Martins recovery diary

Hi Martin :))

I think Guilt and self loathing go hand in hand with addiction , I went through many period's of my life where rather than gambling I should have been there supporting someone through a difficult time , looking back and probably like yourself that's not something I'm at all proud of . 

The thing is mate it's " Addiction " and all the time were wrapped up in our own warped world all sense goes out of the window as were just selfish people . 

These day's I occasionally have moment's of " what if " but have learnt through time and as was once told by another poster that " It's ok to look back just don't stare " . 

True word's buddy as we can look back all we like but it won't change  a thing but drawing a line under it and moving forward in a way that brings back our pride and self esteem will . 

Your now back in the room ( no hypnotherapy pun intended ) and are there to support Amanda and her difficult time with her nan just as she's supported you for so long . 

Initially when I gave up gambling my whole focus was on money lost but I believe that was gambling trying to get me back in the game again , which it's going to try lets be honest ? . 

I soon realised that it's about so much more, especially all that time lost which I can't replace unlike the money which will come back over time . 

Never gambling again can be such a scary prospect I know it certainly was for me , so I found breaking it down to one day at time for now at least to be the way forward as with anything in life bite size chunk's can be easier to deal with :)) . 

Try and keep yourself busy though as it really does keep the mind occupied and like you said just taking the dog for really long walks can be good , I used to talk to my dog as well regarding all my woes in life and not ashamed to say she's witnessed me shed a few tears along the way as well , although she's nearly 15 now and pretty fed up with my ramblings over the years , so much so in fact that she's tried running away with as many shmacko's as she can carry but unfortunately for her I always find her and bring her back for more :)) 

Wishing you well buddy and keep doing what your doing :)) 

Ps . The next dog I get I'm going to name " Repent " , imagine the look on peoples faces as I run through the forest screaming  " REPENT , REPENT  " :)) . 

All the best :)) 

DAY 9

been at work on lates today the morning was filled with playing with bailey and messing about with my G scale loft layout. 

I haven’t had thoughts of gambling today so that is a big plus, have noticed today my finger nails I can see the white bit again as when I gamble I bite them down as low as they will go.

in general feeling a lot happier already and pleased with how I’m using my spare time now rather than wasting it on a computer for gambling.

Have also started a new save on FM19 now if anything will keep me occupied for hours that is definitely the one.

Amandas nan still very poorly in hospital so trying to support her as much as I can with that too. We will get there just taking each day as it comes.

Thankyou for your reply Alan 🙂

before joining this site you kind of forget that other people go through this too and this site is definitely helped me so far . I can’t even remember what attempt this is at quitting but I’m determined this will be the one. Because yeah your right it is a terrifying thought to think never placing a bet again at the time and it hooked me back in but I never ever win I only ever gave it all back and more, and I have finally seen sense after years and years of gambling , trying to quit, and being in the zone or not really wanting to give up I now 100% realise that giving up is exactly what I want and need . 

i see on your profile your well over 1000 days gamble free!, I really hope I stay strong and can get to that too one day!!

Posted by: Martin91

Thankyou for your reply Alan 🙂

before joining this site you kind of forget that other people go through this too and this site is definitely helped me so far . I can’t even remember what attempt this is at quitting but I’m determined this will be the one. Because yeah your right it is a terrifying thought to think never placing a bet again at the time and it hooked me back in but I never ever win I only ever gave it all back and more, and I have finally seen sense after years and years of gambling , trying to quit, and being in the zone or not really wanting to give up I now 100% realise that giving up is exactly what I want and need . 

i see on your profile your well over 1000 days gamble free!, I really hope I stay strong and can get to that too one day!!

My thought's and sentiments exactly Martin .

I was kind of blown away by the amount of people here when I arrived , I'd spent so many years in bookies full of people who seemed to be handling gambling perfectly well so obviously thought I was the only one that couldn't control it , now I've had bit of time away from addiction I see that so many people I once thought were in control also have a huge problem with gambling but like myself chose to ignore it .

Once somebody on here said to me " don't worry were all the same on here " I actually got quite emotional and very relieved :)) . 

All the best Martin :)) 

DAY 10

Today is not a good day , today is the day Amanda’s nan very sadly passed away. I still can’t believe it’s true at the moment me and Amanda have been together 6yrs and her nan has always been very good to me it’s like I gained a extra nan during our time together and she’s always been so healthy even up to a few weeks back.

