Woke up on the right side of the bed. Brilliant nights sleep. Got up at 12.30 midday. Bottomed out the kitchen and the front room whilst watching the cricket. They are both sparkling. Went to cleaning job no. 2 and gave it a good do. Smelt lush when I left. Couldn't face checking in on cleaning job. no. 1 cos well, I've done nowt else all day.
Came home had a fish n chip supper and now I'm gonna watch some telly.
I start studying again this Wednesday so I wanted my home to be tidy as it's unpleasant to be sitting in a pig sty. Doesn't really help get me in the right mood to focus.
Tommoz I plan to tidy the spare room as there's just clothes everywhere. I can't find ought.
You have posted nothing which would indicate that you are a weirdo! Quite the opposite in fact.
You do come across as a hard working, helpful, intelligent lady with a good sense of humour but sadly it would appear that you are a compulsive gambler.
Take good care of yourself. Learn from it and move on.
Thank-you Stephen. I'm alright. I've given a lot of thought to what I did last night and I reckon it was just a test to see if I really am a CG. I really am though. If Hubby hadn't come down to get me at 3a.m lord only knows what a mess I would've made.
I shall chalk this one up to experience and move on. With no more gambling hopefully.
Work was good today. Spent the day with my new team on an induction course. Everyone seems really well-engaged with the project and keen to put there input in. It's always nice when you start summat new. I've got a day of calibration with them tommoz where we review stuff and make sure we are following a uniformed approach. It sounds dull but it's a great learning experience.
I have thought about gambling lots today. Doing it, what I've done. Why I do it. I'm trying to just be mindful and bring myself back to the present and stop the stinking thinking cos I think that's what drove me n**s before. Over-thinking is exhausting.
Cleaning Job no. 1 had new windows fitted over the weekend and I went in yesterday and did a couple of hours to clean up all the black lime dust that was EVERYWHERE! It was really well-received and several people thanked me for my efforts so that was nice. I did a good job there tonight aswell.
Then I went to Cleaning Job no. 2 and put in a good effort there. I am tired out.
Me and the dog went to the park but it's raining so that takes the fun out of it. She had a sniff and did her business and we came home.
I'm gonna watch some cop shows and then go to bed.
My day job was good today in that I got to do some real training and work and I feel like I shone in some areas. Cleaning was hard tonight because I am tired.
I have 2 extra hours tommorow and Friday. I accepted them because I need the dosh. We are living in the overdraft again because of over-spending so i wanna get straight. Not really gambling related but it's gotta stop. I earn enough for us to live comfortably if we are sensible. I also need to pay for the Whitby trip in a little over a month. I have some shares money I'm still waiting for that could come in any day and my cleaning boss owes me three weeks holiday pay but he won't pay that till the second week in October. I wonder if this wasn't subconsciously why I went to gambling at the weekend but I don't wanna over-think it cos it only makes me think about actual gambling and that's a bad thing.
I got a message from the casino I used at the weekend about sending them documents to remove deposit limits. Ha! No! I don't think so. Won't be needing none of that. I shall not gamble.
I have been to the park with the dog and she's a happy puppy.
I know most of my posts are boring and repetitive but this is kinda my life right now. I have nowt else to tell you.
What an exceptionally busy day! I know every day is busy lately but today was something else.
I went to work for a couple of hours this morning then drove home for a Doctors appointment at 10:50, then to the chemist for my prescription. Then I went to the sandwich shop and got two bacon and egg butties and went home for a cuppa and breakfast with hubby. Then back to work for calibration two. I got there at 12:45 and had to 13:15 to complete a review so I could join the meeting. Then I left at 14:30 to keep my appointment with Debbie the counsellor. It's an hours drive and I got there for 15:30. Saw her for an hour then picked Hubby up and went to the pub. Left there at 19:30 and then went to do 3 cleaning jobs. I am knackered!
I spoke to the Doctor about drinking and gambling and depression. It wasn't all bad. I told him for the last two months I have mostly been good to very good in terms of mood and managing it. I just had a blip over the last few days. We talked about it and reckon it's cos I'm not taking my pills regularly. With that trip to Bolton I forget a few times last week and we reckon that led to me not coping very well. My mission for the next 8 weeks is to take them regularly. Also, not to drink so much. I agreed, it's a good plan.
I don't really wanna say what I talked about with Debbie cos it's super private. I will say that I think I'm gonna ask someone at Church if I can meet with them for a cuppa and a chat maybe once a week for the next fortnight whilst Debbie is away on Holiday. I need to learn to trust people and I would hope that someone from Church would do that for me. I haven't decided who yet. I have narrowed down the list but I'll think some more about it before Sunday and then just do it. Ask someone I mean.
My Uni starts today but I haven't even looked at it because right now is the first time I've stopped all day.
I'm gonna watch some telly and go sleep.
Oh, important in terms of gambling. I tried to gamble last night but my blocks and measures prevented me doing that so I spose that's good. Didn't feel good last night but it does now.
I had a great day at work. I had no remit for the day but arranged some calibration reviews and booked an online meeting with the people that were in and borrowed a bosses bosses log-in details for it. He was impressed that I wanted to carry on the calibration even though the other people had gone back to their respective site offices (miles away from me) and he was happy to facilitate the discussions.
I was proud of my efforts. The team were scared they wouldn't understand it but the way I shared the information had them like "Oh, that's what that means" and "Gosh that makes so much more sense" and I promised next time they are up I will teach them how to run their own reports but for now I think it's best they take it one thing at a time and not worry about doing it by themselves. I've got 3 years experience on them so I won't have them feeling like idiots cos I know more. Everything is easy if you know how.
