Hi... even if you were, its fine... I get fed up with myself saying for talking the talk but not walking the walk (at least in recent times anyway)!... Am chilled and mellow and definately not looking for a row.
Have a good day 🙂
Its all a bit of a struggle at the moment. Am thinking about gambling a lot but remaining strong in my resolve. Am feeling bad that i can't afford to buy my sister a birthday present for her 50th next week. Just a card, same as last year. Makes me feel ashamed.
I haven't slept much. The person that lives underneath me has been bashing things and making strange noises during the night. Iv'e only seen her once since the day she moved in... and then the woman that lives underneath her has been arguing with her on off boyfriend and slamming doors. Its always the same... between 4 a.m and 6 a.m every few weeks or so the block seems to erupt into a mental health nightmare. Is society getting sicker and sicker or am I just imagining it? Maybe its the time of year as well... short days long nights, not enough sun.
I walked to work and back yesterday... save a few pennies. I was planning to take some clothes to a "cash for clothes" place today but its wind and rain and knowing my luck i'd get there only to find that its closed.
Anyway, onwards gamble free...
Even more of a struggle today. Lost my bus pass that ive only just bought... so walking to work and back whatever the weather. Twelve days to survive to pay day. Its the bread and jam diet and eating at work where I can. But at least am not starving. Things could always be worse!
Need to get to the cash for clothes shop but am never sure when its going to be open, either that or its heavy rain or as it stands now, no bus pass. My sink is blocked my plunger is broken, no money to get another and of course toothpaste, washing powder (I like clean clothes!) etc etc is all running out. As I say things could always be worse. The indignities we put ourselves through in the quest for a feature on some slot game. It is a pathetic way to live life, but after many years of living this way it has become my normal.
I got my sister (its her 50th birthday) a cheap CD and a card and wrapped it all up nicely. The posting cost more than the present. Not that she is there to receive it. She is off to Iceland to look at the glaciers before they all melt 🙂
By the way am not woe is me as I type. Am just saying it as it is. A reminder to myself when am next tempted to gamble... pay day obviously.
Thanks for listening.
Your story really breaks my heart. Ive read a lot of your diary and I pray that you can just get past one payday to allow yourself a standard of living that allows for basics plus some treats/real comforts. Reading your diary has made me think that getting past just one month gamble free would be enough to propel you to a much happier place simply because you would have a better standard of living. The struggles you endure day to day are heartbreaking and devastating.
I know its not as simple as simply stopping. Ive stopped for 39 days and ive been on a rollercoaster of feeling positively followed by feeling very low. Its hard.
To succeed I think you need a goal. To achieve any goal you need motivation. Ive not got any at the minute. For me, stopping gambling stops things getting worse but ive not found the solution to making anything better. Wont give up until I find it.
I hope payday comes quickly for you and then i hope you abstain from gambling to enjoy the money you need. For you, payday is where abstinence needs to begin not end.
If ever you can, or if you have the inclination, listen to the free George Orwell audiobook. You can download it anywhere but here is a link on youtube. https://youtu.be/R03hRZDpvsc
Don't blame yourself too much SA, yes you could be stronger willed and more determined to kick the habit, but the odds have been stacked against you from day 1. You were born in a capitalistic system which preys on those who 'slips through the cracks.' You've been manipulated and exploited through gambling, although it could so easily have been through booze, drugs, food, materialism etc. Your weakness are those spinning wheels and the empty promises of a bit of extra cash and a tiny, brief escape from the grey world you're told you live in. The high and anticipation and relief you genuinely feel when gambling has all been scientifically created to exploit you to the max. So in turn, you'll work the rest of your life and suffer endlessly for no other reason than to make a few, wealthy, elite shareholders even more wealthy.
