How did I feel day one in recovery

Hi

Every time I went back to my addictions or my obsessions was an emotional trigger I could understand more about.

My addictions and my obsessions was the symptoms I was emotionally vulnerable.

In my experience when people say that when I am emotionally vulnerable and gambled was just excuses.

Not so for me I understand that I escaped to my addictions or my obsessions indicated to me that I was escaping or deviating facing people life and situations I felt that I could not cope with.

My emotional triggers were my pains not healed, my fears not faced, they were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy, and my feelings of boredom.

Every time I escaped to my addictions and my obsessions meant I was giving up all faith and all hope in myself.

Every time I said to myself oh who cares anyway I was giving up all faith and all hope in myself.

On walking in to the recovery program could I explain or articulate my feelings and my emotions to myself or anyone else.

Being honest could I be honest to myself.

If just before walking in to the spiritual recovery program some one gave me money would I have gone in to that first meeting.

I am a non religious person, would the recovery program work for me.

My success in my recovery is all up to me working hard on my recovery and being with healthy like minded people.

The spiritual recovery program is a manual to finding a healthy life without not having my addictions and with out having obsessions.

The twenty questions were very clear to read yet how long for me to get honest with my answers.

On walking in to the recovery program I was not an evil person, I was not a stupid person, yet might have been very ignorant and inept.

Before walking in to the recovery program I had suffered so many pains in my life and those pains cased fears in me that I did not fully understand.

Could I admit to myself I was so nervous and scared walking in to that very first meeting.

That I feared the telephone ringing, that I feared the post arriving, that I feared being honest, that I feared strangers coming to the front door, that I feared opening up letters, that I feared people asking me questions, that I feared aggression and confrontation, that I feared the opposite s*x, that I feared being myself.

The ideal situation is to be  emotionally detached all feelings and emotions towards my addictions and my obsessions.

On first being in the meetings I was talking about money, about money lost, about the adrenaline rush, I even use to think that I loved my addictions how weird is that.

So by moving away from talking about money or being in action I got to give therapies about how I am coping with life today.

In time I gave in depth therapies, how I process my feelings and my emotions today.

I did think that I could not resolve or deal with my fears.

In time I felt more than comfortable attending meetings.

As my fears reduced my trust grew more and more.

There is nothing I can do about money lost, only once I accept that simple fact I could move on with my life.

Were my motives healthy walking in to the recovery program, I did most thing reluctantly and resentfully, I left things to the very last moment and caused myself lots of stress and fears.

Procrastination was my second name.

In time I would write things down, I would have daily lists, my needs,  my wants, my goals.

I had very poor tolerance, I could not be patient and tolerant, being impatient and intolerant indicated that I was very hard on myself.

The spiritual recovery program would help me learn that recovery is not about perfection but more about progress however small it is.

I left school with out any qualifications what soever, my very first job was in a fair ground.

By being in recovery I would discover how much potential I have with in myself.

I am able to learn, I am able to listen and see every ones perspective in life and relationships.

My addictions or my obsessions indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable that is all.

I did not know how to celebrate, I did not know how to compliment myself, I did not know how to reward myself, I did not know how to respect myself, I did not know how to love myself, I did not know how to focus on one thing at a time, I did not know how to live life with out worrying.

As I heal my hurt inner child he comes out to play and interact with all people.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

The addictions and the obsessions were a form of escape for me from people life and situations I could not cope with emotionally.

The addictions and the obsessions were a symptom that I was emotionally vulnerable.

The addictions and the obsessions were a complete waste of time and energy.

I am a non religious person yet I do embrace spiritual values in my life today.

My anger was due to my pains not healed, my fears not faced and due to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of  people life and situations.

Before my recovery I was a loner, I use to live a facade where I thought and felt that money would heal my inner child.

By me being dysfunctional I reacted in such unhealthy ways.

Money was the fuel for my addictions, I did not value money and I did not value myself.

There is an implication that feeling pride in our self is unhealthy.

For me feeling pride in my self is very healthy and is the reward for being a healthy interactive person with all people.

Often the recovery program raised more questions that answers, yet it stimulated me.

I see the recovery program as very much like mountain climber who find healthy safe paths through their lives.

As I heal my hurt inner child I feel more connected with like minded people in the recovery program.

