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S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Well i'd like to say that iv'e finally got to grips with my addiction but truth is I haven't. I managed maybe 6 weeks and had certainly started to see the financial benefit of not gambling but then one night it all went t**s up once again. I found my way around my self-imposed barriers and gambled most of it away. Now am back on the financial and psychological edge a place I have been inhabiting for at least 3 years now. Like I have said before, my personal battle is not coronavirus as such, it remains gambling addiction.... although the indirect effects of the virus are just beginning to have an effect...

.... my work is starting to change, we are turning into a proper care home more and more. People whom would normally go into hospital or go to a nursing home are now staying put and people whom would normally go into a nursing home from hospital are now coming back to us to die. Trouble is none of us are trained in end of life care, none of us are nurses and yet we find ourselves filling out turning charts, pressure care charts, food and fluid charts, feeding people etc etc. I never signed up for this and yet I need a job so i keep going.. but half the time I feel like a fraud cos i don't really know what am doing, other than being a pleasant cheerful person, at least on the outside anyway.

You can also feel the stress in the team. People are getting tired, fed up and stressed out, which is in turn affecting my stress levels which know doubt impacted my deluded choice to gamble. Am not making any excuses though am just telling it as it is, which is what I have always done.

Anyway i have a day off today. The sun is shining and I carry on. Life goes on regardless until the day it doesn't. No run today and too tired, its too warm and am up at silly o'clock tomorrow to walk to work. I do enjoy early morning walks just as its getting light. At that time in the morning I feel at my most alive.

Thanks for listening.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th May 2020 7:52 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

On a positive I finally decided to start prodding the council a little more forcefully about my no hot water situation. Iv'e had no hot water since the start of lock down and the thing is iv'e started to get use to it. Am the sort of person that if I was forced to live in my own excrement i'd hate it but after a time i'd get use to it and then except it as the "new normal"... shrug my shoulders and say... "it is what is".

But I recognise that this is very much part of my self-destructive cycle ie everything to everyone else but nothing to myself. The same is true about my missing front tooth, iv'e got use to it now and the danger is that I will do nothing about it way beyond the end of the virus restrictions.

But anyway, they came yesterday and measured up for my new boiler. I hold out hope 🙂

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th May 2020 8:05 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Ya gotta hold out hope haven't you? If you don't hold out hope, ya just curl up in a ball and die.. which is exactly what iv'e seem one of our residents do and yes he died.. He got exactly what he wanted.

I hold out hope... its not my time.

Any yes, once again, thanks for listening 🙂

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th May 2020 8:09 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

More thoughts...

Once you go from walking to not walking, you have just shortened your life. That's my observation of working with the elderly. The unfortunate part is that i see people going into hospital still able to walk and come out of hospital not able to walk. The NHS is very good at treating illness but not good at keeping people mobile. Its not the pnemonia that kills people, its being in bed for days and weeks that kills people.

Another observation. Once a staff team starts to lose confidence in keeping someone mobile then they have in effect shortened that person's life. For example we have this resident whom started to have falls, nothing too serious, no broken's bones, the odd bruise. However the policy now is that your are not allowed to assist anybody to stand in anyway.. if they can't stand themselves then its an ambulance job. Now the reality is this.... your running a busy job card, you don't have time to be hanging about waiting for a an ambulance crew whom are going to have this person up and in their cumfy chair within seconds, but you do as your instructed. Iv'e learnt myself that you have got to cover your own back, you never know when they might have dislocated there hip and not know it etc etc. I and other carers don't want to end up in court

However what then happens is that this person is then a marked person "mataphorically speaking", "known for having falls" and then one day a carer goes in and decides not to assist this person out of bed because they are worried that they might fall, so the person stays in bed and then would you know it the following day it happens again and hey ho within a short period of time the person has become bed bound.

But the sad part is that all too often its before their time.. its just the the staff team as a whole has lost confidence or motivation to keep this person mobile. The person I speak of has been bed bound for weeks and weeks and it in my opinion it wasn't their time to become bed bound. This is the reality of life and death and dying.

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th May 2020 8:48 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Dear @s-687

I am sorry to read about your recent lapse and the difficulties that this has caused you. Remember that a relapse doesn’t mean you are back to square one. You’ve done really well over the past few months under very difficult life-circumstances, you have achieved a lot.

