Please let be the last time

Hi losingcolour92

First of all well done for coming on here and writing some of your thoughts down 🙂 

that is a difficult first step. I didn’t even get that far I wrote it all down and then deleted the post.  Why? because I thought who cares? But truth be told there are countless people reading posts and many who reply with great advice and care. 

The truth is we have all been there, won a decent amount and then left “some in there” to see what we can do and then lost that, reversed the withdrawal and then proceeded to make a deposit from “ our own money” because even though as you say you were what 42k down over a 5 year period based on your bank statements that money we actually get “up” we never feel is ours when we give it back.

I’ve been gambling free for only 50 days today.
I had access to a lot of cash as I was often managing 3 property developments at one time and I was good at my job so I saved money on everything and then bet all that was left over! Stupid. Insanity. and you know what I’ve realized during this short 50 day period? 
only that the the need to gamble means that I would even take on a loosing bet to mean I get back in the game or in other words it’s the rush even the rush of chasing that is more important than the money. In my line of work it’s all about money and saving it and this addiction makes me want to be a f*****g idiot to get a hit. 

one day at a time mate gambling free you will save money and get everything you want ( house, car etc etc.) but only hard work and consistency and gambling is not consistency. It’s lunacy. 

as everyone says on here one day at a time is the only way “ Just today  I will gamble” 

Sorry obv it was a typo " Just today I will NOT gamble" oh what a mistake see that darn addiction again! 

Covid is just hell for addiction. What else to do with your time? I am going to be a bit provocative now but you will see my point in a bit. If I told you to get yourself a horse wip and start whipping your back until you start bleeding would you? Because you are doing it mentally right now. We are programmed to feel guilt, anxiety self-labelling ourselves as idiots etc. Why? Why do we do that? That is your parents teaching ou the rights and wrongs of life as a kid and it comes up every time you overstep the boundaries you know exists. But stress and depression is  ALSO a pre-trigger to a new go at it because. When you get your salary again. Guess what? You have an enhanced urge of getting it all back into the saddle so off you go on the merry go round again. Start by mastering your feelings of loss. Be nicer to yourself. Try self suggestions when looking into a mirror. No money in the world is going to kill me, or I am going to walk away from this stronger than ever before. Do that thirty times a day you will start to reprogram that computer brain of yours to be more lenient on your failures. The idea here is to start to build you some new self-confidence. You can beat gambling but you need to believe in yourself to do it and one of those ways to move on from the feelings you are in is to stop whipping the donkey (metaphor). It will only get up and walk when it really ready and not before.

All the best

C

Hi losing colour 92

Firstly it’s very brave of you to come and be so honest in this forum and also a good sign that you really do want help. You also seem to have put in place a lot of the support measures to enable you to not gamble.

I’m fairly new to this as well and I’m 25 days gamble free now and I’ve been using the counselling service and I’ve spoken to the helpline and I am hoping you will find it supportive as I am.
All I can say in this regard is it’s important to be totally honest no matter how painful or upsetting it is because these guys really do know how to help you and don’t judge. Gambling controls us.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, I like you had a really bad bout and had to get to feeling exactly the way you are before I reached out. I finally confessed all to my husband the debt the lies the secrecy, the secret credit all things I’m totally ashamed of. I too have a family. This addiction is one of the worst but you can get free from it and you will. I’m reading Allen Carr’s the easy way to stop gambling, worth a read to help your understanding of why we have ended up here and how we can set ourselves free. 
You  have come to the right place and are doing the right things, hope you start feeling better about yourself, You are not alone, one day at a time. Take care. 
Jules 

it is difficult to understand the severity of your post as admin has "censored" it 

isolation is a headache for us addicts because we have so much  free time on our hands but you just have to remember being bored is better than being SKINT 

I'm fairly new here but not to compulsive gambling or recovery.

