My Diary

D122010 wrote: I've had a fair few urges hence why I'm making a point to come here this morning. Probably because I'm busy, stressed, slightly nervous about the new role and of course Cheltenham just around the corner. I need to keep busy this week and I'll be on here every morning making sure I start the day right.

This is great self-awareness mate. All the things you have listed have caught me out in the past.

Yes, make sure you start the day right... Especially while 'that meeting' is on ;o)

Congrats on your new role!

Thanks signalman.

Day 56. I will not gamble today!

Day 57. Can't wait to Cheltenham is over. I had a horrible day yesterday. Urges to bet, thoughts of the past, thoughts over future, thoughts like I'll never escape this addiction - just a bad day. I'll get back and get right soon. I have to try, I can't give in, I know the life of a gambler and it sucks, I need to give a new way of life a chance.

Day 58. I will not gamble today. I can not control my gambling, for some unknown reason that I can't even explain, it controls me. So I must not place that first bet because it will lead to destruction.

Day 59. No more gambling for me. I can't control it, so it's not worth the risk of a little one off bet

Well done for not giving in. I know it is difficult i want to gamble especially at night when everyone has gone to sleep. You have to keep going and never give up. I’ve come to realise that I will be a gambler for the rest of my life but it has to be up to me to continually block myself otherwise I know I will lose my family and having read stories here of couples breaking up because of gambling I don’t want to be in that situation

I know exactly how you feel. I wish you all the best.

Day 61. 2 months gamble free. I'm not stopping, this count is going to keep going up

Great work on 61 days gf. One day at a time and before you know it you will have hit your 100 day goal.

Thank you anon. Day 64

Wow day 64 last post on here, I'm on day 103 now.

Don't feel great to be honest, home life a is struggle. Work is good but tough. I have to work long hours and am not at home as much as I like but any reduction in hours or position means the bills don't get paid .

I feel a bit lost in life even though I have so much. Day to day I just feel like I'm surviving and not living and I don't really know how to get out of the slump. My main priority is my daughter and making sure I'm here for her 100% I can't be here all the time because of work and that's just life but I put all I can in to helping her and making her happy.

I just don't know why I feel lost is it withdrawal from gambling? Is it that life's just tough and I need to deal with it. I really don't know what'swhat's going  with me right now, I just know I'm not right. I just put on a front with everyone, thethe only person who sees it is my wife but I don't really tell her anything, she just see's a boring man who barely says anything to her and when we do it's mostly arguing.

I'm an organised guy I don't relax well I need plan and direction and right now I don't really have a plan or the right mindset. I don't know if any of this makes sense I just wanted to type something as I feel I can't talk to anyone. I have a lot of support and maybe I should just use it but there are reason why I feel I can't talk to those people right now. 

Anyway positives gambling isn't a problem right now and my debt although still large is in one place with zero interest which I pay a DD monthly so just like paying the gas bill so that doesn't stress me anymore - or nowhere near what it used to anyway. 

Thanks for listening 

Well done, just be patient and life one day will be better then go live it.

Hello D122010,

Its a tough grinding road that can feel like it never ends or gets better. It can and it does. Do what you have to do to get through the day and when you have the strength fight it. Resting is not weakness.

The Mountain

If the mountain seems too big today

then climb a hill instead.

If the morning brings you sadness

Its ok to stay in bed.

If the day ahead weighs heavy

and your plans feel like a curse,

there's no shame in rearranging,

don't make yourself feel worse.

If a shower stings like needles

and a bath feels like you'll drown,

if you haven't washed your hair for days,

don't throw away your crown.

A day is not a lifetime

a rest is not defeat,

don't think of it as failure,

just a quiet, kind retreat.

It's ok to take a moment

from an anxious, fractured mind,

the world will not stop turning

while you get realigned.

The mountain will still be there

when you want to try again,

you can climb it in your own time,

just love yourself til then.

All the best.

Day 134. 

Thanks as always for your posts. I may be back on here more regularly in the near future or may not. I've admitted something to my wife and finally accepted I need help. 

I have some form of depression and I don't know exactly why I feel what I do or why I think what I think but I have seen my gp and been referred to someone who I have now had an assessment with and I'm going to a group session once a week for 4 weeks starting this week. I'm nervous but glad I'm finally getting help, perhaps there's light at the end of the tunnel. 

I haven't told anyone else but I will soon as I think one of the points will be to get it out there and open up. 

It's funny how other than my wife you are the first to know, it shows how much I value this site and how much it has meant to me for all these years even if I don't post much anymore. It is nice to know I have this outlet. Going back to what I said about being here more, if they recommend any type of diary activity I think I'll use this. Why not? Ive been open and honest about a lot on here so why not keep my story going.

Thanks gamcare. 

Day 142. Been up and down but no real urge to gamble. Need to remain vigilant but I think I'm OK right now in that regard but you never know whats round the corner. 

Went to my course thing about depression was pretty good I suppose although very nervous and I think the second one will be better. That's tomorrow and I haven't done all my homework - naughty boy! 

I'll do it tomorrow - hopefully - I don't want detention!! 

Wow its been a while! But I come back not defeated, not exactly bouncing but in a better place than I was. I am much happier than I was and have made enough adjustments that I can enjoy certain activities and just feel lifted from whatever dark hole I was in. The journey is not over and I still have a way to go but I'm now going the right way. I hope 2020 will be a good year because I think 2019 was perhaps the worst of my life.

I hope to enjoy 2020 and 2021 to be a real change and a new me leaving the past behind. Its a long way away but no point being unrealistic.

I'm looking forward to Christmas, hopefully I'll have all bought by the end of next weekend, then I'll wrap up the week after and enjoy the buzz of Christmas.