It's time for me to keep a journal

Attended a great GA meeting online, a local group that i've never been to in person. I will attend another one tonight in London, if they will have me there.
Heard some words of wisdom from a guy who hasn't been "in action" in 30+ years. What he, and everyone else said really hit me hard. I have to work to maintain that feeling, that connection to this part of my life that I can not start to downplay again. I will ramp up my attendance of meetings as there is plenty of opportunity to do so.

One bit of advice was to write down 5 things every day that you do not miss about gambling, so from this day forward, this will be a part of this journal:

1. I don't miss being secretive with my loved ones, I don't want to be some dodgy, manipulative chancer to anyone, let alone those who I care about most

2. I don't miss the full bodily and mental stresses that come with waiting on the result of a bet, or losing all of my money for the 100th time etc.

3. I don't miss the feeling of hopelessness

4. I don't miss having a bank balance of zero. As I just furthered this cycle by relapsing and I am in this same position right now, I know how S****y it feels. But it's not a feeling of needing to gamble more, it's the feeling that i'm ruining my life and that the damage i've already done may not be repairable. Though I have to accept the things I cannot change, have the change the things I can and have the wisdom to know the difference.

5. I don't miss the lack of sleep that I would have when I stayed up until 5 am etc betting on things I have no actual expertise in. Which is any sport, any game of chance. I havent developed a "gambling skill" I am just a mug punter gambling addict that will have to pick themselves up. What am I waiting for? I'm not waiting any more.

I am reading too much into my girlfriends social media interactions with other guys, I have to acknowledge that we are on a break but i've never had that in a relationship before. THIS is how raw it feels to have her just call me by my first name rather than some kind of pet name. But i'm not a child. I am a grown man, and I don't have to be overly sensitive. I don't have to put those fears onto her, I just need to do what I know I need. Work out, study, do basic household chores, things that I don't want to do. Every day, to do something. To work hard and then SOMETIMES reward myself, with things that are not destructive. What I can't do is forget all of the reasons behind my partner needing to distance herself. The real implications of my actions. Her friends opinions of me are not incorrect in this moment, and it's not a case of me trying to convince her that the difference is an  overnight, immediate, total lifestyle change. I have to BE those changes, own my s**t as it were. What I must do is make consistent, sustained progress, day by day, and instill the self improvement that was not there before. FOCUSING on not gambling for a day at a time. Work on actively, consciously, being fully committed to my recovery and to being a mature, responsible, thoughtful man. I'm not dead inside, I have so much passion.
Today, I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will do something that would appall be if I thought I had to keep it up for a lifetime (I dont feel appalled at the prospect currently, it's easy to say as I genuinely despise gambling and the feelings it brings me, I will make the time think about that every day).

Just for today, I will not gamble.

Unity
All is love

I have come to alot of realisations over the past couple of days. Part of me tries to trash that hard work by saying that I should already have known these things, but I must simply persevere with planning out my days, throwing myself into GA meetings with gusto and reaping the rewards as a result. Or even just work hard and do selfless things as the right thing to do, something i've always believed in as a concept but never applied to my own life. The same with alot of these principles, I must act and not simply talk about these things but keep them at arms length, giving me convenient excuses to not do anything. I am sick of not doing anything at all. I feel tired today, physically, but I have literally only just woken up. Worked out a little for the first time since I was with my partner in January. I cleaned my shitehole of a room, washed the dishes, did a load of washing and dried it, I made a journal entry, I tried to expand on things that I can add to my daily routine, to my plans, to immerse myself in the reality of my situation and act on the things that must be done. I cherry picked what constituted my recovery. My recovery is what I make it.