For me being in the recovery program has opened my mind to learning much healthier skills in my life.

The person I feared facing the most was myself, I got to know myself much more in my sharing therapies.

By being consumed by my addictions and my obsessions I was not reaching my full potential and I was wasting away.

I could not or would not compliment myself, I could not ask for help, I use to hear good advice yet could not act up on it.

The recovery program was just text and words, not until I put in to practice things I heard could I grow heal and reach a higher potential in my every day life.

The recovery program is not about right wrong good or bad, it is about becoming whole and healthy.

For me people saying what is right wrong good or bad is a criticism and is not very helpful.

In my therapies I talk about me and what is healthy or what is unhealthy today.

Often people will transfer their pains fears and frustrations on to other people.

This is very unhealthy and in time I did not want to hurt myself or hurt other people.

For me the recovery program helped me get connected with goal setting like minded people.

My local group has been very helpful in me getting out of myself.

Am I healing my hurt inner child today.

Has my procrastinations been reduced.

Do I feel more connected with other people in healthy ways today.

How much more effort can I put in to my healthy actions and my healthy words today.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

By going to meetings I was able to abstain from my addictions and my obsessions.

By me abstaining from my addictions and my obsessions I was stop causing pains to myself. 

I am often questioned if you have not gambled in so long why attend the recovery program meetings.

For me abstaining from my addictions and my obsessions was just the deepest part of my healing process.

I use to think and feel that my addictions and my obsessions were controlling me.

That I understand was not so, my addictions and my obsessions were a way of me escaping in my fears from people life and situations from my past.

Sadly I was only able to heal those pains I would acknowledge in myself.

When people asked me how I was feeling did I say I was fine not so bad.

In truth I could not inform people that I was emotionally vulnerable.

I have been a victim in my life, I kept asking myself why does it always happens to me those pains.

The reason I had been a victim in my life was the simple fact I could not stand up for myself.

For me to stop being a victim I needed to speak up for myself from a place of peace.

The ideal situation in my recovery was to be completely detached from all my feelings and my emotions towards Gambling.

To no longer think that Gambling would make me feel successful, that was never true.

To no longer blame Gambling for my unhealthy ways.

To no longer think Gambling ruined my life, that was not true, I ruined my life by wasting time relationships,  the Gambling  never made me do any thing that I did not want to do.

I am a non religious person yet I am and was able to perform many things in my life without  the Gambling.

If other people want to gamble that is their choice,  I do not resent people who are not compulsive gamblers.

Being in my recovery anger and rage reduced to nothing.

I was able to learn to respect myself and to love myself.

In doing so I was able to learn to respect other people and the law.

The spiritual recovery program is about being the healthiest person I can be today.

The daily question did I write down my needs my wants and my goals today.

Today was I able to cross things off list that I had achieved.

Today was I able to say that I was proud of who I am today.

Today was I able to say that I was productive in many ways today.

My resentments told me that I was not healing my pains.

My jealousy told me that I was not be as productive as I could be.

Every time a person goes back to their addictions and obsessions do I learn from them.

It was very important that I did not put other people on a pedestal because if they ever fall back in to unhealthy ways I would assume I would fail.

We all work as a team learning from others unhealthy ways and how we can avoid making the same mistakes.

Today I can be honest with out being cruel.

Today I can be free of fear of being honest.

 I do understand that my relationship with myself is adversely affected if I am not honest with myself.

The spiritual recovery program was a very slow learning curve for me.

By being in the spiritual recovery program my motives for doing things became more and more healthy.

The spiritual recovery program was not and is not a race today, it is about progress not perfection.

To be content with in myself was very healthy indeed.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

I am what I am today yet I know if I stay with my recovery I reach another level I never thought was possible.

I did not know how unhealthy and how emotionally vulnerable I was.

I am a non religious person and found out in time that I was a very unhealthy person who inner child had not healed from the pains of my child hood.

My emotional age and my physical age did not match.

A person once said that he was glad that he was a compulsive gambler.

With out the recovery program he would never found out how unhealthy e was.

 I am what I am yet even today I know understand that I have not yet reached my full potential in life.

Gambling and  money use to be my top focuses in life.

Today time and relationships are most important to me.

I had been an out ward aggressive person, and I was also a suppressive aggressive person.

