The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

Markman

Fella you are quite simply the bookies dream! !!!!

All I will add is it is good you 'burrow' the cash from your daughter, I stole from my own son.

Hope your wife is enjoying life .

Warmest regards to her, welcome back to you, I hope you stick around long enough to see there is another way.

Are you still working the same job? ?

You amongst others enter my thoughts from time to time, a couple of times in recent days, unfortunately co-insiding with the tragic news my city saw two folk throw themselves under a train.

So glad to see you're still with us.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

It is now 2 days since my last bet. I am not proud of this fact. I have abstained for 2 days and on many an occasion, particulary when I had no money, have abstained even longer. "I am in it for the long-haul, baby!" is what I want shout out loud, but arrogance and complacency has cost me dear before. The good thing is my wife has her own money and if I were desperate, I could always transfer a few quid over to my account and pay her back on payday, but this would be no different to gambling on borrowed money. The internal chemical reactions are dying down as is the eagerness to try and win back some money. I do not feel so lost this morning but boy am I bored! I was actually looking forward to settling down for ten minutes and writing this diary!

Yesterday was immediately a much better day. Because I did a reasonable quota of work for once I nipped off half an hour early. I picked up Louis from the Childminder early and took him straight home. He had an a hour's sleep (which meant the 6 year old would be up until midnight) whilst I tidied the bedroom. I then fed him and his sister, washed the dishes and gave him a bath. By 8pm the better half arrived home for work to her tea with all the work done and we had an evening of leisure - a power nap, followed by the first half an hour of American Werewolf in London - I have never seen the whole movie as the first half an hour is so compellingly well made that the rest of the film could not possibly compare and I just lose interest. It was a bit of a horror night as this was followed by two episodes of American Horror Story - Asylum before bed. So, a fulfilling day, and not a single penny spent on anything, and all without a bet.

So, with many an obstacle to ovecome these next few months, I will now get back to work and try not to make things any harder then they need to be in the accustomed way.

Mark

Mark,

Well done on breaking the cycle.

Is the gamblers life really worth it ? spending our hard earned within days of getting it , selling our prize possessions on ebay in desperation and getting a small fraction of what we paid for them , the awkward borrowing from people and the sleepless nights wondering what will happen until the next pay day.

Have you put blocks in place ? if you gamble online self exclude from all the bookies they offer 5 year self exclusion if you gamble on the high street again self exclude make sure there are things in place to aid your recovery.

It is only when you hit your lowest you realise the need to recover and follow a different path.

The honest question you need to ask is "are you ready to quit gambing" or are you abstaining because you have no monet to gamble ?

Many thanks for your kind words, John. I appreciate your advice very much.

I am abstaining at the moment because I want to. If I really wanted to I could log on to my wife's bank account just now and transfer a tonne to my account without leaving her short, lie to my wife about the reason and then pay her back on payday. I do not want to do this. If I were to do this and lose I would probably repeat come the weekend. If I were to do this and win I would only lose the money having wasted the best part of the week building up the winnings only to lose them again after I have cancelled my initial withdrawal.

Am I ready to stop gambling? No way. This is how this addiction affects me personally. It makes me want to gamble and not be able to imaging a clean life without it. Bring it on. I remember on some Sundays thinking to myself "what am I going to do if I do I am unable to place a bet on NFL tonight? How disappointed will I be." I do not want to go on like this. Gambling has also recently become a little boring at times. The buzz of winning is not as satisfying and I think this is the reason I think I can stop now. No grand gestures or promises. I have not gambled for a mere 2 days. There is a big hill yet to climb.

As regards self-exclusion, I haven't bothered. Although I have done, I have never felt compelled to go into bookies and can easily walk past the FOBT zombie shop* . As regards online betting I have not self excluded but have closed my account. If I wanted to I would always find and open up another account elsewhere. At present I don't want.