I attended a zoom meeting for a group that is usually an hour away from me. I was enthusiastic about it beforehand, and then as I got closer and closer, self doubt crept in. Right up to the crucial moment, I kept thinking "well I did alot already this week, this doesnt seem like it's going to be helpful, I might not be welcome here" and so on. After a couple of minutes they started to file in, including a man that has not gambled in 46 years, chairs multiple meetings a week in the area and just... was so passionate about his story (which I have yet to hear), was direct in what I now see as a very healthy, necessary way. He told me that this is not a rehearsal, and not to waste my life. This was the largest GA meeting online or in person that I have ever attended, with 30 people. 20 people shared. Every share hit me hard. Some people had been off 4 years but gambled for 50+ beforehand. For some, it was their first meeting ever, with some very raw therapies being had. There are groups meeting every single day and I simply can not put up barriers and make excuses for not putting my everything into this. The same applies to other aspects of my life. I don't change my situation by doing nothing. I CAN be so much happier than just a baseline level of acceptance without real fulfilment. I am deeply in love, but I am increasingly accepting of that fact, that who I was would never have been tenable as a partner. With complete inaction/bone idleness, I will still be that person.
I've stopped seeing this as a way to get my partner back. We are on a break, and i'm getting better at handling feelings of jealousy, ensuring that I stop dwelling on it in a selfish light. If she can never get those feelings back, the trust back, despite all of the changes that I will be making myself, that is something that I must accept. I will focus on self improvement in a very real, broken down, direct way, and she may know it, or she may not. I'll never not love her, I hurt her so much. It stops.

One day at a time
In Unity,
Charlie

Couldnt edit my post so here it is with some additions:

I have come to alot of realisations over the past couple of days. Part of me tries to trash that hard work by saying that I should already have known these things, but I must simply persevere with planning out my days, throwing myself into GA meetings with gusto and reaping the rewards as a result. Or even just work hard and do selfless things as the right thing to do, something i've always believed in as a concept but never applied to my own life. The same with alot of these principles, I must act and not simply talk about these things but keep them at arms length, giving me convenient excuses to not do anything. I am sick of not doing anything at all. I feel tired today, physically, but I have literally only just woken up. Worked out a little for the first time since I was with my partner in January. I cleaned my shitehole of a room, washed the dishes, did a load of washing and dried it, I made a journal entry, I tried to expand on things that I can add to my daily routine, to my plans, to immerse myself in the reality of my situation and act on the things that must be done. I cherry picked what constituted my recovery. My recovery is what I make it.

I attended a zoom meeting for a group that is usually an hour away from me. I was enthusiastic about it beforehand, and then as I got closer and closer, self doubt crept in. Right up to the crucial moment, I kept thinking "well I did alot already this week, this doesnt seem like it's going to be helpful, I might not be welcome here" and so on. After a couple of minutes they started to file in, including a man that has not gambled in 46 years, chairs multiple meetings a week in the area and just... was so passionate about his story (which I have yet to hear), was direct in what I now see as a very healthy, necessary way. He told me that this is not a rehearsal, and not to waste my life. This was the largest GA meeting online or in person that I have ever attended, with 30 people. 20 people shared. Every share hit me hard. Some people had been off 4 years but gambled for 50+ beforehand. For some, it was their first meeting ever, with some very raw therapies being had. There are groups meeting every single day and I simply can not put up barriers and make excuses for not putting my everything into this. The same applies to other aspects of my life. I don't change my situation by doing nothing. I CAN be so much happier than just a baseline level of acceptance without real fulfilment. I am deeply in love, but I am increasingly accepting of that fact, that who I was would never have been tenable as a partner. With complete inaction/bone idleness, I will still be that person.
I've stopped seeing this as a way to get my partner back. We are on a break, and i'm getting better at handling feelings of jealousy, ensuring that I stop dwelling on it in a selfish light. If she can never get those feelings back, the trust back, despite all of the changes that I will be making myself, that is something that I must accept. I will focus on self improvement in a very real, broken down, direct way, and she may know it, or she may not. I'll never not love her, I hurt her so much. It stops.

