Thanks RR... well at least am sitting with a nice cuppa and I haven't gambled. Am very tired and stressed though. Work is doing my fruit in. A couple of demanding days with several more to follow. There are too many people with high support needs living in homes that aren't supposed to be care homes with too few staff and with equipment that doesn't work. The staff are then forced to work for companies that only care about the bottom line... profit... and only do the minimum amount of training required by law. How are you supposed to work the late shift effectively and safely in a place with 200 flats full of old and disabled people some of whom think they can just press there pendant for anything and everything... with only 3 staff, one of whom only works there occasionally. Its a joke.
Thank you fir your support on my diary.
Your words on my diary read for grim reading to some but for me I think I understand. I am a man with a wife and three kids. Everything that is bought for the house or kids (outside of football activities) is on the back of a wife’s suggestion that we need such and such or the kids need new shoes or books etc. If it were left to me the house would be bare and my kids would walk about in clothes that don't fit. I’m not a bad man but just a typical old fashioned type guy.
Not a day goes by when the wife and I don’t bicker over the heating, the lights being left on (decorative ones on purpose) or every piece of clothing being washed on a daily basis. Don't even get me started on the tumble dryer. So, with that said, if I lived on my own I’d live in darkness and Id wear an extra jumper before putting the heating on. But, I need my wife to keep me in check even although she drives me mad sometimes.
Admin made the suggestion of you calling for support and help. Its not my business to comment on that.
I think you are a wise man in this world who carries out an important job helping people who cant help themselves. You are a caring man. Ive no doubt if you had the funds to care for yourself in a better way then you would. For now you’re just trying to keep a roof over your head.
So, will this be the month where it begins? The beginning of a better life for SA.
I read you run and so do I so we both know the mental benefits that running brings. Why don't you make a solemn vow to run everyday from Thursday 12th Dec to Tuesday 17th Dec. Everyday over this pay period. Even if its just a mile. I’ll do it with you if you’d like and we can compare our highs and lows of each run. I’m struggling a bit with my runs - not the distance but I feel slow and every run is a real effort. As you’ll know consistency corrects this. I’d struggle to run 5 days in a row but if you think it is something that could help you I’ll do all 5 days. If its a stupid idea then discard it. I really hope you get through this payday. I think you are like me in many ways and like me the hardest bit was that first month. I don't want to tempt fate but I’m doing OK but no so long ago I never believed that I could stop.
Cheers RR... No the running thing is a good idea... ive got to do something to stop myself making my situation any worse come pay day. Basically if I pay everything out that I need to pay out then I will be left with f**k all anyway BUT it WILL be slightly more than if I gambled as well. I think when the urge strikes (which it will) I will go running. But anyway ive got to get to pay day first which still seems like an age away.
Work continues to be stressy. Care calls getting longer, new residents moving in, agency staff, doing controlled drugs by myself cos the internal phones don't work, lots of manual handling. Never move your elderly parents into extra care facilities folks... you never know what your gonna get. Every shift is different.
I really don't want to go the staff christmas drinks this weekend because I will probably get drunk and play the clown. I don't want to get drunk, cos i haven't been drunk for years (amazingly enuff) but am stressed so drunknenness is likely. I think that many people are dropping out or choosing to work the late shift instead so they can legitimately avoid it. Do you know what i'd rather do? pay my water bill installment (which is well over due of course) and get myself something nice to eat and then go to bed. yes you heard that correctly.. pay my water bill instead 🙂
Anyway, life goes on. Thanks for listening
Thanks Freda 🙂
In the world that I live in most people don't pay there water bill, cos they know that the water companies are not allowed to sever your connection, so they think "whats the point". My mate owes 4 figures to the water people but it doesn't seem to stress him at all. I am not like this. If I can, I pay whats due.
Iv'e woken up feeling stressed. Am already stressing about tomorrows work shift. Am trying to be "mindful" and just live in the moment instead. At some point today I will probably get a text message to say what pub my colleagues will be in ie work exmas drinks. But the thing is I got £50 to last me until pay day. Do I spend half of it on beer??... no I don't.. it would be irresponsible to myself. Sitting in some pub trying to look like am having fun but actually worrying about how much money I am spending and feeling awkward cos I can't afford a round. Inevitably somebody may say "I will buy your beer" but I can't cope with that either... if I can't pay my way then I don't go.. I ain't sponging off nobody.
Note to self: This is why I haven't had a social life for several years... cos I never got any money!
Also, why do I want to wake up on Sunday morning feeling hung over and then have to go to work. Am not going folks
Thanks for listening
I can see that your getting stressed out over the Christmas night out scenario and thats not good.
So, as you’ve decided, don't go this year but, next year, you go to the Christmas night out with 12 months GF, money in your pocket and bank and a smile on your face.
Small bricks my friend. Get building.
Well as it turned out nobody texted or phoned about the night out. Am guessing that it didn't happen or it was just a small number of people. Instead I treated myself to full fat cheese on full fat crackers with mango chutney. I ate the lot in addictive style washed down with copious amounts of sugary coffee. In the end I didn't speak to a soul yesterday, slept badly and have woken this morning feeling stressed about going into work today.
I am struggling but I am not gambling. Gamstop is a god send and bookmakers self-exclusions worked because I wasn't gonna travel for miles to bookmakers out of my area. The urge was there mind. I have sufficient money to get me through to pay day.