It's a good first step you have made. Try to hold onto that feeling or look back at what you have written should the urge return before you can get other help. Personally I went to Gamblers Anonymous but obviously the meetings are closed at the moment. There is help and literature on their website too that may prove beneficial, as will just picking up the phone and talking about how you feel to an adviser at Gamcare.

As far as censoring your post so the severity of it can't be seen, the fact that you have gotten to a point that you have considered suicide should be severe enough! It might not seem like it now but how much you gamble and won or lost isn't really important long term. It's relative to your story and it's what has brought you here but the money can be sorted. It might take a while but it's more important to register how you felt when you came here and how mucked up your mind must be at the moment.

Try to draw a line in the sand as far as the money is concerned. It's gone. Nothing good ever came from chasing that lost money and it will only end up worse for you and others. Ever hear the adage" a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush". The money you have today is real. The money you dream of and chase is just that for a compulsive gambler, a dream. But a bad dream.

Some people ask me how much I've lost, as if it's a barometer of how bad my gambling was. It's not. One mans £100 is another's £1000 so it doesn't do any good to compare. I now just say I lost everything. That's enough for me. You still have your wife and kids, your job, a roof over your head. You could still lose that, it's only a matter of time unless you take this addiction as seriously as it needs to be, and hopefully in time you can get your mind back. Feel free to ask any questions.

Chris.

Losingcolour92, your post has a lot of pain and I felt every word you said. I do not need the figures to know how much you are suffering right now. First of all, it is very important to remember that you are human and people make mistakes. I often find that those who are struggling with untold amounts of guilt and regret are those who are genuine, decent human beings who struggle with what their actions have done to others, their family and their loved ones. They are also likely to take full responsibility for their mistakes without realising that there was more than likely something else in the mix that made your mistakes more likely to happen. We are all products of our environment and people develop addiction usually because of issues they have not resolved in their life. This could be anxiety, depression, PTSD, or other issues which affect your mental health and make you seek out ways to self medicate. Do not judge yourself for your addiction. Judge yourself for what you do about it. 

here are the positives of my addiction.....(now 2 years without a bet)

I am stronger more galvanised than ever before. I literally can handle whatever life throws at me.

I am not afraid to be vulnerable. I can now say that I need help and know that this makes me strong.

I am mindful and appreciative of every single heartbeat and make every one count. 

Every day, I find new ways to be a better partner, and mother.

I have seen the ugly side of addiction and come out the other end grateful for my experience. 

I live in the present, no longer obsess about things I cannot change and accept my mistakes for what they were. I still feel pain, and I know that I did wrong, but I have the chance to spend the rest of my life making things right and I consider this an honour because I consider myself one of the lucky ones who got out.

I do my best to be the best person that I can be and above all, I will keep my word and remain a non gambler to thank family for their continued support, love and forgiveness.

You hurt now because this is all still so fresh, but in time, you will look back and be proud of how you turned this around. The current virus situation is a breeding ground for addiction and the Industry knows it and have amped up their television advertising to recruit more gamblers. I find this vile, given the shortage of cash around and the mounting depression and mental health problems that people face.

It's up to us to live a life that we will want to remember and that doesn't mean we have to be perfect. But it does mean we have to try.

In case you don't already realise it, you are already stacking up some huge positives yourself....

Here they are:

You have taken a long, difficult look at your gambling

You realise you messed up

You want to change

You are registered with Gamstop

You are receiving telephone support

You have a history of self exclusion and trying to manage your addiction

Relapse can have a huge positive effect. My last relapse 2 years ago made me sign up to Gamstop. You can really learn from your mistakes, your triggers.

If you don't mind me saying so, you mention that you have anxiety issues. Me too. It was a huge factor in my gambling. If you are not already, I would recommend getting some support for your anxiety as gambling was a way that I self medicated. You might think that you have anxiety because of your gambling but you may well be gambling because of your anxiety so it is important to get that looked at when you are able.

