My Diary of Shame

ODAAT thank you for your recent words on my diary, first of all!

Hope that the sense of possibilities and new hope in a brand new year helps us all to stay positive in fighting the good fight! Strength in numbers!

Happy New Year and thank you for the advice, I've invested in some Solomon gortex lined walking boots, cost just over 100 pounds but should last longer and feel much better then the last pair I bought at 45.00 pounds. I shall leave the Spanx off the day I walk up Snowdon lol. Did some more walking today as I was off work being as I covered the xmas period. I've been doing loads of puzzles again which keep me busy and I'm almost at my next gf goal of 100 days. On reflection it feels like it has gone quick and I've learnt so much about myself. I'm sorry to learn your having problems sleeping, what's that about? My dog seems to have calmed down abit the last couple of weeks, no pink poo etc., how's yours? I've made a few New Years resolutions the main one being to remain gf, loose a stone in weight, walk up snowdon, more family time, pass the couple of exams I have to do the first part of the year, make more time for friends whom I've neglected the past few years through gambling. I'd like to eat more healthy but at the moment have so much cake and chocolates left from xmas to get through. New year, new me and new hope for the future and we do,have one whilst we remain gf. Best wishes to you, remain strong and positive x

" i really didn't want to stop, it was my favourite thing in the whole wide world, better than eating (& if you've followed any of my ramblings, you will see food figures very highly in my life) & the thought of never being able to do it again terrified me."....you posted this on another thread ODAAT, been asking myself today why I haven't self excluded from casinos, this is the answer I came up with, but too much of a coward to voice it, then I found you had done it for me x

Morning Mrs D, I'm still up 🙁 I promised the NM I wouldn't be late but the tax man needed stuff from me & the computer won't send an email & by the time I'd copied it all out it was 2ish & then by the time I'd tried to figure out how much I owed it was 3ish, then NCIS was on, 4ish & then I decided to 'do my finances' like the bad old days & before I'd given that up as a bad job it was 5ish & then I spent the last 20 mins writing an email to the NM about what a mess our house is & apologising for seemingly not being able to drag my sorry behind up to bed! This time last week-ish I did exactly the same thing, popping out 1st thing when the shops opened & he sent me back to bed with a hot water bottle @ 11ish...This week, I know he's looking forward to spending time with me but I'm worried sick that I'm going to be tired :-0 Well, dur, it's 0528 & I'm still up for no apparent reason, of course I'm going to be tired! I've turned the telly off, I know what I need to do!

Funny (not ha ha), everytime I think about changing the title of my diary something happens to remind me what a fool I am! It came up in a meeting not too long ago & yesterday again in chat...My longest & strongest relationships have been with machines! Silently whispering sweet nothings, begging it to be kind, gently caressing the buttons in the hope that my magic touch would help me win, stroking the screen to show it how nice I was! I have a real life human, upstairs in my bed snoring gently, who will roll over when I get in & rub my back, for nothing in return (my choice, not his) & instead I'm sitting here with a snoring dog & GamCare for company! Don't have to look too hard to see that some days I haven't progressed @ all! But, as the tears sneak out of my eyes & roll gently down my face, I know what I need to do & being here has once again given me the strength to do it! Goodnight Mrs D, goodnight friends!

Hello Sesuo,

I haven't got much to advise, esp when i struggled with insomnia spells myself also. Expecting them to come back when I'm back to work and thinking now if the routine (as different hours you do) messes the body clock (proven fact). So only wanted to say be kind to you, don't beat yourself up!

Maybe few calming techniques you did (or keep doing) - colouring book, salt lamp, deep breaths ....maybe these can help you a little.

Most importantly don't think you didn't make any progress in your recovery. You did & continuing in doing so!

Look after yourself more - happy ODAAT - happy household, remember ☺

Keep choosing life!

Not exactly the support post but just wanted you to know that i hear you!

Morning...hope you have managed a few hours sleep, had a lovely back rub, and have the energy to be sociable. Longest and strongest relationship with a machine? ........the machine doesn't demand anything of us, our brains and emotions become dead...they energise us...give an adrenalin rush...they are a safe haven. But they rob us blind and cut us off from human beings, they take away our self esteem. I am also sitting here with a snoring dog and gamcare, a pile of ironing awaits in the kitchen...it is not such a bad place to be x

Honestly? I think it's time to go frog kissing again. I know you don't (didn't) think you need it, but I'm sensing a change in you now and maybe you're more ready. A good psychodynamic therapist who can help look at your childhood. Mandy Saligari has an office in London, or I'm sure Dan can recommend someone. I know they'll be eye rolling coz all I seem to do is bang on about therapy but I just think it's so hard to do it on your own. And I know you don't (didn't) think your childhood has anything to do with any of this, but I just find it really hard to believe that such difficult and fractured early days (even if you don't see them that way) can not have an affect. And it doesn't mean you have to change, or that you're not ok as you are (we both know you're absolutely fabulous) but it'll help you recognise your patterns (such as choosing machines over people to name just one) and it'll help you decide whether you want to change that. I know you'll baulk at the idea of spending the money (and Dan might say you can get it free at a 12 steps meeting) but it could be the best money you've ever spent. Way better than a new shed 🙂

Hope you've managed to get a decent few hours sleep today, I'm also a bad sleeper and it's when I find myself overthinking everything, it was also when I did most of my gambling, I like the night, the darkness and peace but it can also be harmful...