I almost forgot, 5 things that I DO NOT miss about gambling:

1. Being in social interactions with friends and family and giving them less than 1% of my attention, feels so S****y
2. Looking into the eyes of my loved ones and telling them direct lies, simply to avoid reaching out to people or getting any help
3. Sitting in the bookies judging people, having 10p left in my pocket and putting that on a long shot bet in the hope of clawing it back. I remember the same feelings of expectation were present, whether I had bets on at 5000x higher stakes at odds of 1/2 etc. The thought processes of a compulsive, powerless gambling addict.
4. Desperately trying to apply for loans every single time rather than just talk to someone of my own volition early on. I had no defenses, I viewed myself so much in the wrong way.
5. The moments of desperation that made me feel that I had to end my life to get away from it all, or run away to london with money (to essentially become a homeless professional gambler, frightening to think that I would ever think so little of myself) that would ruin my fathers business at the time, but really not get me by for any length of time at all.

All is love,
One day at a time,
In Unity,
Charlie

Yesterday was amazing, I will endeavour to put another journal entry on in the evenings too.
Made my list of daily tasks, including engaging with the recovery community, writing my journal entry in the morning here. I worked out a little bit, something I can do at home now as I have the floor space. I was living in a disgusting hole, but it was so easily cleaned up with a little determination to do something for myself, to be the person that I would always have needed to strive to be. Tackling this addiction as well as related problems with a lack of self love, maturity and so on.. it really does take hard work, diligent effort. I felt so much better as a result though. I hadn't written off my partner noticing changes in me, but I was at least focusing on working on myself while she needed space. I have to continue doing the same small tasks on a day to day basis, not get ahead of myself, maintain this structure in my life, and learn that I can revisit those tasks in the day but it's about the general motivation to tackle those problems that is the key difference. And by problems I mean something as simple as taking a shower every day, tidying up, not letting a mountain of empty drink cans pile up. One thing leads to another for me and then I simply throw my hands up and say that it is hopeless. I think that i've been in a funk for 10+ years on and off, but only saw it as a problem with gambling, and part of me must have felt that only tackling the gambling part was important. I acknowledged through GA meetings that it is about a lack of maturity for me as well, but I still didnt do anything to change that.

Someone from GA who I trust reached out to ask how I am. I blew up his phone with message after message, it really is helpful to pour out everything, and I think ultimately it's a big indicator of how i'm feeling as a person.

Doing the smallest things for yourself can seem miraculous after a lifetime of doing next to nothing.

My lovely partner contacted me, I immediately started talking about everything i've been doing. I know that my language is so important, but i'm really not putting anything on just to impress people, i'm genuinely feeling the difference from small but consistent, positive changes to my daily routine, and engaging with the program. I will most definitely get a sponsor and do the 12 steps once the GA rooms are back open, or will at least make more connections so that I can ensure that I find the right person. I have one person in mind but it depends on their availability as well of course. No, an hour and a half a week on that is not in any way too much time, it will be tough but overwhelmingly positive for me to do it.

5 things I don't miss about gambling:

1. The loneliness, the vast majority of my gambling was done in secret, I didnt really share the highs or the lows with anyone, only the full weight of f***g up when I would tell family members, and that wasn't off my own back.
2. Some of the characters in the betting shops, the places are f*****g miserable for the most part. People hammering on the machines, and i'm sat there watching people walk in with wads of cash from the cash point around the corner, and then feed them all into a fobt, start hitting the thing, then walk out, come back in with another wad of money. And I knew that was desperate, but I still sat there judging them when I was completely and totally capable of doing the same thing with my preferred sports betting machines, or online.. I seem to have preferred the forms that meant I didnt have to interact with anyone.
3. Some of the loneliest times were pretending to go to GA and sitting in the bookies spending my last pennies, and then just walking around town, sitting on park benches, sometimes drinking alone. Absolutely horrible to put myself through all of this s**t. I dont prefer being so isolated, hermetic, it isn't just a personal preference. I've been seriously depressed and not acknowledged it (well sometimes, not everything is a constant feeling).
4.  I dont miss selling my hard earned, treasured possessions (nice Marshall amp, nice bass amps). How much can I say I treasure anything, or anyone, if I allow myself to put gambling first? I want happiness so much more than I want the weird feeling of stressed anticipation that gambling fills me with.
5. I don't miss those intense feelings of regret after frittering all of my heard earned money away, and then not calling or speaking to anyone early on of my own volition.

