a loan? Am I overthinking?

If he has closed all his accounts and you are in sole control of his only bank account and do not provide him with any statements etc I dont see how he could possibly get any credit off official sources. Maybe a loan shark but he would have to ben really desperate and if in remission going to them lengths to gamble are unlikely. Of course if he is still in a binge and in a desperate situation and hasn't told you the full truth of his position he may indeed go to those lengths to gamble. But if he has been honest and 100% clean with all his debts and is in remission for a few weeks, he is probably unlikely to approach a loan shark?

I am from Ireland though which is fortunate in a way, not that many banks and payday lenders are banned. So not as easy to access credit as it is in the UK.

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Posted : 15th January 2019 10:26 pm
Lostwife
(@lostwife)

It’s a shame that credit is so easily accessible in the UK, it can be dangerous for many reasons. I’m also disappointed how little regulations are put on the gambling industry. Thank you for the responses, I feel there may be a little more hope for him that I initially thought.

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Posted : 16th January 2019 8:18 am
Lethe
(@lethe)

You're not overthinking. There's no such thing as too much info when you're living with a gambler.

Having full control of the bank accounts is part of it. You also need access to his credit report from every agency and check them regularly. All available free from Noddle, Clearscore and Experian through MSE's Credit club. I pay for alerts to be sent to me should anything change in between updates. These reports will show you the full extent of any debt along with any secret bank accounts. It's also worth letting anyone who might f**l for a sob story know not to. Mr L conned the kids out of their savings and channelled funds through my son's bank account. Don't underestimate how devious they can be.

If he has cash, you see receipts to the penny. Check any spending on bank cards to make sure there's no cash going out undercover. I still open any post I don't like the look of. Has he self excluded, registered with Gamstop, planned to attend GA?

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Posted : 16th January 2019 10:11 am
Oldhamktf
(@oldhamktf)

In answer to your first question i think its impossible to say as we dont know the future. I pesonally have stopped for over 3 years now and have not had a slip in that time but i will never say i have stopped for good. to put it in to perspective i recieved an email to a GA open meeting yesterday where one of the people being recognised has done 49 years of abstinence and still attaneding GA, has he stopped for good? i suspect he will tell you he might be further away from his last bet but he is just as close to me as his next one as i am.

I wish you luck take the advice you have been given I know Lethe is speaking from experience.

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Posted : 16th January 2019 11:21 am
Lostwife
(@lostwife)

Oldhamktf well done on a successful 3 years! That is a great achievement! Lethe, thank you for your advice, I suppose I just need to decide if I actually want to commit to this life.

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Posted : 16th January 2019 4:01 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)

There's always hope. Just remember you can't stop him. My husband did the loan thing too. From going to gamanon meetings I learnt all the different methods of gaining money. For me I had to change how I reacted. He handed over finances, no cards, no access. Always supplies receipts for necessities. You have to safeguard yourself so that his gambling doesn't impact your finances. As Lethe says credit reports with notifications helps. I would never think this won't happen again. I get help for me.

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Posted : 17th January 2019 10:48 am
GamHelp
(@gamhelp)

I was a gambling addict for 10 years and caused a huge amount of chaos, ending up in court. But I haven't bet for the 25 years since and in that time have established a career, a family, and a life.

It didn't happen by accident though - have a read of my post at the top of the Success Stories and you'll find out what you need to do.

All the best
Mike

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Posted : 14th February 2019 1:42 pm
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