In time I would understand my emotional triggers.

My anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains my fears and my frustrations.

 My emotional triggers were loneliness and boredom.

I am what I am because I wish to be, healthy in emotional stability, I fully understand my needs my wants and my goals today.

My happiness is relative to my contentment.

My motives are healthy today.

As procrastination reduces I understand more of myself about holding back.

My fears grew and my relationships declined.

My fears grew and my relationships blossomed.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

On entering the spiritual recovery program I was not doing it for myself.

The longer I was involved with my addictions and my obsessions the less likely I was going to do it for myself.

I did not enter the recovery program for myself, I did it because I felt I did not have a choice.

One day I would identify the simple fact I was very much like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting nowhere healthy.

My addictions and my obsessions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable, I was not a bad person, I was not an evil person, I was not a  stupid or dumb person, I was trying to bury and suppress my pains fears and frustrations.

The gambling establishments did not hurt me I hurt myself, the gambling establishments encouraged me to stay in their establishments so that I would hand over my money.

I use to think that people with  money were successful people.

One person I met I said to that person are you happy you have all this money.

The person asked me if I thought that money was his main goal in his life, I said yes, he said I got it wrong, his main goal in his life was to be successful, the consequences of being successful was more income, his goal was never money or material things.

Before my recovery I felt very vulnerable with groups of people, I felt that I needed to have some drinks so that my fears reduced.

The simple truth was that I feared emotional intimacy long before my addictions and my obsessions.

I am anon religious person, yet I embrace spiritual values, days we got married a person told my wife that I was a good person.

How could it be that person was so sure of the fact that deep down I was a good person.

Yet over time I did not understand my emotional triggers, I did not understand when I felt emotionally vulnerable. 

The spiritual recovery program could not stop me gambling, that was going to be my own choice.

The spiritual recovery program was a manual to finding a healthy life with out my addictions and my obsessions.

Once I took the spiritual recovery program seriously I was not only be able to abstain from a lot of unhealthy habits, I was going to blossom and open up and became a healthy productive self sufficient healthy person I would be proud of.

The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program was going to encourage me to attend meetings no matter when my last bet was, to encourage me to attend meetings even if I had no money.

The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program would clap me and complimented me on my honesty when I admitted having a bet just hours before a meeting.

The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program would be encouraging towards me and be nurturing towards me when I felt most vulnerable.

There are some people who will say that pride is unhealthy, the simple truth is pride is healthy, when we say or do some thing that is healthy we reward our self with pride in our self and our new found skills.

Sadly the unhealthy people in the spiritual recovery program will try and trick people, manipulate people, or even bully people in the rooms of recovery, this is very unhealthy indeed and not only affects the person who is being hurt but also reduced the trust in the meeting.

The people in the spiritual recovery program would never take any credit what so ever for another person recovery, in fact it is and was very imperative that sponsor helps persons to take full responsibility for their credit and advances in their growth, this encouragement this nurturing helps a person build up confidence and self esteem in them self.

Some people will often think that clean time can be lost, not so no matter if person admits to have a bet after decades that clean time is lost, not so, yet a person will question their own recovery and if they did not fully understand all of their emotional triggers.

The ideal situation is to be completely emotionally detached from all feelings and emotions towards addiction obsessions and any form of escape.

The question is when is a person being obsessive about some thing, it is important to understand our needs our wants and our goals, it was very important to write them all down, that is my commitment to myself.

If I do a thing for far to long I am not being healthy towards myself, it is important for me to have breaks after a certain amount of time, to relax and get clarity in my mind.

Identifying all of my fears was very important, to take the greatest fear in my life and to face it head on, what is the very worst thing that could happen, by taking my biggest fear ever fear after that seems so much easier and simpler to face.

My theory is that every fear we have is a consequence of unhealed pains of my past.

For me it is possible to face my fears with out knowing or understanding which pain caused fears in me.

I did Karate fro two years, I would say that I did it obsessively, and after two years would recognize that my fears of aggression and confrontation came earlier in my child hood.

Can an unhealthy person adversely affect another person, yes for sure, my control issues in my family caused unhealthy reactions from my family, only when I was in the healing process could I see the fear in my family reduce.

How do I measure my recovery is how honest my family can be when I am with them.