I've applied for the CCBT course available through Gamcare, and though I feel positive about the changes I have made, I need to keep it simple, be humble, and give things a try if I feel apprehensive. Consider them, not rush into them, but give them a try (constructive things).
Just for today, I will not gamble. 

All is love,
In unity,

-Charlie

Dear Charlie,

Your hard work is paying off and I agree that keeping on top of things is really helpful. I am so pleased to hear that others have reached out and you have been able to make some good friendships through meeting people at GA.

I also agree that it can be the small positive things that can have such an impact.

Well done for pushing your boundaries, I am sure that you will find the CCBT  really beneficial and that you will be able to transfer the knowledge from the course into your recovery.

Congratulations, you are doing so well. Keep posting and sharing.

Kind regards

Jo

Forum admin

Thank you Jo, wasn't sure that anyone would read my rambling streams of consciousness. It really means alot.

Yesterday was a good day, I made my journal entry, I worked out a little and fed the dogs. Maybe it didn't feel like the other days, but my partner wanted to spend time with me, and I with her. So it was not wasted time. I said my prayers in the morning. I just remembered, someone who left my regular local GA meeting that has since moved away, had been made aware (possibly he was in another online zoom meeting I attended) that I fell off, and he reached out to me to ask how I was. I told him about the changes I have been making, how I will be engaging more with the program, the steps. I don't believe I had registered for the CCBT course at that point, but I will be attending 3 meetings online next week at least so will share with everyone what i've been doing and how i'm feeling.

This morning I woke, my partner called me 30 seconds later (we are in a long distance relationship). I immediately felt some pressure to do something constructive rather than see her. The chair of one of the meetings this week had said that as gambling addicts we tend to want everything done there and then, if something has to be done, we feel that it has to be immediate. But my girlfriend lives 7 hours behind, we watched some things on youtube etc that we like to watch, had a really enjoyable time with her, and now i'm free to put some work in around the house, work out, read some journals on here, do some studying for my uni work, and so on. Even though it was 2 days ago, I didn't really think that the impatience applied to me, because I didnt do anything much. I can now recognise that as something true of myself as well, and be considerate and measured in my approach to ordering my day around and consider how other people fit into it. I'm feeling very positive still, having had that fairly negative thought, and then thinking about it rather than letting it affect my mood without considering why I feel that way, and if it's really the only way that I can view the situation.

5 things I dont miss about gambling:

1. I don't miss having bets placed on sporting events that I wanted to watch and enjoy. I would never be thinking about the gambling at that time.

2. I don't miss being up at 5 am betting on things I had no expertise in whatsoever (which I can extend to all forms of gambling, this isn't some kind of skill that i've developed. I was never successful in my gambling, nor would I ever be).

3. I don't miss running to the bookies from work, using up the 20 minutes of break (outside of lunches) to run and place all of the bets that I had planned out that morning instead of doing my job, then having 20 betting slips stuffed into my pockets and being obsessed enough to keep checking them at work.

4. I don't miss checking my phone every 30 seconds, staring intently at the betting app, waiting for the animation of a goal to appear. I remember the spike of overwhelming excitement that I would get whenever it would happen.

5. I don't miss feeling like gambling was always an option, that it is always possible to easily spin a small amount of money into a larger one, allowing myself to accept the "positive" outcomes and completely disregard the negative ones. It seems like this is a true representation of addiction. I realise that it has all caused me extremes of pain, negativity, but also elation, joy, but only for a fleeting moment of both. I would slip back into mindlessness.

