Hello - I'm LP and I'm a compulsive gambler. Hopefully my story and journey can help other people. I will try to post as often as I can to keep my diary up to date. I've been here before but had taken a break after a small relapse. Right now my life feels crazy, but I'll move onto that in a little bit...
I'm going to try and keep this simple because it upsets me to look back on the past, being a gambling addict, but it needs to be done. I'm 22 years old and have been gambling since I was 17 or 18 years old. Ever since then it's been a huge downward spiral. I would get paid, gamble, borrow money and repeat each and every month. If you're reading this I assume you know how it is... I kept taking out loans, ruining my credit score and getting into thousands of pounds worth of debt. I didn't have the financial background to sustain it. Yes I was a young and didn't have much to pay for and so on, but guess what? Now I do, and it's come back to bite me in the ar**.
A few years later I decided it was time to get help. This should of been done earlier, but it was done nevertheless. I was an avid user of this website, but would stop posting after a relapse. I couldn't suffer the embarrassment. At 21 years old I got in contact with a debt management company who were able to put me on an affordable plan. This was a lifeline for me. I kept gambling after this, and squeezed money from payday loans and a credit card, despite already being on a debt management plan. About a year ago today, my debt was at an all time high of roughly 15 thousand pounds. This is at 21 years old, working in a semi decent job, and in part time education.
A year goes by and my debt is slowly going down, but life is throwing all that it can in front of me, to hinder my journey. I have managed to knock about 5 thousand off of my debt, but my credit score is still rock bottom and I'm left with very little after paying my debts every payday. But this is what needs to be done to reach the goal of becoming debt free. I am currently using gamble blocking software on my electronics and have been signed up to gamstop for a few years now. But gamblers will always find a way around these things, which is why I know I cannot get complacent. I just need to keep putting barriers in place to stop me from gambling, and I'm not doing a terrible job at that at the minute. I do relapse, but when I do it would only be small amounts, but that doesn't make it ok. It must stop.
Why does my life feel crazy? I'm trying my best to pay back my debt each month, I'm living with not a lot of money left after this, I have friends and family suspicious of everything I do due to gambling, I'm at risk of redundancy at work due to the pandemic, I don't know if I'll be able to find another job quickly, I'm scared this will affect me paying my debt.
I'm feeling lots of emotion everyday, I'm living on the edge of my seat. I will finish my post with the following so I can look back on it and see how well I am doing. My last gamble was 10/09/2020 and I'm £10,000 in debt. My goal is to rack up the gamble free days whilst lowering the debt. I believe in myself.
Day 1 - With so much going on, and so much that I want to do, I need to just concentrate on not gambling. So that my position won't get worse. I want to reduce my debt, but this takes time. There's no fast way around it. Today I will not gamble.
Day 2 - Footballs back. Will do my best not to check the scores to keep my head away from it.
My heart goes out to you LPO because the life of a compulsive gambler can be a very sad existence.
However, the life of a compulsive gambler in recovery can be a lot of fun so there is always hope for a better tomorrow.
You have a good understanding of what you are up against so no call for me to offer you advice.
Wishing you every success in stopping gambling and rediscovering the productive and contented life that you could be living.
Aum Aum Aum
? ? ?
Day 4 - Was difficult to get out and not watch the football when my life revolves around the sport. But alas, I didn't gamble. Onto the rest of the week,
Day 7 - Almost finished the first week now. It is very hard to avoid football, but something that makes it easier for me is to not look at the fixtures early in the day. This is because it will make me start thinking what I could bet on. Also getting back into the gym. Still going strong.
Day 11 - Still going strong and avoiding falling into bad habits. I've got a busy few weeks coming up and I'm looking forward to it. Hope everyone is also doing okay.
Day 13 - Ridiculously hard to avoid things gambling related when on the internet. I keep blocking YouTube channels because I keep getting recommended to watch certain video's, which can be triggering. Adverts aswell... It's disgusting. They don't want us to succeed.
Reset my days due to a small relapse. Small.. But not the point. I still gambled. I'm going to take a few days away from the internet and come back stronger on the 1st of October. Sober october. I will succeed.
Hi LPO. Dust yourself off and try again. Look at what you are doing and change things. You obviously still have access to gambling try closing avenues make it very hard to gamble give yourself time to think clearer make better choices. Hope you find a way forward
Done some digging into blocking the avenues available to me. Deleting different accounts left right and centre. Ready to start a fresh new month
Day 3 - Fresh month, looking forward to stacking up the gamble free days. I've got a busy few weeks ahead so may not be able to post everyday, but I'll keep posting when I can. So many barriers in place now to stop falling back into the bad habit.
Day 9 - Now one week into the month. Haven't gambled but I definitely had the urge one or two times over the last week. Just need to try and figure out how to stop this happening.
Relapse. I don't know what else to do. Gambling has taken over my life. No matter how many barriers I put in place, I always find a way around it. I've been doing this for years now. I think I'm in too deep. I don't know what else to do.
Hi @LP0,
Sorry to read about your relapse, that's always something hard to go through, but I want to reassure you that it's a normal part of recovery and you can learn from it and let it help you.
I've read through your diary and you don't mention contacting the helpline or having any treatment. This is something new that you could try to support you in your recovery. The treatment is all free, you could have 1-to-1 support, use our online course GameChange, or get support with other people in recovery through our Zoom-based Recovery Groups. If you feel these aren't right for you, there's also help available from the NHS and residential programmes from Gordon Moody. You can discuss all of this and more, or just have a non-judgmental chat, by contacting our advisers on 0808 8020 133 or if you prefer a webchat you can use our Netline.
Please keep reaching out, there's lots of support. I hear that you don't know what else to do, and we're here to help you figure that you.
All the best,
Elizabeth
Forum Admin
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