Life With Sports Bets Only

Oh my God

Im such a fraud 

People at work think I’m an ordinary guy 

It’s just a charade it’s just a big lie

Im an addict whose life is a mess

They think I’ve got money I couldn’t have less 

A mountain of debts dunno when they reduce 

Always gonna be tied never gonna be loose 

Live in the present don’t think of the past 

My best memories are so long ago I thought the good times would last 

I exist I don’t live I just go round in circles every day 

Can’t see any change coming my way 

Always remember there are others worse off when it’s time for bed

Some do not have a roof over their head

Try to be content with my mediocre life and not bet

Love the rain don’t mind getting wet

Try to be thankful for just being alive 

To find something to replace the missing buzz I’ll continually strive 

Because without a reason to get out of bed 

Most people would agree they would be just as well dead 

Thanks for your thoughtful poem, Captain.  I hope that you enjoyed your own creativity in putting these words together.  It sounds like you are describing times when the daily grind feels like a hard slog, times when you are struggling to keep a wise perspective, to feel gratitude and purpose.  Yet, your poem is meaningful and expresses good intentions and benign aspirations.  Maybe sharing it on the forum has helped some readers appreciate that they aren't alone in experiencing times when joy seems elusive.  If you ever feel like chatting with an adviser you know we are available around the clock on the freephone and netline.

Take care,

Adam.

Thanks for the response Adam, appreciated 

Life is so dull and boring without gambling, just feel flat all the time. Gambling brought lots of problems to my life, financial, relationship wise, health wise etc. But when I was gambling I felt more alive, I had periods of time each day to experience highs/lows, feel alive, have something to look forward to, an event to watch which I could enjoy.

I can fill time but it’s only that, I’m productive at work and doing my chores and exercising but times in between are just flat, zero spark, can’t see a way to break the cycle.

Financial benefit of abstinence is just that - debt doesn’t increase ( well just a bit occasionally ), doesn’t mean I have any more money, paying minimum amounts and essentials takes up vast majority of income and any reduction in debts is years away if ever.

Anyway its not about lack of money, even if I had more money that wouldn’t stop me feeling flat. You can’t rely on the drug of gambling as a means of existing for 30 years and just suddenly be ok without it after a few months. 

I congratulate others who quit and have better lives but to say it’s like that for everyone is a myth. Some like me are so deeply reliant and steeped in the gambling drug that the void is too big and irreplaceable.

I can remember days in the distant past

Where did they go why didn’t they last

When I could live my life without needing a bet

When addiction hadn’t kicked in yet

When work was easy no drug required

When I didn’t go to bed until I was tired

Then for many years I needed the buzz to       give confidence to get me through 

Days without a bet they were few

Winning enabled me to do my job

On losing days I was a bit of a slob 

Most days I won so all seemed fine and I could attack 

But then just one bad day per month would see me give it all back 

Now I don’t have buzz to help me along 

Don’t feel happy, never burst into song

Count the hours till the clock strikes nine

Time for escape, sleepy time

Bad decisions I took the wrong roads

Got lost in the maze didn’t have get out codes 

So now life is mediocre and sad

Recall old memories it wasn’t all bad 

But no more pleasures just playing out my time 

Haven’t a life and haven’t a dime 

Captain, I finally made it to the current time of your diary. 
Firstly, I want to say I was a little hurt by your reply when I asked you what you did for a living in chat the other evening.  Maybe that’s my problem and not yours, who knows? But you did ask me if I had any questions. You didn’t have to go deep into details, could merely have have said I work for a bank, or certain sector. But of course that’s your prerogative. Maybe I want to get a little insight because I feel that would help me understand you better. But, I’ll repeat, maybe that’s my problem and totally understand you not wanting to share personal info. I’ve lived my life as an open book. My Mum has always said to me, only tell people what you want them to know. I guess I’ve wanted people to know everything about me; not completely sure why. 
Whilst reading your diary, I obviously knew how the current story is because we’ve spoken in chat. I know right now you’re gamble free. Your story isn’t at the end Captain, that is yet to be written.

The sun is shining today, and unlike for yourself, it makes me feel good, positive. 

I hope we will speak more. 
T xx

Captain… hello! 
Thank you for your lovely post on my diary. Appreciated it very much. 
And thank you for the explanation re your job. I totally, totally understand. For the record, my OH has a small company and employs me in the office on a part time basis. 

Yes, I finally made it to the current state of play of your diary. Admittedly, I didn’t read everyone’s posts on there, but all of yours. 