Was I a victim in my life, yes for sure,  was I a perpetrator in my life, yes for sure,  was I a rescuer in my life, yes for sure.

Each of these is unhealthy, just because I stopped my addiction and my obsessions did not mean I was being healthy in myself or with my family.

My fear of emotional intimacy started earlier in my child hood, in the meetings I could only open up very slowly and it took em time to trust meetings and people who were addicts.

Often we hold a open debate of how meeting is working out.

Do people want any thing to change, how much we read, if we are free to comment and question on readings only, by this openness and freedom can people make further decisions and how to communicate their needs wants and their future goals.

I had to admit that I did not like feeling like I was the victim, for me to stop being the victim I needed to speak out for myself from a place of peace. To set up healthy boundaries.

The addictions and obsessions were a form of escape, escaping people life and situations I could not cope with.

My frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, by me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, I was in effect causing myself pains time and time again, my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations came from my child hood.

My unreasonable expectations when I was a child I was hurting myself,  sadly my parents were unable to love them selves, so they were unable to love me, my parents were unable to open to emotional intimacy to them selves, so they were unable to to emotional intimacy with me.

My parents were unable to say they loved me, my parents were unable to be nurturing and encouraging to them self so they were unable to be nurturing and encouraging towards me, my parents were unable to compliment them selves.

How healthy am I today, how much more can I do with my life today.

Do I show appreciation and gratitude to all people in my life today.

How many spiritual values do I show towards other people today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

Hi

In the spiritual recovery program I was able to find out how unhealthy I was,  I was able to find out my emotional triggers.

I am a non religious person but over time I have found a healing path of my hurt inner child.

The rage that came out of me indicated how much buried pains I had with in me.

My addictions and my obsessions were a way of em escaping facing myself.

How long it took me to move on talking about money lost or being in action I do not know, yet I now understand healing did not come about by talking about gambling money lost or being in action.

By giving atherapy I am in effect showing my emotional vulnerability.

My emotional vulnerability started from a very early age, only when I admitted to myself the pains I had suppressed could they come out and be healed.

Each time I went back to gambling escaping only indicated that I was not understanding my emotional triggers.

By talking out about the pains fears and frustrations loneliness and boredom could I do some thing about them.

Before my recovery my motives were not healthy, doing things resentfully,  doing things reluctantly, person pleasing, trying to buy people attention and friendship.

My reason for going to meetings changed as I changed.

When my last bet is less important today, what is important is was I healthy with myself today, was I healthy with other people today, did my actions or words adversely affect another person including myself today.

When I say or do some thing healthy do I feel proud of myself today.

Am I self sufficient today.

Do I have clearly written down my needs, my wants and my goals each day. 

Am I fully aware of my finances today.

Do I keep up to date all of my finances today.

Do people fear being honest with me today.

When people ask me how I am today is a question or an observation.

Do I trust my instincts today.

Do I ask myself how were my actions words and communications with other people today.

Do I show appreciation and gratitude to all people who interact with me in every way healthy.

Am I able to set boundaries in my life today.

Have I reduced my expectations of people life and situations today.

Am I able to ask for help.

Am I able to exchange my views and opinions in healthy ways today.

Am I nurturing and encouraging towards all people today.

Do I in any way try to control manipulate people in doing some thing they do not want to do today.

Do I in any way try to avoid being honest with people today.

Do I live in guilt shame or regret today, have I forgiven myself from my past unhealthy ways today.

Do I procrastinate in unhealthy ways today.

Do I fear trying some thing new.

Do I fear change in my life today.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham  

Hi

Just for today I will not gamble is a boundary that I set up for myself.

I know that if I were to gamble I would make things much worse in my life.

On walking in to the recovery program I thought that I would be the last person on this planet to stop gambling.

The gambling and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was very emotionally vulnerable.

In recovery I would learn what my emotional triggers were.

In recovery I would learn to exchange every unhealthy habit in to healthy habits. 

I do much more than abstain from my addictions and abstain from my obsessions.

Being a very emotionally vulnerable person I lived my life in self doubt, because of my past I did not value myself or values other people.

The rage and anger with in me indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.

On walking in to the spiritual recovery program I did not fully understand how immature I was, my sulking was the feelings of a child not getting what he wanted.

