So far so good

Day 52 - It's been a hard day today. Started late on yesterday feeling angry and upset about things and woke up this morning not much better. 

Decided that I just needed to think about my own well being today rather than worrying about how my wife was coping. I have been trying so hard to make sure she is ok, which she isn't, and think I have neglected just how much this whole thing is affecting me having been riding on the buzz I have been feeling getting to this number of days without wanting to gamble . May sound selfish but had to put myself first to get through the day.

We use the word "normal" as something we want to get back to but how do you quantify what this is now. Normal will never be what it was before so it has to be a new normal with the black shadow of gambling always hovering somewhere in the shadows. We both have to come to terms with what I have done and what the future holds be that together or on our own. 

They say time is a great healer but right now it doesn't seem that any amount of time will heal the damage I have done and I fear that our future together is very much under threat and it's all my fault.  

My resolve to never gamble again has not changed but emotionally I don't want to think of a future for either of us on their own. 

Sorry for the doom and gloom but felt I needed to put my feelings down to help me going forward.

Hi bladesman. Not doom and gloom ! You are being totally honest about how you feel and like me you have been trying to ' make it up to them ' at some stage we have to accept that your wife/ my husband are also responsible for how they go forward. We cannot control their thoughts and feelings and also we cannot control whether they accept what we are saying to be true. I have told my husband that I am very sorry and that I will do everything possible to recover and stay gamble free . I mean it 100 times over !! He says he believes me but we cannot know people's innermost thoughts just like they didn't know the scale of our addiction and the dark thoughts we had whilst gambling. You are doing really good, I'm doing really good. That's all we can do is to live the gamble free life and hope that others come with us, I don't intend to let my guilt derail me. Take care bladesman . Up the blades, up the County !!

Thanks for your support Charlieboy, spot on, It just got to me yesterday.

Like you say all we can do is move forward and hope we bring them with us.

Have a good day

Hey bladesman. We all have ups and downs, for us it's what we do isn't it. Usually an argument with my hubby would lead to a gambling binge....now just a binge hmmm might need to keep an eye on that one !! That would be not good.. Don't smoke,don't drink so develop an eating addiction !! Hope you're doing better I'm sure that you are. Up the blades.... Up the County

So it's half past midnight and day 57 has just ticked over to day 58. No urges to gamble still and Stepchange have set up my debt management plan so going good.

Why am I still awake, well that's because I went out on my bike this morning and came off it. Had to go to Hospital and I  have broken my collar bone which looks like needing an op to repair so probably not much sleep tonight. Thanks to my helmet otherwise I'm ok but my helmet is split so could have been much worse.

For anyone who thinks a cycle helmet is not for them well I'm telling you it is, child or adult. 

Anyway no gambling and no urges, so am going to try and get some sleep now.

Stay strong!

Hi bladesman, that's not good thank God you were wearing a helmet. Bet you're sore today be on your guard with the gamble free , I know with me if I'm feeling upset/ in pain etc I'm vulnerable so watch your back post it you need support. Had a row with my husband earlier that always gives me urges so I've come on here done some posting and I'm feeling stronger again. This forum is so helpful for me and GA meeting Mon so I'm keeping on top of things. Hope you're ok, take care, up the blades,up the County

Hi bladesman how are you doing? I saw your post on raviokis thread . Gambling is so evil it's like a self destruct button when I read makes me so sad but also determined ,I can't ever go back there !! If I have to keep blocks on permanently I will I'm 54 I can't mess up again !! I hope you're ok and life is being kind

Hi Charlieboy, I'm good thanks, collar bone still not good, have to keep in a sling for 6 weeks and hope it heals otherwise may need op to pin it.

I hope I didn't sound too brutal on my post earlier but I think sometimes you need a wake up call to help you realise only you can stop if and when you want. We have both been through a very tough time when our secrets came out but we are still here fighting for our lives with our partners and growing stronger as the days go by.

