I echo duncs thoughts, I can see by the way u have thought thru ur first post on here a great deal and shared fully how much it means to u succeed at this and show ur partner a better version of yourself that you will succeed. Addiction to gambling is tough because it likes to hide so in many ways ur partner like my family were unable to see the harm occurring. If there's one piece of advice that I gave myself a couple of years ago it would be to bring ur partner into this, show them your first post and ur intentions and then work at it together. If ur on ur own in the battle its harder. All the best adam
Hello. This week has been very busy because we have just recently moved house, so I have not had much chance to even think about gambling. However, I have been listening to the football on the radio the last few days and an advert offer made me think a little too much then I wanted to, It made me think about how good the offer was for me if I was still gambling but stopped myself from letting that thought follow through. This has been a good test that my gambling mental block is working and gives me much positive hope for further tests to come.
Debt wise has been looking a little positive to. Since my last post the two company playing hardball have now been a little more helpful in accommodating my situation and I will only need to ring one of them now to finalise a plan. This has eased some stress and pressure I had been feeling and will help my mental health too.
Leading on to the most challenging part of my recovery, my relationship with my partner. It has been stagnated and seems to have gone back a few paces over the past 2-3 weeks. From the start it was rock botham and was grandly taking it slowly and believed to have made some progress. It was at the stage where we were talking to each other often, lathing and having a joke, being silly with each other, having some emotional contact and meaningful kissing often, more relaxed around each other and just gradually building a platform until it suddenly stopped. My partner seem to have withdrawn away a few weeks ago and it has now gone back a few paces. This is only my vision but it seems like she has stopped to put a guard up to avoid becoming more emotionally involved and letting herself push me to a distance. There are many life factors that are more likely the reason for this starting with just moving house and the other stress that comes with it. There is a lot of work to be done still including all the complications and delays that comes with it and will take a long time until it is in a more accommodating state. Also, we recently put in a referral for my daughter to be tested for autism. Over the past 6 months it has been more apparent that she is showing very strong behavior traits that can not be linked to just learned behavior from myself and my son whom we both have autism. The challenges, stress and extra effort that come with living with myself and my son with the condition was difficult for her and now it looks like my daughter will need the help too which I understand will feel overwhelming and stressful. My partner is also mixing her working life between home and at her place of work to fit in with everything that is going on which adds extra pressure for her who already has a very challenging job to say the least.
So there is a lot there to take on and very time-consuming and exhausting before even thinking about trying to let me in a little with the remaining last few hours of the day before she sleeps or the few minutes in between each task and challenge she takes on daily. All I can do is help as much as I can, which I am currently doing. Taking on a load of manual tasks for the house and being involved with decisions with the kids. Trying to make her feel relaxed and do anything to help her distress temporarily among other things I can not think of on the top of my head right now. I will also still continue to make the effort in opening up to her, giving and showing that emotional output to try to connect again and just trying to be there when I can in case she needs me. I think my worries is that if no extra progress is made for a much longer period that it would be harder to make something of it later on, but I am still thinking positive and doing everything I can to make it work and show it can work. Like I have been continually saying, I can only show and say as much as I can and hope my partner can see me like she did before but also the new and better version I am now then I was before. I believe we are good as a team and work well together so that is another positive thought to hold onto. If there is a bit of progress then I know this will help me move on with my recovery and make me stronger with other challenges to come. I like to add that tonight is the first time I have seen my partner laugh, smile and look happy after a normal catch up with her sister for a while and that is really nice to witness, and then she came in to give me a cuddle after. I want to help her be like this more often again and these little moments helps spur me on to keep fighting for our relationship.
It sounds to me as if she is probably quite exhausted, she has a lot going on! You all do! You said you help as much as possible and I am sure you do but sometimes life takes over & especially when you have children with special needs and a partner too. Have you thought about relate, they are relationship counsellors? In the meantime could you help her feel relaxed and say (example) I’ll cook tea tonight, I’ve run a bubble bath for you go and chill! Even take the kids for a short walk round the block while she is in there? Those little things will mean the world to her, especially if she’s working and then the kids and moving too! Hope you manage to work it out
Hello and thank you for your reply.
Yes I agree she is under a lot of pressure and everything has been effecting her mental health too. Relate sounds interesting and something I would be willing to do but I am not so sure my partner will be currently willing right now. I appreciate your suggestions in helping more and I like to think I do. I cook most of the time when I am not working, I love to give her foot and head massages and cuddles daily and we do not have a bath in the new house. I would say I could occupie the kids more when we are both at home.
