My diary, my new life, my fightback

Sorry, I need to expand on this.

right now I feel devastated, this impending bill has got me all over the place, I had an old me session today, lost control and gambled like an idiot, a maniac for 3 hours on horses and dogs.

after everything I said, advised, knew, I blew it, I feel like such a failure, I feel like this is the end of me.

i want to make this the end at times, I don’t know how to come back from this.

Gutted, leaving here to reflect and wonder if life can go on, I’m at an all time low tonight, I was conscious of what I was doing to myself, greed took over me.

i had access to money, it’s like we can never be trusted with cash again.

god, why 

Really sorry to read that you had gambled Holycrosser and hope you are ok.

I don't want to state the obvious but all you can do is learn from it and try again.

Look for the positives and don't be too hard on yourself.

Stephen 

Holycrosser, we are all here for you. Don't apply any pressure on yourself. Forget the counting thing just take it one day at a time. Some days are harder than others but just put one foot in front of the other and you will make it through this. 

Best wishes. 

Drama x

Posted by: holycrosser

Sorry, I need to expand on this.

right now I feel devastated, this impending bill has got me all over the place, I had an old me session today, lost control and gambled like an idiot, a maniac for 3 hours on horses and dogs.

after everything I said, advised, knew, I blew it, I feel like such a failure, I feel like this is the end of me.

i want to make this the end at times, I don’t know how to come back from this.

You can do it - a day at a time is all we can aim for.

I understand about the bill being the trigger. About 18 months ago I had an important car service due and I was a tiny bit short so I thought I would try to win a bit of something to help cover the deficit. I ended up wasting 7 times the amount of the bill. And just to put salt in the wound when it came to paying it, I discovered that there was actually no charge, because it was included in an old service contract which I'd forgotten about.

It was a good lesson and I must be grateful for it, because it's never happened again.

Day by day. It's all we can do.

Truly sorry to read this.. Hope you’re ok

Thanks for the support folks, turning to drink last night feeling sorry for myself will help no one.

I guess its how I react now, today and this week are important days as I can go into self destruct mode or get back on the horse. 

The counting had become important weirdly, I actually contemplated lying to keep my count intact, silly but I did.

Ok, lesson learned and all I can do is calm down, go again, learn and stay in control because all the old feelings were evident yesterday, possessed, heart racing, irrational etc. Day 1 begins , start the obvious stuff, bank card left at home, work hard.

Sorry all, I failed, I go again.

*handing over my money and telling the wife are off the table, for now btw.

Good Morning Holy Crosser

I am glad that you have been posting here, following your recent relapse. This relapse has naturally shaken you up, but it is good that you have put  the brakes on it, reached out here and put further practical  measures in place. 

Earlier in this thread you mention feeling that this is the end of you, please do speak to your GP or call us or the Samaritans if you are having any feelings of not being able to go on and if you have an actual plan please call 999 or take yourself to A&E. Sometimes things can feel overwhelming, especially after a relapse but there is always help and support available and many many people manage to quit for good after a relapse, so there is always hope.

If you haven't done this already, it may be worth talking with a HelpLine adviser about the things that led to the relapse so you can put a plan in place to reduce the risk in future and also to ensure you know about all available support- for example I don't know if you've had a treatment referral, or would like one?

Please take care of yourself and do see this as an opportunity to learn and keep get back into your recovery with more self-knowledge and an even stronger purpose, and do ring the HelpLine anytime you want or need to.

Wishing you all the best

Forum Admin

Thanks Admin, I know you are here for support and I thank you.

i knew this was an important time in my life, I’m panicking as that’s what I do but I need to hold tight and see how my tax bill develops, I can’t do anything for 2 weeks, I’ve no idea why I get like this, gambling will not solve it ever.

Today I go again, I repeat I will always be honest with my feelings , I’ve calmed down, I literally had just gambled when I mentioned my head was in a bad place, it makes us react that way.

thanks for the support as ever.

Well made it through day 1 like I’d never been away from the GF lifestyle.

im not going to dwell, if I go through my life with one blow out every 200 days I’d probably take that, however the target is to stop forever again, it has to be.

thank you again for not judging me

Day 2 begins 

Happy no urges came , I think the shock has given me the inspiration to go again.

Pay day tomorrow. 

Hi Holycrosser

Really sorry to hear about your recent relapse, especially as you are such a supportive member on this site.

However hard it is at the moment I think we have to realise there will be almost inevitably be a few bumps in our road to recovery. There are very few diaries on here from people who manage to make the decision to stop and achieve it without a relapse of some sort. 

In my opinion I think the most important thing to take out of any relapse is to ensure you learn from them. I have had two relapses (both after about 300 days) and took some pretty strong lessons from them. After the first I learnt that my gambling behaviour (what I thought was controlled gambling followed very quickly by totally irresponsible gambling) was never going to change. After the second I learnt that I was never going to stop regardless of how much I won - I won big but just gave it all back. These are known behaviours of a compulsive gamblers but it seems I needed to learn them myself the hard way. I don't want to learn any more gambling lessons the hard way.

I hope you have learnt something about yourself and it helps to stop for good.

Good luck

Muststop123

Posted by: Muststop123

Hi Holycrosser

Really sorry to hear about your recent relapse, especially as you are such a supportive member on this site.

However hard it is at the moment I think we have to realise there will be almost inevitably be a few bumps in our road to recovery. There are very few diaries on here from people who manage to make the decision to stop and achieve it without a relapse of some sort. 

In my opinion I think the most important thing to take out of any relapse is to ensure you learn from them. I have had two relapses (both after about 300 days) and took some pretty strong lessons from them. After the first I learnt that my gambling behaviour (what I thought was controlled gambling followed very quickly by totally irresponsible gambling) was never going to change. After the second I learnt that I was never going to stop regardless of how much I won - I won big but just gave it all back. These are known behaviours of a compulsive gamblers but it seems I needed to learn them myself the hard way. I don't want to learn any more gambling lessons the hard way.

I hope you have learnt something about yourself and it helps to stop for good.

Good luck

Muststop123

Top post and helps, I do need to learn and go 200 days and more, day 2 done.

thank you so much for this.

Friday.pay day.day 3

Stay on your guard. Be good to yourself by not gambling as I do the same... 🙂