Today I understand that my emotional age and my physical age do not match up.

The wording dysfunctional confused what could that be.

Today I understand that dysfunctional behavior is blaming and escaping responsibility for my own actions and my own words.

Dysfunctional behavior is very unhealthy, for me dysfunctional meant people could not work as a team, dysfunctional meant people were unable to interact in healthy spiritual ways.

In my time it would be up to me to take responsibility for my unhealthy habits.

The recovery could not stop me gambling that had to be my own choice.

The recovery would help me share myself in therapies and over time I would move on from my past after dealing with it.

The healthy people in the recovery problem would help me understand what was healthy and what was  unhealthy.

The rewards for being a healthy person is pride in ones self, I would be able to validate myself,  I would be able to compliment myself,  I would be able to be nurturing and encouraging towards myself.

The recovery program would help me help myself.

I understand my needs today, I understand my wants today, I understand my goals today.

I am not  willing to give up faith or hope in myself today.

I am not  willing to hurt myself or other people today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

Did I think that I was a compulsive gambler on walking in to the recovery program.

From day one in recovery I did not understand how emotionally vulnerable I was.

After some time I understand that my emotional triggers were my pains I could or would not heal.

Another of my emotional triggers were my fears I could face or reduce.

Another of my emotional triggers were my frustrations were my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I could not or would not reduce.

Because of my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was hurting myself, I as hurting myself.

Another of my emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness and due to my fears of emotional intimacy.

Another of my emotional triggers were my feelings of boredom, sadly the longer I was consumed by my addictions and my obsessions I was less productive and feared failing.

In questioning myself why I procrastinated so much was it fear based, was it lack of confidence, was it I feared failing, did I fear being successful.

In time I would help myself and abstain from Gambling, I would also start to give up unhealthy habits.

In time I would help myself by writing down daily lists of wants needs and my goals, help myself by writing down shopping lists, help myself by writing down spread sheets showing our finances and even paying things on time.

By delaying, by avoiding things I just put myself and my family under stress and anxiety.

Is living in fear healthy.

Why did I fear being honest, did I think that if I was honest would be painful and cause me pains.

Why did I fear committing myself.

Why did I fear mixing with groups o people, can I mix with people with out having to have a drink.

One day I  found out that anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains, an unhealthy reaction to my fears, an unhealthy reaction to my unreasonable expectation people lie and situations that did not go my way.

I can be myself today, I can be honest to myself and other people today, I do not need to live in fear today.

I understand that by living in fear is not healthy, in therapies I would see other people fears in myself. 

The recovery program is a healing process, I could only heal by admitting to myself I was in pain, then up to me to do something about it.

The recovery program is only a manual for me to learn from.

With this infection I can view it as a fear thing, or I can view it as a safety, that following guide lines I am able to learn to protect myself.

I can only value and respect other people when I am able  value and respect myself.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hey,

You're doing very well! Keep the clear head, peaceful heart and soul intact.We all will get through this difficult time.For now we need to aknowledge every little mercy out there...eg. no gambling incidents...That is really positive.Stay safe, committed and be kind to you

S.......xx

Hi

Once we get seriously in to the recovery and work it, the pains of our past heal and we feel free of fears to achieve so much more with our life.

People who feel threatened by our honesty have not the privilege of living a healthy life.

I am not able to control other people, the only reason why people change is to become more and more healthier in them selves.

In the old days when I was trying to control other people it was very much fear based.

If I truly love people I will trust them, if I truly love people I will give of myself to them unconditionally.

Only when I am truly able to love myself can I love other people. 

The success of the recovery program is based up on honest therapies.

In time another person honesty becomes my honesty. 

Today I understand that my addictions and my obsessions were only the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable. 

Today I understand that every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand or know how to deal with.

I am a non religious person yet I am becoming more and more spiritual.

My conscience was based up on spiritual values and my conscience caused me to feel pains I inflicted up on myself and other people.

During my unhealthy period I would say and do some very unhealthy things, and would justify my unhealthy habits.

I was very confused during my unhealthy period because I use to think that my adrenaline rush was happiness and exciting.

I would refer to my highs and my lows think that was different levels of happiness.

When in action I was avoiding facing myself and my feelings.

During my unhealthy period I would be juggling so may fears that when another fear came to my mind I would go in to panic mode.

