Yesterday wasn't a good day - let myself down by putting some money on roulette. I told myself, it was a one-off and was my level headed choice - and I'm still trying to tell myself the same thing. But it's not what I was aiming for yesterday.
A couple of unexpected things triggered it.
A few of months back when I told my loved one of my gambling - I told her I think it was getting a 'bit out of hand' - so I gave her £1000 of my winnings and told her to keep it safe (I'd only gambled with my money and I was 'up' at the time). She hasn't spent the money yet, and yesterday she said shall we use some of the 'gambling money' to buy some general stuff. I'd just met her after work for a lovely coffee and we were being all light-hearted about it (she doesn't know I've been back on the gambling sites as much as I have and I've lost all my winnings plus a chunk of my savings). But maybe it was just talking about the 'winnings' and the general sense of them being acceptable, got me all revved up to the idea of repeating my luck. I think that would have remained an 'idea' but - and this is the big 'but' ....
.. earlier in the day I got a letter from the Inland Revenue saying I'm due a tax refund - because I packed in my job last December and haven't hit a profit since starting being self-employed, I was due a refund on some of my PAYE tax. This cash boost was totally unexpected and amounted to a few hundred pounds.
So no prizes for guessing my next thought. I deposited a £100 - then it was the same predictable story - a bit up, withdraw, a bit down, cancel withdrawals, a bit up, withdraw, a bit down, a bit more down - cancel all withdrawals and then all money gone.
I don't know what to think. It's bad, there's no doubt about that. I'm back to feeling like s--t. A real sense of betrayal. But I want to keep looking at this objectively and honestly.
Bad points: Like an idiot I auto register to a 'new' casino to try to relive the good ol' days. Like clockwork, all goes wrong and I end up wondering what the hell I was thinking. I feel a renewed sense of shame, betrayal and embarrassment having to write this - I feel as if I'm letting down the anonymous people here on the forum who've offered support and strength to me. I was tempted to just 'forget it' and not mention it in my diary - but that would make this diary as pointless as my roulette dreams. My money situation isn't good - I'm running off radidly evaporating savings - when they're gone, I'm going to be in hot water. I painfully saved for years to build enough to allow for the slow earnings of self-employment, and I'm currently living a very basic life with minimal spending (but happy with it) - no new clothes, holidays, luxuries - but don't want to blow it all on my reckless roulette habit. That would be totally moronic.
Not so bad points: It was only a part of the tax money (so far...). I know 2 weeks ago, last night I wouldn't have been able to walk away and I would have chased using all, or most of the tax refund, convincing myself that it was unexpected money that I didn't have a few hours before - so it's no 'real' loss. Also positive, is that I'm back here - still trying to tackle my habits - facing my own music, much more aware of my actions and still looking to kick the habit - something that wasn't happeing 5 days ago. Thankfully, the bulk of the refund is still in tact, and let it stay that way - because it will go along way to help pay some real-life bills.
I need to really put some time into thinking about this habit. And also sorry to the people who have offered their support in my diary. I did watch a youtube video last night where some guy suggested that everytime you want to gamble - you just replace it with another activity. Without fail, you have to do this. I'm going to give that a try. I really like Slaughterhouse 5 - so I'm going to dip into that novel, every time the urge returns. I'll take it with me wherever I go.
I'm still trying to feel positive - and I'm hoping this was a relapse. Yada yada yada. I know that sounds lame.
Also, it's worth mentioning that I had a second, less celebratory, conversation about my gambling to J a few weeks back - telling her that I'd blown a lot of my winnings. She did give me a ton of warnings, advice and support. Her career has involved working with people with serious drug and alcholol addicitons - and she knows how addiction ends unless you take ownership of your actions. Earlier the better. Talking to her was like talking to my very own Yoda, and she warned me to take control - and I promised her I was done with gambling. And I really want that to be true.
So - 0 days gf.
I'm going to log on again in 1 week's time - and if I can't say that I've haven't gambled: I will tell J about the difficulties I'm having and I will go for counselling.