I will take things slowly, day by day. Perspective is so very strange to consider. All changes have to start somewhere. Looking forward to hopefully hearing about the CCBT course. I should not listen to self doubt telling me that maybe it is not right for me, that i'm not the right candidate. Even if it re-inforces most of the things I have been saying lately about changing my situation, maintaining positivity, that can only be a good thing. I should just listen, and put my all into it.

All is love,

In unity,

-Charlie

I’ve just been reading through Charlie and resonate with a lot of things said. Well done on writing it all down.

I’m tempted myself to write a dairy but seeking advice first which I might pop up in a thread

Hi Charlie,

Just checking in to say I appreciated your message on my thread and very much wish you the best with your recovery. Really impressed with your dedication to GA. 

We sound in very similar situations, and it sounds like you are based in London? When this lockdown is over I think I might like to start attending GA too so will follow your journey closely.

Best,

Tryagain

Thanks try, it's hard to know if i'm overstepping the mark when offering others my story/situation with their recovery in mind, but I know it helps when others do the same for me. So i'm likely overthinking it a little bit.

I saw you offering support to others on here as well since you opened that thread, and it was really good to see.

Yesterday was good. I may switch to writing things in the evening so that it's fresher in my mind. I had a good day, washed up, played with the dogs, worked out, wrote my journal entry on here. Listened to some recordings of GA therapies that people have shared from the LA zoom meetings. Spent time on Skype with my partner, watched some videos and laughed together, had a really nice evening. Then this morning, she calls me to wake me up again so we can spend time together, I tell her I just need to grab a drink. She says her a sec because she got super emotional. I ask her what about, and she said she feels very single for the first time in her life, which is forcing her to confront a lot about herself. She is unhappy, doesn't have a lot of hope in me anymore.
All of this is so understandable a perspective. I realise more than ever how much I love her and what I stand to lose/never be able to gain if I continue to gamble. I know that she probably needs to distance herself more from me, but is finding it hard to do so. But I wont put words in her mouth. I think things like asking me to wish her mum a happy mothers day probably dont help as it's such a sensitive time, it's so much pressure for her to deal with continuing to invest in something, someone, that she thinks might blow up in her face and cause her so much pain again. I'll continue to see her pretty much when she wishes. She says she is not as comforted by my presence anymore, which is sad, but it's been just over 6 days since my last bet, and the same since she forced me to reveal that something was wrong again. I really need to deeply consider that huge problem I have with feeling like I cant communicate things early on. That my addiction will try to stop me from saying anything to anyone. I have to fight that, by talking about it frequently and thinking about it.

5 things I don't miss about gambling:

1. The headaches I get whenever it comes out that i've been gambling, the crushing realisation of what i'm doing to myself and the people around me that I love.
2. The loneliness. I should fight my tendency to want to be alone, because (just a theory) I might be a little bit addicted to it? Part of my addiction? Not sure.
3. I don't miss how it ruins the capacity for anyone to trust me or have faith that I will do what I say, and therefore they can only know afterwards, and wont feel good the whole time before.
4. I don't miss those lowest points in my life, like laying down in a literal ditch next to a golf course, under a bush, wanting to just die there, because i'd ran away and was so desperate to not feel the pain of it all any more, but also didn't see another way.

5. I don't miss wasting so much time gambling, and wasting so much money, for which I had to put in the time at work, being miserable about it.

My partner may never forgive me. I need to step back a bit, but she may take it as a weakening interest, she might demand more from me when I know I need to be a little bit less desperate about it and more pragmatic. I don't want her to be my focus, but she must want to be because i've hurt her so much and so recently. It's difficult to consider. All of these things can be true at once. Doing press ups is helping me, I can channel frustration into a physical release. I dont feel like hitting things, I have always regretted that in the past (smashing my laptop, breaking my guitar). Just pushing myself off the ground makes me feel good.

Just for today, I will not gamble.