Your decades of pain and misery have generously paid for their expensive clothes, perfume, cars, homes, holidays, titles, respect, food, kids education, etc, etc, etc. This is Capitalism. Those tiny, tiny few rich, elites, corporations mantra is to get people, such as yourself, to work for them for the rest of your life, to exploit your labour or manipulate you into the aforementioned bad habits. It's all done by design S.A. of course, if and when the system finally breaks you, when you've given your best years, been chewed up and spat out, all that remains are the cold streets, living from handout to handout. This is capitalism and you have been exploited, fell through the cracks and now teetering on the crevice. Part of you I'm sure, would gladly sink into that final darkness but why give them that satisfaction, those who have holidayed on your money, dined out in the best restaurants, drove the best cars, slept with supposedly attractive women. Why keep giving them the satisfaction and keep wanting to support THEIR abundant lifestyle?
Everyday we face choices, which have consequences, we all know this. You have been groomed, manipulated and exploited to become highly addicted to those flashing lights, sounds, movement, anticipation and even its inevitable despair. You're not a victim of you're own weakness but a victim of the brainwashing power those greater than you have over you. Manipulation and exploitation, the oil which lubricates the wheels of capitalism. The sooner you realize this, and the sooner FOBT's embed a trigger of anger because they conjure up an image of those wealthy, sociopathic elites laughing at you, thinking of you as sub human chattle, the sooner you'll break this cycle and start living in peace again.
You've heard every way possible to 'break this cycle' I'm sure, we all have. Yet here's my 10 pence worth for what it's worth. Learn to hate and be angry, not at yourself, you've done enough of this already and its got you nowhere, if anything you're more likely to punish yourself. Instead hate the machines and the people who consider you nothing more than a farm animal, or an eyesore if you end up on the streets. Now, you need to detoxify your mind from all that manipulation, the artificial highs, excitement, eagerness and anticipation. It's in their right now bubbling away, looking for any excuse to surface. You like running but the only problem is it requires physical exertion then recuperation. Then if you overdo it, it leads to feeling energyless and ultimately down, which in turn opens the door to gambling as a 'little mental pick me up.' instead, I would find another addiction, something mental rather than physical, something which takes a long time but it has to be rewarding, either personally, better still financially (even if it's in pennies). oh, and try to make it as mind numbingly s**t and boring as possible, after all remember you've been wired up , and exploited to become an Adrenalin J****E, to get as high as a kite on your own gear,you need to wean yourself off that s**t day by day, weak by weak, month by month until your brain is rewired again to what it once was when you were at peace. Therefore whatever you do, alongside running, preferably has to be s**t (in my opinion anyway, others will differ believing exciting video games can take the place of gambling. To me that's just methadone for heroin and its only a matter of time before you're back on the real, sweet junk.) Find that boring s**t SA, run with it and give your brain a chance to repair itself.
Anyway, good luck SA, remember you are living in a capitalistic world where everyone wants a piece of you, if you choose to openly give it without a fight then at the end of the day you deserve every miserable consequence, yet if you choose to at least keep fighting then there is something quite heroic about that for as I said earlier, the odds have been stacked against you from day 1.
Read the book SA, your life is almost a mirror image of George Orwell's. By understanding the system, you'll eventually find solutions whilst avoiding the pitfalls.
Thanks for your thoughts on loneliness subject. I think i understand what you're putting accross..just need to accept it and be maybe more kinder to myself. ...and that is not gonna come come through addictions huh.
You're very intelligent man. Also very inspiring and so honest its hard to find people like you around...thank you for being you.
I hope your day is going well for you.
My sister's bday next week also and i have similar struggles to you. I am always scared to dissapoint her and so...that means i will be forking out quite a lot of my hard earned to please her on her birthday...where for me...a honest chat, a hug and few hours spent in her company would be the best present ever..be "present" fpr a few moments.. however we are all different in this world and that is also ok.
Have a good day, be kind to you
Thanks all. I do think about what you all say x
Strange day all in all. I found my bus pass eventually and believe me that was a bit of stress relief. Its a long long walk to work and back.
