Sorry in advance if this lengthy post, and thanks to anyone that took time to read it ,thank you so much.
So well where do i start.A work colleague introduced me to sports betting back in 2012 ,worse thing ever never really thought about gambling before then.I take full responsibility for what happened since, all my doing but wish so much never found out about gambling online was never in my mind before this.I was also never obsessed with money and making before this , was happy and grateful for what had .Unfortunately my mind is now so rewired and messed up by gambling now.I actually went from 2014 to 2019 with no gambling.But then got into complaceny and got smartphone and bank account , it was too easy.From then on usual story the gambling amount got worse and more, no debt but stole daughters savings which so ashamed of.What got me last year was roulette that was killer.
But today is a new day , if reached out to get rereferred to beacon and been attending ga meeting face to face weekly the last month , realise need go every week.I dont think i firstly accepted previously the gravity of where this can take you and what it can do , despite many warnings and also i wasnt ready to accept i had a serious gambling problem and a compulsive gambler.Worst thing was big win back in 2012 wish lost at first rather then last year , god knows how bad be if not had those 4 years or so clean.Managed first 4 years of my daughters life not gambling , determined to not let it affect her or my wife anymore and get all help can to find myself and fight this.
My name is john and i a compulsive gambler.So just for today i wont gamble and determined to put wife and daughter first and try to improve there lives and make them happy as possible.Sick of being a sorry excuse for a man it torments me every day but cant let it beat me , they need me and the old john who happy with what had not money obsessed.They deserve that person back and i deserve to be that person ,im not bad just ill and need help badly i will take all can get.In last 8 years on and off realise this lifetime , constant struggle.
I might be afflicted with this monster but it doesnt have to define me or control me or my thoughts anymore, you are all brave and asking and getting help and showing weakness is actually massive sign of strength.Again thanks to anyone that read this means a lot in such a low place, stay safe.
Welcome to the diaries John.
Wishing you every success in stopping gambling and getting your life back.
You can do this as you proved by stopping for 4 years. That would have taken a lot of courage and determination on your part.
One day you will look back at this time in your life and be relieved that you stopped gambling before it destroyed you completely.
Respect to you for setting out on this journey of recovery which will hopefully be a great adventure.
Aum.
Thanks aum means lot your reply and positivity , yes agree proud stopped for those four years.That was first 4 of daughters life just imagine how much missed out on and the greater impact including financially if not stopped for that time.So although feel very bad about relapse ,last year or so agree glad not completely destroyed me.I think i needed a loss and real dose of reality to actually firstly stop and secondly accept have serious problem.Unbeilevably lasyt year was first time experienced loss , always won before.Although as many say , that worst thing back in 2013 big win wish lost then . Thanks again for kind comments , doing great aum too.
So this first proper entry into diary apart from initial.Where to start?.Firstly positive no thoughts or temptation to gamble whatsoever. The negative is my daily mood swings and self loathing , thoughts about what lost why didnt i just think logically like normally etc, could have spent that money on so many other useful things such as house repairs and other things that been putting off.But even though feel terrible and negative and suicidal most days.
Am trying to think what was a doing right those 4 years off gambling.Well i was running and physically active quite it of it , even ran london marathon.Also was working , again due to gambling and trading last year and not functioning i went off ill and lost job due to ill health.I have numerous long term mental health issues , so gambling just exacberated these and obviously made things worse.A side thought is often poor mental health can cause gambling and in same sense gambling obviously makes existing mental health problems worse.Guess for some poss no mental health problems but then by gambling they are landed with exactly this.Although always aware linked , last year has reminded me.
Although try not to self punish and constant thoughts about loss and what can do with money and constant worry expecially with no job now.The loss along with wife and daughter and fact know would lead to suicide these three things stopping me from wanting to remotely gamble , so guess positive.Thanks to anyone that kindly read my diary as alway, hope my name helps with your battle.I do realise there are others worse off with debt lost loved ones , suicide attempt etc , but right now that thinking doesnt help either.Just got to fight though it accept bad days and that next day might be better , and go back to what worked for me and reset.Have to say losing money although bad now , could be my saviour its seriously stopped and put me off ever wanting to gamble again, so that keeping that thought along with what did right to keep me off all that time last time could be good combination.Stay safe everyone , we can do it.
respect to you all
ciak
Hello John,
Well done to you for starting a diary here, and thanks for all the great peer support you are sharing on the forum.
It is good that you are intent on taking good care of your emotional well-being and mental health, and hopefully using GamCare services in support of your recovery from problem gambling will be beneficial too. I saw on another one of your posts that you are aiming to get back into treatment. If you'd like us to facilitate a referral to one of our treatment services, we can do that for you over our 24 hour freephone 0808 8020 133 or netline. We are here on the freephone and netline whenever you feel like a chat or whenever you need information or advice or support.
In another post you have mentioned suicidal thoughts, so I should mention that in addition to using our support, you might also like to talk with your GP about your suicidal thoughts, in case they can discuss with you some ways that they might be able to support your mental health too. Another resource could be the Samaritans https://www.samaritans.org/
Take care,
Adam.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