Going in to panic mode only indicated how much fear I was already burying and hiding facing. 

The spiritual recovery program was a healing program for me to heal from, if I was not willing to admit my pains to myself could I heal them.

There were many sayings that confused me on hearing them.

I could not love another person until I loved myself.

I could not respect another person until I respect myself.

I could not be honourable to another person until I could not be honourable to myself.

I could not be tolerant and patient with another person until I could not be tolerant and patient with  myself.

To be self sufficient I needed to write down my needs, my wants and start to set goals in my life.

By writing down my lists is me being accountable to myself.

To be a healthy person I needed to humble myself to the honesty about myself.

In open therapies I would see and feel myself in other people.

Both the healthy and the unhealthy.

I see the spiritual recovery program very much like mountain climbers, that by being tied together we learn and experience safely healthier ways in our life.   

In open therapies we are tied together by our honesty at every level.

In my recovery I am getting healthier each day yet I am still a non religious person.

I did not fully understand how the experiences of my life stunted me in so many ways I did not understand.

By healing my inner child, by living life with out fear, by being healthier there is so much more I can do with my life today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

Hi

The addictions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

When I could not cope facing people situations and life I would escape to my addictions and obsessions.

In the recovery program I found out that the reason I felt bad about myself was the simple fact I had gone against my own conscience.

The recovery program helped me be able to abstain from my unhealthy habits.

Yet in time it was possible to not fear being honest.

Honest to myself and then honest to other people.

Before my recovery I could not celebrate in healthy ways.

I use to need a drink to mix with other people, that was a fear of emotional intimacy.

I always associated being honest as being painful.

As a child I was always punished for being honest.

In the recovery program and through therapies I found that my honesty was empowering to me.

Was I a victim as a child for sure.

I suffered many kinds of abuse and in time that inner child would come out to play from the heart.

To blame and to justify was a very unhealthy thing for me to do.

Nothing healthy was made by my blaming and to justifications.

When I am honestly accountable to my unhealthy actions and to make amends words it was important to not blame any one for my unhealthy habits or ways.

If I do not apologize completely I will not repair relationships with other people or myself.

An apology is not about who is right or wrong, an sincere apology is healing damaged relationships, with myself and with other people.

There is no doubt in myself as being unhealthy before my recovery.

It is only by healing from our past that we no longer live in the pains of our past.

My wanting justice was not so, I wanted vengeance  and it indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.

 My resentments indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.

 My anger indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.

My impatience and intolerance indicated that I was being hard on myself.

I could only respect other people once I was able to  respect myself.

By living for today only I no longer waste time and energy living in my past.

I learn from my past I do not live in it.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

Hi

I think that some people need more time to heal the hurt inner child from the pains of our past.

Yet I think the more time and effort we put in to our recovery helps so much.

The meetings them self often raised more questions than answers.

Hence meetings after meeting get some in depth discovery about aspect of how recovery works.

I have on some occasions spent more than two hours on a one to one two way approach talking with people after meetings.

And the funny thing is that people will often refer to hearing about different aspects of recovery yet do not understand till much later on afterwards.

The question asked how do I know if I am ready for counselling.

My answer is when you no longer have any fears in you of talking any time or event in your life.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham 

Hi

My name is Dave I am a compulsive Gambler.

I have been able to work with my recovery which in time helped me heal from the pains of my past.

In time all the time I was consumed by my addictions and obsessions I was becoming more and more unhealthy and even more vulnerable.

I was not an evil person, I was not an bad person, I was a person who was very unhealthy emotionally vulnerable person, who when I could not cope with people life and situations I would try to escape one way or another.

In time I would learn to abstain from one unhealthy habit, only for me abstaining was going to be the start of the healing process.

Why did I think that I loved Gambling, silly me it was not love at all, it was risk taking and very much adrenaline based.

Deep down I was a very inadequate insecure inept person, I was just not aware of what my emotional triggers were.

For me my emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal, my emotional triggers were my fears I could not face, my emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my expectations I could not reduce of people life and situations, my emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness, my emotional triggers were my feelings of boredom. 

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand, I would understand that I can face my fears with out understanding the pains that caused those fears.

Why could I not be honest, well it was simple every time I was asked to be honest and own up I would be punished.

