Life or Death

Evening Michael,

I won't pretend to understand what you are going through. What I can say is I lost one of my parents under circumstances similar to suicide. The last thing your children would want is to mourn your death every year after Christmas. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, granted I know you think that you will always feel bad at this moment in time. The biggest mistake you could make is to continue digging yourself deeper with any negative thoughts/actions . Even the small steps you have taken today go towards a more positive future. Do it for your family until you have the strength to do for yourself. It does get better.

Hello Michael, life's tough at times, no doubt about that. If I told you that there are a lot of people like you who can't see a way out but surprisingly when those people get together and talk it somehow helps?

Gamblers Anonymous is full of people like that. Some have gotten to feeling like killing themselves, some have tried it and a lot of us have thought about it. Unfortunately a lot of us know those who won't be coming back through the doors.

We at GA would agree that your gambling is a symptom of a bigger problem, that problem being you and an inability to cope with your feelings. Me too. I can now though and I can help you with yours.

There are also other men's groups around the country who get together and talk. That seems to help the people I know who do that.

If you can put the gambling down I hope you'll see a bit of clarity in your life. It sounds like you have other issues like low self esteem, other financial problems and unemployment. So you have other things to sort out so putting gambling down will help with that. You do need to give it time though. In GA we ask you give us 90 days. Can you do that?

I remember not getting dressed, not going out, not seeing a way out and it is hard. But, and it is a capital But, the effort is worth it. You mention being a father. There's a reason right there. Is your pain greater than their grief would be? Mine wasn't, despite losing everything, and I made myself get up, get washed, put on clean clothes and find my purpose. A separate purpose from my kids. Thankfully I found mine, I hope you find yours.

Great start by sharing on here.

Chris.

Hello Michael,  I don’t reply to many posts, but when I see the word Suicide, I felt I should act. 

Please, please do not consider going down that route.  I lost my dear Mother to suicide and it has regrettably torn us apart.   We will never get the answers and the aftermath will live with me and my two sisters forever.  You don’t want want that your wife and children.

My gambling since that truly awful day has gotten considerably worse.  Today i carelessly lost 1k and feel sick and ashamed.   

But i need  you to realise the damage taking your life would do on your family and why its not the answer .

Please fight this feeling and bury it in a box .  You have done 1 day achievements, I know you can do a second day tomorrow .

Contact me any time if you need to just talk about anything.

stay strong.

You've got the chance of a fresh start without the stress of debt, treat that as a great positive... Look to better yourself..  Its a tough time for finding employment but u are young... Pick up a book and learn to better yourself you are young think of it as you've committed suicide one life is over and now for your second a fresh start.....bet that wash and shave felt good do that every morning mate....adam

Hi Agentdark, 

Yes whatever you do please never think suicide would be the answer you can put this behind you and live a life without gaMbling. You have family and that is more important.

Please talk to your partner or counselor. I pray you are okay and I have never met you and I understand and the pain you are feeling.

BEST WISHES

? 

Hi michael, please keep posting and maybe we can day by day give you some support , you still have hope otherwise you wouldn't be reaching out. I found this forum during my darkest hours and the help and support that I found helped me pull myself up. Mental health issues are complex like yourself I've suffered with anxiety/depression but now 5months gamble free I'm feeling better than I have for years. Keep reaching out and I hope like me that you can find a way. Your life is precious your low self esteem is clouding the way you see yourself, you are worth the effort . Do you walk your dog? I have my greatest moments of clarity when I'm out with my dogs. I know your thoughts are painful and intrusive and all consuming at the moment but time away from gambling will help your mind heal. I know you have a lot of difficult mental health issues but gambling has added to it massively. Continue the self care you've started be kind to yourself and I hope that slowly life will start to turn around for you

Michael
welcome to the forum, a place filled with like minded folk who won’t judge you, won’t criticise you, don’t care for what you appear like, they will all just want to offer support and unconditional help.

fella reading your thread was like ripping a page out of any day of my active life feeding addiction. I believed that suicide would be the best gift I could ever give to myself, my wife, children and anyone I had encountered in my life. In fact I would not be here today if the trains had  been running the day I set off to take my life, the trains that day were replaced by buses as the railway was having works done. The day, that day I didn’t think about the unanswered questions, I didn’t consider what a mess I would leave, I had had enough, I couldn’t continue to live with the turmoil, I couldn’t live with the shame I carried.

 I was arrested and sectioned and in truth I just told folk what they wanted to hear to regain my liberty, I carried on carrying my inner turmoil for another two years, this January I broke, I simply couldn’t live this way anymore.

 I walked back into My first GA room that week, I have attended at least two meetings a week since, I have spoken to my gp, anyone who meant something and I exposed myself to the world.