I am now on lunch break so will proceed to boil up my 20p packet of curry noodles for lunch. I will then go and call up two would be clients and in a quarter of an hour bring in £2,000.00 worth of business - go figure!

Mark

*(no offence intended or judgement being made as I am no different when it comes to sport)

Markman

Fella your thread two years ago enraged me, I thought'who is this man? Why doesn't he take recovery seriously? ' I would have gotten all wound up that you couldn't see what I could.

But I today except fully every journey is different, you have to do what works for you.

Interesting that you wrote on my thread about all the good things that happened in your recent life with the car and bonuses

It got me thinking about how fortunate I am, I still cook for a living, now on less money but twice as happy.

I guess a lemonade lifestyle suit's me instead of the champagne one I chased.

I have served folk two grands worth of truffles in one sitting, caviar at a monkey a tin, but nothing that made me green with envy, in fact I never had a belief in the food I cooked, all style and little substance.

Kind of sums up my gambling life, that sentence.

The reason I write today fella is to say I was mostly horrified by the statement about ' burrowing' money from your Wife.

Made it sound like a bank transaction, or a payday loan, or a mobile contract to me.

Do you have separate accounts, live life like it's a business?

Everything is 'WE'in my house, the good, bad and me the ugly! Lol

Marriage is for my a bond of everything, whether you gamble or not surely you would want the lying to stop?

Recovery gifted me that, also it gifted my wife recovery too.

Hers I value more than my own, it gifts the resolve no end.

I wish you well.

I hope through it you family benefits as they should.

Regards

Duncs.

Stepping forward never back.

I was in your position last year Mark , I wasn't ready to stop gambling , it was only recently when I hit my lowest point I chose to take the road to recovery.

I have won and lost thousands , it wouldn't matter how much I won I would find a way to lose it , win big , lose bigger.

From my own experience which everyone is different until I was prepared to stop all forms of gambling I would always be stuck in the same cycle and finding realistic stories to tell others about why I wasn't able to do things.

You have come to the site so you realise there is a problem there , but for now from what you have said it doesnt sounds like you are ready to stop.

Speak to GamCare and see what they suggest.

Thank you Duncan Mac and John. Your support is truly appreciated.

Duncan, do not be horrified. My wife and I have a very loving relationship and it is not at all business like. We do have seperate accounts but only since I messed up our finances so terribly and the joint bank account had to close. I have access to her account and vice versa. The point is if I were that desperate to gamble I would take money from her account and lie. This never proved an obstacle before. Even if I were to slip now though, I really would not want to stoop that low again.

John, I am not exactly sure what being ready to stop gambling means. I have heard this term used before but makes no sense to me. Is an addict ever ready to stop until something forces him to? I am keen to know what made you say that. I only have a problem with sports betting. Whilst I have used them, the machines do not excite me. The same applies to the lottery which has never interested me. I am not aware of any other forms of gambling (does bus surfing count?) If I can get over my addition to sports betting I will be where I want to be. As it stands I would love to place a large wager right now, but if I do I will be back to day one tomorrow. I have not suffered any recent massive losses which have suddenly made me see the light (again!). Last week I lost £11.00, having at one point built it up to £270.00. It just dawned on me that I had lost another week and even got a little bored and tired off betting at one point. Whilst I was not really any worse of, I could have been so much better and there lies the problem - I could not stop, but now I think I might... who knows?

Hi Markman, are you in any debt over gambling? I maybe think not, a lot of people on here have suffered greatly through what they have done, why you are not asking here for any support ?, most people come on here initially to recieve support because they are deeply troubled. Some stay for the journey and offer great advice. I am someone who has suffered great financial loss like Dunc's, maybe when you are looking at an empty bank account, maxed credit cards and the baliffs are coming, you will see people on here are here because it is a very serious issue. So i would say don't post unless you have some serious point to make and are willing to offer other sufferers some decent advice.

