My recovery diary

Thankyou all for popping by, ive read and appreciate your messages 

LouxX 

195 days gamble free but i feel like im breaking

Been really stressed since the end of last week more than normal it feels at the point of being unbearable..im so stressed to the point i can feem it physically too

I dont need advice to comtact anyone my gp already knows and i have other contacts. Just thought id get it out a bit on here. 

When im not at work (which im struggle to even be there atm) im laid in bed tearful on my phone which makes recovery harder I need to be out my bed at least doing actiivties or something in my flat. But my flat is a tip one big floordrobe i need help and someones offerred to help in may if theres less restrictions. I have tried doing 10 mins here or there but i never get on top..it all went downhill when my mental health did then the gambming had started. Maybe as way to escape all the other chaos and not having other things to do

I dont have a social life out of work or eveneave my flat to go shops etc i feel to scared too...but its hard when you feel rubbish about yourself in general.

I want help im going to accept help..i just feel like im slowly breaking down. Ive already been on some sites which arnt gambling but its the next closest thing. But im trying to also focus on paying off debt.

I cant take much more i dont want to be going round in circles..im breaking down at the fact ive got worse this last week when i spent ages been okay.

I made it back to work this year which ive really had to fight for,i love my job but at the same time i just really need a break..but thats not possible right now. Its hard i have a very responsible job where peoples lifes are in my hands its hard to go put on a confident face to make others feel safe when your struggling yourself.

Please no harsh comments for this entry i know i need to help myself etc and i am trying but also im feeling very fragile this week

Loux 

Hi Lou,

It's really heartbreaking reading your post and fear not, this won't be a harsh post nor will it be filled with platitudes either (just one platitude at the end 😉 )  Just an acknowledgement of how you are truly feeling at the moment and also, I hope, some genuine hope borne out of my personal experience and understanding.

In my 20s (I'm now in my 50s) I lived alone, in a studio flat, with not many friends in a working life where I had to be switched on, positive and bubbly (I was a junior manager in a customer services setting).  Despite appearances, like you are now, I was depressed, with gambling my expensive outlet, which, of course, just made things worse.  My place was a bit of a tip, to be honest, and I dreaded the lonely evenings. My family were supportive, but lived away, and I tended to put on a front (as you do).

So whilst I'm not now in your shoes, I think I can resonate to how you're feeling now, at least.

Turning points for me were, firstly, getting my place sorted out.  And I really did Lou, with my Mum's help, get my flat sorted out.  I cleared out all the c**P, got rid of stuff I didn't need (I was a bit of a hoarder) and refreshed it. It didn't take long, actually, given it was a small flat, but I got rid of something like 12 bin bags of stuff I didn't need and got good condition, second hand furniture and a new bed.  A friend of a friend decorated the walls in light pastels (I was fortunate to get 'mates rates') and the place looked totally different at the end.

It was somewhere I didn't mind being at all; somewhere I could call home. 

I mention this, Lou, because I know on the Chat threads you have been talking about doing something like this and I think it's a brilliant idea. Whether renting or your own, it doesn't matter, it's an opportunity to refresh up and declutter the place you call home.  I like to think this will help you immensely.

It will also give you extra pride in wanting to share your home and have visitors where you know they'll feel extra welcome. I don't know your personal or family life, Lou, but there may well be potential here for both.

As regards the inner you, Lou, my personal belief, and this is what helped me, is to talk, talk, talk. Gamcare is good but there are other chatlines out there where it doesn't have to be gambling-centric. As you say, your GP can help in some respects, but their time is limited, but they can suggest people to talk to.  There is a world of difference between the fine line of being along and lonely, Lou, and never want to see you being lonely.

Variety of this nature, ultimately, is what helped me, Lou.  My flat looked good, and for the first time in ages I had a girlfriend and my social life (her friends became my friends) expanded and things got better.  I don't know what you hope and dream for Lou but you have tremendous potential.  Not only with the strong and responsible personality your professional job demands, but your wonderful personality that has been evident on the Chat and other threads!  A pretty good mix, I would say.

