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Lucy2
(@lucy2)

HI Hon

Saw your post on OPG gambling. Hope you didn`t think I was against your words as for me once a gambler always a gambler sits with me as in teh end that is what I am and in a way feels good to know that. lol infact makes me grown up and sensible as I am being honest..

Knowing what we know and seeing that can only help us along the way. i know I am a compulsive gambler so there is only 2 choice for me 1) gamble - Life over - or- 2) enjoy recovery - life begins..

Hope you are doing ok tody with the work stuff that is going on and you are in a place where you want to be with it xx

I joined a gym a few montsh agon - went only 3 times. Funny after reading your post yesterday me and Hubby are going to join together - no tie ins so am looking forward to us doing something we can enjoy together...

The last 3 years have been all worth it, take a step back and see who you was then and who you are now.. Hope you are now smiling xxx

Take Care

Love

Lucy

xxxx

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Posted : 16th June 2008 2:33 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Thank you Lucy.. I hear your thoughts and they have helped me... helped to settle me.. helped me to stay with the forum and continue with my journal.

Go for it re the gym 🙂

By the way I don't mind if your against my words anyway..thats fine. For me most of the time if I read something that i disagree with or if it felt like a personal attack then i am able to ignore it and not let it work me up into a lather. However yesterday I didnt do that but as you say when i "take a step back" as i am now I can see that it wasnt peoples remarks that got me wound up..it was ME that got me wound up. And I got wound up pure and simple because i am not in good headspace at the moment. I feel very unhappy in my place of work and i need to move on.

The good thing about all this though is that i am not using it as an excuse to go off and gamble. i can live with my unhappiness without making it worse by gambling. As a last thought I am going to think more carefully before posting elsewhere. I think that arguments break out on the forum not so much concerning what people say rather than how they say it. when I say something its simply what i feel at that moment in time..doesnt mean to say its right.

Despite everything I have no urges to gamble today.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th June 2008 9:03 pm
Anna1
(@anna1)

Hi SA. Sorry I'm a bit belated in my welcoming you to the forum. Have just caught up on your new members post and here as well. I'm Lucy's "sis" Anna, and saw your post in OPG as well. I love what you wrote here about fights breaking out here because of how people say things. It is so very true. People here often say things thoughtlessly without a care to how they might affect people's feelings, and it really gets to me sometimes. But, like you said, it is ME getting wound up, and then I have to take a step back. Makes perfect sense.

I also know how you feel about being in a bad headspace at the moment. It makes it hard to move forward sometimes, doesn't it? I hope you are able to resolve your work issues and find a job that will make your life happier. We all deserve that in life...

Anyway, just wanted to wish you a warm and belated welcome...

Love, Anna

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Posted : 17th June 2008 3:47 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Hello Anna and thank you for your warm welcome. Just to follow on from your thoughts.. I notice that my stress levels have fallen a little today and consequently other peoples behaviour is bothering me less. For me their is a direct correlation between my stress and my feeling negative stuff towards/about others..deflection. The frustrating part of it though is that often i do not realise this at the time..its only when my stress reduces that i can see that its not others its ME. I try to learn... its just that sometimes my emotional brain gets the better of me i think. I spose its a little like being overwhelmed by the emotional rollercoaster of gambling when in action. For me it was only well after the event that i was fully able to tune in with the consequnces of my actions. it was like I had been hijacked by a part of me i had no control over..not that i make excuses. We/I have choices at any point.

Anyway another gambling free day passes.

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Posted : 17th June 2008 11:30 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Well..here I am..once again another day of mixed emotions. I feel sadness. I feel fatigue. I feel stress. But I am not gambling. all for today I think.

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Posted : 18th June 2008 9:40 pm
Anna1
(@anna1)

((Starting)),

I don't know about you, but for me, gambling was a way to hide from my emotions, and once I stopped, the emotions that overwhelmed me were just terrifying to deal with. But, in time they seem to stabilize a little bit, so hang in there. Sounds clique, so forgive me, but it really is true. I'm sending big hugs your way from across the ocean.....

Love, Anna

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Posted : 18th June 2008 11:25 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Hi anna..yes agree..absolutely. And to be honest I do feel very proud of myself that in the last 5 years or so.. I can count the number of times I have gambled on the fingers of one hand. This is in the context of having been a daily gambling (and I do mean every day) for several years. So when i think about my slip a few weeks ago and put it onto that context.. my recovery is still very much on track. I can cope with my emotions without resorting to gambling most of the time.

I slep quite well last night..I feel on a level today. Off to work soon.. I will do my best to make today a good day. Regards to all who read this.

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Posted : 19th June 2008 10:53 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Im feel tired and rather depressed.. I spose I shouldnt with the weekend approaching and all that, but at this moment in time I feel down in the dumps. I think perhaps after a good nights sleep I will be fine. Again I had the oppurtunity to go and sink some beer with a friend but decided wisely not to.