I now feel more guilty and low than ever that I started gambling again while she was ill but at that time I literally couldn’t help myself. I can’t explain why I couldn’t but I just couldn’t. I was selfish I was uncaring and that was all because of addiction. Horrible nasty gambling addiction.

I also can’t get over how fast it has all happened just a few weeks ago she was fine to now ..., how fast it’s happened has made me self reflect I don’t want to waste my precious time on this planet gambling , not anymore I’ve wasted enough time doing that. Time is far to precious for me to waste anymore.

in the past I’ve blocked my emotions and turned to gambling when I have been upset probably as a self defence mechanism , but not today since work I’ve been a blubbering mess which I’m glad about because I’m not blocking emotions out anymore.

Baileys cuddles are helping but it’s still been extremely tough.

We have also had redundancy offers put in at work today to top it all off So today is tough, very tough. 10 days in and everything being thrown my way to cave in it seems but I won’t give in , not now , not ever. 

If I was ever going to just give in today would of been that day with what’s happened but I’m glad to say I haven’t gambled instead me and Amanda have been crying it out.

Today may be a tough terrible horrible day that we never expected but we have tomorrow and fingers crossed tomorrow will be a better day ...

R.I.P Granny Small

Sorry to hear your sad news Martin and my condolences to you Amanda and your family .     Life is so precious my friend and can change I’m the blink of an eye . That in itself is something you can use for strength in your recovery to take you forward .     Look after each other and once again I’m sorry to read of your loss .        Alan 

Posted by: A 9

Sorry to hear your sad news Martin and my condolences to you Amanda and your family .     Life is so precious my friend and can change I’m the blink of an eye . That in itself is something you can use for strength in your recovery to take you forward .     Look after each other and once again I’m sorry to read of your loss .        Alan 

Thankyou it means a lot 

DAY 11

After yesterday today has been a hard day again and I think it will be for a long time unfortunately.

I am now on shutdown from work for a week which normally would lead to gambling temptation but not this time , Amanda is off too so we will spend quality time together and with puppy Bailey.

writing how I’m feeling down on here is definitely helping normally I wouldn’t show any emotion and put it all in gambling to make me feel better but I’m not doing that now. My finger nails now almost look completely back to normal now the biting from gambling has stopped.

If I’ve learned anything the not bottling up and talking / crying is good for me. Rather than living in a mess in my own head without letting anyone else in to how I’m feeling.

Another gamble free day and another small step too overcoming this.

DAY 12

still gamble free today spent the day retail therapying with Amanda trying to help cheer her up after what’s happened .

Bought a lot of candles which we are burning now , very relaxing especially this crackling sound one.

I walked past a couple of betting shops to get us dinner tonight , I looked at them and had no urge to go in more just a feeling of why did I always use to walk in . I think I feel angry at the shops and sites and adverts now more than anything. The amounts of adverts on tv is shocking it literally seems to be every other advert on some channels ?

I know it’s still very early on but after so many failed attempts at stopping before I am so happy with how I feel towards the whole gambling industry right now.

this site helps me realise even more so how much damage gambling does to so many people...

with day 12 over let’s keep it going. I can do this and to anyone reading YOU can do this too...

we all got this!

Congratulations on day 12 Martin. 

I'm on day 12 too and feel great! I had 1 day where I really struggled, I think it was day 5? But I didn't gamble. I felt so proud, and you should too. 

So sorry to hear about Amanda's nan. Stay strong for her. 

Carry on doing what your doing. We can smash this! X

Posted by: Kell

Congratulations on day 12 Martin. 

I'm on day 12 too and feel great! I had 1 day where I really struggled, I think it was day 5? But I didn't gamble. I felt so proud, and you should too. 

So sorry to hear about Amanda's nan. Stay strong for her. 

Carry on doing what your doing. We can smash this! X

Thankyou so much and well done to you too!

believe me I’ve had some tough days in these 12 some days more tough than some I’ve had in years so I’m so proud too I haven’t given in as before I would have literally just bottled all emotion up and sat on sites all night playing for the sake of it

and Thankyou I definitely will, Amanda appreciates the messages too when I first started this I didn’t show her the messages because I get embarrassed showing her what I write, but she sees them all now too.

Carry on withwhat your doing too, heres to us both beating this!! 

Shes obviously loves you and wants to support you through this. I show my husband all the messages, without his support I probably wouldn't be here now. Things got that tough. 

But look at us now, smashing it and actually feeling happy. 

Goodnight sweet dreams. X

keep going it gets easier but you do this for life

Posted by: holycrosser

keep going it gets easier but you do this for life

100%! ???