Try to be kinder to yourself, you help so many others on here...That in itself is a massive achievement 🙂

M x

Thanks for all the lovely posts people & the off-site support/nudges!

I got up before I would on a normal day off & did the 3 things on my to do list (tick). I'm tucked up in bed now so no repeat performance tonight 🙂

I think I may have joined some dots last night in as much as the NM was tiddly & is much braver/stupider with Dutch courage inside him...We had what seemed to be a perfectly healthy s*x life before we moved in together, now not so much for some reason?

It was only a matter of time before the psychodynamic counselling was re-suggested & now seems as good a time as any. You nailed my feelings on the childhood subject there LB & I bow to yours & Dan's experience here but I'm not ready yet. I'm going to attend my 1st Steps meeting this week & have another GA location identified for when I can't make my usual one so I'm not sitting idle.

It's taken a long time but there's something other than my illustrious gambling career wrong with my wiring & I'd probably be better 'getting a man in' straightaway but everyone loves a bit of DIY especially when you can save a fortune doing it yourself 🙂 See you in a few months when I'm back to eat those words 😉 Abstinence I can do my way, recovery/discovery it seems not so much!

-

Hi, I'm sending you a big cyber hug, If I had a magic wand I would use it on you to make you feel better, I feel you are hurting and need closure on parts of your past so that you can move forward, as previous post states you give good advice and encouragement to so many on here, you are a nice person, you deserve to be happy, Wishing you all the best x

Hi ODAAT,

I hope you are feeling ok. Have been in a state of limbo these past few months, have given into my addiction and have totally neglected my diary.

I just found a "how are you" post from you from a few months ago on an old thread. Just wanted to thank you and say sorry that I did not respond. Back on the wagon at last with renewed vigour.

Rooting for you as ever and will try and give back some of the support you have given me.

Mark x

Thanks oddat
I'm a bit of a Blondie...well actually highlighted over grey lady. .....
What's 3% lol

Evening Mrs D, needed to drop by as it has just been bought to my attention that I have negated to update you on the change of date for my last gamble...I handed my last unchecked lottery ticket in the day I went to my 1st GA meeting & so it's only been a handful of days since my last bet on 21/12/2016.

I'm not ready for therapy (yet) & have decided to commit to GA where there will be many hurdles I struggle to negotiate, no point falling down @ the easy ones. It may not be for everyone but I've seen serenity & despite the fact it scares me, I can't live my life like the Tazmanian devil anymore. It may sound a little bit crazy but on Thursday morning I got up early (0350) instead of pushing for every last second in bed (0500) & had a little me time. I then got the early train, to avoid stalker & once off the train, I hoiked up my skirt for optimum walking performance & set off on the 3 miles to work. After about 20 minutes of continually looking round to see who was chasing me because I was breathing so hard I realised I was going to be 3/4 of an hour early & despite my pressing desire to move everywhere @ warp factor 9, it just wasn't necessary. I took in the beautiful sights along the Thames & still arrived over half an hour early without the need for a defib (ta dahhh) & then slept like a baby that night. In fact, even my mum's latest hairbrained scheme did not rage me up until this morning when she blatantly lied to me saying she doesn't even think of gambling anymore. Admittedly though, that wasn't exactly helped by an old man opppsite me leaning so far over the table I thought he was after my sandwich & another with an annoying voice not stopping for breath for most of my train journey then having to run the gauntlet of smokers huddled in the doorway of Waterloo, blocking my exit so I couldn't just hold my breath & wade through the fog like usual. I had to ironically ask them to 'excuse me' (angry face)! I couldn't calm myself down on the short walk from the tube but once in work I was fine, a far cry from the other place & for that I am truly grateful. I'm almost home & not @ work until nights tomorrow, my favourite rotation. Tomorrow, I will do my steps, go to swimming club & take a packed lunch into work...The New Years resolutions are going well 🙂

Morning Kelly,

So pleased you have chosen to comit to GA I'm sure you will thrive in the unity you get through the GA rooms, yes it's not for everyone but for those who commit to it life certainly becomes clearer and definitely more manageable. You go there in a better position than most, a few in here might question you changing your last bet date but I get that, any bet is a bet, I would have been easy to walk through them doors and say you had been gamble free for 2 years plus but you'd only be kidding yourself, I admire your honesty.

It reminds me of a guy from GA and he won't mind me saying he did 4 years gamble free and then he bought a lottery ticket, just one, one pond ticket. He came back declared and handed in his pins, last year he got his 4 year pin back on the same day I got my 1 year. He regrets the bet but not the honesty in declaring it.

You will get so much from it as I'm sure you are already seeing and you will be a great addition to any room you attend.

JFT KTF