I did not understand that the recovery program is about a healing process.
Admitting I was emotionally vulnerable did not mean I was bad evil stupid or just no good or dumb.
In the recovery program I would start to understand my emotional triggers, pains I could not heal, fear I could not face, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, my feelings of loneliness and my feelings of boredom.
How ever much pain or trauma I had suffered in my life in recovery I now understand that I was a survivor.
The addictions and obsessions were a form of escape for me, each time I went back to those addictions I would deny myself healthy interactions with other people.
Why did I fear being honest and accountable, because if my childhood when I was sked to honest I was punished in so many ways?
Why did I fear the opposite s*x, well how ever silly it was when I was younger when I talked to girls they would giggle, I use to think that they were laughing at me, now I understand that they were nervous and scared they were not laughing at me?
I am a nonreligious person and felt threatened by religion being pushed on to me.
Each I went back to gambling indicated an emotional trigger to me and in time as I attended meeting my fears would reduce, and my trust would grow.
I found that using words like good bad right or wrong was not helping in my recovery and could be taken as an unhealthy comment to others.
So now I understand using the wording health or unhealthy made it obvious it was up to me to find healthy safer paths in my life.
Every unhealthy habit I identify I replace it with a healthy habit, a also become more dedicated and motivated in much healthier ways.
When I used the words, I have to, implied tome that I was doing things in an obsessive way or doing things reluctantly or resentfully, both were not healthy.
Being in the recovery program it was important to build up my self esteem confidence in healthy ways.
By just abstaining and sitting on my hands doing nothing was hard time.
Filling my time with useful tasks and getting things done builds pride and confidence in myself and my family.
In the past I use to say I wanted justice, that was not true I was really saying I wanted vengeance, that was not healthy for me.
The simple fact my impatience and intolerance indicated I was being hard on myself and other people that was not healthy.
One time we were away on holiday and on leaving our room a lady was cleaning the rooms, I went up to her and asked if she had cleaned our room.
The instant reaction was shock and fear, in her face I saw myself automatically assuming I had done some thing wrong.
The lady answered yes, she had been cleaning our room, I told her how much I appreciated the good job she was doing and thanked her, the change in her face was instant a wide happy face, and I turned and I walked way.
The question I asked of myself was do I not show appreciation and gratitude more often.
Today I understand that I have a conscience, I understand that my conscience is a healthy thing to have. I understand that my conscience is spiritually based, that when I do unhealthy thing to other people, I hurt myself.
Even after time being clean, I would understand even though my level of fear had reduced from ten out ten some time they were about 4 -7 out of ten.
It seems so strange to reduce those levels of fears, yet I knew I needed to lower those fears even more.
At one meeting in London a person heard my therapy, he come up to me at the end of the meeting and said that by having levels of fear around me I was protecting my hurt inner child, yet sadly by having such high levels of fear around me I was stopping myself from getting out and having intimate relationships.
That really hit home with me and took some seriously thinking on how to reduce those fears.
Some thing helped me understand that only when I could love myself could I love other people.
Intimacy and love were restricted by fears that had been with me large part of my life.
I used to often say that I loved my car, that I loved my Hi Fi, then once I questioned the wording loving relationships, I understood that love was about having healthy intimate relationships with another living thing.
How can I possible have a living relationship with material things or money it was not possible.
I spent a large part of my life being the victim, being dumped on, treated badly emotionally and physically.
Then I questioned at what point in my life did I become the victim, in allowing people to pick on me one way or another.
I did karate for two years and after that period I questions my fears and I found out that even after doing Karate for some I still feared aggression and confrontation.
The I started to understand bullies they are very unhealthy inept inadequate insecure people who try and take advantage of vulnerable people who are not able to speak up them self.
They pick on victims because they see them self as they use to be.
So by writing down my needs and my wants I could focus on those things I need to do for myself, to also learn how to do things for myself, if a person knows how to do a job I can not do ask them to show me how to do it for myself.
To in effect become more and more self sufficient, being self sufficient is not about becoming selfish.
Often in the past I heard the wording that being in my addiction was being selfish, I now understand that I was not being selfish, but I was being self destructive which is not the same thing.
Handing all my finances to another person was hard for me. Yet it was a wise thing to do and very health for me.
I could not respect other people until I learned to respect myself.
I could not love other people until I learned to love myself.
I used to fear computers.
I used to fear rejection and abandonment.
I used to fear failing so I did not even try.
The simple fact was failing myself by not putting and time into the things I knew I could do with effort.
The simple way t understand how recover works is in what you see what mountain climbers do, you learn by people passing healthy safe skills on to us.
Mountain climbers use ropes to be tied to each other for safety and learning, we are tied together with our honesty and our therapies.
It is helpful and healthy to have a healthy sponsor, they will discuss all issues in your life when you are ready for it.
I used to fear doing talks and did one some years ago, in recent years done talks at recovery center, which was very helpful in my recovery, I was fortunate that I was able to interact in healthy ways with people in their recovery.
One thing was very surprising that in recovery I would find out that my emotional and my physical age did not much up.
I understand that due to very painful childhood and trauma I started to live in fear from a very early age.
One of my needs as a child was to be nurtured comforted and loved and protected, sadly a lot of adults in childhood were not able to be healthy towards me.
If the did not love them selves, then they could not love me.
I would say that there were certain adults in the earlier years of my life that now only saved my life but gave me an idea how healthy people interact and live their life with out any fears.
Having given up all faith and hope in myself, not being able to make healthy choices, not being able to write down needs wants or goals, to have a daily schedule where you can get so much done with your life each day.
I know in myself when I have had a well focused day where things get done.
Money only gives you more choices where to go, money was never going to heal my hurt inner child, money was never going to build my confidence and self esteem, money never going to heal the people I had hurt so badly, money was never going to build pride in myself, I know for sure if I had come in to large amounts of money while I was in my addictions would have only speeded up my own self destruction.
There was one session with one of the eleven councillors that had in impact on me, after the session I was in a cloud and slow responsive for over 11 days, then after that a lot of the trauma I was living in just melted and was more alert than any other time in my life.
In the recovery program what I wanted and needed was very healthy therapy meetings with out any fear in me whatsoever, as my pains started to heal, I had more empathy for myself and for other people.
Am I healing my pains today, am I facing my fears today, am I respecting myself more today, am I more focused on people in my life today, do any of my family fear me today, can my family be completely honest with me today?
Do I give of myself unconditionally today?
Love and peace to everyone.
AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK
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