The problem with addiction is that when we have abstained for a while, the addiction is very clever at getting you to come back, to trick you into thinking that you have control now and that things will be different. The addiction will delude you and make you think that maybe you deserve a little bet for all the time that you have gone without....all of these things are normal. Do not feel ashamed. The only shame in addiction is on the gambling industry. It is designed to hook you and get you addicted, it tells you that everyone is doing it, that it is fun but when it happens, and you become an addict, you are made to feel like you are dirty, an outsider, that it only happens rarely and it is your fault that this happened to you. 

This makes the addict feel even worse like they are somehow defective, and it is disgusting that the industry does not take responsibility for their actions. 

It is important that you now start to look ahead. You have taken some hugely important steps to resolving your situation and you need to allow yourself to feel good about that. Well done. 🙂

Continuing to punish yourself for what has happened can lead to more gambling. I did this for years because I hated what I had become and I used gambling to self loathe and to prove to myself that I was exactly what I thought I was....a waste of space.

What you can do is appreciate all the good that you do. There are people attached to addiction. We are not just addicts, we are human beings and good ones at that. Look at the love and support on this website. The stigma attached to what an addict should be is wrong. We are not problem people. We are people with problems. You are so much more than just a gambler. Gambling is just one negative aspect in a life that is otherwise beautiful. Look at what you have! You are already incredibly lucky and don't need a random number generator to tell you that. All you need to do now is draw on that love and support and start stacking up those gamble free days.

Forget the money. Gambling is about so much more than losing money. It devastates lives. I still have debt and yes, it bothers me because it affects my family but deep down, all I want back is time. Time spent gambling that should have been spent with the family. Birthday's, Christmas', Easter....I even stole my daughter's university money and now she has had to take out a loan to go to Uni. Believe me, you are not alone. And you are not a bad person or a bad parent. We are misguided but we are not malicious. We are guided by the addiction. It NEVER means we don't love our families. Choosing to believe that will mean more heartache and more gambling. 

You have called time on your gambling. Now keep moving forward and post your thoughts whenever you feel like it. Best wishes to you moving forward. 🙂

The football bets aren't a hobby, they're keeping the addiction fuelled. If you want to stop take the advice on stringent blocks you'll find here, sign up for Gamcare counselling and start attending GA. You need to identify and address whatever it is that's keeping you betting.

Thanks everyone for your comments. Genuinely connected with the messages from everyone and it fills me up to see how long and meaningful some of them are. It just goes to show how thought out and caring people's responses are to try help other people on her. Thanks everyone.

I've had problems in my life with parents breaking up and that being extremely toxic and other family issues but I feel without being a doctor, I feel like the anxiety comes from my gambling  and maybe isn't the fuelling factor behind why i do it.

I think I am and have struggles to love myself or even be nice to myself for so long now because I do constantly look at myself and my house and surroundings and think 'What could have been. I have nice things but i could have 2 houses, no debts, a lovely car etc. That sounds so spoilt and materialistic but it's just a natural though that pops into mind from time to time and that's when i can start to feel anxious.

I think my first port of call in my head has to be to overcome the feeling of hatred towards myself and the losses I've had. You guys are totally right, the losses have happened, the money is gone and never coming back. Even if I had the money, the luck and the desire to win that money back  which I don't,  because I don't want to gamble anymore, I would like I always have pump that money back into the gambling system. So I know I need to accept I can't gamble because I've had the big wins many a time. 

I once won an amount 4 years ago that got me totally debt free and with money in the bank and since then I think it's got worse for me as I've always looked back on that moment as where I 'should be

I've been taking some inspiration from you guys on here and some people online and I have to admit gambling has made me mentally and physically unfit so here goes, I'm off jogging today!!