We are of a similar age, and I can totally relate, as I’ve mentioned before. At the present time I’m not gamble free. I have played bingo this week and I have also played fruits machines at bingo. I’m finding myself in a predicament. The thing is, I’ve never wanted to give up bingo or actual fruit machines. Yes, I spend money on these activities, but they have never ever caused me a problem. Online caused me problems. And that’s why I stopped, put blocks in place and joined gamcare. BUT I feel a bit like a fraud and that’s why I haven’t been in chat for a while. People ask if you’re gamble free etc etc. I don’t want to trigger anyone, I don’t want to offend anyone and I certainly don’t want to have to explain myself to anyone. 

You clearly were able to “potter” around, when you stuck to sports betting. Overall making a little profit. But as soon as you played the random games you’d eventually lose. It’s similar to me. But I’m lucky in that, online gambling isn’t at the bingo. It’s not all in the same location ( if you get what I mean). 

I’m 51, I enjoy a game of bingo and I enjoy a punt on the fruit machines (I don’t make an overall profit anymore, (those days were over a long time ago) I don’t want to stop that. The question is - should I? 

I hope you are ok Captain, and again, I’m really glad you posted on my diary, it made me smile ?

Speak soon, T xx

Captain - Bonsoir!
It’s now Sunday evening and I’m wondering what kind of weekend you’ve had? Mine has been ok. We are starting to venture out a little more now, hopefully getting back to some kind of normality. 

I wanted to post on your diary, but tonight I’m a little short on words. I feel ok. I keep typing things and then erasing them. 

Probably best I bid you goodnight and speak more another time. 
T xx

Posted by: tizzy1970

Captain… hello! 
Thank you for your lovely post on my diary. Appreciated it very much. 
And thank you for the explanation re your job. I totally, totally understand. For the record, my OH has a small company and employs me in the office on a part time basis. 

Yes, I finally made it to the current state of play of your diary. Admittedly, I didn’t read everyone’s posts on there, but all of yours. 

We are of a similar age, and I can totally relate, as I’ve mentioned before. At the present time I’m not gamble free. I have played bingo this week and I have also played fruits machines at bingo. I’m finding myself in a predicament. The thing is, I’ve never wanted to give up bingo or actual fruit machines. Yes, I spend money on these activities, but they have never ever caused me a problem. Online caused me problems. And that’s why I stopped, put blocks in place and joined gamcare. BUT I feel a bit like a fraud and that’s why I haven’t been in chat for a while. People ask if you’re gamble free etc etc. I don’t want to trigger anyone, I don’t want to offend anyone and I certainly don’t want to have to explain myself to anyone. 

You clearly were able to “potter” around, when you stuck to sports betting. Overall making a little profit. But as soon as you played the random games you’d eventually lose. It’s similar to me. But I’m lucky in that, online gambling isn’t at the bingo. It’s not all in the same location ( if you get what I mean). 

I’m 51, I enjoy a game of bingo and I enjoy a punt on the fruit machines (I don’t make an overall profit anymore, (those days were over a long time ago) I don’t want to stop that. The question is - should I? 

I hope you are ok Captain, and again, I’m really glad you posted on my diary, it made me smile ?

Speak soon, T xx

Hi Tizzy, hope your doing well.

Not seen you around much but this post explains a lot. Please don't feel like you  can't come to chat, your still working hard on the online side of things so well done for that and if you want to continue doing the other side that's totally your choice, no judgements here ? but please don't feel like you can't come along, you have just as much right as anybody else xx

Hi Captain, again, thanks for the post on my diary. 
So, today I went to bingo and lost on machines, quite a lot. I think I must reassess my situation. It makes me sad to think I can no longer play, but, tbh I think I’m kidding myself when I say I don’t have a “problem” when playing land slots. No, it won’t get me into debt, but, it’s an expensive hobby and there are better things I can spend my money on! Especially when I owe my OH 20k!!
So, looks like it’s back to the drawing board….

We as CG have to find things to keep us happy. Things that give us pleasure. 
Apart from gambling in the bookies Captain, what floats your boat? What do you enjoy? I love cooking, making cakes for family. We are always looking for “decent” things to watch on tv. I’ll have to look up Teachers and see if it appeals. I watch some of the tennis, I feel I’m missing something if I don’t watch any during Wimbledon. I love Federer, but cannot see him beating Djokovic. Cannot see anyone beating him! 
Take care, T xx

Hi Captain,

Been a funny old day for me. I started out feeling pretty S****y, but it’s got better as the day has progressed. This morning I woke feeling lost, sad, P****d off at the prospect of no land gambling. But anyway, that feeling passed…

We popped to a few garden centres this afternoon - looking for a decent rattan dining set. That killed a couple of hours! Although we had to dodge the rain ?

