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gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

@freda 

Hi

In my recovery there were many people who had trust issues and lived in their fears.

Isolation anger and huge fears indicated that people are not ready for any kind of relationships, they are not yet healed enough .

Rejection was a big issue for me, it indicated that persons had hurt many times and in their life, I understand that they were not healthy for any kind of intimacy.

Do not take it personally having friends requests ignored or not responded to.

When people look filled with fear when I talk to them, in the past I was very suspicious to people being nice or kind to me, my instant reactions what are they after. 

I was not use to people being free of fears.

I do hope you get the growth on your gland resolved.

I could not care or love other people until I could care or love myself.

And for me in truth intimacy was all part of the healing process for me.

I both wants and need a healthy nurturing intimacy in my life today.

In the past I expected intimacy in my life with people who were filled with fears and mistrust issues.

In being my recovery I both see and feel myself in other people, the healthy and the unhealthy parts..

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th March 2022 12:15 am
freda
(@freda)

I feel so weary from dealing with toxic people. I don't need advice about boundaries, don't let them get to you, blah, blah,blah. It's not helpful.

What I am offloading about, is how MANY of them there are. Just people who get nasty if you give them the gentlest of boundaries, who exploit and take advantage of people, who lie and deceive. Of course I can just keep the odd person at arms length, get on with it, not let it get me down. But my word, I'm getting to the point where I'm reluctant to communicate with anyone I don't already know. I'd like to be optimistic and feel most people are really lovely but the evidence is not bearing that out. 

 

Yes, I know that toxic people are like that because they are very damaged. I can have compassion for that. I just want  to communicate with a decent number of reasonable other humans, who are just decent people. I'm so drained by other people's P**P at the moment. I feel angry today and fed up.

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 11th March 2022 11:01 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Hiya, I hear what you say.

Iv'e come across my fare share of toxic people over the years, usually in a work environment. cos I simply don't know many people outside of work.

I think the only solution (once I have identified that they affect me in a negative way) is to simply avoid them. I'd rather be alone than around persons whom I feel stressed being around. I think that's why I moan about work quite alot, cos sometimes I don't have a choice.

Anyway I hope that your feeling different from how you felt when you wrote your post.

Take care... S.A x

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Posted : 17th March 2022 7:52 am
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

@s-687 

Hi

Hiya, I hear what you say.

I do not use the wording toxic people, I understand that they are very unhealthy people who have not found a healthy healing process.

Some very unhealthy people will try and transfer their pains fears and frustrations on to us.

Some might know what they are doing yet more often try to justify their unhealthy action and words.

There were even in the recovery who thought that abstaining was the only thing they had to do.

So I decided to not take their emotional baggage on board and to just smile at them.

After 2 - 3 times they gave up trying to dump their stuff on to me.

There are occasions people are jealous of the level of our recovery and feel they are not able to find peace with in them self.

The serenity prayers helps us understand that we are not responsible for other people who are not able to invest time and effort in to their own recovery.

In time we learn more about how to deal with the very unhealthy people. 

It is important to understand that intimacy nurturing and encouragement are a big part of our healing process.

To become more nurturing and encouraging towards our self.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th March 2022 5:40 pm
freda
(@freda)

Thanks, Dave. That makes sense.

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 17th March 2022 11:26 pm
freda
(@freda)

Thanks guys,

SA - it's one of the biggest areas of encountering these people, for me. My workplace is not very supportive. No-one has time to encourage you, teach you properly, you're just dumped in it and left to get on with it. I feel this is too challenging alongside my mental health problems. The thing that makes me feel fear, is that I believe most work places are like this now. 

 

It's fine if you're a confident, resilient young person who can take it all in their stride, or whose body is at least young enough to field the stress. 

 

I think at the time, I was in that head space due to chatting to men, in an attempt to meet someone to date. Thing is, I worked out - because I'm quite good at spotting inconsistencies and bee ess, it means I can chat with up to a dozen terrible, terrible, men in one day. I felt saturated at that moment and incredibly frustrated because those people just waste everyone's time. An example of one of them, was he said he saw his daughter "when he could manage it" because he lives about 20 miles away from her. It's not always as easy as popping round the corner. Do you know what city she lives in?! the same one as me. Why would I waste my time speaking to someone who a) cannot be bothered to make time for his own child, OR take responsibility for the 50% of parenting that child, which is his, or b) is he implying meeting someone for a date, would be more motivating for him, therefore he'd make more effort to see a partner? in which case he is the type of person who cannot prioritise the needs of his child, above his own? Either way, no interest in that guy. BUT it wastes quite a bit of your time chatting to them, figuring out that they are very damaged people, seemingly incapable of showing love, in an appropriate way.

Men often complain that they don't want a pen pal in dating profiles. We just don't want to waste our time or even one evening, meeting someone with very poor behavioural or moral standards. We don't want to go through the nerves and vulnerability of getting ready, doing our make up, wondering if we look OK, hoping we will be safe from harm, with this person - all for a waste of space.

So, that's one rant over. I need to get tougher with myself, regarding self-employment and moving forward with it. It's lack of confidence in my ability that is holding me back but I know I have a better chance of success, as master of my own ship, with no-one being nasty or taking advantage or making me feel uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, I'd still need a regular part-time income from my other job but I've a feeling it would begin to build something that can one day be more sustaining for me. 

I'm just full of fear and sadness, today. With a side order of loneliness. I willsit with these feelings while realising there's stuff I need to focus on that can make my own world better.

