I quit gambling on 7 October 2020. This isn't the first time I quit, but I'm sure that this is the last.
I'm in so much debt. I've lied and stolen. I've hurt so many people that I care about.
Since quiting, I haven't been tempted to gamble. Not a single urge. But I don't feel any better. I'm overwhelmed by guilt and I just can't shift that feeling. I can handle the feelings of shame and embarrassment, but the guilt is eating away at me.
I hope I can put things right over time. I hope people can forgive me. I hope I never feel this way again.
I'm a gambling addict, but I'm so much more than that. I will beat this. With the love and support of my friends, family and fiancee, I will move forward and be better for it.
Hi , MrLyndhurst
I am sorry you are going through a tough time at the moment, you are not alone . There is plenty of support available to you and you have made a really positive step today by posting today. There's always hope and things can get better each day gamble free.
Please feel free to contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Netline to explore the additional support available to you. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if you would like to talk to one of the GamCare HelpLine advisers.
Could I also give the details for some organisations that can offer some free debt advice.
National Debtline – 0808 808 4000, www.nationaldebtline.org , StepChange – 0800 138 1111, www.stepchange.org
All the best
The last couple of weeks have been so incredibly hard. I have an incredible support network of friends and family, but the toughest person to appease is myself. I've been more open and honest than ever before, but I'm overwhelmed with guilt and pain. My self esteem is at rock bottom and I'm struggling to look forward.
Every time I try to make things better, it seems to cause more problems for other people. I've lost my business as remaining a partner puts the company at risk. This took me a long time to accept and for a while, I refused to accept it. Luckily, at the last minute, I saw sense and realised how selfish how I was being. I've caused so much hurt and need to start thinking about others more than myself.
I am lucky that my business partner wishes for me to remain employed with the business, so I haven't lost everything. Personally, this isn't something I wanted because losing all control and being demoted is going to be emotional turmoil. My partner is one of the people I hurt and she believes it's best for the business if I stay. I've decided to at least try to stay. It will allow me to focus, repay my debts and hopefully mend some bridges. I need to feel like I'm doing something good.
A lot of people disagree with my partners decision and want me to leave the business altogether, which a big part of me wants to do. I want to run and hide. I don't want to face what I've lost and deal with the mess I've created. But this isn't just about me. It's about all of the people that I've deceived and hurt. The backlash that my partner is receiving for her decision is causing me to experience even more guilt. Have I unintentionally forced her into a bad decision or is this really the best thing for the business? I hope it's the latter. I really do. I just want to make amends for everything I've done.
I've found a new love for everyone around me that has shown their support. And I don't hold any anger or resentment to the people that have turned their backs on me. I know it's deserved and they have a right to feel the way that they do. I just hope that one day they will understand how truly sorry I am.
@mrlyndhurst It can be really difficult to do everything at once. Stopping gambling, clearing your head, making amends, carrying around the guilt, moving forward, it sometimes gets too much, but that's because you're not meant to fix your whole lifes problems in one go. It takes time and you need to allow yourself time.
Just start with continuing to be honest and put the gambling down. Give yourself a few weeks to get a clear head away from a bet and then you can start the next stage. People around you will see the difference and you'll feel better within yourself too.
By your name, are you outside of Southampton, because if you are can I also suggest getting to a GA meeting. The one in Southampton is on Wednesday's from 7.00pm to 8.00pm and there is one in Salisbury on Tuesday's, 7.00pm till 8.30pm.
There are also meetings in Bournemouth as well. If you check on the GA website there are also email addresses if you want to contact someone.
Thanks for your kind words and advice. I'm not near Southampton but I know there is support close to me.
Today was supposed to be a better day, and it was, but it was short lived. The atmosphere at work was brighter which lifted my mood. I've been given a second chance at work and I'm scared that I'll let people down. I want to stay and work hard to make amends. But one person keeps suggesting that I'm putting everyone else in the business at risk by staying. Is she right? Am I toxic? I don't know anymore.
I relax for an hour or two and then bam! Stress, stress and more stress. Am I worthy of a second chance? How on Earth will I pay my January tax bill? Is my negativity bringing everyone else down?
It's one step forward and two steps back. I see a glimmer of light but I blink and it's gone. There's nothing but darkness. But as I write this, I look to my left and see that glimmer again. Her. Sound asleep. Exhausted from stress and worry. The person that I know will stand by me through everything. The person that makes me want to fight this. The person that makes me believe that I can get through this.
Today was momentarily better. Let's hope tomorrow is too.
This new lockdown has come at a bad time for me personally. The last thing I need to do is be cooped up at home with my own thoughts. My mental state is vulnerable at best and my worst enemy is me.
One of my biggest worries is my business that I've put in a vulnerable financial position. This additional strain isn't going to help. God forbid anything happens to that business. It'll ruin so many lives and I'll have that on my conscience forever.
Today was better. And I need to remind myself to record the positive moments as well as the bad.
I got some work done today. It gave me purpose and distracted me for a while. Working helps me earn some money to clear my debt too. It feels like I'm doing something good to make a tiny tiny dent in the damage that I caused, but it's a start.
The atmosphere at work was better today and I for a few moments, I genuinely felt like myself again.
Let's hope the positivity continues. One day at a time.
It's been over a month since I last gambled. I don't want to gamble. I don't have the urge to gamble. So there are definitely some positives to take away from my current situation. Most aspects of my life seem to be moving in the right direction, but I'm struggling internally on a daily basis.
Don't get me wrong, I consider myself quite fortunate to still have a job and I don't mean to sound ungrateful. But I was a position of power before gambling ruined my life and within the business, I was took control of most situations. Since I've stepped back from that position, a singular member of staff has started taking advantage of the situation. They seem less motivated, they are working slower, they're constantly on their mobile phone and not even trying to be discreet about it. They are barely doing any work whatsoever. Normally, I wouldn't stand for this and a huge part of me is ready to explode. But I'm biting my tongue. I don't want to create a hostile work environment and I understand that my emotions are running higher than normal. But I've tried to talk to the person in charge and very little was done because they also don't want to create a hostile atmosphere, especially with the stress than my gambling has caused other people recently.
Deep down, I'm annoyed at this person but not angry at them. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry because its my fault that I'm no longer in a position to do something about the situation. I just don't know how to handle it. I spend most of my days frustrated and angry and it's eating away at me.
Haven't posted for a couple of weeks. I've been focused on working hard and getting things sorted out.
Life is definitely a lot better than it was a month ago. But I'm still carrying around a lot of stress. That stress is causing me to grind my teeth in my sleep which is causing toothache. I have an awful fear of the dentist, so the toothache is causing me more unwanted stress. It's just a viscous cycle at the moment.