At the time, I stopped taking antidepressants - which tired me out - and I felt so much more awake!  But I appreciate medication works differently for everyone.

So, I'm not saying I have answers Lou. But truly say I think I understand.  And hope my words make a teensy weensy bit of difference. And I will finish with just ONE platitude, if you'll let me 😉 - things WILL get better because you are taking steps to make things better, including being open and honest about how you're feeling, which is all part of the remedy.

Take care Lou; I'm with you; we're all with you.

Dear @loux,

really sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment. You have come such a long way and made so many changes, I can imagine it is disappointing feeling like this and being unable to cope right now.

I really recommend you read RochG's post, I think it is a good example of even when things are difficult there comes a time when you will have more energy to make some more changes. Even if they are small. Because these small steps eventually turn to bigger ones and you find yourself moving forward in leaps and bounds. Just please keep reaching out and talk, please keep the focus even when things feel difficult.

You deserve it and you matter.

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Hi lou. As Eva said read and re-read RochGs post it really seems like he's walked in similar shoes. I worked for 30years as a nurse and was known as the nurse on the ward that was always happy,smiling, always up for a laugh, the patients used to ask for me to look after them if I wasn't busy busy id sit on the bed and talk to them, listen to all their troubles.......me I couldn't talk to anyone about myself I didn't like myself so why would I want to talk about myself ?  I think gambling is all part of the self destruction along with lack of self care, I was the other way I incessantly cleaned and tidied . I think in my head keeping the house clean , making sure my son and husband had nice food , nice clothes properly ironed made up for my gambling,self loathing etc. What you are talking about takes on many guises and I understand that what you feel is no personal fulfilment in life and that you have given up the one thing that gave you ' a buzz ' I know you know that you are better off without gambling and I hope that this period of your life will ease soon and you will feel the wonderful benefits of not gambling. The best thing that has happened for me is finding that way to talk say how I really feel my mental health is better now than it has been for many years. Keep trying lou , keep fighting , how I feel now is worth fighting for, keep posting and getting out how you feel I hope one day things will click for you xxx

Lou xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx cyber hug (((((((((((((((((((lou)))))))))))))))))))))))))))), i think roch has hit the nail on the head.  hope to c u in chat xxxx

What did I miss? I looked away for a few mins and chat room had shut?

Posted by: RochG

 

Hi Lou,

It's really heartbreaking reading your post and fear not, this won't be a harsh post nor will it be filled with platitudes either (just one platitude at the end 😉 )  Just an acknowledgement of how you are truly feeling at the moment and also, I hope, some genuine hope borne out of my personal experience and understanding.

In my 20s (I'm now in my 50s) I lived alone, in a studio flat, with not many friends in a working life where I had to be switched on, positive and bubbly (I was a junior manager in a customer services setting).  Despite appearances, like you are now, I was depressed, with gambling my expensive outlet, which, of course, just made things worse.  My place was a bit of a tip, to be honest, and I dreaded the lonely evenings. My family were supportive, but lived away, and I tended to put on a front (as you do).

So whilst I'm not now in your shoes, I think I can resonate to how you're feeling now, at least.

Turning points for me were, firstly, getting my place sorted out.  And I really did Lou, with my Mum's help, get my flat sorted out.  I cleared out all the c**P, got rid of stuff I didn't need (I was a bit of a hoarder) and refreshed it. It didn't take long, actually, given it was a small flat, but I got rid of something like 12 bin bags of stuff I didn't need and got good condition, second hand furniture and a new bed.  A friend of a friend decorated the walls in light pastels (I was fortunate to get 'mates rates') and the place looked totally different at the end.

It was somewhere I didn't mind being at all; somewhere I could call home. 

I mention this, Lou, because I know on the Chat threads you have been talking about doing something like this and I think it's a brilliant idea. Whether renting or your own, it doesn't matter, it's an opportunity to refresh up and declutter the place you call home.  I like to think this will help you immensely.