Even when doing all of this she seems to be pushing me back more. She has not initiated any long intimate kissing, touching, hand holding for a while now and it is heart breaking. I have to try and stop myself crying at times.
I have changed for the better, I have the most determination in me that I will not gamble again or I know I will turn to someone before I ever did. I really want the new house to feel like home but my mind is stopping me for doing so because I need to see some progress of some sort. I believe it is a way my mind in trying to protect me but I just want us to be one happy unit again.
My partner and kids are my whole world and the thought of not living with them in the future is different to think about and something I do not want to happen. I am using alot of strength to fight for a romantic relationship and it is more difficult then giving up gambling but I have to stay positive.
There is nothing new to add on the gambling and debt side of things. Yes I had struggled a little bit more with how the thought has gone through my head more times I wanted to this week but nothing I could not handle.
The mean reason I am writing this post is more to use as a platform to write to myself and just get of my chest in how I am feeling and about my relationship which means or shall I say meant so very much to me. I say this after finishing a talk with my partner wanting to end it. If I let myself jabber on it will just be contradictory and just would not make sense. One of the biggest frustrating side of it all is that my partner has always concentrated on the negative parts of problems and life and she brings herself down with it. I always tried to pick her up and see the world as not just doom and gloom which worked sometimes but not always. The problem is that like me her mental health is very low right now and my relapse had added to that but I will finally admit to myself that it was not all my doing, not even half of it. She has become so low now that she has shut me out altogether (wheather it was intensinal or not) and was not allowing herself to embrace or let me in. I was just fighting a losing battle and I still can not stop fighting for her. I have been doing all I could for her to ease as much pressure as possible but taking up most of the house chores, keeping the kids occupied as much as possible as and when I was home, giving her as much space, time, comfort and love I could give while concentrating on what I needed to for myself at the same time, I would do so much for the women who has done do much for me in the past (not saying I have never done anything for her in the past) but like I said she has not embraced the effort like I hoped she could. Of course you all do not know how our relationship over the 11 years was like and you have only my word for it but I will sum it up truthfully let me I have always done on hear. Yes it has not been an easy ride, tell me relationship for that period of time and longer that has not. There where a lot of struggles with my disabilities, later on the kids disabilities and my gambling but truthfully it has not just been me adding the pressure to the relationship. At the beginning my partner was controling, her health had a major impact on our s*x life and her self esteem, her work and mental health in all. Me losing my job to no fault of my own and her struggles to see past negative thinking also included. There where points in the relationship where I the optimist thought this could not last any longer and I would be lying to myself if I said I never thought about ending it befor. But actually thinking back through it all there has been so many good points and times together through the relationship and I would say more then the worst. I am not just saying that either. Even though we are quite a bit opersit we where/ are a fantastic team, we made each other laugh, smile happy. We where comfortable around each other and could be happy sitting in a room doing different things and be happy knowing each other was there. There is so much more I could say but can not think of at the top of my head right now. We are very good and caring parents too and work well collaborating together to give them the best as we can. This worked not just because she became my best friend but because of the romantic love we had for each other.
One of the points my partner mentioned was that the s*x had not been enjoyable ever since I came out to her about my latest relapse and what if it never is again if we continued trying. My thought on that is we have been through that befor and after a long period big time we got through it. The s*x for at least half of the relationship has been difficult because of previous releases, her physical health and mental health but my love for her meant more and it became better because of it. Also with that thinking then it would be difficult to get better because you are not letting yourself believe and saying it will fail before it has started.
To be honest I have lost track of what I wanted to say and not sure there was any real purpose to this thread except giving myself a chance to vent and just write down the thoughts in my head of the moment and see what came next.
I will be going back home soon to exspected awarkednes and probably a final conclusion to my worst nightmare of the relationship finally being over. The funny thing is that I say to myself for my birthday next month all I wanted was for my partner to embrace me a little bit and even touch me a little just so there was something to hold on to and work on. I guess it was just a dream and another one of my optermistic thoughts but it was nice to think about when it lasted. When I get home I will still fight for us because I know there is a lot more we can give each other but most of you would think what is the point. The point is because there is actually a lot still to fight for, we have still so much potential as a relationship and what we can give each other that we could not do if we where apart. Also she needs my help right now and I can give her a lot more of it being together then not even if she can not see that.
