Hi everyone.
I'm a Brit living in Austria. Age 39. First bet, I can't be sure, but circa 2002. So pretty much half of my life.
During that time I've racked up debt from credit cards, loans, payday loans and family.
Gambling's always been there - on and off, throughout the past two decades and now it's time to fix it once and for all.
More of all that to come.
But the reason I'm here and I'm starting this is because for the first time I am about to lose something for the first time. I've been lucky to have my family there for me always. I appreciate not everyone has that. However, my girlfriend does not deserve to have a gambler in her midst, a liar. A cheat.
So my last bet was the morning of 26 June. My girlfriend - who I told about my past - sensed something was up and I had no option but to come clean and admit to her I had been gambling again. In doing so, I admitted i had been lying to her. Of course I'm not betting anymore, I'd say.
I've always been better with the written word, so I'll endeavour to chronicle all of my thoughts here, perhaps every day. It only seems right.
If there's anything you want to know about me and my gambling, let me know. I'll try and do things chronologically but I'm in a trance and I don't think I'll be able to methodically do that. Who knows.
Numbers in my head
Been officially seven whole days without a bet. It doesn't seem a lot.
Seven.
7.
I'd always place so much on a number, or series of numbers. I really don't know why.
Eventually my problem has come down to greed. I have read and watched a lot recently that gamblers never know when to stop. Give them all the money in the world and they will still never be happy. That's the case for me.
I lost the sense of money.
I wasn't chasing any particular amount. I don't have debts anymore. I was just being greedy. I lost the value of money. I wasn't spending it on anything. And over the years I haven't spent it on anything. I guess that's the true for many of us, right? All this money, all this stress, all this elation of winning... but what do we do? We spend it on more betting. More stress, just to try and feel that euphoria that only a winning bet can muster.
The numbers in my head will always grate me. I never felt anything was adequate. But in reality, given the fact I would never spend my money on anything particular substantial, I didn't need it anyway.
Eventually the balance is 0.
And we go again.
You know it ends. It always does.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