Why did I fear emotional intimacy, well simple I was often hurt by people that were close to me.

No one could stop me gambling, only when I accepted that simple fact it would be easier for me.

My control issues were fear based.

One very simple fact that my anger was a very unhealthy reaction to my pains my fears and my frustrations.

The question is for myself is being angry healthy, if it is unhealthy how do I change my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations to becoming more stable in myself.

The unhealthy level of reaction could often be described as rage from with in.

My rage in my anger was often not to what was happening at that one moment but a build up of unhealthy reactions to events from my past.

I use to say that I wanted justice for the pains of my past that were not healed.

I use to say that I was angry at the casino, how healthy it is to be angry at a casino or angry at a person working there, they did not take my money from me, I gave it to them willingly.

The simple fact no one made me gamble, no one took my money from me, I did it willingly.

Some people will say that a compulsive Gambler is selfish, that was confusing that saying, for me a compulsive Gambler is self destructive, not the same thing at all.

What feelings did I have with in myself on leaving those unhealthy places, for me I was in pain, I was angry at myself, I felt like I had lost control in my life, I felt hopeless and useless, I felt even more inadequate and insecure in myself, I felt inept and inadequate,  and most important I felt more insecure in myself than before I went back to my addictions.

My addictions were a form of escape when I was not able to cope emotionally.

In my life was I a victim, oh for sure, no doubt about it what so ever.

How did I understand what a victim was, for me things were done and said to me that adversely affected me in so many ways, it adversely affected me in my grow as a person, it adversely affected me to able to heal and move on from my past.

Why would a person continue to allow people to adversely affect them, this point is important to make a decision to stand up for one self, not from rage or anger but to talk out from a place of peace.

To be able to articulate your self in very healthy ways.

Some people will find it very hard to remove them self from the threat of very unhealthy manipulating people.

There is setting boundaries, this is a new found healthy skill and is very powerful.

Before my recovery I was a very angry discontent unhealthy person.

My frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

Will unhealthy people get healthy because I am in a recovery program, you are joking right.

By reducing my expectations of people life and situations I stop hurting myself.

My loneliness was due to my fear of emotional intimacy.

To move away from talking sad war stories over and over again would take me some time.

To give a therapy would get me out of living in the past and get me focused on my commitment and on to healthy motives. 

 For the recovery program to work in time requires our commitment, to identify what is unhealthy and what is  healthy, to over time exchange an unhealthy habit in to a healthy habit.

How much do I value myself today.

The wording I used all the time before was I have to.

Now it is more about what is a need. 

Now it is more about what is a want. 

Now it is more about what is a goal.

To commit to myself is about writing down and being committed to myself. 

Daily lists of my healthy needs my healthy wants my healthy goals.  

It is often found that people will exchange one unhealthy habit in to another unhealthy habit.

A healthy sponsor will be sharing in a two way street healthy intimate relationship.

Being honest with out being cruel.

A healthy sponsor will never take credit for your new found healthy skills.

A healthy sponsor will encourage you and encourage you to continue with your new found skills.

Procrastinations is often talked about yet not fully understood, why putting off committing your self to healthy skills in your life.

A healthy sponsor will be nurturing and encouraging you towards filling your days with full committed time.

A healthy sponsor will be talking about your decisions in getting things done in healthy ways.

In time your ability will include showing your gratitude and appreciation towards other people. 

Showing your gratitude and appreciation is an expression of your new found values in your self.

Your gratitude and appreciation will improve your intimacy with other people. 

I asked my wife what is love, her answer was very simple yet I did not understand at the time. 

Love is giving of your self unconditionally having no expectations what so ever.

This ties up with our frustrations due to our expectation of others.

The serenity prayer helps us understand how painful it is to our self having such high expectations of others.

Procrastination so many people have their views why it hard for them to get committed in to doing the actions.

So the question is procrastination fear based, lack of commitment, fear of failure,  fear of it being painful, is it lack of confidence, is it our ignorance, feeling inept, do we not have any faith in our self, we do nto value our self.

So once we do more and more healthy things our healthy needs our healthy wants, is it hard to compliment our self, to validate our self, to encourage our self even further. 

I have not been to meetings since Covid scares.

Do I live in fear of infection, do I live in any kind fear of today.