Anyway I will stop typing or I will just go on and on and will probably just start another post tomorrow or the day after. I just wanted to say thank you gamcare for having this platform available to me just to write my thoughts and all aspects of my recovery. This time it has really helped me tenfolds then before and I have noticed the improvement in counciling and other support networks and software/ programs that was not there before in previous relapses or just was not noted to me at that time. Yes I am wholeheartedly doing this for myself but I have been doing this for my kids and relationship too.
So here I am once again, and I am just going to talk about what is going on in my relationship for this post.
So after a few more days since my last post and fighting until my last breath we both agreed to continue trying. We know it's going to be extremely difficult, but we have some strong basses to build on. The last week has been slow but been showing some promise. I had been continuing doing what I had done previously with a little more effort on top and honestly it has been tiring and my partner had started to open up a little by initiating small kisses and cuddles and even a bit of touching. Last night was more promising on the touching, but I was not going to read anymore into it. So everything was going in the right direction but today I made a terrible mistake even I can not really explain why I did it and it had nothing to do with gambling.
So today I had been thinking more to why my partner has been so depressed to help her more apart from my mistakes I have done and the damaged I have caused which is very obvious but thinking other reasons why. One thought that had troubled me the most was is she looking for something else with someone else and I have said that thought before in a previous post. The strange thing is, I do not believe one little bit she was doing anything like this, and she told me that she has not and I believe her. So, I am even more confused to why I had made this terrible mistake I will explain about soon. Was it just my own insecurity creeping in and trying to and successfully over run my natural thoughts and perception. I had thought a lot more things also and the majority was me thinking about how lucky I was to still be in a relationship with the love of my life. Including how wonderfully beautiful she really is, How I just love touching her and how much I am deeply in love with her.
So the inexcusable and very damaging mistake I had done which has wiped out all the effort I had made over the past few months in less than a minute is because I unlocked my partners phone, stared at the front screen for around 15 - 20 seconds and when I was just about to lock it realising what I have done and how totally stupid it was, my partner walked in. That was it, time stood still and my heart sank to below the earth. I did not look at anything and was not going to but I still unlocked the phone. I had been told the password a number of times before but I never remembered it which made the situation more strange and complexing. The password for some reason just popped into my head and I for some reason just opened it right at that time and that is it. I had no thought of going through and looking for anything and did not act on doing so either. I spoke about my insecure thoughts before typing what happened in this post because I thought it was more to do with that but thinking over and over again trying to make sense of it all even after talking to my partner about it, I truly believe this was not the reason. There actually is no reason to it, the password for some random reason popped into my head and the phone was on the bed at that time and I just tried it out to see if it was correct and if it would work, That is it. Even I would not believe that if the tables were turned so god know what damage I have caused for no reason at all. When she caught me just as I was locking the phone even made it look worse and more suspicious especially as I panicked to. Over the 11 years there has been umpteen times when her phone was in the same room with me alone and I never once had attempted or even thought about looking through it, even when times were bad. When talking to my partner about it, I was still trying to make sense of it myself. I panicked, so I was explaining the few thoughts going through my head that day trying to give an explanation to why I had decided to open up her phone but now I know this was not the reason at all and it was just what I said above. How can I actually explain to her the full truth when I know she will not believe me for a second and no one else in the world would either. I am currently up to early hours in the morning wrapping my head around this thinking about the extensive damage this has now caused. I had not looked at anything and I now know I had no intentions or reason to go further into the initial part of opening up her phone but the fact stands that I did open it up, I have broken her trust just for that action and to add to all the miss trust I had given her previously due to my gambling addiction. How can she trust me ever again when she was already struggling to do so, and I was putting every bit of energy I could to show her she could. Her mental health is so low right now and I go and do something so idiotic making it seem like I do not care at all but I completely do.
Now please do not take this part as seriously as it may sound but straight after talking to my partner I truthfully thought for a good few minutes, what Is the point of living anymore when everything I try to make things better just fulls apart with my own doing. Knowing there was nothing to it but still being so damaging to our relationship has now not help me hating myself just when I was starting to get past this feeling. The stupidity and just the random act of it is just so obscure and unprecedented just makes my problem a lot worse for everything that is happening and what I had been trying to do to make things better. I am 100% NOT suicidal. I am going to chat to someone after writing this post. I have always been completely honest on here and will always do so even when it may look bad for me when someone else reads this because there would be no point writing and helping myself on here if I was not completely honest.