All is love,

In Unity,

-Charlie

Feeling a bit deflated today. Had an ok day yesterday. I worked out, something i'm really feeling the benefit of. I didn't do so much around the house, which in part is due to everyone keeping on top of it. But it's an ongoing process so I shouldn't feel too bad about it. There will be more to do, to chip in with, before long.
Completed the first module of the CBT course through GC and I thought it was really good, posed some questions about my gambling habits and asked to list the positives and negatives of various aspects, and then it posed the same questions to me in different ways to get me to gain a different perspective on what I can do. Very interested to continue with it and see what the rest is all about.

I attended the zoom meeting for my nearest GA group, one that I attend in person the most. It was a little difficult to speak, I suppose I felt some guilt when talking to people who have invested their time and emotions in trying to help me in the past. Similar to how I felt about my family. My instincts kept telling me that it was because i'd spoken so much lately and therefore I was "too tired" to speak. This is the kind of apathetic voice inside my head that I need to recognise and put up some resistance to.

I haven't been working on my uni assignments and it needs to be a focus at the moment along with the rest of this stuff. I put it on my daily list but rarely check it off, making me think it's one of the things i'm putting off most. I need to tackle it.

After my meeting I was just sending messages back and forth with my partner and then she said i'm going for a shower, I probably wont see you for the next 3 days as i'll be working on my capstone project. I told her that it was fine, thanked her for letting me know. Which is true, it allows me to manage my time more effectively.
Then she said "she's giving me too much of herself at the moment" based on what i've recently told her.

She may be correct, but I felt resentful of it initially. While im writing this she messaged me again this morning and told me about her night, how she'd had to clean up her paralytic roommates vomit and pick her up off the bathroom floor. So I talked about it a little with her, but I was still writing this, so she said "if you dont want to talk its fine". So she's both needing conversation with me but also needing to distance from me. It is understandable, but it hurts. I've hurt her though through gambling so I need to just talk about it away from her with others, and reflect on why I feel that way, and if i'm being reasonable. Really reasonable. I will save this for now and update again later with my 5 things I dont miss about gambling.

So I didnt update yesterday at all. I've not gambled, but my routine was changed around because my girlfriend wanted to spend time together (as did I). But it hasnt been great for me, im feeling unmotivated again, still working out every day but not as keen to get my journal entry in and write at length. I feel like I need more distance from her, but i'm also being more loving, attentive, enthusiastic about what she is saying, plus she's busy at other times. I can't keep making excuses. I havent followed my daily checklists, I have missed 2 GA meetings. I have to get back on track, starting with some deep consideration now, and then my checklist tomorrow including uni work, more housework, put clothes away, work out, and so on.

I dont miss about gambling:

1. Sitting on the cold concrete outside the train station or a shop doorway in london because my gambling has put me there

2. Getting mugged because I went somewhere stupid and trusted a complete stranger, because of gambling

3. My girlfriend crying like never before and pushing me away because of my gambling.

4. Being so alone because I never did it with anyone else

5. Feeding my hard earned money into machines and never getting it back.

I have not gambled since 04/05/2020, and today I did not gamble. I will continue to take it one day at a time. I did complete the CBT module 1 on here so I will continue to update with my progress on that.

All is love,

In unity,

-Charlie

It's very difficult to contend with the fact that both me and my partner are taking a break, finding it difficult to be apart, wanting to be together as much as ever, and that she still needs to hurt me over it.
I do accept it, but it still hurts. Realistically I think she needs to distance herself from me more. I wish I could better communicate how it is not helping me for her to want to be intimate and talk like nothing happened, and then to tell me that I dont deserve her, she wasnt the one that "did it". She says she can stop talking to me if it's too confusing. Earlier on I was allowing her more space and genuinely focusing on me, and she seemed to want to talk more than ever. She says her talking to me is simply her being weak, not knowing how to be single, wanting everything to continue as normal because it's too much for her to deal with at this time in her life with everything else going on. She says she "gives in" talking to me every day, but thats giving in to herself, not pressure from me for us to talk. And yet I love talking with her, it feels like the best times of our relationship when we have talked. This is so f*****g hard.