It will also give you extra pride in wanting to share your home and have visitors where you know they'll feel extra welcome. I don't know your personal or family life, Lou, but there may well be potential here for both.

As regards the inner you, Lou, my personal belief, and this is what helped me, is to talk, talk, talk. Gamcare is good but there are other chatlines out there where it doesn't have to be gambling-centric. As you say, your GP can help in some respects, but their time is limited, but they can suggest people to talk to.  There is a world of difference between the fine line of being along and lonely, Lou, and never want to see you being lonely.

Variety of this nature, ultimately, is what helped me, Lou.  My flat looked good, and for the first time in ages I had a girlfriend and my social life (her friends became my friends) expanded and things got better.  I don't know what you hope and dream for Lou but you have tremendous potential.  Not only with the strong and responsible personality your professional job demands, but your wonderful personality that has been evident on the Chat and other threads!  A pretty good mix, I would say.

At the time, I stopped taking antidepressants - which tired me out - and I felt so much more awake!  But I appreciate medication works differently for everyone.

So, I'm not saying I have answers Lou. But truly say I think I understand.  And hope my words make a teensy weensy bit of difference. And I will finish with just ONE platitude, if you'll let me 😉 - things WILL get better because you are taking steps to make things better, including being open and honest about how you're feeling, which is all part of the remedy.

Take care Lou; I'm with you; we're all with you.

 

Thankyou so much @Roch for sharing this with me, i have read it over and over again. It actually made me emotional hearing someone else has been in similar shoes. I appreciate you sharing this. I am getting help soon hopefully to sort my flat its too overwhelming to deal with alone i think it would make me feel better and what to get up and do other activities/distractions when not at work. And yes its hard pretending to others your okay and putting a confident face on..when inside your struggling so badly. 

Again thankyou for sharing and giving hope that things can change 

Loux 

@charlieboy thankyou so much for your reply as well can really relate with the work it takes all your energy to be okay there and the lack of self care is unfortunatly 100% true. Im going in and making sure other peoples basic needs are met but i dont maintain my own. Luckily ive been giving this weekend off now so i can try and focus on meeting my own needs a bit. Glad to hear your doing well.

@forumadmin Eva thankyou also for your reply the last bit got me 'you deserve it and you matter'. Thankyou so much.

@Adam123 thanks for the cyberhug

And debsy i saw your question was answered on a different post

Thankyou everyone it really means a lot

Loux

Hi Lou,

Thank you for your kind words. Another way to look at it is that you are really 'digging deep' right now, and these are deep foundations you're digging.  It's hard work, and not very pleasant at times!  But on top of these excellent foundations you'll build a better life.  But ... as I recognise, it's not easy, but it'll play out well, Lou, I'm sure of that 🙂 

I think the easing of lockdown is starting to affect me for others its probably a massive relief but this week ive been struggling more and more

My mental health has really decline this week feeling painfull depressed irritable and upset.

As much as there is always a part of me thats tempted ive remains  197 days gamble free 

Although i feel very alone

Lou x

Th lou for kind words on my diary, it really means so much that you find the courage to post on diaries when basically " call a spade a spade " you've been feeling c**P. I really really hope and pray that peace and happiness comes your way xx

These are nice words from Charlieboy, Lou, aren't they.  There's a lot of support for you on here 🙂

There is going to be a sense of anti-climax when you hit 200 days, Lou.  I felt the same at 100.  But there's no extra pressure, it's just another day *in the right direction*.

You can't see it now.  I know you can't.  But, like an invisible 'slow wave', things are turning for you Lou.  And I am here, *we* are here, every step.  You're never alone.

You know me by now, Lou - I say things as I see them. I'm a very straight talker. If I felt, knowing you on here to the degree I do, that you were veering in the wrong direction, I would say. But, instinctively, I think you are heading into a better place.  Sometimes the extra self-awareness and understanding you get as you strive can seem like a backwards step, but it's not, because these are positive things.

Steady as you sail Lou 🙂

Thankyou both 

LouXx 

200 days gamble free today

Lou x