My last bet was yesterday (28/08/2018).....
In the last few weeks I have swung from the high's of winning what too some would be life changing sums to the rock bottom low of yesterday of blowing through again to what somewould deem a life changing sum of money.
Why? Simply because I am a compulsive gambler who could never hope to win. Yes I've just been dealing with a major family issue and perhaps this finally tipped me over the edge again.
I had stopped once before for 6-9 months through GA and during that time I remember life getting so much better and relastionships healing themselves and then I slipped back and over the next couple of years I went around sometimes in control, sometimes out of control, occassionaly going back to GA but finding it was never really the same. The reason it wasnt the same isnt that the rooms dont work (they do) it's that I had gone backwards and was trying to use GA as a crutch to try and contol aspects of my gambling that were rotten (FOBT, online casino gambling) whilst trying to keep the bits I felt I could enjoy and was "good at" (horse racing, sports & poker) believing if I could kick the casino games out all would be well, but, no matter how I tried the lure of the wheel would always become to great and I would lurch from one euphoric win to the next catastrophe, but always remaining some amount of control so I could cover it all up.
This last week though is the worst and I didnt sleep last night I am so shamed by what I have done and today I have run around from pillar to post working out how to make it better. I can make it better, maybe I'm fortunate to be able to do that but of course the very first thing is accepting that I stand no chance of making it better by trying to chase it down. I will have to suffer for a few months to rectify the financial position. The financial aspect is the easy bit though, it's the longevity aspect that's tougher, it's easy to stop and make a plan but real change has to come from inside. I firmly believe now after one last final kicking, the worst single kicking I have ever taken I'm ready to admit I am powerless to stop and I am ready to move on and start a complete life free from gambling. Totally free, no half way "oh it's the Grand National, that's different".......
I've done everything I can now to try and block myself:
I really like the idea of GAMSTOP and how I woke up this morning to a reaft of emails telling me "your self excluded", long overdue.... I even tried to open a couple of new accounts just toconvince myself it will work and both times as I completed the details section it stopped me and said an account could not be activated. This free service seems long overdue and I'm praying it will be the final piece of the jigsaw which will allow me the peace and time to recover.
Well today at midnight became day 1 for me and so far so good, hopefully I'll be back to update for many days, weeks, months & years tha this time I'm free.
Just for today, I will not gamble.
Its funny when we go to GA meetings (in my case AA meetings, Im alkie and CG) things get better! its not magic, AA/GA works, IF WE WORK IT! you get out what you PUT IN and CHANGE WE MUST!
Dont deceive yourself well if i quit one area and stick to the winning areas we'll be ok! BUL sh *t - We cannot win as we cannot stop, with AA they talk about changing drinks, only drinking in the evenings, changing from scotch to brandy, beer only, never drinking on the job, taking a trip not taking a trip etc etc etc.
Im not one to preach as i've f ed up so many times from acohol and gambling and am only 10 days free from both- but im doing as suggested and getting my b**t to as many meeting s as i can , Life this aint a rehearsal so enjoy it, dont ruin it chasing that big win that WONT COME and if it does its only stake money we all know that as we cant control this disease, we only get recovery 24 hours a day, .
Take care gav
Thanks Gav, Not preaching at all, sound hard advice, often exactly what is needed as we need to face our problem head on rather than trying to hide away and hope it will go away.
2nd full day now although I have just passed the 48hr mark of not having a bet.
Feel the fog lifting already, calmer and mor attentativeto real life (actually done a power of work today instead of either frittering time & money away gambling or running around trying to repair the carnage left in my wake).
Still get urges and of course they are hard but I use the fact that I hav signed up to GAMSTOP to remind me that sitting on my phone at work gambling is now no longer a realistic option.
Rather than trying to find ways to circumnavigate the exclusion I think of it like this:
If I get round the inital blocking and succesfully sign up I will deposit ££££££ and may win but most likely lose. If I win there is a better than good chance that within a couple of hours the site will be alert to the fact I am signed up to GAMSTOP and then block my account and as per their terms and conditions will only refund my deposit. If I lose and they then block it again as per the terms & conditions they will keep the deposit(s) I lost.
Either way I lose or at the very best can only hope to get my money back, so what's the point?
No gambling to report.
Feeling better, mental strength is getting better. Still have the wreckage of the last gambling spree to wade through but I’ll get there so long as I don’t gamble.
Weekend always a tough time for CG always lots to turn your head to bet on. Not for me though.
Just for today I will not gamble.
Been very busy and now on day 9 (I think) gambling free.
Today a little tired and bored I guess and getting the urge a little but realising that life is better without gambling is the way to keep me sane!
I knoew there would be moments like this and I guess coming back on here just re-iterates to myslef that I dont want to go back down that road again and I have to draw the R*d line at some point.
A little release of the tension goes a long way, soon be going home time, a lie down maybe to clear the head and relax a bit.
No gambling to report.
Keep busy, lots on, don’t miss it, what’s to miss?
Now who’s going to miss that lot? Gambling brings no pleasure, no relief, you are seeking relief in the very thing that causes you misery.... mental eh?
Day 14 now and my first real thought of hitting the FOBT came at lunchtime....
Went as far as the car and then walked onto the smoking shelter and had a cig instead (I know but lesser of two evils).....
I had to realise that even “winning” say a grand wouldn’t repair the damage from the last relapse and it would in fact only re-start the whole sorry cycle.... Even if I “won” I would have just been back on the wheel and in the end carnage would ensue!!!!!
Take the positive, acted on the second thought and rationalised why that is the right choice.
Realised the main driving forces behind the thought was, 1, boredom and 2, worry about money.
1. Boredom will pass, find something better to do with your time.
2. The financial aspect will rectify itself in time with one big caveat.... there’s no chance of repairing it by gambling, it will only make it worse.
Today I’m free from gambling and that’s the biggest positive, I won’t fall back into the trap of escapism and the lure of “easy money”....
Onwards with a life free from gambling.