I do find it particularly hard this time of year. It really is just a day at a time.
Thanks for listening
I find it particularly hard at this time of year, too. Not sure if it's for the same reasons but there are certainly a lot of reasons for a person to feel like they want to "cheer themselves up".
If lack of daylight is hard, I keep reminding myself that it's just 2 more weeks then it will start to very gradually get lighter.
Hi Freda... yes I reckon the lack of sunlight does have an effect on us mortal humans either that or the 5G microwaves broadcasting from every street lamp making us depressed.
I am struggling but also have a resolute determination to finally get through a pay day without f*****g up, something which use to be straight forward just a few years ago.
Am not making things easy for myself though. I felt so tired and fed up when i got home from work yesterday that I worked my way through an entire box of crunchy nut cornflakes and half a loaf of bread and jam. I went to bed feeling like a big fat slug that couldn't sleep, cos my body was too busy trying to digest all the s**t i'd just put into it. But I spose on balance that is better than putting my last remaining few quid into a machine.
Onwards and thanks for listening.
As you say, resolute determination to get through this payday. That is the true important thing.
For the first month I ate like a demented pig, put on a few pounds and it seemed like a problem. It wasn’t. In time, it settled down, you return to normal, I lost a few pounds of fat but I never lost any pounds in currency and that was the only important thing.
The mental state of human beings is a thing of marvel. No doubt I struggled massively in the first few weeks but I can barely recall any of it. No doubt I hardly slept, couldn’t concentrate on anything and worried and stressed about everything. But, I cant quite recall the full details or extent of my struggles. In fact, the only lasting thing is that I haven’t gambled in 76 days. All the struggles seem meaningless now. Human brains are programmed this way. When you think back in time you tend to recall good positive memories and something that seemed really bad no longer seems so bad. Strange really.
Anyway, you should only be a few days from payday. Let this be the one you conquer. I’m rooting for you.
Am physically and mentally exhausted today. So many demands put upon me. Arrived at work to be told that am taking one of the residents to the doctors. This resident is an alcoholic not in recovery and an immature t**t, the sort of person that its just embarrassing to be around cos his behaviour is so innapropriate. He was complaining to the receptionist after just 5 minutes waiting!... and then we see the doctor and the doctor says "how may i help you?" and the t**t goes off on some drunken monologue about nothing... amazingly the doctor had some patience with the him, whilst I slowly lost it inside.
We gets back and then am running around like a headless chicken doing residents tea calls and meds and this resident complains that she hasn't had her call. I explain that she was not in when the staff called at the alloted time. She says but they must come back and i wanted to say... you don't live in a f*****g hotel... but some people just expect don't they, they expect you to run around after them and fit in with exactly what they want .. but am sorry but thats not how it works in supposed "independant living" To anyone whom has lived a charmed life make sure you book yourself into a hotel when you get old cos your gonna be surely dissappointed otherwise.
By 9.30 P.m ive got one lady sitting on a commode waiting to be helped off, one gentlemen sitting in a wheelchair waiting to be hoisted into bed and a crying lady lying on the floor pleading with us not to call an ambulance. The pendants are going cos another lady wants the toilet, another resident wants to know when someone is coming for his call... and two other residents need timed meds at 10 pm.... There are 3 of us and how the f**k I managed to get my bus at 10.12 god only knows. What a s**t shift. Ive said this before folks but never put your elderly parents into supported living cos you never know what your gonna get...
Rant over... no gambling
Well... every shift is different. Some shifts are fun and it can be an enjoyable job, but at the moment the place seems to be full of very old and very vulnerable people that should not be there and that creates a lot of pressure, a lot of pressure within me. I am full of stress and anxiety today... the responsibility of it all. People lean on me quite literally sometimes. To make it worse there is a staff meeting, so am going in a bit early. I hate staff meetings with a passion... they are merely box ticking exercises and they always overrun... and then if your on shift afterwards everything runs late. Staff meetings are just stress creating exercises. people talk about there own individual issues and the rota or sit quietly and say nothing and feel angry inside, management has a moan about stuff and then afterwards everything carries on exactly the same as it was before.... o yes and some area manager type person that you have never met before will over you a mince pie lol... as if that will make everything better. Also nobody will listen to each other, they will talk over each other and then you end up thinking whats the point in any of this and retreat into ones own little world.
As for gambling.... well i haven't gambled but I have thought about it. I think it might be a blessing in disguise if I don't get paid tomorrow and it doesn't go in until Monday. If I pay everything that I need to pay I will be left with f**k all... but very slightly more than what ive had to survive on this month. I need to be patient and also kind to myself. As always I sit on a knife edge and it could go either way. Its so easy to tumble into the abyss once more and so much harder just to edge away from the edge if ya see what i mean. Good things come to those who wait.
Am finding this quite therapeutic today..am calming myself a bit. Ive literally been pacing around before I sat down and started to write. Sometimes ya just need to focus ya mind. better to focus on this than focus on the slots. I suppose thats what the slots do to me isn't it... they give me something to focus upon and take me away from myself and my stress. An not so good at dealing with stress. I need a good walk before work and go and vote of course.... mmmm who to vote for??
Thanks for listening