Thanks everyone and stay safe put there

I hear you. There is that nagging voice inside. It is the voice of discontentment, of remorse and regret. The trouble is, we misinterpret it. It is there to remind us of our mistakes, to encourage us to change, but we ignore it's true meaning and make the same mistakes again. It's what the industry thrives upon. You lose a whole heap of cash and that should make you think, 'oh okay, that didn't go well. I won't do that again'....Instead, what you get is a huge deposit button appear saying that you are out of funds, deposit now. The button appears straight after the loss while you are still in the zone and so you won't think twice about chasing.

The ads feed on discontentment, they are all about cars, houses, yachts, holidays......they are selling a lie. The reality is you end up on here wishing you never placed that first bet.

You only want back what was yours. I get that. You are driven by the fact that you know that had you not gambled again, you would have paid those debts off by now. On the flip side....had you not gambled and won the time before, then you would not have those debts paid off either. The irony is that both your luck and your losses are down to gambling. That's where gambling has you trapped and that's why you have to walk away. That's the lesson we have to learn that gambling feeds on the 'what ifs'. It feeds on uncertainty and discontentment. I was the same for years, and it fuelled some awful losses, always trying to get back what was 'mine'. Of course, all you ever do is lose more. You can't even be happy with a win because you know deep down that it is not really a win because you have still lost thousands, so of course, back it goes.

I mentioned in one of my other posts that my gambling got so bad that I knew I could never win enough to get out, so I tried losing enough to make me quit. I think deep down I wanted that. I wanted it to end and I tried burying myself with it. It was all or nothing, and I got nothing. 

Gambling is a hollow, empty experience and no win is ever enough to make us feel good nor any loss enough to deter us. The happiness doesn't last because it is not genuine emotion. You cannot get emotion from a machine. It can only take emotion and will leave you empty inside.

Instead, we have to look at the benefits of quitting gambling that do not involve money. All the other ways that you can get your time back, your life back, your happiness back. I knew that when I was gambling, winning didn't really make me happy, it just unsettled me, got in my head and it was all I could think about. I was never really present even when I was with my family on a day out. Gambling was always, always on my mind.

When I lost money, in some strange way, I felt better. I would quit for a couple of months and feel strong and hate gambling enough to try really hard to fill my time doing other things.....It was never really the loss of money that made me depressed, it was the way that the loss affected my family. In some way, as stupid as it may sound, I knew that my gambling was for my family, to get them nice things, to feel useful and have purpose. Isn't that ridiculous? I must have been so depressed to think that gambling would give me purpose? I know now that my family only ever wanted me and that was the one thing I have deprived them of these last 20 years.

Yes, you must let go of the regrets because if you don't, it will fuel your discontentment. Gamstop is great because it freed me up to just get on with being me again. I stopped searching out places to bet because I knew it was futile. It stifled those last few embers of my addiction. Sure, I still want to bet sometimes but I don't beat myself up about that because this is what I have trained my brain to want. It may take decades before gambling is a distant memory. 

Know that your family are happy when you are happy. It is you that they need, not nice houses and cars. A desire to have more than you need is not healthy and we can all be guilty of thinking the grass is greener. There will always be someone with more than you, but you can guarantee that there will be millions who have less. 

What good is a nice house if you are alone? Suppose our desire to have nice things drives away those closest to us? All the things we seek mean nothing without someone to share them with. It is experiences that we really need. To make memories, not money. Ask yourself this...when you little one grows up, will she say 'I really remember that great big house we lived in and how fancy it was' or is she more likely to remember the times you spent together, laughing, playing games, piggy back rides, family movie nights.....

I totally relate to the discontentment but you have to put this baggage down. While you chase the past, you lose the present. Learn to love yourself, warts and all. Nobody is perfect. You love your family and your family love you, then by anyone's account, you already have what you need.

Count your blessings, not your losses....and smile...with gambling behind you, great things lie ahead. 🙂

Hey,

You're doing very well! Keep the clear head, peaceful heart and soul intact.We all will get through this difficult time.For now we need to aknowledge every little mercy out there...eg. no gambling incidents...That is really positive.Stay safe, committed and be kind to you

S.......xx