I'm also going to remove my credit cards from the house. I've got about 5 or 6 - I've not used them for gambling yet (thank god) - but I'm at the point now where I don't fully trust myself. Because my credit rating was good and I was earning when I got them - they have about £90,000 available credit - I'm getting nightmares just thinking how badly that could end. I'm heading up to visit my mum in a week or so (she lives 200 miles away) - I might leave them all up there, out of harms way. Or just cut to them up might be easier.
I'm going to do some work now and stop focusing on me and my d**n gambling.
Edit: I've just cut up my three main credit cards and put them in the bin. I've closed the accounts of another 3. In a few days, I'm going to cancel my bank card and get a new one a remove the 3 digits on the back so it's stops me making online purchases. I'm going to try to be cash for the forseeable future - and buy Amazon and Netflix gift cards and stuff like that for a lot of the things that are linked onto the card. Feeling much more positive and it feels wonderful to shut down card accounts - it's like building an immunity from disaster. Still a long way to go though.
Sorry to hear about the relapse/blip/mistake, not sure best description.
No one is judging you, we have all made mistakes or we would not be writing these diaries.
Sounds like you are trying to put some more barriers in place so just make sure they are strong enough for you.
Keep positive and try not to dwell on yesterday.
Muststop123
Get yourself back on that horse mate and go again.
Relapses will happen. They happen to the best. It’s how you bounce back that is important.
Recommended option would be to come clean properly. Telling just half the story leaves you accountable only to yourself which is a weak position to be in when the urges hit.
Have you looked into counselling? Gamcare offer free sessions which seem to be well thought of here. You will need to identify and address whatever it is that's driving the compulsion.
How many times do I need to be punched, smack bang on the nose, by a big loss to finally get the idea that gambling really doesn't pay? It's like a groundhog day that I just don't learn by.
I'll should copy and paste this each day until it finally begins to sink in. Because it's absolutely pointless posting anything else until I do something different. LIke not gamble, to be more specific.
Thankfully, today was controlled damage. But damage, nonetheless.
And, to be honest, I feel as bad as if it was 'big damage' - because of a kind of nagging 'hindsight' self-betrayal - I, deep down, realised it wouldn't pay. It's easy to say that after losing. The voice of 'come on, just one more bet will make it better' has now made a quick exit, and is now replaced by the self-loathing voice, lashing out 'you effing dumb eff-er, don't you effing ever effing learn?'
Total j**k. Only positive is, I've just arrived in London, as good as on the doorstep of a temping casino, but j**k me, tonight, will definately be giving it a miss. A small mercy.
Don't know how to end this diary entry - except with didn't the world and its wife say 'didn't I tell you so'. Sorry if that's a bit of a sexist phrase.
From experience, I know the anger/pain/loathing/etc etc I feel now will die down tomorrow. Main thing is not to gamble. Duh.
Hi Equinox
Thought it was better to reply to your comment (on my diary) on your diary as you are more likely to see it. Still not sure of the correct etiquete on all this but don't suppose it really matters.
Hope you got home without falling for any temptations. You sound a bit down. Not sure you are going to find any logic in any of what we do when we gamble. It is totally illogical thing to do - I actually checked what the payback odds on the game I used to play were, saw they were rubbish yet carried on playing. I was virtually guaranteed to lose over time.
Keep fighting it.
Muststop123
Equinox
It is time for action. You are repeating the same mistakes that I and many others have done for years.
You said you would have a list of all websites you are registered with on your PayPal account. Get a pen and paper out and write them all down. Once that is done, go to the first one and find out how to self exclude. Forget the cool down option, you know deep down that doesn't work for you. Start self excluding from each one. There is software out there that you can install and it will block gambling websites, I suggest you look into that also.
I'm sorry to come across as quite blunt but sometimes we need to hear the harsh reality of where we are and what we need to do. Self exclusion is a relatively easy step and will definitely help when the urges become too much.
The road in front of you is a d**n difficult one to walk, with many hurdles and temptations... but by being proactive you CAN walk it! Today I make the conscious choice not to gamble and it makes me feel great. You have that inner strength inside you as well, I'm sure of it, you don't leave a good job to go it alone if you don't have drive and determination... you need to channel that into your gambling demons.
I wish you well Equinox and I look forward to reading about your progress. Take care and stay GF.
Thanks Ste_ven and Muststop - I really appreciate input.
