Here I am again!
The last time I was here I thought that I had cracked it for good! How wrong I was!
I closed all online accounts and stopped buying scratchcards and all the things I was gambling on!
Since then I have reopened most of my accounts and a few extra to go with them!
I have sat on live help on sites and told a stranger that "yes I am in control of my gambling" just so that they re open my account, so I can have my fix!
It's like a drug addiction, i sweat and shake and grind my teeth and everything when I cannot gamble!
I just cannot get through the day without a sit down on the laptop on an evening and an hour or two or sometimes 6 of online gambling!
I am sooooooo f*d up and I don't actually enjoy it anymore, I just play to win!
When I am lucky enough to have a win, I spend it all back and usually more on top!
Even when I win amounts of £1k or £2k, which could really help towards what I have lost, I am too stupid and brainwashed to cash it off!
On the rare occassion that I do cash it off, I am spending it again within 24 hours! I have the attitude I never had it so I may as well spend it to win more! I am disgusted just writing this in the way that I have acted!
Yesterday morning I decided to stop again! Yesterday evening, there I was back online! Luckily for me I hit a jackpot of £555 from a £2 game of card bingo! I thought about walking away for about 2 minutes and then what did I do? I went to the slot games!
I have lost soooo much money in the past on online slot games and have ran up credit cards to the limits, totalling currently 10k!
These are costing me £250 per month in minimum payments and still I can't learn my lesson!!
I have also spent 4.5k that a family member gave me as a safety net for the future!
I even thought when they gave me it, don't give me that I will only gamble it away!
As per my title, I keep asking myself WHY ME? Out of all my friends and family, none of them gamble, none of them drive home from work full of butterflies at the thought of an online gamble later and the chance of winning!
None of my friends sit until the early hours of the morning spending cash after cash and then go to work after 3 hours sleep in a professional management job!
None of my friends have got to put themselves through the pain and torture of having to stop! Because I know that is what it will be!
Why did I have to be the gambler amongst my life?
This is going to be a long rocky road, I just know it is! I have made my last ever deposit 11.59 last night!
I did this because my brain seems to have to have a day, time that seems a good time to stop!
This is clearly 1 minute before a new day, so this is why I made this decision again at this time!
New day, new start and all that!
I guess right now I am just feeling low and angry and all sorts of negative emotions and needed to let it out to somebody! Also I need to actively start using this site as last time I stopped, I used to come on here instead of a gambling site! It was very supportive to me and helped so much in the early days!
I guess I am feeling guilty too at the amount of money I have lost!
Although I work full time and more myself and earn a reasonable wage, my partner is in and out of work, being self employed and often struggles to make ends meet! However he will do without something he wants to make sure that I have what I want!
He may give me £40 for food shopping which is all he has left that month, yet I probably spent 80 the night before on gambling!
This is really eating me away, changing me as a person, stopping me sleeping and making me feel sick all the time, especially when I awake in a morning!
Hopefully somebody can sympathise or even just chat to make me feel so not alone!
Thanks for listening and reading xx
Hi Kenneth, I too had this gut felling I couldnt wait for my wife & kids to go to bed & then I was off until the early hours of the morning mine was Poker, but with the help of this site today I am 30 days gamble free, the debts are there & all the other life pressures are still there, but at least I know I can have a stress free night & a cheap night if I dont gamble.
Stay on here, work hard at it it is not easy but it is easier than coping the the aftermath of another gamble..
Good luck my frien & I will be here with you hopefully.
I read your old diary and,I'm embarrassed to say, said something like 'don't want to end up like this, just disappearing after a week'. I'm truly sorry, perhaps I should delete that from your old diary.
Not that I'm any expert, only having 96 days under my belt, but my recovery is working because I come here nearly every day, even when I don't want to (which is quite often, believe me), and even if I don't post
I read read read. That's how I happened upon your old diary. Perhaps you should try a sustained period of the same?
Anyway, do you have a husband or friend you could tell, or someone who could support you? You mentioned a family friend who'd lent you some dosh, do they know? And, perhaps you shoud self-exclude yourself for longer so you're not tempted to go back.
Well I'm on day 3 of no gambling! Think about it every day and the stupid part of my addictive brain even misses it! What I don't miss though is waking in a morning thinking how much did I lose last night! I have closed down all accounts online permanentley so cannot play if I want to! It feels great! I don't feel guilty anymore for spending money we haven't got! Also I have cleaned and tidied my house so much and even got stuck in to a good book! I'm realising that there is more to life than gambling! Hope u doing well andy and thanks for your reply xx
Hi Kenneth, I agree with Jim. Come on here as much as you possibly can and definitely every time you get an urge. Reading and posting is a big part of your recovery. I am a firm believer that 21 days is the cold turkey period. After that things do get easier but you can never be off guard. Instead of closing accounts, block the gambling. Betfilter or Gamblock. The money they save is worth the price you pay. I was just like you. Now 77 days in I have had 3 pay days where I have not gambled one penny. That makes me feel great and in time you can feel it too. This is the one most important thing you can do with your life. Well done on so far, keep going. Don't give up. You can do it! Take care. IanB.
I agree with the above posters and would encourage you to keep coming on here just to see what gambling WILL lead people to. It's worth reading the New members section as well as they will also have been fresh from major losses.
As for your first post, it's worth remembering that gambling turns you into the person that you really don't want to be.
So why gamble?
For some very lucky people who have never gambled, it's the easiest question in the world.
Unfortunately for you and all of us on here it's a tricky question.
It's all about making all the right choices in your recovery journey.
All the very best and look forward to seeing you around on here.
Well. Hi to all. I have just sat and read through all my old posts from over two years ago and cannot even remember writing them. I have been brainwashed by the gambling demon.
I have returned. Sadly and ashamed I am still a compulsive gambler.
have been on and off the wagon for two years.
been fortunate that I have come into a fair amount of money from various life events and I have tbh it has brought me back to the deep dark sad place of gambling.
I have spent everything I have with my last loss being 1100 two days ago. Leaving me with a very small amount of savings.
I am upset, gutted, ashamed and diagusted that I am in this position.
my family still have no idea and think I am depressed for other reasons and I just let them think it rather than tell them the truth.
I am 30 years old and not well iff and could have been.
I now need to c*t down my social life to try and save funds to make up what I have lost.
I am totally gutted but guess I need to accept its tough, I made my bed!
Whats worse is that I contacted the site that I spent the 1100 on and because I had two accounts with them, one being self excluded a long time ago. I tried to blame them and basically demanded my money back. They soon put me in my place. To which I asked them to look again or I would report them to the gambling commission. They ended by telling me they would not reply anymore.
I need help and thats why I am here.
the urges are higher than ever and I am mardy as hell.
Lifes too short. If I don't beat it this time round I never will.
I know this site can help me.
looking forward to chatting to others that understand.