Hi
It is very sad that when I walked in to the recovery program I felt so worthless so hopeless and I did not understand that my addictions were a form of self abuse, I did not think that I could help myself in any way.
I could not tell any one why I gambled because I did not even know myself, I gambled to escape my feeling and my emotions, I gambled when I felt emotionally vulnerable, at first I did not understand my emotional triggers, I go to meeting now because I want to be even healthier in my life, I have so much potential in me yet to be found.
In time with each break out Gambling I got to learn from each time going back to self abuse.
The simple fact I could not understand why I did what I did, and said the cruel things I said.
I even thought it was normal to be angry to have rage, that every one was scared of emotional intimacy.
And when people talked about learning to respect myself, learning to love myself, inside I would say to myself you got to be joking or talking the verbal's.
I did not know that I was emotionally vulnerable, I did not know that I was a survivor, I did not know that I was able to become so healthy I would be proud of myself.
I did not know that the recovery would not only me to heal the hurt inner child me but I would be able to come out and play like other healthy people.
The guilt in me wanted me to rush at things like fix them in a day, I wanted to pay back the money some how it would heal the pains I had caused myself and other people.
When people are in recovery you do not beat them up you do not chuck them out till they have healed.
The funny thing that the biggest pains in my life were very much suppressed in my sub conscious mind, being in denial was when a sked how I was to say I am fine or I am ok, that was not true.
Each unhealthy I give up is very healthy for me, yet I needed to replace every unhealthy habit with a healthy habit, it was not healthy to just abstain and stand still doing nothing, that was white knuckling my recovery, it was in effect doing hard time.
Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand, as I face each fear I become freed from my past and live a healthier life today.
I have been in recovery since 1969 and yet only 29 years clean, why did it take me so long to learn what a healthy recovery was all about.
Sadly the percentage of people that giver up unhealthy habits from day one is very low, very often I wanted to give up on myself, there was one time I was gambling free for eleven months and two weeks, and I really did not want to go to my birthday and tell people that I had let myself down. That I still like I was a failure.
The reason I went back was fear based and the fact I did not feel worthy of any kind of compliment, lack of self esteem and lack of confidence.
Thee was also the fear of facing people and doing public talking.
In recent years I did talks at a recovery center for two years and my biggest fear was being asked a question I could not answer.
I asked myself what was the very worst that could happen if I was asked a question I could not answer, the the day came and I was asked a question I could not answer, and all I did was laugh and admitted my ignorance. The room laughed with me.
In time I understood my emotional triggers, I found healthier ways to deal with life people and situations before I would crumble under.
By healing from the past and not burying it the hurt inner child wanted more and more intimacy, he wanted to interact with all people.
The most important things in my life today is my relationship with myself and my family, my levels of fear have dropped to single figures and my family live in far les fear than before, some time my family even believe me.
Since recovery once debts were paid we had holidays many over seas, one I asked my family of all of the holidays which was the best holiday we had, they did not hesitate answering, it was in a tent in Wales in some rain.
Why I asked and I was very surprised it was one of the cheapest holidays, it was because we were all close so together and spent what was quality team as a family.
During that holiday I caused a few moments of friction and even though my family have forgiven me they have not forgiven me about those two moments where I took the verbal's.
During my recovery I found out that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, yet my family have said that if I am not myself they get worried about me.
I questioned if my kind of wit was the pains of my past coming out, then I understood that my sarcasm enabled all to laugh at our selves and not laugh at others people pains.
The clue is you know you are healing when you are able to laugh at the past and more so in you can laugh at myself.
Would text on its own heal me, no not at all, in fact some times text causes more questions than answers.
For me there should be no question no one or any thing made me do any thing I did not want to do, hence taking that in to account every answer should be I, in being accountable and in being in healing mode I need to remove myself from the victim thinking.
Yes I was a victim, yes the pains were unbearable yet now today I am able to heal my pains as they go, when fears come to me face them and deal with right then.
Yes I was hurt badly in so many ways now is the day I let go of every thing and move on with my life.
I was a victim for sure yet I could not or would not speak out for myself, I could not protect my hurt inner child, and that was very sad.
As my intimacy grew first in therapies my intimacy grew with my family, as you let go of the past you see so many possibilities in every day life.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK
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