Today feels much better - I shouldn't believe this too easily, but yesterday something deep down and internal seem to 'switch off' from gambling - and I genuinley feel like it's a significant shift in how I tackle this.
It's not really a great comparison, but I remember having the same feeling about a pint of cider - I drank much too much of it one night at 18 years old, and never ever went back to it - the very thought of it turns my stomach. My reaction to gambling is beginning to feel similar.
Just over a week ago - I did self-exclude for 5 years from all my registered money-sucking online casinos - I'd clocked up 19 ... but the other day, I shamefully just joined a new one - crazy, mindless and almost unbelievable. Then self-excluded after a loss for 5 years.
But, to be positive, let gambling be my new 'cider' - something that has zero appeal for me.
Another big plus - I gave up my job to return to life as an artist - a risky move, and it's been patchy to generate a good income these last few months - but yesterday I got 2 new commissions, totally out of the blue - and this did seem like a 'sign' - this work will cover my last loss and helps me to realise that I should put all focus back into my art work, rather than try to quick-fix my finances using a doomed and miserable roulette wheel.
Thanks again for the people who contributed. It helps being here and I feel more determined than ever to beat this.
Hi Equinox
Good to see you back and more positive. Good news about the new commisions.
Shame about the cider because I quite like a pint or two occasionally but I understand what you mean about the reaction to gambling. Anything to do with gambling (especially roulette tables/slot machines), even just the names/logos of some of online casinos I used makes me feel sick and I am happy to use this as an additional block. This may sound crazy but just writing that and thinking about it make me feel slightly queasy.
Let's keep this going
Muststop123
Muststop123 wrote:
Hi Equinox
Good to see you back and more positive. Good news about the new commisions.
.. even just the names/logos of some of online casinos I used makes me feel sick and I am happy to use this as an additional block. This may sound crazy but just writing that and thinking about it make me feel slightly queasy.
Let's keep this going
Muststop123
Thanks Muststop - I'm trying to feel that way about the online casinos. I'm only on day 3 of my gf life - but today has been the easiest for me so far.
Part of me thinks this compulsion - or addiction - to gambling is nothing more than a simple choice with me. I hope I can switch it off as easily as I switched it on - admittedly, there's a really good chance that this is just pure denial and wishful thinking on my part. A thought every out of control gambler has had.
I don't know whether to try counselling - but I hope I can knock this on the head on my own. I don't mean that sounds presumptuous and arrogant but I think I should give it a go.
Although 3 days ago I reached a new low with the speed and attitude in which I gambled. After making a fresh deposit to a new casino, I just wanted it over. After my money had been deposited - accompanied by that familiar burst of self-loathing - I knew that there was no way I'd be leaving in profit. If I was lucky enough to win, like clockwork I'd just gamble it all back again. Or maybe I'd kid myself with a temporary withdrawal but reverse it within a couple of hours. Probably at 7am as soon I wake up, I'd turn on my iPhone and log back in. But that night felt like a turning point for me (yeah, here we go again) - but I knew that any money I deposited, would just be lost at some point. Losing was a given. Previous to this, I believed that maybe I'd be able to recoup my loses carefully over time through some lucky and strategic play. I'd even started on Blackjack.
It took maybe 3 minutes to lose hundreds of pounds. The experience was one of the dullest moments of my life - I had zero excitement, I had zero hopes of winning. Logically, I knew that should just withdraw the money - avoid the agony and resentment of a further loss - but genuinely felt I couldn't leave that casino until the money was gone. Or, more accurately, I thought I couldn't leave. I didn't put much effort into trying. I just did a series of big and disastrous bets and then I self-excluded for 5 years to casino number 20 on my list.
If, on that night, I could have stepped out of myself and watch my behaviour - this pointless, wasteful, destructive, comical man tapping away on his computer... tragic ... but the worst part was my son started talking during the gambling session - my computer carefully angled away from his eyeline and sound muted. Almost unforgivable if I think about it. But I'm not going to compound things by giving myself a unnecessarily hard time over it - I did it, and I just don't want to do it again. I simply want to change my actions - no more gambling - and focus on the good things.
True, I've said it before - and it's never worked before - but let this be the game changer moment. Why - because I'm just bored to death of online gambling. It's had enough of me.