Thank you for posting, for your openness about your feelings and the difficulties you and your team are experiencing due to the Coronavirus.

I am sure that your story will be familiar to others who use the forum and that you will not be alone in the way that you feel.

I understand absolutely how intense and upsetting it can be to watch those who you have supported and strived so much to improve their health and well-being deteriorate and sometimes with little that you feel you can do to stop this.

Just know S.A that what you are doing is so important and that although the people you support may not be able to tell you, they would want to say how much you mean to them and how much you have helped them.

The guidance for those who are prone to fall is hard to follow. We so much want to do all that we can but sometimes we have to think of ourselves and protect our own well-being as well.

You are doing a fantastic job in very difficult circumstances and so many of us admire your compassion and would not be able to remain as determined as you are to continue to put yourself at the front of caring for our loved ones and friends in the way that you do.

If you have not already done so I would encourage you to speak to one of our Advisers on the netline or helpline. We are here 24 hours a day 7 days a week to offer help and support.

 

Kind regards

Jo

Forum admin

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th May 2020 12:00 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Thank you Jo... I appreciate your thoughtful and kind reply.

Am feeling ok today but this is tinged with a little sadness that lock down did not signal the end of my gambling. I have as I usually do excluded myself from the non gamstop casino that had happily taken my hard earn't money. I had an email exchange with me pointing out how irresponsible they are, not being resgistered with the gambling commission or gamstop, to which they replied with a copy and paste of sections of their terms and conditions and that its my responsibility and they have an international registration bla bla..... but when all is said and done... they know exactly what they are doing... taking advantage of problem gamblers from the Uk.

Anyway the long and the short of it is that am back to living on fresh air and trying to hold it together at work as I edge towards another pay day.

Work is stressy. I was doing the double ups with yet another new staff. Am reminded of my experience in this setting as judged by the look on this staffs members face as we hoisted a 20 stone man out of bed. I think if you have never worked with sick, elderly, disabled, vulnerable people before... its a real eye opener. The responsibility is quite enormous really, one wrong move and the person could end up injured on the floor with one's job and livelihood having just been flushed down the toilet.

Thats the self-destruct part of me that I have never really fully understood. I go to work I do a very worthy job as well as I can and then i take my wages and flush them down the gambling toilet and leave myself even more stressed and worried than i was when at work. Don't do it!

Thanks for listening

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st June 2020 10:41 am
freda
(@freda)

I'm so sorry to read you have had a lapse. You certainly deserve a much better standard of life. I do hope you achieve it, would be lovely to see.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st June 2020 11:58 am
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)

Hi SA, 

 

Difficult to read your pain and dissapointment. This gambling bug is truly horrible. We both know how damaging it is, i don't need to tell you this.

 

Maybe if and when you're ready, you can make a step and block your bank cards? I find it very helpful and initial shame of admitting my problem to the bank aside, it truly protects and works when i get urges.  People talk about Monzo cards so maybe that's something you could look into.

 

Your job is stressful. Maybe you could look into some adjustments within position? Dont know what's out there in your environment but if you won't look/try, you will not move forwards. Change is difficult but usually for the best.

 

Wish you well, try and be kind to yourself 

 

S&B xx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st June 2020 12:31 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Well yes, surely I can find a better way of living than how I have lived so far. And whilst I have surely made my contribution to humanity I definately haven't been good to myself in the process. My only true healthy joy is being outside in nature walking or jogging, everything else just boils down to mind numbing escapism. I even find myself idly refreshing the page on the corona virus worldometer watching the death count add up.

Talking of death, residents are dying at my place of work. Normally people go to hospital or to a nursing home or their care gets taken over by the palliative care team but just lately that seems not to be happening. I am seeing the death and dying process up close and personal, turning people in bed, administering morphine, checking the oxygen, holding the cup of water, holding the hand. Its all new to me, no training, just doing what seems right in the moment. The virus has changed things... people are dying because of the pandemic but not necessarily because of the virus itself if that makes sense. The collateral damage will kill many more than the disease covid-19.

I feel like I might be sacked.. not because am not a good care worker but because my current poor mental health and recent gambling is affecting my sleep which is making me extra tired and anxious and leading me to do daft things. The company I work for seems to get rid of people very quickly with little due process. I have no money. I certainly won't be gambling any time soon if i want to keep a roof over my head. I hate money and yet the reality is that it is a necessary evil.

