My journey..

Well Tizzy I never had you down as a violent person and certainly not punching your Mum - what did she do to deserve that ???? (Don’t worry I know it was an auto correct error but it gave me a laugh ??)

Good that your Mum and Dad can stay in touch while your Dad is in hospital. I saw an old woman in a shop last week using FaceTime to phone someone and show them an item- great that some elderly embrace that sort of thing - my Mother hasn’t at all, only has old fashioned mobile for emergencies!

I’ve started watching Cobra alternate with Showtrial for variance, quite enjoying both. Busy putting my Christmas tree up today ?. Can recall some previous years when I was on a deadline as to how much time I had to do it before an event I had gambled on. Better to do it without that stress.

Havent bothered with chat last week following the couple of dull repetitive experiences the previous week. 

Office Tues to Thurs this week, it is working on a rota basis, with Tues Wed Thurs being most popular but they can’t have everyone in those days.

I can’t get the booster till mid December based on how many days since 2nd jab.

Will get remaining Christmas gifts when I get paid on Tuesday.

I’m not getting down about it but I am going through my latest ‘regret’ phase just now - the amount of money I’ve squandered over the years is quite unbelievable?- I know I can put it down to the illness but really I think back and to say I’ve had a Jekyll and Hyde existence is putting it mildly - in every other way except gambling I am good with money and I’ve never had ambition for extravagant things - even if I had lost half of what I did and had given the other half to charity I’d feel much better.

But I give advice to others to forget past losses and move forward, can’t change the past so I need to take my own advice a bit more.

Although the tree is up I have a rule that no Christmas music is played till 1st Dec but maybe from then we can exchange some favourites ?

It ain’t going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Glad you are enjoying Departure - its a bit different - for me too many dramas centre around murder and whodunnit! 

I get the thing about finding different ways to get money from your OH - I did likewise with relatives in the past, made up all sorts of stories and they trusted me and believed my yarns at the time, feel so ashamed now and as I've said before some relationships broken for good but I did pay back who I needed to with that one 'write off' exception.

This working in the office isnt any better than last week, still stressed, counting the days till the Christmas break and I wasnt like that when I was working at home full-time. The amount of nonsense conversation you have to listen to, forgot how bad that was - I really couldn't care less about what people are buying their kids for Christmas or where they got their takeaway last night. I get that there will be general banter and not just all work related chat but sometimes with some people its like they think they are in the pub or a coffee shop and waffle on and on 🙁

Wont obviously apply to you with your slots but this time of year reminds me of bets placed which then partly didnt take place because of the weather e.g. a football match or a race meeting off - used to find that really frustrating  - a bet on 4 teams became 3, 3 horses became 2 etc and the odds were less and I used to think I need to bet more on the remaining ones because the amount I could get back if I won wasnt enough - as we have said many times its all about the buzz and the buzz of say winning £200 is nothing compared to winning £500 so I needed so see a 'Returns' figure which was high enough to move my adrenaline.

Still no enthusiasm for chat at the moment, no point joining if I'm less likely to be able to help anyone and getting no benefit myself. 

I have so many great Christmas songs, just thinking about which one to play into our chat from tomorrow...:-)

It aint going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

The office rota is permanent unless the Gov issue any instruction about working from home again. They did a survey and it was about 50-50 re people wanting to work from home or in office and management want people back in so the general 3 days middle ground was founded. Probably better I try and think it used to be 5 days pre pandemic ?

Yes the Spurs game being off on Sunday made me think about that, also noticed that a race meeting was cancelled. 

I’m a very tidy person, nothing out of place and have regular clear outs so that I don’t keep stuff I don’t need. After bad gambling losses in the past, one of the things I did to get me motoring again was clearing up, cleaning, tidying, telling myself it was a fresh start. Seemed to work some of the time.

There are so many Christmas songs on my list of favourites so I’ll just quote one that springs to mind on any given day, not in any order. Be interesting to see which ones we both like or if there are any we mention that the other hates ?

A Spaceman came travelling 

It ain’t going away 

Captain 

Morning Tizzy 

Yes it’s always a shock when someone you know dies suddenly ( or even when it’s a well known celebrity ).

