Well here goes ... Day One
I'm aged 25 now and have been a compulsive gambler since I was 17, so basically my entire adult life. Over the past year however thanks to my incredibly supportive girlfriend I have managed to get my finances under control, I have payment plans in place for all of my debts and am still up to date with all of them.
After my last small relapse I managed 62 days GF and had genuinely never felt better. Unfortunately I realised that with all of the summer plans myself and my girlfriend had made I was stretching myself too far and was going to be short for a week or two with bills etc. Obviously the sensible thing to do would have been to talk to her and I know we would have sorted things out but I took the wrong option ... You guessed it.
Of course I have now lost said girlfriend and while I have had worse times gambling wise in terms of the positions I've got myself into, nothing compares to this. Losing her was the worst thing that's ever happened to me, after everything she did for me and all the help she gave me I just threw it all back in her face.
I've never done a diary or anything like this in the past so I'm hoping this can maybe make things a little bit easier as I know how hard it's going to be.
Please bear with me while I write this as there are details I want to include but will do so at the right times. I hope somebody will read these entries as I find it a lot easier to speak with "strangers" than people I know right now.
JW
Hi and welcome to the Forum,
sorry to hear about the spilt ive been there and i will say it gets easier with time. its nearly 3 years for me and i held out hope we would get back but we never did, im not saying you wont but a can guarentee you wont if you go back to gambling.
put as many blocks in place a you can, GamStop, GamBan, SE from all site and bookies and casinos. Hand over your finance to some you can trust to help you, get external support for Gamcare via the councelling service they offer or/and GA. if you need help with debts call StepChange they over good adivse and support. finnally keep sharing on here with likeminded people and read other peoples diaries they do help. i wish you all the best im not here as much as i do but do pop by and will keep an eye out for how you are doing.
KTF
Day 2
Thanks for your reply Oldhamktf it's a nice feeling just seeing that someone has taken the time to read what I've written. If I'm honest I spent a lot of yesterday on here reading so many different posts and stories from people and I related to so much of it. It really helped to put things into perspective for me.
I also signed up to GamStop yesterday and have spoken to someone about organising some counselling sessions which I must admit am quite nervous about. Off to view a flat this morning which I'm excited about as I've never lived on my own before, I know that will be quite a challenge but it's one I think I'm ready for at this stage.
JW
hi jw,
all the best with your recovery. it does put things into perspective reading other diaries. makes you realise there are others trying to get to them same goal.
posting on here is a lot easier due to the anonymity. lots of genuine people too, many doing this for a lot longer than I have.
sorry to hear about the girlfriend, adds to an already tough situation. but tomorrow will be better than today, keep racking up those gamble free days.
keep going!
A
Day 3
Thanks A! I must admit you are right the anonymity makes me feel so much more confident to write about what I think and feel. Filled my time yesterday by reading Joey Barton's autobiography. He's one of my favourite footballers and despite having his book for 2 years or so I'd never actually finished it, yet yesterday I read the whole thing from start to finish.
I've also found myself religiously logging into here and reading anything new anyone has posted, it's really helping.
Today was my first day back at work in almost 4 weeks after the summer shutdown and I actually enjoyed it for a change, the shift flew over!
I've still been talking to my ex girlfriend every day and she does still very much care for me. I think deep down we're both just hoping for that miracle recovery and for everything to be able to go back to normal but in reality we both know that probably can't happen. I am still dreaming that maybe one day we can have the future together we talked about but I need to remember that's certainly not guaranteed just by giving up gambling for good. I know she's struggling quite badly with everything that's happened so I'm going to be there for her as much as I can, whilst continuing on this journey alone for now, remembering I'm doing it for myself only first and foremost.
I may only be at day 3 but everything feels so different this time, I am absolutely convinced that I am finished for good and can't wait to see the days tick by.
JW
Day 4
Well had some great news today in that I've got the flat I went to see the other day. Have been a bit worried about it as they had to carry out a credit check and obviously my credit score is pretty terrible, but they've looked past that and given me a chance. Definitely something to add to the list of motivations.
Also went to watch a kids football training session tonight. I've been asked if I want to coach them this season and have said yes. I feel like I've really neglected being involved in football these last couple of years but am looking forward to getting back into it.
Bring on day 5 and a GF weekend!
JW
Day 5
Long hard day at work today. Sitting with a cold beer watching the football.
Feeling good
JW
Day 7
1 week down. Been here before and know there is such a long way to go but I'm convinced this is going to be the last time in my life I'm on day 7.
It is 8:30 on Sunday morning and I still don't know any of the football scores from yesterday, I've recorded match of the day and am about to watch it now. I've never done that since I was about 12 years old I would have been checking the scores every other minute in the past, this feels so much better.
jw,
congrats on 7 days, surprising how quick the days go by.
hope you enjoyed MOTD, it's great watching the footy for the fun of it.
all the best for your recovery mate.
A
Day 8
Thanks A,
Thoroughly enjoyed it, probably more than I can ever remember if I'm honest. Might avoid the scores more often from now on.
Nightshift tonight, hate the start of this week as after a weekend off it's a long Monday waiting to go to work and while I haven't had any thoughts about gambling, I've had plenty of time to think about everything else and it's left me feeling a little down.
Currently watching the cricket and that's doing a pretty poor job of cheering me up seeing as though England are getting battered. Still though it could be worse and I could be sitting here desperate for a wicket or needing over 4.5 runs from an over, definitely enjoying watching sport so much more watching it for what it is.
JW
Day 9
Thanks Reminder!
Last nigthshift tonight then a few days off until I'm back in on Saturday.
JW
Well done for a good start I'm on similar gamble free days lets do this for ourselves for our pride our self esteem for our families and friends because to continue would be devastating. Here we go day nine for me, adam
​
Day 10
Thanks Adam, couldn't agree more with you let's smash this together!
Happy to be into double figures now, not a huge achievement but it's certainly a start
JW
Day 12
Took football training at my new team by myself for the first time last night and loved every second of it. I genuinely can't remember the last time I felt like that it was amazing. Already looking forward to next week.
My best mate came along to watch as well and we went for a few pints afterwards. He knows everything that's went on but has this knack of saying just the right amount when he knows I don't feel like talking. Last day off work today and going out for tea with my parents later before a weekend of work.
I got paid again yesterday (I get paid weekly) and even though I had a decent amount of money spare this week I didn't even think about gambling as I know that if I don't hold onto this money I won't be able to move into my flat in a couple of weeks time.
Almost at the 2 week mark now, another small milestone to be proud of.
JW
I've just finished reading Allen Carr's book 'The easy way to stop gambling' and if I'm being honest my mind has been completely blown.
I guess I'm quite a sceptical person and the thought of a book being able to fix my problems was just laughable to me in all honesty. But this book has changed everything, my thought process could not be any different to what it was and I have never felt as much confidence as I do right now when I write here that I know more than anything that I will never gamble again.
I would definitely recommend this book, i'm not saying it's going to have the same impact on everyone else but my goodness it has had a massive one on me.
JW
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