A Sense of Direction

I have 5 jobs again this week. No sign of it ending anytime soon. 

However, I made a choice today to bottom out 4 of them places in my own time. Really give them a top to bottom clean. That way my week will be easier and I will perform better in my day job. See, that's short term pain for long term gain because I will get home earlier every night and be able to rest. 

That's like the complete total opposite of gambling. Short term pleasure for long term pain. 

I am making wise choices. I'm dead happy. 

I am also happy cos I introduced Auntie A to one of my friends and it kinda seems like they might be good pals now. They are both great people so that is a good thing. 

Oh! and I signed up to do that research that's bookmarked on the forum. I like the idea of helping with research that might ultimately change the world we live in. Think about it? If we tell our stories as much as we are comfortable, it might lead to changes in legislation just like what happened with tobacco and stuff. 

I wouldn't wish for my worst enemy to stumble into a gambling addiction without their eyes wide open. Some folks choose pain. Some of us stumble into it cos we didn't know summat was dangerous. 

I reckon the more people know about the dangers, the less likely they would be to end up like me. 

It makes me happy. 

I have my last CBT session this week. Then that's it I guess. I'm all cured and off on my own. 

I'm okay with that. 

Drama x

I hope so much that you have an easier work week sweetheart. As for being off on your own after CBT tomorrow, you can't get rid of me that easily ?.  Keep doing what you are doing, you've got this gorgeous ?

Someone trolled me last night. Called me names cos of gambling. Was majorly triggered. Didn't let them know that. I called them out and shamed them for it. Made them look like a right muppet. 

Then I went on Gamcare Helpline and spoke to a lassie for a spell cos I had the bad attitude that you get when you feel small. That's my CBT homework sorted. Have a thought. Don't act on it. Think of summat different you can do. Then do it! That's cool. I am learning see! 🙂 x

Better than last week. I had a mare last week and fair felt embarrassed having to tell my CBT folks about what a div I am. 

I have worn the same outfit for 3 days. Not cos I am minky. Just cos this jumper and shorts combo is so cute I don't wanna wear ought else. Sometimes I change outfits like 3 times a day so this is summat new and different. I have washed and changed my underclothes. I'm not a complete scruff. 

I get paid on Wednesday and cos of all my work I am gonna be well off. 

I will sort out my 4 remaining bills that I haven't done yet. I have spoken to them about being late and how changing bank accounts during lockdown when call centres and stuff are hard to get through has brought it's own challenges. Like I tried to use automated payment things and ended up doing some payments twice which left me short for others. 

None of them remaining want me to pay twice to make up for missed payments. Just carry on from now. That's nice of them. Sometimes it pays to be honest. I even told one about how I got all my debt from gambling and I wasn't even ashamed at all. I don't see it as summat to be ashamed of anymore. It's just like an expression of my depression. 

I am doing okay. 

D x

Hey Drama

I have just spent the last two hours reading back through your diary because at some point I lost track of where I’d got up to. Haven’t seen you in chat or your diary pop up very often so wanted to check you were still doing okay. You are doing amazing and just wanted to say how proud I am of how far you have come since the early days. 

Even with lockdown and WFH, with your comments about having less to write about, your diary is as engaging as ever and really enjoyed reading back through. You have such a flair for writing and are very talented. ?

Hope you have a good week and remember to be kind to yourself!

Lively

Hey sweetheart,

Just noticed you are 144 days gamble free today! You should look up the significance of the number 144, I think it says so many things about how far you have come ?.

You inspire me every single day with your grit and determination, your huge heart and awesome ideas. 

It is such a privilege to know you and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here for me. You can turn my darkest moments into sunshine. 

That enough soppy for now. I love you ?

Hey Lovely (it's a pet name, I like it) and Murlo. Thanks for the comments. Murlo, you keep cheering me on I'm gonna have to buy you a ra ra skirt and some pom poms! Haha x

Grief. 

When I gave up gambling, I went through significant grief or what I like to call growing pains. I am growing. It's like learning a new way to be and it doesn't just happen overnight. 

When I had to give up seeing Debbie. I say had to cos I'd never of stopped. She was fair lovely and I really got alot out of having someone to talk to once a week. 

I appear to have done a lot of growing up cos I stopped CBT on Tuesday and apart from a wobbly night afterwards, I am mostly back to normal. I rang my Auntie A at stupid o clock in the morning and told her that I was upset about not having someone to vent at once a week so we are gonna have pretend therapy once a week now. Every Tuesday we will video chat or meet when COVID is history and I can vent about my week. So that's cool. I also chatted a guy on the helpline that night. It's better than gambling and being silly and I'm glad I did that cos I'm still well on my way to recovery. 

I did some really great work in my day job today. Detailed technical stuff that led to positive outcomes for a customer. I'm proud of myself. 

I've done my 5 night jobs. It's Friday tommoz so I'm just doing one cleaning job and I'll do the other 4 over the weekend so I can stagger that load. 

Next week should be my last week of 5 night jobs. (Fingers crossed). 

I swear down, I will never moan about having 2 cleaning jobs again. It will feel positively part time compared to what I have been doing. 

I have lot's of dosh. I keep paying bills twice but I have that buffer in place cos of the work I've been doing. 