Hope your Dad got home yesterday? 

Like many people, I have a long list of Christmas songs but there are only some I can listen to at the beginning of December, many I feel it is too early. But then usually from about a week before Christmas until I go back to work after New Year I’ll listen to all of them continually every day.

Driving Home For Christmas I’ll give 8 out of 10, there is a context to it I feel, it means more to people who are actually doing it. I always think of students at Uni away from home who haven’t seen parents/ family / local friends for a few months.

Today I’ll go with the classic I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday . In the context of gambling, before online years ago, bookies were closed on Sundays but the 3 other days they were closed were Good Friday, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so it was a relief that on those days you couldn’t lose money. But then couldn’t wait for them to re-open again on Boxing Day ?

So it used to be ‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday, when the bookies are shut so I cannot lose my pay’ ?

It ain’t going away 

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

The Johnny Mathis one is definitely a 9 out of 10, one of the best ever. Yes I sing along but you wouldn’t want to hear my singing it is so bad ?

You got your bands mixed up - it was the Wizzard hit I quoted not Slade, maybe it’s an age thing ?

Well that’s all my presents tied up and cards written today ( with exception of one still to come in the post). Good to be organised early.

Its a bit of a shame that you love Christmas but feel it’s over after Christmas Day. As I’ve said I enjoy the feel good factor from 1st Dec through to about 5th Jan. I can recall when I was involved in events/parties etc, none of that now and but although things have changed and the magic of being a kid at Christmas can’t be replaced, aside from a couple of bad years due to gambling, the festive period sparkle has remained. 

Today I’ll go with Little Drummer Boy

ps I still find myself stopping typing stuff given this is a gambling recovery site and I’m conscious that anyone can read. 

It ain’t going away. 

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Hope today is a better day for you. You have said you have a good relationship with OH but in any relationship there are always bad days ?

Well it was inevitable our choice of songs wouldn’t always appeal - I hate that Fairytale song, absolutely detest it, have walked out of shops when it has come on, so that one is 0 out of 10 for me !!!

Agree that it would be good to send Christmas cards but here’s the best I can do:

?????????????

?.                                                              ?

?.                 Merry                                  ?

?.                 Christmas                           ?

?.                  Tizzy                                   ?

?.                                                               ?

?.                 Love                                     ?

?.                        Captain                         ?

?.                                  xxxxxxx              ?

?????????????

Today’s song from me: Christmas (Baby please come home) 

??They’re singing deck the halls but it ain’t like Christmas at all??

Are you singing along?

It may be Christmas time but I’m a compulsive gambler and it ain’t going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Hope you got a good sleep and are feeling refreshed today.

I am still rating my mode daily and most days have been a 6 or 7 recently but there is always one day a week which I’m only 2 or 3 due to thinking a lot about all the money I’ve wasted, it really is getting to me more and more. It’s fine to advise youngsters who have been gambling a couple of years to forget what they have lost but for someone like me it’s a horrendous figure over 30 years. Sometimes hard to believe that a life of losing all my money just became normal, fresh starts and resolve to get better were  normal but with ultimate same end result. 

Anyway just back from bank which was embarrassing and relative to above - they can see my income level and I should have been comfortably retired by now and lying on a sun bed all day in a home in Spain should I so choose - instead I’m pleading with the bank to keep me solvent. 

They have agreed a 2 year loan to consolidate my non-mortgage debt, best I could hope for. So, lot of IFs here but if I continue to live same way, save the extra I’ll have and then save the amount I’ll be paying when the loan finishes in 2023, for the 2.5 years to summer 2026 and assuming normal maintenance with some appliances maybe stopping working and needing replaced, I’ll end up around £40k short on the mortgage. Need to think it through a bit more but that’s the headlines.

Rockin around I’ll say is ‘ok’ and give it 6 out of 10 ?

We have been naming ‘pop’ songs so far so I’ll go in a different direction today - Go Light Your World’ - not that well known you may have to look it up...