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No gambling today.
I did read a few more recovery diaries today just to remind myself that we are all here to bring a permanent stop to our gambling habits.
Today's good:
Today's Bad:
Another day gf.
Not much to say about today - I didn't feel any strong urge to gamble.
Got another commission for work - again, this was totally out of the blue by someone who'd seen my work online - making it 3 jobs in 5 days. This will keep me busy for a while. It feels good to have money coming in that, if I can kick this habit, isn't going to disappear in a few spins of roulette.
Still find myself watching a few YouTube videos of gamblers that regularly upload - I felt sad for them. This is new.
I'm taking it a day at a time - and glad to have clocked in another day on my gf timecard. If I'd have carried on these last 5 days, I'd now be well over £1000 down.
I genuinely feel so much richer just by not losing money day after day - which makes little sense, really.
Still need to feel as if I can treat myself. I really wanted to read Sam Shepard's The One Inside - so ordered it from Amazon about 20 minutes ago, just in time for tomorrow's Sunday delivery. It was £20 - a sum that wouldn't even register on my roulette spending radar - but I ended up cancelling the transaction in a bid to be sensible with my cash. Telling myself I've got a book I still need to finish so this one can wait.
Pity I didn't have this sort of careful spending logic when it came to my gambling antics?
Still gf! But still early days.
When I was walking back from the gym today, I remembered that I often played roulette when I was working out. Or if the internet connection was dodgy, I'd log back on the very minute I'd left the building. It's beginning to sink in just how much I couldn't shake gambling from my head. Even though its presence is still there, the thoughts are nothing like they used to be. All consuming - as good as every minute of every day I was thinking about gambling. During conversations, during tv shows, during work, during journeys, during reading, during a shower. I remember taking a pee and used the opportunity to quickly go for a spin on the roulette wheel.
But walking back from the gym today, I felt so grateful that I've removed that constant dialogue about gambling from my thoughts. There's still much work to be done before I'm a free man - a lifetime of work maybe - but taking one day at a time, this day was a great success.
I did watch another Youtube video from one of the regular gambler/streaming sessions. I don't mean to sound judgemental with this - but it was a 3 hour stream (I dipped into to maybe 10 minutes) - and the poor bloke sounded so bored as he clicked spin after spin after spin after spin. Watching someone else gamble helps me to see it for what it really is - a fool's game and a waste of precious precious time. Fun at the beginning - yes, no doubt about that. But long term? It's just an expensive torture.
Well done, another day mentally and financially better off by not lining the pockets of our "friends" in the gambling industry.
Just interested, the youtube videos you have been watching, are these a good thing or not? Not sure what purpose they serve, for me they would like torture just to watch and make me feel sick. Just worried they are keeping you too close to the idea of gambling?
Muststop
Muststop123 wrote:
Just interested, the youtube videos you have been watching, are these a good thing or not? Not sure what purpose they serve, for me they would like torture just to watch and make me feel sick. Just worried they are keeping you too close to the idea of gambling?
Muststop
Thanks Muststop - and as for me watching of the Youtube videos ... I think it's good for me- because I'm finding them quite deadening and painful to watch - they're like reminders of the the relentless up, down, up, down, up down cycle of betting that I was caught in. It's a way for me to see objectively - in very real terms being an unedited live stream - that gambling ultimately leads nowhere - it just wastes time and money and kills something of the human spirit.
Most of all these videos seem to lack the warmth of genuine 'human' connection. The gambling is all that matters at the expense of everything else. I now find that scary to watch, having been there. Gambling puts you in a cold and unloving place - both to yourself and those around you.
So for the moments when my gambling voice tries to tempt me to take another final bet - watching one of these videos instantly kills that voice dead.
But I'm improvising my way through quitting - not really sure what I'm doing, I'm just convincing myself that it's as easy as making up my mind up not to gamble. I accept and expect that there'll be moments I'll be tempted again - but if I can live with the agitation that this brings - and not blow it up out of proportion as some irresistible force, then I'm assuming it'll work for me. I honestly don't know whether quitting will be easy or hard. I don't know how deep the addiction is embedded in me and I feel very much like a novice when it comes to being sure of my quitting strategies.
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