As for gambling there was a time when I didn't struggle.... recovery seemed straight forward. I got close to 3 years with not a penny gambled. But the last 3 to 4 years have been dreadful ever since I started gambling online and then even when i blocked myself from doing that the bookies became my poison. It is what it is.
I left work not long ago. On my last call i thought the little old lady was going to die on me. Ive supported her for a long time. She is lovely but now very frail. She could hardly walk and I literally had to teach her how to drink water so she could swallow her tablets. This is supposed to be independant living but some people require nursing care. Families often don't want there loved one to go into nursing care as is the case here. I says to the lady as i settled her into bed... "your husband is waiting for you".. she smiles.. she knows her time is close. I says to her.. come and let me know what the "other side" is like.. again she smiles. I sense that tonight might be her time. It certainly puts one's life into perspective when you work with people who are dying....Ive maybe got another 50 years ahead of me. My grandads lived into there 90's, no reason to see why it might not be that way for me, as long as i don't do something daft because of gambling. Whilst I have made my life difficult for myself.. it doesn't mean to say that it will always be that way. I have the ability to change if I want it badly enough.
Thanks for listening.
Oh wow...dear SA.. what an amazing post! Would like to read how the lady is..and hoping she is still with us....
Hope you're well. Do you still keep up with runs? I nearly messaged you today to see if it was really you on the front page regarding marathons 😉.. i thought to myself how nice and just shows the commitment you have...
Anyway, proud of you..keep moving on..day at a time
Take care and all the best
Well as it turned out I was wrong about this little old lady having reached the end of her life. All that's happened is that she has got a little more frail and she has to use a wheelchair for everything. Its amazing how resilient the human body can be. People whom you think won't last the week then go on for another couple of years. Having said that you can have seemingly fit and healthy people whom just drop dead of a heart attack or something... no rhyme nor reason sometimes.
To answer Freda's question. Does seeing people t the end of their lives strengthen your resolve to bring about positive change?... I guess you mean positive change within me... and I suppose the simple answer to that is no. Over the years ive worked with some of the most challenging and profoundly disabled people of all ages and in that sense "acheived" a great deal in helping, supporting and generally being kind to others... but it hasn't stopped me gambling, it hasn't stopped me being self-destructive. Am still very much a work in progress when it comes to being good to myself. Which begs the question....
What will i do differently this month when i get paid?... anything, nothing?... cos it really is a very hard month just now in just meeting my basic needs. I jumped for joy (not really) when I came across a loaf of my favourite bread for just 21p.. but then that didn't last long. Am so active and in the colder weather that I eat alot and I can quite easilly get through a whole loaf of bread in 1 day. It scares me the thought of going hungry and you'd think that that thought would motivate me to stay stopped but history says that it doesn't. Iv'e already filled my online basket ready for payday. Never again do I want completely empty cupboards. The classic sign of an addict. Am told that everyone will be going over to weekly pay... this will be a good thing for me.
Thanks for listening
Well I walked to work and back yesterday in the cold and rain, saved myself £3 and bought food with it. Also I got a few pounds after making the effort to bag up a bunch of jeans and shirts and go to a cash for clothes shop. So the long and the short of it is that I will not go hungry up until my coming pay day. Am now 22 days without a gamble
Thanks for listening
Well ive already been up for more than an hour. Went to bed early and actually slept so even though its still silly o'clock I feel fairly awake. Am walking to work again. I think am gonna be lucky with the weather... the rain has just pushed through. In walking I will save myself a few quid again and get some more food on the way home. I like to eat.
Am a bit worried about my mate, he's gone to ground again. I think he's put his phone into cash converters again... which means he's blown his money again. Its a pathetic life being a compulsive gambler.
No gambling for me... have a good day folks as i try to do the same.
Who said food! I love food so we would do good if meet up! Lol...
Glad you're moving forward SA...not easy but doable eh. Please stay kind to you, these little positive actions will amount to the life you so deserve. Big and lovely colourful, fulfilling picture..life on it's terms.
Not perfect but wayyy more rewarding than the former gambling misery.
Look after you ok. Hugs