Time to start my diary ...

Hi Equinox

I hope you managed to stay away from the casinos. I am sorry I missed your posts - not saying I could have told you anything you did not already know at the time but sometimes I think we just need someone to tell us the obvious rather than listening to that ridiculous internal voice.

I think we have both got far enough into this to realise it is nothing to do with the money. It would not really matter how much or little you took out of the building society and walked into the casino with, you were going to walk out with nothing -  you might win a bit, you might lose a bit but soon enough you would get into that trance like state of betting without a care in the world for the amounts you were betting and losing until it had all gone and you would have slunk out of the casino, pretending everything was fine but utterly despising yourself.

A comment you made to me a week or so ago after my recent relapse really hit home was the risk I was taking in losing all trust and respect from my family by continuing to gamble.  It stung a bit but was what I needed as I was really thinking I had got away with my recent relapse because I had not really lost anything financially as I had only lost winnings rather than my own money. You are in the same position, my friend, this nothing to do with the money, this is about having the trust and respect of your family.  We have a lot more to lose than a bit of cash.

I've have just subscribed to this topic so hopefully I will get a notification when you post.

Stay strong and stay away from the casinos.

Muststop123

A few days have passed since the other night's ridiculous dilemma. 

Night's like that makes me realise that I'm every bit as addicted as I ever was. Given the chance I'll always look to bring gambling into my life. Maybe I'm slow on the uptake, but I'm starting to think that this is something I'll never shake off for the rest of my life. Which is a nauseous thought. 

I'd like to go to counselling or maybe attend some meetings but don't feel like I'm a worthy cause yet. Which is probably me just being pig ignorant thinking my life hasn't been as damaged as it needs to be to do something about it. 

Positives are that blocks are still good-ish and that night's like the other night happen as often as Halley's comet. 

Hi Equinox,

Should you change your mind about getting extra support for yourself then give us a call on our helpline 0808 8020 133 or via our Netline.  You deserve the help just like all our callers.

Best Wishes

Forum Admin

Reluctant to say this but this my diary and I want to be honest - I'm still feeling massive romance towards the idea of gambling. Believing I can enjoy it and control it. I want to join GA but part of me is reluctant to commit to quitting forever. I know that's the addiction and the rosey specs doing their job, but it's how I feel. But the first step will always be put the block in place. Join SENSE and Gamstop. 

I believe that quitting gambling is one of the easiest addictions to control. Gamstop and SENSE will do all the hard work for you. Unlike other addictions, where there's always bundle of other ways to get the hit - but with gambling the blocks are rock solid. The gambling industry is so regulated and keen to be seen to do the right thing, if you want to stop, it's as easy as filling out two 5 minute forms.

I'm sure there are other work-arounds but this would sort it for the majority of gamblers. 

Just imagine after a stinking hangover, and in the spare of the moment, full of drinking regret, you could sign a declaration saying no more drink for 5 years. Or if this was the case for cigarettes or drugs. Problem sorted, for the most part. 

I still pop into the threads here most days but don't post much because I wouldn't be practicing what I'm preaching. 

Gambling is still a struggle for me, and I've blipped maybe 4 or 5 times in land casinos since my last post but I've been restrained and there's no damage done.

It's probably an excuse, but it's been an emotionally tough time these last few years caring for someone I love decline and decline and decline with a terminal disease. It's over now. No need to go into details, but I think seeing life up close like this triggered some sort of change in me. It sounds selfish, but it brings up all sorts of existential issues. And gambling was a perfect outlet for an emotional time-out and get some quick distracting thrills. I recognise that for most of my adult life I've always had a tendency towards being a bit reckless with my habits, but this situation probably exacerbated things for me and discovering gambling was maybe unfortunate. Gambling was, and if I'm honest, still is a perfect escape. 

But, to end on a positive, if I stand back and look at my gambling addiction and give it a grade, I'd give it a C- compared to the f -back in the day when I was busy spending every moment gambling online. So, all in all, the trend is good. 

Hard to think it's four months since I last posted. 

Since everything has shut down due to Covid, I can honestly say I haven't given a second thought to gambling at a land casinos. My Achilles heel.

Not sure what this means, but I'm happy to know that if gambling isn't available I can let it go completely. 

I will try to not get complacent when things begin to reopen but, for the moment, this seems like a victory for me. 

I hope that there are many more like me, who when the opportunity to gamble is removed, you suddenly feel much more in control of your actions.

Surprisingly, 10 months have passed since my last diary post. I still drop in to the forums every few days. They are a reminder of how no good comes from gambling. 

The longer I've struggled with gambling (which is only a few years), the less I feel the need to write about it ... because I find I'm saying the same things over and over again to myself.

And I think what I have to say doesn't amount to much compared to the rock solid security of the blocks provided by having Gamstop in place. I genuinely think that during lockdown I would have spent every last penny and probably moved onto my credit cards if I didn't have Gamstop in place. 

I have to admit I still feel the urges.  I did read the Alan Carr stop gambling book a few weeks ago and, while I was reading it, got very frustrated by what I saw as a lack of clear and practical advice - but within a day or so I found sentences from the book visit me and unexpectedly re-shape my thinking towards gambling. It's definitely worth a read if you haven't read it. 

I think land casino's are still a stumbling block for me but with lockdown the threat has completely dissolved. 

I bought a roulette app game for my iPad a few weeks ago to try to re-enact the thrill of being at the roulette table, but I deleted it after a couple of days. The big loud voice in my head told me very clearly that this was a waste of good life, and I agreed wholeheartedly. 

Still happy to say that I feel very distanced from gambling urges and I'm in a much better place, emotionally speaking. I don't keep track of how many days since my last gamble, but it's been a while now. 

It's such a lovely feeling to be unburdened of the gambling guilt and regrets. A feeling that doesn't wear thin. 

When I don't gamble I appreciate the real value of money and I'm lucky that I've been able to rebuild my finances back. I'm finding I'm really enjoying the simpler things - going for long walks, reading, netflixing ... instead of wanting a cheap gamble thrill. 

I'm self employed as an artist and every pound I earn I'm very grateful for - and the thought of blowing a month's sales on a roulette table seems a little abhorrent now. 

I'm grateful that lockdown has really helped my productivity. At the start of this year I decided I'd work flat out to try to build a 'commercial' body of work that would generate a steady income as prints and so far it's worked well (ish) and I'm a lot more confident that things will work out financially in the long term. Productivity beats the unproductive sessions I'd sneak down to London and sit slumped at a roulette table trying to earn easy cash. 

I still need to be vigilant and not get complacent, but in a day to day way, I'm very happy with my recovery so far. 

It still surprises me - and reassures me - that I've got nearly three more years of Gamstop in place. I count my enrolment on to that scheme as one of the best things I ever did in my life.