I looked up Teachers; it’s more of a comedy thing - I’m not into comedy tbh, takes a lot to make this old gal laugh ? We have watched The Affair, Luther and Line of Duty. Have you watched The Bodyguard? I think it’s about 5 episodes, I’d highly recommend that, Keeley Hawes is in it, she’s a great actress  

I wonder what makes a person compulsive? I’m pretty compulsive in “normal life” are you? Are all compulsive gamblers compulsive in “normal life?” Is there a turning point? 

I’m not into the gym or fitness. We eat pretty healthily and I walk our little Pug Lulu at least once a day. 

Yes, I am lucky my OH has stood by me, I’m not really sure he understands the problem. I know he feels at times I should have more control, he doesn’t get that that’s the problem, I have little control! Only a CG really understands another CG. But, I have to add, I stood by him when he had an affair back in 2016! Life is full of surprises eh? 

On that note, I’m off to eat dinner  

Speak soon T xx

Captain, 

Had to message and say how disappointed I am Federer has just been knocked out in straight sets. Sadly it could be the end. Quite sad, so going to have a few drinks tonight and watch England later. 

Hope you’re ok 

T xx

Hi Captain,

Thanks for your long response, and given in your lunchtime too ?

I’m still pretty P****d off about “Roger” but trying to tell myself he’s had his day and is bloody loaded.  So will be able to lead a very good life because of tennis. I cannot stand all the aggression and raising fist b******t whilst on court. Federer is so smooth, a gentleman, something I love. But hey..

Did you watch the footy? England did well, but will have play even better if they’re to beat Italy on Sunday, but here’s to hoping ?

I will look up The Adulterer; I don’t think we’ve watched it. I can go with subtitles, and they stop my OH from falling asleep ? We enjoy a good drama, although a lot having quite disappointing endings!! If you have any other recommendations please let me know. 

You haven’t mentioned a significant other. Although I did read in your diary you were with someone, or meeting someone. From what you said about an affair, I take it you were married? Regarding my OH affair, it took years for me to actually “get over it” they were very tough times. 

On that note I’m off to get some lunch ?

Speak soon, T xx

Hi Captain, 

Reading your posts of my diary makes me smile. 

Agree about Federer and the last set ? it really affected me, nothing related to gambling, it just really, really P****d me off! But I’ve got to move on from that!

I went out gambling today. I know I said I wasn’t going to, but I did. I want to be totally honest with you otherwise there’s no point. I always say to my OH the only time I’ve ever lied to him is over gambling (more often than not lowering the amount I’ve lost) I think the only time he’s lied to me was whilst having his affair! Anyway, because we both understand the addiction I want to be straight with you.  I didn’t lose. But I know it doesn’t matter at the end of the day whether I won or lost, I gambled. I have very little desire to gamble online and have no intention of doing so. With regard to bingo and land slots, I just don’t know. 
Got to go and prepare dinner. ?

You take care, T xx

Hey Captain,

How’s it going? Did it “Take your breath away?” ?

It’s been a beautiful day down here in Surrey. We’ve been out in the garden for a little while. I made my daughter a coffee cake - her favourite. She’s had a bug (caught off my grandson, who picked it up at nursery!) So I wanted to cheer her up. It did the trick. ? Then we ventured to bingo tonight.

Last night we started to watch The Adulterer. We managed to get halfway through then had fun and games because it wouldn’t load. Fortunately this evening it was ok so we managed to complete the first episode. I’m quite enjoying it so far. Although at times, (the s**y, passionate scenes) my mind does wonder as to whether or not it was like that during his affair ?

Like you, I cannot understand why us CG are the way we are. We know certain things will always end in tears but we still do it. I’m referring to you with your “random” bets and me with my online poison. I always say, I could win £2000 one day, but if the next I start to lose a hundred or two, I will chase, even though in that situation I’d still be in front £1800 over the two days. No matter how often I’d tell myself DON’T DO IT - I always would. Something takes control, takes me over. I am in no doubt it’s similar for you. Complete madness. I really feel for you and your situation. I love the atmosphere at bingo (it’s not what it was 20 years ago) but to me, well, it appeals. So I understand how you enjoy(ed) being in the bookies - especially on a good day. We always remember the good days don’t we? The great wins. The fantastic feeling. But we rarely remember the awful losses. That awful walk (or drive) of shame as I call it.

I’m not really interested in the tennis either. I flicked it on earlier, but soon flicked it off again! I used to love Andre Agassi - what female didn’t? He had character.

Well, I’ll bid you a goodnight! 
Speak soon,

T xx