Worry and Regret

Thanks for dropping by my diary. I shall think in ink tomorrow on my diary.

Stay safe boo ?

Looking forward to February ending today. It’s been an awful month. I’m getting older now. Winter never used to bother me but now I appreciate spring/summer, light mornings and light nights. I look forward to going on days out with the wife and kids to faraway new parks/trails etc. I want to go climbing mountains etc. Basically, I long for the freedom of being outside in the fresh air and doing things that make us all happy.

RR

Looking forward to February ending today. It’s been an awful month. I’m getting older now. Winter never used to bother me but now I appreciate spring/summer, light mornings and light nights. I look forward to going on days out with the wife and kids to faraway new parks/trails etc. I want to go climbing mountains etc. Basically, I long for the freedom of being outside in the fresh air and doing things that make us all happy.

RR

really well done keep it going , youve come a long way since start of diary of 2019.

Hope you are OK. Well almost a third through March already. Brightness and colours emerging 

Stay safe 

Boo ?

No way old.. Peter pan

Yes settling down to life again. Still ziggy zaggy days and moments but.. 

I just get out as much as I can and connect with fresh air.  And yes know what you mean about the TV.. I have a few  netflix dramas on my wstch list. 

Stay safe 

Boo 

?

What a magnificent, beautiful day it is today. Blue sky and lovely sunshine. I went a run this morning in perfect conditions - sunny, no wind and cool but not cold.

Later today, I’m being dragged out of football retirement for the hundredth time. I’m such a big baby. Still thinking I can play against guys half my age. My wife cracks up - later tonight I’ll come limping in to the house.

Work continues to be frustrating due to being quiet and well below capacity. Still waiting for normal to return.

Still not gambling. Still trying to do better, be better etc. 

P.S. crazy to me that a group of men can play football on an astroturf pitch but I can’t get a haircut. I thought it was a wind up but apparently not. Pitch has been booked.

RR

So, as per above post, I played football and tore my right calve. Nightmare. Small tear but defo three weeks minimum until I can run again. Idiot of the highest order. I’ll do it again and again. I miss my running terribly. Its only been a week. My current hobby is sitting on the couch eating rubbish ?

Anyway, no gambling which is great but life is difficult. I long for lockdown to be lifted. I look forward to be able to go out, see friends, have a drink etc.

RR

I got the new John Grisham book today Camino Winds. Very happy about this. Simple pleasures- when gambling I’d have never bought myself a book.

I was also able to lend a  colleague some money last month who needed a quick loan for an emergency. I was happy to be able to help and I’ve told him not to pay me back until he’s able to. It was nice to be able to help. He’s a good guy. Again, this would not have happened previously.

Progress continues. Small steps taken.

RR

Oh hope you heal soon. But you are putting time to positive stuff which is good a d helping others. Good man 

Spring has spring too... 

Life can be very bon Ami at times 

Take care boo ?

Real sorry to hear about the injury and not being able to run. d**n and blast. But am sure you will come back stronger. Being positive, your muscles will have a chance to heal all those little micro-tares but will also remember what they are capable of. It was strange that I hardly ran at all in January/February but then when I did run I was able to go a lot further than I thought I would. Sometimes the human body really benefits from a bit of rest.

Great stuff on your on-going recovery. One of these days I will buy a book. Ive almost forgotten what they are!

Regards, S.A

555 Days without gambling today. Nice number.

Ive been up nice and early today. I got sent to the shop late last night because we needed milk. I went, came back with lots of nice things, lots of chocolate things but forgot the milk - typical man. Anyway, got milk this morning before breakfast - alls good.

Anyway, I’ve got a family thing on today at my parents house. The whole family will be there which isn’t even allowed. I know it makes me a bad person but I despise it. I’ve got major deep rooted issues with my family and I resent being in their company. I don’t enjoy it. I hate how fake it is. We’re not close but every now and again we pretend to be like days like today. From the moment I’ll arrive I’ll be desperate to leave. The words in this paragraph are brutal but it’s how I feel. Its how I’ve felt for years. My sister will be there and she loves it. She’ll be super excited right now and she’d do this every weekend if she could. My brother is like me, feels like me but he’s a good boy and always does the right thing. 

Somewhere there is deep rooted issues inside me linking family with my gambling. I’m not blaming family for this. The gambling was my doing but there is no escape on this earth like deep into a roulette wheel. Time flies snd you think about nothing other than what is in front of you. A few years back, I simply decided to pull back from my family. I don’t visit, I don't call regularly and it works for me. What I don’t see or hear cannot bother me. To the reader this post may seem mental but truthfully speaking my family used to make me angry and resentful all the time. I’m nowhere near as bad today but I still approach today with dread. I’m not looking forward to it. If I weren’t married I wouldn’t go. My wife hates going also but she’s also all about doing the right thing. Its annoying ?

RR

Hi RR... very thought provoking post, its not brutal, its just open and honest and gets your thoughts out in the open. Better out than in as they say. In some ways my family dynamic is similar. When my gambling first became a problem and I didn't have the insight that i have now, I did play the blame game. The reality was that I had harboured resentments that came out sideways as gambling, but the bottom line is that no family member had ever put a gun to my head and said, gamble or else!

I haven't seen any of my family since christmas 2019 but most probably within the next 3 months the "big meet" will happen. But its strange as you suggest, once am there, I will probably be craving to come home, even though my family are lovely people. I love my family but it doesn't feel like a deep connection. Maybe I kid myself. Maybe none of us know the true depths of connection until family members are no longer in this realm anymore.

Great stuff on the gambling free time. Despite everything, you see very stable in recovery and thats to be commended.

Warm regards buddy 

Hi RR I understand how you feel, tomorrow my brother and sister in law will come and sit out the garden with my parents who live in a flat attached to our house. I will think of every reason not to go out there but I will go see my brother I love my brother, his wife ........Family dynamics !! Hope it went ok and you're home now with your mind intact !! 555 awesome and that's down to you and how you've embraced recovery something to be proud of.

Thanks to all for your replies.

So Saturday passed without any issues. It wasn’t so bad. I was still the first to leave.

I’ll approach the next get together with same concern. I have a problem with it. I just don’t like it.

In truth, my issue and major resentment is towards my sister and how my parents treat her. She would take everything from them. She uses and manipulates them on a regular basis and they are blind to it. My parents are in their 70s now and not in great health and my sister will put them in their grave. Her expectations of them and what they should be doing for her is outrageous yet they will never say no. They live their life through her and it makes me sad for them. I have tried to voice my concerns many times as has my brother but they can only see badness in our behaviour.

They’ve bought her cars, paid for holidays, gave large deposits for houses. Last week, I heard she suggested to them that they swap houses. My parents live in a nice, big expensive house. Its not right.

As a consequence, I pulled away from them. I don’t want anything to do with it. I just don’t want to know about what’s happening. Knowing angers and upsets me. Not knowing is the only way. I’m far happier at a great distance. Sad really.

RR