It ain’t going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Yes the bank scenario could have been much worse, have to just accept where my life’s at at the moment. Try not to think about how I make up the deficit in 4.5 years time or what other options I will have then.

Certainly happy to help other CGs, try and prevent them following my path. Think only options though are on here / other similar Forums / GA. I definitely wouldn’t join GA, tried it and it was too much of a cult and pyramid structure for me, but as I always say, each individual should use whichever tools work for them.

I know I add value on chat and many resonate with my experiences. However both on chat and reading some other diaries in recent months, appears most youngsters are getting more benefit from peer support of those at a similar age, similar position than they would from an old geezer like me, which is fine. Got to remember that most of my gambling was pre online so before tools like Gamban etc to totally block phone and computer access. 

Plus as you know I’ve a controversial past on diaries so wary of that. But if there are other opportunities beyond the above I’m happy to help.

Hadnt heard of your song before, think Kelly Clarkson is a bit modern for me?, listened to it, found it average so will abstain from scoring ?

Today I’ll go with Stop The Cavalry

It ain’t going away 

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

I do think they are going overboard with the latest restrictions but having gone into the office today we were then advised we could go home so that’s a good thing for me?

Most I’ve ever had on Christmas Day is 5, average 3 and now it’s just me and my Mother. As a kid, New Years Eve was busier with family friends coming round and gatherings of maybe about 16.

Other than the tree and decs going up by 1st December, only other regular traditions now are 2 church services, one of which is a Carol service about 10 days before Christmas and then an evening service on Christmas Eve (not the midnight one ). Of course neither were on last year, just an online service. No sign of the Carol service this year but the Christmas Eve one is still on at the moment at least.

Marys Boy Child is another average one for me, can only score 5 sorry ?. With mentioning the Church service, I’ll divert to a hymn today  - See Amid the Winters snow 

ps - you may have noticed a newcomer had been reading my diary and asked for my advice which I provided and he seems very appreciative ?. Also joined chat last night and it was a decent session. 

It ain’t going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Feel obliged to ask how the gambling is going, you haven't mentioned for a while, staying in control?

re Christmas cooking, my Mother does most of it with some help from me. The work Christmas lunch isn't mandatory given restrictions and some people feeling anxious so easy for me to decline 🙂

Bad couple of days for me, we have acknowledged there will always be some. Went out for newspaper this morning and my head told me to get back to the house as quickly as possible, no way I could face venturing out anywhere else today.

Recent drama has been Departure like yourself and also Close to Me and COBRA, all better than average without being outstanding.

Whats the latest on your Dad?

Have to try and come up with other Christmas songs which I think are top bracket. Blue Christmas is another average one for me but I'll link in with another which has a similar theme/lyrics today Lonely This Christmas

It aint going away

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Last couple of days have been a bit better you will be pleased to hear 🙂

I get that you cannot expand on your shopping trips. As I've said before I do sometimes want to type stuff on here and have to stop myself, it is limited.

Your Dad is going through the mill, what a shame, no wonder he is fed up 🙁

How good is 'Walk The Line' ???? I knew I had really missed X Factor so happy that there is something like this back on, even if only for a week. Maya Jama is wooden as a presenter and Dawn French shouldn't be on, she know nothing about music, she is just on to tick the LGBT box, but other than that I think its a great format with some fantastic acts so far.

Have to give 'A Winters Tale' 9/10 as it has meaning for me, the lyrics reflect a short winter relationship I had many years ago. Today I'll chip in with the Mariah classic 'All I Want For Christmas Is You'.

It aint going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Thats the most sad and sentimental post you have sent me - send you big hugs (((((Tizzy)))))

Appreciate that Christmas won’t be the same now but you just have to do your best and make it the best you can for the sake of others. The idea of having a 2nd Christmas when your Dad gets home sounds a good one. 

Whatever your mindset just now, don’t be increasing time and money shopping, it’s not the answer.

I have an event in the local park tomorrow night with music, stalls and Santa, been ok previous years so it will take me out of the house for a change.

I’ll score I’ll be home for Christmas a 7 and row in with the Wham classic Last Christmas today. 

Take care, I’m with you.