I have been to recovery center to gives talks in a very secure healthy setting.

I get so much from doing talks, I get lots from people questions.

The funny thing that most meetings raise more questions than answers.

In my time I am not surprised to see many meetings after meetings which last even longer than the original meetings.

In our therapies we will be nervous first of all, yet over time we will see our self in others, both the healthy and unhealthy part of us.

In therapies we will see our self from the past but also see and feel our self in the future levels of our recovery. 

I most certainly believe in spiritual values but I am a non religious person.

I understand that my healthy spiritual values caused me to feel guilty and ashamed by our unhealthy past.

When I go against my own spiritual values I hurt myself.

Yet how do we heal our pains, how do we face our and reduce our unhealthy fears.

And as we talk about and reduce our unhealthy fears our healthy trust grows.

By our healthy therapies we open up more to healthy motive and productive lives. 

Each time we break out and go back to unhealthy habits we can learn what emotional triggers caused me to live in fear once more and how can I process those feelings and much healthier way.

One time I went to a new kind of group, I heard people saying that certain feelings and emotions were good bad wrong or right.

I think that in that way we do not process or understand out unhealthy reactions.

To have healthy interactive relationships with our self we need to understand what is healthy and what is unhealthy.

In meetings often we would read peoples body language as them being dissapointed in our last break out,  sadly people would feel uncomfortable seeing or feeling other peoples pains. That we would assume their response to us as being unhealthy.

So the question can we have empathy for another person if we are not able to have empathy for our self.

Can we love another person if we are unable to love our self.

Can we respect another person if we are unable to respect our self.

Can we trust  another person if we are unable to trust  our self.

Can we be patient with another person if we are unable to patient with our self.

How much value do we have about our self.

How much do we want to heal our hurt inner child.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

In time I got to know and understand that my addictions and obsessions were just the symtoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

Being in my recovery since 1969 I understand that I was a very slow learned.

I often thought that peoples advice was people trying to control me.

The day I walked in to the recovery program I knew if some one had given me money just before my walking in to recovery I knew I would have gone abck gambling.

In time I got to understand I had certain emotional triggers, pains I could not heal, fears I could not face and reduce, my frsutrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of life people and situations, I was vulnerable when I was being a loner, and I used to be bored because I lacked motivation in doing thinsg for healthy reasons.

For me in time I would understand that the recovery program was abaout healing and becoming a healthy person.

In time I went to meetings for selfish reasons, I went to meetings to listen to therapies and also give my own therapies.

In the therapies I got to see my self in other people, both the healthy and unhealthy.

I gave up talking war stories and got deeper in to myself.

I feared being myself, I did not even know who I was.

In my therapies I would peel back the onion and expose that hurt inner child in me who  never healed his pains and emotional traumas.

In time I would learn that I was not stupid evil bad or dumb I was just emotionally vulnerable.

My anger was an unhealthy reaction to my past, I so much wanted to heal my pains.

When asked a question I use to feel so threatened, I got to understand how inept inadequate insecure I was.

I got to understand that my physical age and my  emotional age did not match up.

I got to understand that the pains trauma in my youth adversely affected my ability to learn to understand to doubt myself. 

I am a non religious person yet I do embrace spirtual values.

My conscience is based up on spirtual values, as I get healthier I am abale to listen to my own conscience and no say or do things that hurt me or others.

The more therapies I was in to the more I understood myself.

In the recovery program healing my pains became easier and quicker.

In being the victim as a child due to all kinds of abuse I got to understand wh people use to always pick on me, it was because i was so emotionally vulnerable.

So to stop being the victim I needed to have a voice for myself which was based up on a place of peace.

Having a voice did nto change other people, yet over time I found that people not longer tried to push my buttons.

To stop being a victim all I needed to speak up for myself.

I am a very selfish person today, I am the meetings for myself.

I am now 29 years clean in my addiction, yet being clean is the start, it is when you no longer have such volatile reactions in your life, you no longer want to be the loner, you no longer want to hurt your self or others, you no longer want to live in any kind of fears, you no longer want to waste your time or your life any more.

How much do you value your self today, how much time and effort am I willing to invest in to my recovery today.

Am I able to ask for help, am I willing to humble myself to being an equal to all people, am I willing to love and protect and respect myself today.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK