The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

Hey old timer!
Thanks so much for your message and your good wishes. It really does matter. So glad you are doing well. I think in a perverse way the level of debt actually helps me not to gamble. It is a constant reminder. Anyway here is to a great 2020. One day and all that. Let’s not fall back into bad habits. We know it always ends badly. 
My very best wishes.

Rob

Great to hear from you from Rob!

167th day gamble free and all aspects of life are infinitely better.

Such a shame Gamcare butchered its site. The previous simplistic form was so much more accessible. The new layout is far less of an incentive to post and we seem to have lost a few good friends as a result.

All the best,

Markman

Today marks 300 gamble free days and my longest period of abstinence since I made my first forum post back in 2012.

To say that life has improved for the better is a massive understatement. Every aspect of life is better. The trust of my family and colleagues is all but restored, I am more attentive as a father and husband and whilst I still have a lot of debt to repay, the payments are manageable, our credit rating has improved and we are able to put a bit of money by.

I had a real moment of recognition and pride the other day when I used the phrase "when I used to gamble" to a colleague. The statement never felt so true and natural and filled me with pride.

I will always be ashamed at my dark period as the degenerate gambler, but the pride I take in recovery is far greater and I am never ashamed to admit, nay, declare, to anyone, that I am at last enjoying the rewards that recovery brings. 

There is still a long way forward, but that light at the end of the tunnel grows ever brighter and is most definitely not  a fire.

Markman #300

Markman 

fella I am so pleased that you are reaching new milestones in your ongoing recovery, you have been here a long time and I believe that the continuity is paying dividends to you and yours. Be proud my dear friend.

reward yourself one day at a time 

301 is bigger than 300.

abstain and maintain 

Duncs

I've done it. 

@markman.

Congratulations. Now the real work begins!

Keep going, one day at a time.

Chris.

Dear @markman,

sincere congratulations on your 1 year (365 days!) gamble free! A huge achievement which took a lot of focus and work and dedication.

I am hoping you are rewarded with a life that is making you happy and proud of yourself every day.

Wishing you continued success and all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Hope you’re well pal. Change.

Was doing really well over the past few years, but have recently fallen into old habits and have gambled plenty.

Sometimes think that I am the worst kind of gambler (if there is such a thing). Somehow I always manage to gamble enough to keep myself out of pocket, but just not enough to hit rock bottom and expose myself.

By that I mean I have the resolution to stop short of taking on debt as I have done in the past, although my pockets are generally almost empty.

I have made Mrs Markman aware of the situation. As ever, she understands and her unquestioning devotion is beyond what I deserve. As she receives the bulk of my income for housekeeping (an arrangement that has been in place for some time), for once there is no financial aftermath to worry about and it will be a case of "monitoring the situation."

This is not a cry for help nor is it a new year's resolution. I have not hit rock bottom. That may be the problem. Never having hit rock bottom. Never having had somebody have to talk me down from the ledge. I wonder whether I needed to hit rock bottom or how bad things had to get for me to, perhaps, take things as seriously as I should.

This Forum as been wonderful over the years. The many kind "avatar" I have become acquainted with and whose advice and encouragement has helped me to abstain just enough to preserve my financial position and stealth ready for the next cycle.

I have needed to stop for many years but might actually want to. The thing is that I have gambled compulsively on an off for almost 20 years and am now actually getting bored. Bored of sitting in front of the screen waiting for the scatters to never hit. Bored of racing to the cash point for a top up. Bored of telling the cashier "just one more." Bored of waiting for the bet to settle just so I can give it back. Bored of denying my family...

Markman 

my dear old friend, that’s one of the most profound shares I have read in a while here, brutal and honest and in truth like ripping out a page in the greater part of my adult life.

 I will simply share this, since I was a very young man until my 45th year upon this earth addiction in one form or another kept me alive, it normalised my thinking, it kept me from breaking out and taking my ultimate escape route. I understand that, I understand how I felt worthless, hopeless and inferior at everything I turned my hand to, how I accepted defeat and innermost humiliation and an overwhelming sense of failure in my efforts no matter how hard I tried.

addiction offered equality, addiction didn’t judge, it just took what I had and waited for me to feed it.

today I am learning acceptance, today I understand that I no longer have to punish myself, today I respect the fact that I have learnt to grieve and forgive myself for the things that created those deep rooted inner feelings.

the most dangerous times in my life when actively feeding addiction were the times that I was bored, unstimulated by the actions I made because I would in those times look to feed the desire to feel alive and fed.