Just for today and... thanks for listening

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th June 2020 7:18 pm
RouletteRegret
(@rouletteregret)

Good Morning SA,

Ive not been posting as much in the past few weeks which hasn’t been on purpose just life flying by.

Anyway, how are you getting on? I hope you’re ok.

I can only imagine how tough things have been in your workplace and how stressed you must feel. It’s a terrible shame. I hope you can find time to unwind and get out running.

I feel fitter than I have in a long time and I’ve truly fell in love with running again. I look forward to it everyday. The way it makes me feel afterwards is amazing.

Its been surreal for me at work. First week everyone cautious and using masks, gloves, visors etc. That lasted less than a week. Nobody wears anything now and social distancing almost non existent. Very quickly work went back to how it was prior to the shutdown. As i type that I realise how strange it must read.

I hope you’re ok. Take care.

RR

ReplyQuote
Posted : 13th June 2020 8:51 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Hi RR... thanks for dropping in. Yeah your right, work feels stressy. I can't cope with other people's whinging and moaning, though people like to off load to me for some reason. I do apologise to woman kind in advance but your need to verbalise every thought, every feeling, every emotion, every detail in a high pitched shrill... just does my fruit in. Can't you see that that am stupidly tired and am not even listening to your whinging. I guess I just have sponge written on my forehead,,, soak up others people's emotional s**t. Work is tough, cos regular staff are leaving and residents needs are increasing and current management are new and inexperienced

Am not gambling and currently have no urges to gambling but as always am suffering the consequences financially and emotionally from the last "event", which consisted of me gambling at a non-gamstop casino, where my money got converted into russian rubbles and I managed to blow a big wedge of cash in next to no time, all the while knowing that if I did win I probably wouldn't of got paid out anyway, as judged by the scathing criticism of this scam casino on the internet. But I spose this is the power of addiction and the need to gamble just for the sake of a gamble. I am trying to get my card blocked from gambling transactions but with my bank their seems not to be a simple feature on the website to do this and I haven't perservered with phoning them cos i can't be arsed.

So, in conclusion I continue to be a bit of a train wreck of a human being but am in a slightly better place than i was say 2 weeks ago... 

Thanks for listening

ReplyQuote
Posted : 15th June 2020 9:28 am
freda
(@freda)

Glad to read your update. Keep communicating, it's important. 

My partner was wittering on last night and doesn't usually, I noticed it and thought how draining it was but that I do it all the time. I've often thought that although we have many valid points when it comes to feminism and equality, we do have a fair few double standards of our own.

Sounds like your job is still not good for you.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 15th June 2020 11:41 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

But on balance it is better that am working than not working. My ramblings above are just a stress reaction after just 3 shifts in a row. But yesterdays shift did involve me getting up at 4 and walking to work, so its no surprise that i end up feeling so f****d by the end of it. Am tentatively looking for new work but I don't want it to feel like out of the frying pan and into the fire so I proceed with caution.

Am stepping up pressure on the council. Its now 3 months without hot water. If I was a family with young children they wouldn't leave it this long, pandemic or no pandemic.

I want to live a normal gambling free life. I don't want to live on the edge anymore.

Thanks for listening

This post was modified 3 weeks ago by S.A
ReplyQuote
Posted : 15th June 2020 2:40 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

The workings of my mind are bizarre. At this moment in time I have clarity of thought, even though am stupidly tired. My gambling is soo self-destructive its beggars belief. How I am still alive God only knows. My spiritual life review will be terribly sad to see. Scene after scens of me with head in hands, tears in eyes, wanting to die, etc etc. Out of all the self-destructive things i have ever done, gambling stands out, head and shoulders above absolutely everything else.

In my mind their is nothing more destructive than compulsive gambling.

I just needed to say this to myself

Thanks for listening

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th June 2020 8:34 am
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi @S.A I agree I've done stupid stuff in my life but compulsive gambling is absolutely by far the most destructive. I'm 14 days today GF and have much clearer thoughts. I wish you strength and some positivity that you can start to move forward stop pushing the self destruct button. I'll always listen

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th June 2020 4:57 pm
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