Lost My Life. I am a compassionate and gentle man and as such I am truly sorry that you greatly suffered. However your post is very upsetting and I am very close to flagging it. Who are you to judge me? Who are you to tell me when I should or should not write in my diary? I will give you some advice. Do not make hasty and offensive posts based on false assumptions. Perhaps if you were to read my heartfelt outpourings contained in my threads over the past four years you will see your mistake. I really wonder what comment made you say such thing. I sincerely wish you well in recovery as I do every poor soul on here.

Markman, I am sorry for offending you, maybe i mis-understood your post, I have perused part of you diary and there are tough, heart-renching moments in there, I note you post on NT saying you are in debt, that is very sad. I posted as i did, because your post seemed half-hearted almost like i'm on here i'll post but i don't really care about quitting, when at this time in my need to severe all ties with gambling, I guess i didn't want to see a half-negative approach to quitting, after all if we are on here, we are in trouble and need to be serious about stopping. So i apologise about what I said but ............................................. positivity is what we all need.

Mark,

What im saying is personally you have not hit "rock bottom" it is only when that happens something clicks into place and sometimes it doesnt.

I ploughed ten of thousands of pounds into gambling , lost friends , family , relationships and still I went on and on , it was only at Christmas after a huge gambling spree I broke down and sank to my lowest ever point.

Yes gambling is always with us , a compulsive gambler is stuck with the habbit for life , but each day I or we abstain is a victory from the disease.

For you personally from what I can see and read your gambling is bad but my no means out of control , you like everyone else on here chose to stop gambling and it is now about building the days / weeks / months / years.

Everyone will have a personal preference about the recovery journey they take , mine is to totally abstain , others might cut out the problem areas of gambling.

Remember whatever course you take I wish you all the luck in the world.

Many thanks John. I hit rock bottom a few years ago. My first (of many threads) that first Christmas is very emotive. The trouble is I have previously not learned from my mistakes notwithstanding the amount of help I have had from concerned people close by.

I am in a fortunate position now in that I have had a moment of clarity during a period where my complusion to gamble has eased without my having hit rock bottom. To say my gambling has not been out of contol is wishful thinking. From a control point of view to gamble your last £20.00 for the month is just as bad as gambling half of your life savings. Not in monetary terms but in terms of not being able to resist.

Today is day 3 of total abstinence and today my gambling compulsion is under control. Today I have the time, the means and the opportunity to gamble, but I won't.

Mark

NT I appreciate the value of self-exclusion and have done so on many sites and in shops. I have the opportunity to gamble because there is always another website to subscribe to, always another shop in London to drive to. I must now trust my resolve.

As another busy week draws to a close I look out of the window into a dark, frosty evening. I remember breaking my hand and injuring my back at an icy train station two years ago when I did not have a debit card or a car. At lunch time and after work I would walk the two miles to my preferred site of destruction. How good was the feeling to walk out of the shop, phone in hand watching the sport, delighted as my team or player scored another point and then hoping that they would score one more. When I think back I can also remember the fear at what I was doing. The only pleasure came from relief, which is not really pleasure at all, but rather an intoxicating buzz. How many last ball sixes, last ball wickets, missed penalties, buzzer beaters, missed free-throws and double-faults will it take for me to see how senseless this all is.

I think Houston's NCAA American Football comeback in December (probably the biggest last 6 minute comeback of all time) did me a big favour. I checked my betting account looking forward to seeing the sum of £200.00 only to find that by some miracle the bet had lost. I lost £100.00 on that bet on the back of that incredible loss, but may have won so much more as I can see that I cannot master sport. Just like all other forms of gambling, the house does always win.

So, I now look out of the window into the frostly night, at the car that will drive me home,looking forward to inhaling the refreshing cold air, driving past the place of self-destrution to a warm house, full of hopeful, beaming eyes. No treats tonight though. Not because I gambled away my last few pennies, but because tomorrow is Saturday and there will fun to be had because I will not be glued to the sport.