The Diary of an addict of 25 years

Dear @josephaustin

You are very welcome to the forum and thank you for using this to share your story and progress. 

I'm sure that the posts you read here will be of help to you and that the experiences you share will be equally supportive to those on the road to recovery walking with you.

Please remember that our Advisors are here to offer help and advice 24 hours a day 7 days a week. You can call 0808 8020 133 or use the netline to get in touch.

Best wishes

Jo

Forum Admin

Thanks Jo

Day 1

So after 25 years , I have finally committed to stopping totally. This isnt a case of sour grapes as I have done my dough or anything like its just that I have become so absorbed in gambling and do not get any pleasure from it all anymore.

So my last every gamble was a session of mediocre in play football betting, although over my 25 years of gambling I have journeyed through pretty much every element of gambling , over the past few years In Play football as proved to be the poison from which has fed my habit most suitably.

I just makes me zombiefied, I basically deposit a couple of hundred quid and keep betting in play on goals, corners, match winners, any game, any market and keep going until its all gone.

I never seem fully satisfied until I get that hard luck story like yesterday, I back Aubamyang to sore first he scored 2nd third, I backed arsenal to win and both teams to score and won so lumped it all Juventus who lost. Basically even when I win I have to go on to lose or am not happy. Its just like playing a slot in a way you just keep spinning until its all gone.

Have I ever stopped to think why I do it no, but im determined to get this done this time and make a better life for those who suffer due to my actions.

Day 2

Yesterday was the first day in 25 years where I have been able to afford to gamble but decided not to, sounds like a very small step for someone with such large problem it seems like a big one to me.

Very very hard and thought about nothing but the urge to gamble all day, but spent time trying to take my hard off it.

Im actually feeling quite ill and dont know if its related but Im going to do this I know I can do it.

@josephaustin

What are you doing to help yourself? I ask because if you are just using willpower my experience says that's not enough.

I'm happy to offer advice if you don't have a plan. Any advice is through my own experience.

Chris.

Posted by: Chris.UK

@josephaustin

What are you doing to help yourself? I ask because if you are just using willpower my experience says that's not enough.

I'm happy to offer advice if you don't have a plan. Any advice is through my own experience.

Chris.

Hi Chris,

I have removed myself from as many online gaming companies as possible, however as we all know there always ways around it such as going betting shops and asking friends to put bets on for you.

So yes I am relying a lot on will power which do have a lot of.

For me the biggest difference this time, it isnt down to one big blow or anything like that , its just a gradual decline in feeling from gambling in that , whenever I gamble it makes feel ill like I'm cheating myself somehow.

I think being able to speak out on here about it is one of the best things I've ever done.

Thanks for the honest answer.

Gamstop is a modern day Jewel in the fight against a bet so I'd recommend that. Yes, there's ways around but in theory it gives you time for the urge to die away or for you to call someone before you try and find another site.

Moses is another big help in self excluding from betting shops. 

I would also recommend Gamblers Anonymous as you'll find people who understand and you can meet in person. There's a lot of support in those GA rooms because everyone understands and you can't kid us kidders!

Baring that, give the Gamcare advisers a call, even if it's just to chat, especially when you can feel it on you. They can recommend counselling too. It's not my thing but it does help a lot of people. 

My abstaince is based on regular GA meetings as well as a few blocks in place but there are more for a precaution nowadays. 

Long term you need to look at yourself but for now just try and get a few weeks away from a bet under your belt.

Look forward to reading your progress.

Chris.

Unfortunately for me Gamstop and Gamban arent really an option as I work in the industry and have to use the sites and have test accounts for research ect ect 

I know the obvious question is , well is this the right job for you if you have a problem, my answer to that would be is I have worked in and out of this industry for the past 25 years, and my problem has persisted regardless of what job I do.

In addition to that I love my job and the people around me, the last thing I would need in my life at the moment would be the comfort of a happy job being taking away from.

But yes it does mean 2 of the best aids possible have been taking away from me, however I have self excluded where I can and where I cant I have locked limits in place meaning basically I cant deposit anything. It been very manual and hard work spending around 6 hours closing as many possible avenues as I could.

Day 3

Well yesterday was much better than the previous 2 days and I am starting get the feeling of some real momentum with this. I have had some really sound advice from people on here and in the private chats. I spent a lot of time yesterday devising a road map for this.

As one poster said its impossible if you rely solely on will power. Ive tried to signpost when the most challenging days will be for example big sporting events, pay days, social meetings with friends, long periods of time in the house alone. I've looked at all of these individual potential mine fields and tried to put things in place to nullify these before they happen. 

But I know that getting too far ahead of myself with this will lead to failure. The thing I have most going for me over some unfortunate people is that although sure the money lost is devastating, its not caused me to be in debt or desperate in that way, but its emotional and physical effect its had me and the way its made me in to a more a less zombie.

I know a lot of people who give up gambling , dream of having a bit of extra cash and that but I'm really hoping it can change me a person, because I look in mirror detest what I see.

Whatever gave me the right to be so ignorant and selfish to compromise precious time with my family and choose sit hidden away in the box room watching Foreign 4th division football with a bet on total goals, leing to the people I love every day pathetically hiding my habit so I can desperately and helplessly inject my brain with dopamine hits like a drug addict injecting heroin into his veins.

Hi Joe the thing is you have like myself realised that there are things much more important than the money in stopping gambling. I too did not like what I saw in the mirror and still don't but the picture is more palatable than it used to be. Huge things for me are no secrets,no lies ,no deceit. Living back to my core values I wasn't brought up that way and hurt me to the core that I could behave that way. But you know I know that when you're in that gambling spiral nothing else matters . I'm day 62 gamble free and I gambled daily for at least 2 years so even though I will never take my recovery for granted in starting to feel more confident, I have all the blocks in place and my husband has control of finances and that is how things will be for the foreseeable. I hope that your gamble free days will carry on ticking up and you will start to feel the benefit. Best wishes

Day 4

Still gamble free, had urges all over the place but and it almost feels like a full time job.

I honestly never thought it would be so difficult.

Never relised how gambling was much of drug to me was basically numbing everything , without it I feel lost and unstable, really wasant expecting it to have this effect

Also guys if anyone has any tips on occupying the mind, this weekend will see a huge challenge for me, my first big obstacle. My wife is going away for the weekend, got the whole house to myself not a lot on and plenty time and money on my hands and nothing else really too, its my weekend without the kids either so I can it being a real struggle. 

Outdoors options are the best are u a city dweller or rural ?