 I know you know, I respect the fact that you limit your losses, like me you have an angel by your side.

look after yourself my friend 

I will leave you with this 

the words of a very wise man 

to repeat the same thing over and again and expect the outcome to change is itself the definition of insanity

lastly if Mr Tressell walked amongst us today his words surely wouldn’t have ever rung so true ??

good to hear from you my old friend 

Duncs

I knew this day would come. Now that it has, I feel awful.

As I keep saying, gambling is no good for me and I am much happier without it. And yet, I keep coming back for more, like someone who has as a thing for pain.

I had my last bet yesterday. This morning I popped into my local shop and collected my winnings and negotiated my way to the door without getting sucked in by the machines, standing there like two great flashing pillars on either side of the door.

A small victory for me in a battle of many losses.

I could carry on if I wanted to. I have a bit of cash in the bank and credit cards. However, having done the same song and dance for the best part of two decades, it no longer requires me to lose all my cash to see the signs and to realise that, yet again and again, enough is enough.

When, in your mind, you are hoping that your team fails to chase down 15 runs in the final over so that you lose the bet and do not have  to expend more energy going back to the shop, you know it is all too much.

When you place a bet to win money for which you have no desperate and ultimately do not care whether you win or lose, you know you need to stop. Certainly, the fun stopped long ago.

I am aware of the underlying matters that trigger my addiction, but I have no control over them and only time will resolved them.

In the meantime, I need to try and get through the normal day to day drudgery without my addiction crutch.

I have a family holiday to look forward to at the beginning of August. Something to focus me.

I know the "day after" is always the worst and I know I will be feeling much better in a few days. So I will focus on making today a productive day before think about the next.

I am back having relapsed in triumphant fashion.  A far cry from my year of abstinence. I do not have much energy for anything just right now so no long post. Just need a safe place to regroup  before I venture back out into the real world. I have been here many times before and will take the necessary steps which are known to me. I feel quite indifferent. Just need to not think about the trying months ahead.

Long time no speak, Mr. Diary.

Today marks 100 days of abstinence.

I am pleased to say that I do not even think about gambling right now. The habit is for me not to gamble and this shows a significant change in my mindset.

My financial state is still worrying, but my credit rating is growing and as debts continue to be paid each month, it will not be too long before I am in a better place - just as long as I do not lapse.

Markman

Im in similar situation as you the longest gamble free i have been is over 2 and half years since i started in 2006 i have do 6 month to a year few times and have relapsed however since my last relapse 1 dec 2022 i feel i am in much of a better situation as one of the memberswho been gamble free has said the time needs to be right and u need to understand your triggers which bring you back to gambling i understand this better then i ever did before i understand tempation will always be their whether its 1 year or 10 years down the line i have began to understand myself better and i personal stuff which led me to dark path of distruction i am greatful for game care for making me understand all of this although i have had minor tempations to gambling for my recent relapse i do not intent to gamble i have accepted gambling cannot give me my life back i am not interested in getting my money back nor am i interested in giving my time to this i would rather make my time more useful i have found my purpose in life and its not gambling i wish u all the best in your recovery and if you have your hand on heart and want to quit u need to find your purpose only you can quit putting block and stuff can help but if your not giving it 100 percent gambling will always find a way u have to accept this is life long unlike other addictions you can be cured

Time to revive this thread, I think.

My addiction has been somewhat of a dormant volcano, but has now erupted with great vigor.

After a few years of gambling on and off with elements of control, I am back here with the realisation that control is something that compulsive gamblers do not have. The control will also leave and leave in its wake a trail of destruction.

In this case, the destruction is a mass of credit card debt that I can repay over a year or so, but at a cost to my peace of mind. Anyone who has been in this position knows the pain of the financial burden and the guilt and depriving their family.

This morning, I called the National Self-Exclusion line for a third time and excluded from literally every betting shop within a 10 mile radius which, in London, amounts to hundreds. I need to take recovery seriously. I also want to. I want to go back to the days when gambling was not even a thing. I miss reading an old book such as the one to which the title of my thread refers.

I am now nervous as I need to get through the next two weeks with little cash and need to pay back a friend who lent me a few hundred pounds. He will be paid back, but will have to wait until month end. I will continue to feel nervous until he is paid back and until I have cash in the bank to enable me to function normally once more. I miss that. I also feel nervous as I know that I cannot gamble my way out of my current temporary mire. At least I cannot make things worse.

I will get through this.