 I happily have my photograph here on my diary, I will happily share my name, Duncan Mac with the world, I will equally happily share my emotions 

I have suffered from depression, manic at times since I was a teenager, addiction, drugs, drink and gambling have been a part of my life since I was 14yrs old, I am 46 now, I have been sober in every form since 28/01/2020. I am beginning to understand why I have used addiction, I am working through the trauma of my childhood.

 I have been diagnosed with probable ADD,borderline personality disorder, depression and I can accept those things for what I am, I don’t want to use them as an excuse, I want to understand what they bring, ultimately I want to be the best version of myself.

Fella A much wiser fellow than me said said suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, no problem is unbeatable.

 I feel every word you wrote, I empathise with you, truly I do

I hope, genuinely hope that you can find a path, I hope that you find help, I hope that you accept the support. You like me and every addict I have had the privilege to meet have punished themselves enough. 

keep writing, do whatever you need to stay alive, recovery has a revolving door, I hope you are able to stay on the side that helps you.

if you want to talk I amongst many will listen without question.

look after yourself, be kind to yourself 

strength and honour 

Duncs 

Thanks everyone for your kind comments.  It does however seem as though this may not be the best way to vent my thoughts and feelings.

I have only posted twice yet forum admin have sensored my posts on both occasions.  It is idiotic not to expect people on a forum to say uncomfortable things at times.  If you won’t stop taping everybody’s mouth shut with your zealous interfering, I can’t see how keeping a diary on here can be of any benefit.

Any kind of therapy requires freedom for the patient to express themselves but this is seemingly lost on the administrators of this forum.

It’s a shame as I thought this may be a useful aid going forward.

I'm not sure what the admin are censoring but focus on the support you're getting.

It's like having a great roast dinner but saying you don't like the plate it's served on. Move on from the censorship, focus on the support. I don't think I'm missing any of your story to be able to identify with you.

Roll on tomorrow.

Chris.

Hi,

I'm afraid for you. Thought my problems were unique. I do hope you persevere, continue to reach out and everyone on here can help you navigate a safe passage. I wish I had an immediate solution but all I can tell you is suicide doesn't stop the pain, it merely passes it on to someone else. My thoughts are with you right now. 

Best Wishes & Stay Safe

AL

Sorry to hear you dont feel able to say how your feelings ..my post also got deleted..

I got told that how I was feeling could 'trigger other people..but if we just cover up these thoughts others might feel their going through the same alone. 

 just saying how your feeling should be allowed as long as you dont go into details on how u would act. 

I hope your feeling a bit better soon..keep reaching out and maybe try chat room if you havent already.

Keep strong

Loulou x

Hi I understand completely what you are saying Michael however it is what it is. Why not try a 2 tier approach which is what I do I log on here read and post every day and I attend a weekly GA meeting. For you you could continue to share on here gain valuable support also do a weekly GA meeting where in a GA room you can share more personal things it's very liberating actually saying out loud your fears and darkest thoughts takes the pressure off makes it less powerful. I'm sure this forum has strict guidelines which we might not always agree with but that's the same with nearly everything in life. Personally finding this forum when I was at my lowest point was a lifesaver and through advice and support from people on here who really do care I'm recovering and also found my local GA room. It's not just about support around addiction recovery it's friendship,camaraderie other compulsive gamblers know you before you start telling your story....it's very powerful...it works

Hello @agent-darkkn1ght,

Thank you for sharing your post and for being so honest about how you are feeling.

I am really sorry you are so low for quite a while now. It sounds like you have a lot of awareness around your mental health and the fact that gambling has been a way of coping with the severe social anxiety and the BDD. Unfortunately it isn’t uncommon that gambling becomes a crutch when we are really struggling mentally and emotionally. The gambling in turn exacerbates aforementioned mental health problems and so a downward spiral develops. Coming on here and posting and reaching out is a good way to curb and maybe even stop the spiral Michael.

You’ve mentioned being ‘medicated up to the gill’. Do you feel this medication is causing the apathy? Have you spoken to your GP about your medication recently? Maybe it is time for a review. In any case, it is crucial for your GP to know that you are feeling suicidal at the moment and you have some specific plans.

Recovery is possible Michael, for everyone in any situation at any time. But none of this happens overnight, change requires patience, focus and dedication. You also sometimes have to let people help you. Even if that help seems too overbearing and uncomfortable, like giving up access to your finances.  Taking some small steps every day will see your recovery progress and when you feel you’ve progressed in one area it will have a positive knock-on effect on your mental health.  

You know we are here 24/7, we will be here for you when you are ready to talk one-to-one and ready to take the help.

Keep posting and sharing Michael.

Regards

Dan

Forum Admin