I got a good nights sleep last night. Peace of mind is priceless. I have stopped second guessing why I do things. I think I know the root cause which is ironic cos I spend alot of time in the day job analysing the root cause of problems but I can't figure it out in my own life without help.
Home life is awkward. I suspect Hubby wants to talk about my counselling but I don't wanna and it's just weird. Like, I'm not gonna do that so go away but I'm not saying it and he's not saying ought so we're just being awkward around each other. Still better than arguing which I'm pretty sure is what would happen if I tried to talk about stuff.
I am grateful to be thinking logically and not doing ought daft.
I did a rubbish job at cleaning tonight but I don't care. Noone is perfect.
Gonna work from home tommoz and get a lie-in. Hopefully Hubby will chill and just relax around me cos it's like he's on tenterhooks but you can't have free and open discussions when you want them if you react poorly when someone does try to talk to you. There have to be consequences for your actions. It also puts me off opening up when I can see he's already on tenterhooks. It's not a great starting point is it?
I 100% have no gambling urges at all which is a wonderful feeling. I genuinely believe it was a blip and not a full-on relapse. I am still moving forwards.
Went out yesterday afternoon with Hubby. We took the dog for a walk. Did some shopping and then spent best part of the afternoon and early evening in the beer garden in the sunshine with friends. Very messy. We came home and I made some fish and chips and then we went straight to bed. Hence no diary update.
I have 5.5 hours cleaning to do and I should do some studying and I have a report to write for work.
Also, we spent £40-£50 on one afternoon. That's ridiculous. I told Hubby that is the end of messy times, I don't care how much the sun pulls him out (which it does). He agreed. He didn't realise how much it cost till I told him. He was shocked.
Today was a good day. Hubby brought me a cuppa this morning and my medication. I've made it his job to bring it because I keep forgetting. He has less to remember in his day than I do so it's only fair really. So far so good.
Hubby said yesterday that he would help me with work today and he stuck to his word. Thing is, he really didn't cope well with the physical tasks. I got him to do the light work but even climbing the stairs was a chore to him. I saw his face on the 3rd job and I sent him to sit with the dog in the car and just finished by myself. I reckon he has an appreciation of what I do every night. He said he will help me again but I don't reckon I will hold him to that cos I don't wanna kill him off.
I went to the pub after work. We had a couple of drinks with our best friends. Me and my friends traded Pokemon and we chatted about our trip to Whitby next month and what we plan to do.
I am glad I caught up with all my chores. I am off to Football tommoz. I will do some studying after and do a Sunday dinner. Fingers crossed I find time to do my report for work but if not, I'll figure it out during the week.
No gambling urges at all. My mood is good.
Went to Football. We lost. Then went shopping with Hubby. Then we went to the pub. Since then I've had a major fall out with Hubby. He's annoyed because someone in the pub made a joke about him and he feels I didn't back him up enough. I did nothing at all. I did stick up for him but he doesn't see that. He embarrassed me on two occasions in front of two different friends. I did not cow tow to his mood. I left the debit card with Bob and says when he gets back from the bathroom give him that will you. Tell him to settle the tab. I went down town roaring my eyes out. A homeless guy wanted to look after me but I told him I would be alright.
I went home after a couple of hours and was locked out and couldn't get in. I was feeling super low. I went to the vicars house because I felt that I would do summat daft if I didn't talk to someone. The vicar made me a cuppa tea and we talked it out. I felt better when I left. Still couldn't get in the house. Went to the woods. Was looking for somewhere to sleep. Decided to go back to the pub. Found out that Hubby had left 30 mins sooner so that's why I couldn't get in the house. He wasn't there. Two guys in the pub, one of them the Church warden looked out for me for an hour or so and bought me a couple beers then Bob gave me a lift home and I just got in. Hubby demanded to know where I'd been and I told him in no uncertain terms it's none of his business. Then he reiterated that I need to stick up for him when people take the mickey. I said that I did and then told him that if he can't be an adult about situations then I'm not gonna condone his childish behaviour.
He's currently hunting about the house looking for the car keys that he's lost. I was gonna help look for them but I just saw he's set up a camp bed in the loft so I don't feel like helping anymore.
I am going to gamble as soon as he goes to bed. I don't care anymore.
Had a much brighter day today. Mood is normal. Stopped feeling sorry for myself. Worked from home so I got to have a bit extra sleep and I only have two cleaning jobs tonight so I should get out with the dog for a bit. We already went to the park at lunchtime and the fresh air was great.
I am making a meat and tattie pie for tea from scratch. Well, I'm using my pressure cooker to stew the meat cos it's quicker but that still counts.
I have read my first assignment for Uni and it's right up my street. Summat about Charlie and the Chocolate Factory competition and I have to decide who has a valid contract or not. I can figure that out. Not feeling so worried.
When I get back from work I'm going straight to bed. Not gonna boot up my computer at all.
Thank you for posting on my diary DramaLlama.
Great to see you back to your bright and bubbly best. I was a bit concerned a couple of days ago when you seemed upset.
To be honest, I find you quite inspiring and am full of admiration and respect for your energy, drive and enthusiasm.
You have immense potential and are full of love and compassionate which makes it all the more upsetting that a small part of you sometimes goes into self-destruct mode and tells you to gamble.
It is not unusual though. When you look back in time, there has been many instances of great people who have suffered through a negative aspect of their personality.
Take good care of yourself.