In the past I would have had 3 or 4 beers after work and then made my excuses to go off and gamble or spent half the night on the beer and ended up on some fruit machine and then also gone gambling the follow day to get a high to cope with the hangover. I do this no more. Most of the time I choose carefully whether its ok for me to have a few drinks depending on how i am feeling. Today i did not feel good so I did not drink. A wise choice i think.

Anyway..no urges to gamble today..recovery continues

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Posted : 20th June 2008 10:30 pm
Anna1
(@anna1)

(((SA)))

I'm so sorry that you're feeling low right now. Again, big hugs from across the ocean. I know it doesn't help much, but it's all I can do from here except be your friend.

Knowing your limits as far as when you can go out and drink and when you can't is an amazing acheivement, I'd say. It takes a lot of people a long time to recognize that.

I hope that you get out and do at least one fun thing for yourself this weekend sweetie. It might help.

Love, Anna

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Posted : 20th June 2008 11:08 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Thanks Anna.. your supporting thoughts caused a small smile to develope 🙂 ta

I slept well last night..so am feeling more on a level today..I shall see how the day pans out.

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Posted : 21st June 2008 11:28 am
Anna1
(@anna1)

Ahh, I can almost see it .... there it is .... a tiny *** of a small smile .... wait, wait, it's starting to grow, just a bit ......... 🙂

Hope your Saturday has improved by leaps and bounds. Mine is just getting started, as it's only 9 a.m. here in the U.S. I'm planning to get my dad's yard edged and mowed today if it doesn't rain. Exciting times! LOL.

Love and hugs,

Anna

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Posted : 21st June 2008 3:57 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Thanks for dropping in Anna and yes I still have a little smile on my face 🙂 Hope your enjoying your mowing and gardening.. good for recovery and all that 🙂

I think part of the reason that I have a bit of a smile on my face is that I have made a decision.. a decision in principle but a decision nonetheless. Now this is progress for me..independant decision making dont come that easy for me lol.. cant make up my mind about alot of things... I think its probably a confidence thing.. having the confidence in myself to just follow through on what maybe good for me.. without in some way having to get the approval of someone else. Not sure if this is making sense.

But anyway..my decision is to resign from my job..not straight away but fairly soon..whether i have another job to go to or not. I have felt alot of stress related to my work and working environment over a long period of time.. this I feel was a major factor that led to my slip/relapse whatever i/we want to call it. The thing is my recovery has to come first. As a friend of mine said to me today... "its a question of survival". For me to return to full on compulsive gambling which would surely happen if my stress levels stay at current levels may well be the end for me. Am not sure that i would have the strength of character to pull myself out of any big whole that I might create for myself.

Anyway so there we go..the decision is made for all to read on this public forum. In a way it kind of helps me to tell the world because in some way that kind of sets it stone... its written confirmation that what I have decided to do i will follow through on.

I am going to speak to a few trusted souls about the timing of this all and start to make efforts to find new work. i think that if it takes me a while to find a new job..then thats ok... its summer I will cope..and thanks to being almost entirely gambling free over the last 3.5 years i have some savings.

This evening I managed 8.12 km in 45 minutes on the tread mill. this is my best distance for a 45 min run... am most pleased with myself 🙂 anyway am starting to ramble so i will stop for today. Regards to all who read this.

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Posted : 21st June 2008 9:18 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Well.. 4 weeks today since my slip/relapse.. no gambling since then.. and no troublesome urges either. I am stressed though..just not feeling like going into work tomorrow. I will though..its often the case that once i am actually their its ok..its just that transition between home and work. Ive written my resignation but am going to sit in it for a while. Ive also been updating my CV. If I had some sense of what is to follow..work wise.. I would not hesitate to resign..but I dont. I need to put effort into searching for new work and new oppurtunities. I am known to procrastinate.. am not very proactive..struggle with motivation.

Ive had this before when i wasnt working. I lost confidence in myself quite quickly which then made it more difficult to get back into work. Once in work I am conscientious and hard working but I need to be careful in the decisions i make over the next few weeks so i dont set myself up for a fall. I am feeling rather uneasy and unsure in myself this evening. It helps me to write this down.

I have always suffered with low self-esteem. In some ways i know that i am a highly capable individual but often i sell myself short. No doubt my gambling filled that gap between the reality and the expectation that I put upon myself. I am self-aware but sometimes i wonder whether ignorance is bliss. Regards to all who read this.

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Posted : 22nd June 2008 11:43 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

I feel.. drained..emotionally drained at this moment in time after such a promising start to the day. I'd slept well and was on my own in work for some hours and I got so much done and felt so chilled out but as the day went on I found myself getting irritated by this and that and the other. I don't know whats wrong with me at the moment.

It is 29 days since my slip and no real urges to gamble.. but their is a part of me that feels as if I am a bet waiting to happen. I walk around with a resignation letter sitting in my bag. I am stressed. I am taking life very much one day at a time at the moment.

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Posted : 23rd June 2008 9:13 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

A difficult day.. I feel emotionally all over the place. But its one month today since my slip and no gambling in that time.. well done to me 🙂

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Posted : 24th June 2008 10:49 pm
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