It ain’t going away 

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Well the event at my local park got cancelled due to the increased restrictions - think its a bit OTT myself given that most of it was based outdoors and people can take responsibility for being socially distanced.

The church services are still on at the moment on Sunday night and Christmas Eve but you have to book online so I've done that.

Still loving Walk The Line. The part at the end where the singer can choose to take the money or 'Walk The Line' reminds me of the Cash out facility when gambling - it offered great opportunities to make a profit on your bet but I rarely did it, I would hold off in the hope that all of my selections won - why did I do that - well 2 reasons - firstly before online gambling came along there was no 'Cash Out' concept  - you simply put the bet on and it won or lost, so not something I was used to. But also the buzz of your final selection winning with a last minute goal or final putt was the biggest buzz ever.

I'll score Stay Another Day at 7/10 and my choice today is 'I Believe in Father Christmas'. There's a lyric in it-  'the Christmas you get you deserve', which has rung true for me in a number of years - if my behaviour, gambling and otherwise has been reasonable, the Christmas period was better, if I had a bad year financially and also a negative effect on others, my Christmas wasnt great, I didnt deserve it to be.

It aint going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

What a carry on with your Dad - no wonder your confidence in the medics has gone downhill - lets hope you get some clarity tomorrow. 

I agree that gambling dictates our moods, I was a much better person before my bad life decisions and my downhill path into addiction. And when going through winning spells I could achieve more both for myself and others, when losing heavily I'd just want to shut myself away and no-one would really want my company when I was like that anyway. Its the urges that were (and remain) hellish. Think its worth listing them, may not apply to you but others may read and acknowledge; for me its all about the little beast inside me who needed feeding. For standard advance bets on subjects I knew about, that was Captain being his real self, but the little beast wanted fed for the following reasons:

Bored - You are bored so gamble to receive boredom, it will be fun

Unlucky - you were unlucky with that football bet - have a bet and get your money back

Escape - life is so monotonous, everybody needs an outlet, have a bet, it will make you feel better

Celebrate - had a good day at work, got some good news, lets gamble to celebrate

Low Self-Confidence - this is a complex one which has happened for many reasons but the beast says - you are an idiot, you are nothing, you are worthless, nobody likes you, the world won't miss you when you go, what's the point in having money sitting there, gamble it, all of it, lose it all, get back to Zero and start again its what you deserve you useless piece of s**t

And of course some of the above happen together, not all individually and none of them ever end up with anything but negative effects, financial and otherwise.

I'll score White Christmas 7 out of 10 and my choice today is Mistletoe and Wine

It aint going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Awake during the night and read your post so thought I’d reply (nothing to worry about, I usually wake up during the night a couple of times a week ?) 

I think we have established differences in our approach to the festive period as you very much focus on ‘the big day’ whereas I have a general outlook over the period 1st Dec to about 5th Jan.

For me, although I put tree up on or before 1st Dec, have my shopping done and wrapped as early as possible and start listening to Christmas music, it doesn’t really kick in until I go to church. So I’m much more festive after going on Sunday. I see houses and gardens decorated on the way to church but they mean much more when I see them again on the way back, I am on a high and don’t want the night to end. Spent Sunday night playing carols when I got home, same last night and I will have Christmas music playing more every day now till 5th Jan. My main highlights of the season these days are my 2 church visits, missed them last year. 

I go to my Mothers on Christmas Day, don’t bring her to mine, her preference. Spend a lot of time and miles driving on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day delivering presents. Don’t have many people to give to but they don’t stay that nearby. Working till Thursday then off for almost a fortnight. 

How often do I think about gambling - really all the time I’m not engrossed in work or a TV programme or a book or newspaper so a hell of a lot, can’t see that  changing it’s been such a big part of my life. Often find it difficult to relax, can be exhausting with a life where I feel I have to be occupied with something all the time. 

Oh Tizzy I don’t like your song choice so have to only score 2/10 sorry ?. Following my Carol service, I’ll go with Hark The Herald Angels Sing today. 

Hope you do get good news on your Dad today. 

It ain’t going away.

Captain