I am baffled, lost, silently panicking, contemplating my existence, stressed, tired, unhappy with myself amongst other things. I am scared that this has now ruined everything I have worked on for the relationship to continue and work. I have wiped out every good and correct step I had made. I have moved one step forward but 5 steps back. I am aware that people with autism like myself do things that look and seem suspicious when actually it's just an innocent or random act that has no meaning or intention of harm. I have done this before and mainly without knowing but I refuse to use this as an excuse even if it may have a good chance of being the reason.
I do not know where to go from here and I don't know what else to say.
Just seen your post and feel your pain but we can all do things without thinking you know that with your gambling your impulsive that's an axe all problem gamblers have to face, you've picked up the phone like we pick up things and play about with them in our hands. Has your partner took this really bad as I don't know what you said as was a lot to read, I know how down you feel as I've been there but not being strong at the time I was stupid and made the biggest mistake off all by acting on it,but that's the past that I totally regret. It's a horrible thing when your mental health is having problems as that play's a big part off how we see things. All I can say as these things take time I know you may think that's a stupid thing for me to say, IF your partner is suffering due to the gambling this is understandable but if it's something else that's going on I bet you just want to get to the bottom of it as seeing our loved ones in pain is horrible so you could've been thinking that way, or even if for a minute you thought someone else was involved that's a common thought for a gambler. We all have thoughts and feelings and sometimes these don't make sense even to ourselves. Try and get some sleep and talk to your partner honestly when she awakes, sometimes things look worse than they are. I wish you all the luck in the world in sorting things out
Hello and sorry for a late reply. I would like to thank you for taking the time to write a comment.
Yes we all do things without thinking but I still believe my action would of been a bit more excessive to most other people and why they would not see the truth.
I did not understand to well what you asked about if my partner took it badly. If you meant did we have a shouting match or she was screaming at me then no because we never deal with our problems or talk to each other that way. She was though very upset that involved the very disappointed and when will this going to end look. It happened one week after deciding to try again and see how it goes and it was starting to go ok until then. Now it seems like she is finding it harder and putting a cover on it. Before the incident there was some genuine growth, effort and willingness from her but now after it feels more mixed, more uncertain and more inconsistent. This is what the incident has done to all the effort and hard work I had put in for our relationship and my recovery. I can not expect much from her now and try to remain optimistic if that is possible. I am still doing my best to help with her low mood, self esteem and mental health and then trying more slowly to generate something in our relationship but she can fully end it any time and possibility of that feels more upcoming then ever before and I know we have a lot more to give each other. If I did not make that strange mistake then I do believe we would be in a slightly better and stronger position but like always I go to ruin it all again on my own.
There had been times where I thought someone else was involved but not as strongly as first thought after she told me herself there was no one and I do honestly believe her. Even when hearing what she says sometimes in her sleep can be confusing or make you think twice again slightly but I still believe her and have no reason not to. The one thing we have both never done is cheat on each other and if she did she would of truthfuly told me.
Amounts other things my partner is suffering from the gambling and the trust issues that goes with it and this is the part I am trying so hard to re-build and show that she can again. This is my part I have played in her mental health and I am not proud of it and it kills me knowing I have helped her feel this way. I do believe I am in a great place in my recovery, much more then any other time and feel so positive that I can continue this forever (I never felt like that before). I have a better and more structured plan and process in place and a much better mental capacity over it even with everything else going on. I feel like a much improved version of myself, the person I should be without gambling and I feel I have put a very strong padlock on that gambling door. It is to early to tell if my partner will see this and afraid it would be to late if she does. No matter what bad comes my way, what I have done to mess up a good thing or ruin my progress I will still have hope and fight to prove that our relationship is a great thing for both of us and I can make my partner happy again with me like we where or even better then we where at before I told her about my last and final relapse. If I gamble again which puts me in a lot of debt again then I have promised to walk away and I will but I know in myself I will not be making this mistake again, I believe in myself and just pray she believes in me and us.
Thank you again for your reply and hope this answers your questions.
I can tell from what you've wrote that you really love your wife and it's a horrible situation to be in. We all make mistakes my friend and it's how we deal with those mistakes that Devine us, in a world full off mistakes make yourself the cure, I really hope with all my heart that your wife's mental health problems get easier to deal with having ptsd myself I understand only too well how mental health effects the way you are and it can make you feel so drained you've nothing left inside but it's not just one thing that does that to you it's a accumulation off things some big some small, so please don't put all the blame on yourself plus I really do believe that your done with gambling, as just take it one day at a time and always remember it's a devil's addiction and your not the only one caught in this spider's web. I wish you and your wife all the best for now and the future as the past is dead and gone and all we can do is learn from that. Chin up my friend