I'm gonna sort out my last 3 bills tommoz and then that's it. Everything will tick over by Direct Debit and I won't have any faffing about anymore. I will use my Monzo pots to section off bill money and then what's left I will budget control and chip away at my big debts till they are all gone. 

I've got this guys. I really believe that. 

I have bad thoughts but I think about other things to do instead of gambling. I have a crisis plan that includes my Auntie, my friend and Gamcare and I am utilising them as and when I need to but it's far less frequent than it was. 

I am thinking about writing a blog. You guys seem to like my diary and everyone says I have a flair for it but I like the idea of a blog where it's everything and not just recovery focused. We shall see. 

N'nite and Bless as the lovely Boo would say. 

Drama xoxoxoxo

150 days. 

I'm making good choices more and more. I am ticking off my to-do list every day. I don't sweat the small stuff. I am perceptive to what is going on around me. 

I am feeling pretty okay about who I am today and that I am living my own values. 

It's a great feeling! 

Drama

xoxoxox

Hey sweetheart, I missed your 150 day milestone...how did that happen! As much as I remember your 60th day as though it was yesterday, there feels like there is much more than another 90 days recovery that you have been through since then. You can achieve anything that you want and it is lovely to see that you believe that about yourself now. 

BTW, I would NOT look good in a ra ra skirt ?. 

Love you buckets ?

Well done on reaching the 150 day milestone - that’s amazing! Sorry I am a day late. 

You have come so far over the past 151 days and should be so proud which I’m sure you are. It’s fantastic to watch you blossom and become more confident about what you want through good choices and confidence in yourself. I now see a glowing Llama rather than a drama Llama since we first spoke. 

I thought I’d share a quote that I saw. 

‘Remember there are no mistakes, only lessons.

Love yourself, trust your choices and everything is possible.’

Lively x

Congratulations @dramallama! 

150 days! It's great to see you doing so well. You've shown so much determination and growth, so inspirational for anyone to read.

All the best,

Elizabeth
Forum Admin

Congratulations on your excellent progress Drama.

You have shown great courage and determination whilst retaining your composure and wonderful sense of humour.

I have the utmost respect for all you have achieved and greatly admire your integrity, resilience and stamina.

Wishing you every happiness as you continue on your life changing adventure.

Stephen x 

Hi Drama,

Making right choices, reducing the debt & being kind to yourself. It all warms the cockles of my heart & your progress has me buzzing.

Best Wishes

AL

I had my first therapy session with Auntie A today. 

I told her that I missed the idea of talking to someone once a week to just unload everything that is going on in my brain. I had it with Debbie, I loved it. I sort of had it with CBT but it wasn't the same cos there were blokes on the session and I kinda held back on talking about some stuff cos they were there but I could mostly unload. 

Then all of a sudden I have nothing. I'm just back with everything in my head. 

Auntie A was having none of that. She was like we shall talk every week like deliberately for me to just offload, not just being silly like we normally do. I was a little apprehensive but super grateful for the offer. 

Anyways, so I called her at 4pm (yesterday) and we chatted for an hour and she gave me some really good counsel. We're gonna chat on Tuesdays at 4pm for the rest of forever so far as she's concerned just so I never get pent up with my thoughts again. She's fair happy to do it. 

I have a CBT follow up in a couple of weeks. 

Um, what else...?

My cleaning boss does not care about my health or wellbeing at all. He keeps giving me jobs to do that I cannot physically keep up with. I've been docked near on 30 hours for short cleaning a place but it's not fair cos I worked super fast to get it clean. 

I wanna go pretend sick to teach him a lesson but I'm not sure I can afford it. 

I am reminded of when I survived two weeks on £50 when I first joined Gamcare and am trying to steel myself to be frugal again and just do it. 

He won't cope having to cover 5 jobs and it's about time he felt my pain. 

Of course he won't feel my pain cos he doesn't have Rheumatoid Arthritis and suffer crippling pain and swelling in his body with every swipe of the mop but I want him to stop abusing me. 

I really just wanna learn to say no. I really really still struggle with that. Auntie A and Murlo have both told me to do it and give myself the rest. I've had lectures about the damage I am doing to my joints now that I will pay for later. I know. I just dunno what to do for the best. 

There, that's where I am. 

I just got in from work btw. I haven't been up all night drinking. 

Um, also, thanks so much to everyone who was kind enough to say well done on my 150 days. It made me cry but they were happy tears. I've put you all through so many ups and downs and I really appreciate your support. 

Drama x

Just wanted to say I’m proud of how far you have come ,
watching you blossom has been a real privilege. You really are one determined lady with a heart of gold,  ?

Thank-you Vinnie. That's very kind of you to say. xxx

The Plan.

I've booked myself a COVID test for tommoz at 1pm. I've not told my boss yet. However, he will have no alternative but to let me isolate for a week pending the results. It's basically law that you have to self isolate waiting for the results. 

That way I can get rid of all the other jobs he's got me doing and if the results are negative which I suspect they will be. I reckon I've only got a smokers cough. I can say to him, I'll return to work to just do my usual two. 

It's not a horrid plan. 

Gosh I look forward to getting to bed at a decent hour. Honest I do. 

Not looking forward to someone shoving a plastic wand as far up my nose as humanly possible but hey ho! 

Drama x