My injury hasn't caused any urges to relapse through being fed up which is good. If anything it has put these thoughts well on the back burner as I cope with the day to day mundane things using my left hand, being right handed.

I have now set up my debt management plan for my credit card debt which takes some pressure off the finances so hopefully that will help my wife coming to terms with it all. If you have debts like this I would recommend getting in touch with them as they, and the card companies have been amazing.

Saw you post that you are now at 75 days, well done! keep up the good work

All the best

No didn't sound too brutal at all, I know anyone can have a relapse and we should be supportive but you have to advise that person to block any chance of relapsing again he had 6k left which is a decent amount of money now he has 1k after one bet, he'll lose his house next the destruction is sickening. I had that horrible feeling just reading that post it scared me. Glad you're getting finances sorted, we transferred the credit card debt to 24 months interest free so at least we are paying it off not just interest and we worked out the payments to pay off in the 24 months much more affordable than the original card. Still can't believe I did this but guess it's not to good to dwell on it. Onwards and upwards ey. Hope the arm is better without an op. Stay strong

No looking back, only forwards now, we can't change what we have done only try to be better for the future! ?

Hi bladesman ty for your support on my diary,means a lot. I'm feeling much stronger hope you're ok. Some of the things I see written panic me sometimes !!

Thanks Ford 70 days today, we are doing well, long may it continue ?

Not posted for a while. Today is day 84 and still going strong with no urges. Collar bone been in sling 4 weeks now so another 2 to go before I go to Hospital for xray hoping its healing.

Main thing thats happened in last 2 weeks is my wife has started counselling to help her come to terms with what I have done. I'm really pleased about this as she needs to be able to get through for her own wellbeing whether we stay together or not. Hopefully we will get through together and she has been amazing helping me cope with my collar bone on top of everything else. I love my wife and she loves me so hopefully this counselling will guide her through the nightmare she is living about the lost savings. Still no access to money which quite frankly I'm not bothered about anymore as long as we keep moving forward.

Had a counselling session yesterday and my counsellor asked how I feel and thinking about it I feel better than I have for maybe 7 or 8 years as work was really getting me down well before I started gambling 5 years ago.

Anyway stay strong everyone and wake up tomorrow thankful of another day gamble free

Hey bladesman glad things are going well. I also am not at all worried about access to finances I know that I want to live the rest of my life gamble free and it's a small price to pay isn't it. I hope your wife recovers from this you are doing all the right things to recover with her. Guilt weighs heavy, I still obviously feel it but I'm not going to let it hold me back I'm 54 years old now and I don't intend to waste any more time. Take care

Now 112 days gamble free and no urges.

I sometimes wonder if some people go through life with no problems or traumas to deal with as it can feel like I am being tested all the time with what has been happening lately. We have all had to deal with this virus but it can get you down and before my secret came out would have made me turn to gambling for "comfort" but not anymore.

The virus caused my sons wedding to be cancelled after 18 months of planning, then my daughters boyfriends mum collapsed in the shower one morning and sadly died at 64 which brings it home that life is precious, myself being 60. The day she died, 3rd July, would have been my sons wedding day so will be remembered for all the wrong reasons. A few weeks later I came off my pushbike and broke my collar bone which is now 8 weeks ago and is still not healing properly so have to get it checked again at the end of October.

Last week my daughter and her boyfriend went away for a few days to try some normality after his mum dying, but when they got home some s******s had broken into his house. They didn't take anything just made a complete mess as we think they were looking for my daughters car keys which she had fortunately taken with them.

My wife has 2 prolapsed discs in her back which can cause her problems now and again but yesterday her back went completely so she can barely walk at the moment and with me and my collar bone it has been interesting to say the least trying to help her.

Add to this the ongoing health issues of my mum in law as her alzheimers steadily creeps up on her there has been plenty thrown at us over these last few months. Previously all this would have piled up causing me to gamble, but I can proudly say that we are coping and I have not had one thought of trying to get round my defences against this evil addiction.

Sorry for rambling on but just needed to get this out.

Stay strong out there!