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 25th March 2022 5:04 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Hiya... interesting to read your thoughts. Must admit I signed up to tinder after watching "TInderswindler" on Netflix. More out of curiosity than anything. After spending a while swiping right on pretty ladies pictures whom had obviously made an effort to look their best, I then couldn't work out how to actually have a conversation with any of them.. so they could see how shallow and uninteresting I actually was lol... so i gave up. Probably a lot of the men you end up chatting to are the "players" of this world, the ones who have the natural self confidence to try and say what they think women want to hear. You are wise to these ways.

I enjoy reading your thoughts. I find myself nodding along. I relate to much of it. I have no answers.

Take care.. S.A  

ReplyQuote
Posted : 31st March 2022 10:29 am
marco1
(@marco1)

Hi Freda,   I can relate to the isolation. Ive gambled with my wife since we have been married. Its not a healthy activity, gambling even with someone is quite isolating in itself.

I'm  now planning my activities out for the day ahead and looking for new hobbies and groups to join and hopefully make some friends. 

Glad to hear that counsellor is good. There are some bad ones about. I once seen a counsellor for depression ,he seemed more depressed than I did.

That fridge full of food can be a reminder of why you chose not to gamble.

I wish you all the best in recovery, 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st April 2022 8:22 pm
freda
(@freda)

Thanks, marco.

I don't find much point, in this forum anymore. I've been heavily censored in the past, for reasons I still don't understand. It doesn't feel fit for purpose. 

Other members have openly judged me for choices I've made, regarding physical intimacy with others. That is not cool with me, either. I am totally up for someone saying "I think you need to take things slower, as it's the only way to know for sure, that a person is genuine and honest in their intentions towards you". That's proper solid, healthy, advice. Trying to shame someone or call them "loose" is not. Not cool at all. Only way I can assert this boundary on a forum, is to not talk about my personal life at all. You'll have to fulfil your sense of moral superiority, elsewhere.

Anyway, the one, remaining, function my diary did serve, is to list positive things I have done, so I'm going to occasionally post these, as a resource to remind myself and have a positive focus. 

1) I went to my first GA meeting in real-life last night

2) I overcame fears to do this. I made myself vulnerable. It went well. My encounters of GA people online, had put me off. I trust these people to not be cruel, when challenging me, or encouraging me to be accountable. I've met some real GA wangs, online. They do not seem to be in attendance at my local meeting. Praise be!

3) I went to the gym, yesterday. It was very hard to push through the tiredness. It felt good that I did.

4) I got back onto my diet. I've been struggling, lately, to stay strong, in the multiple ways life seems to be requiring. I continue to do my best, one day at a time.

5) I cut my grass, this morning.

6) I hung out some laundry.

7) I reached out for some emotional support, online today. The person was very kind. It was helpful.

8) My thyroid treatment appears to have worked and I am feeling better.

9) I arranged to get a healthcheck done, in time, so I don't run out of a hormone pill that is helping me with menopause symptoms.

10) I dealt well with an unwanted romantic advance from someone at work. He was appropriate and respectful, it was good to experience a man being this way. We seem to have a lot in common, I know him better now and no-one became alienated or offended. It's a shame, as I think we could be good buddies but in my experience, it's not good to try and be buddies when there is attraction on one side. It's unkind on the other's emotions.

 

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 26th May 2022 2:20 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

Hi

In my past I also was censored in the past on different web sites, it is there boundary settings.

In me taking these things personnally I am hurting myself.

In time I needed to have boundary settings for my own porotection.

I need to learn to not rush at things and take things slower, to have more patience and tolerance with myself.

Recovery is not a race it is for the long term haul.

If a person is healthy genuine and honest in their intentions towards you they will adjust to your patience and tolerance with myself.

Yet is it often suggested that people are not ready for deep intinate realtonships untill their hurt inner child is completely healed.

I can not get the world to adjust to adjust to my set boundaries.

THtat is w the serenity prayer comes in to play.

The function of a diary serve is to reduce our fears and our trsut to grow.

Going to my first GA meeting was over coming my fears and helping me see my self in other people.

By attending meetings my fears reduced and I got to know myself more.

Not all people in meetings are healthy yet.

Not all people in meetings are not respectful or tolerant.

Being in the meetings is about being honest to myself.

Going to the gym, is healthy and helps us stay focused but to not push our self to hard.

Healthy slow growth but not obsessive.

Healthy balance.

Keeping to a diet is healthy and looking after your self and respecting your body.

To continue to do your best is very healthy, one day at a time.

I cut my grass, yesterday.

I have not reached laundry as yet that is a rainy day thing.

Reaching out for some emotional support is asking for help to help your self.

Getting some one to do things for us when we should do it our self is important.

Learn to be self sufficient.

Looking after your thyroid treatment is self care and self respect.

To get healthcheck done, is self care and self respect.

Setting a boundary from a place of peace is healthy.

How much more can we do for our self.

What are our goals today.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26th May 2022 4:34 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Morning @freda

It's great that you have something positive to focus on, it's a great way to ground yourself and keep yourself focused on what's important. 

Please do continue to use the forum as your posts are engaging and so many people will relate to them. Please remember that you can report posts if you feel they are inappropriate or disrespectful, as posts of this nature would break the rules of the forum. 

Thanks, 

Ben, 

Forum Admin

ReplyQuote
Posted : 27th May 2022 12:58 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Hiya Freda,

Just been reading your thoughts. Sorry if some of my comments have touched a nerve at times. Sometimes I find myself musing on other peoples relationships because am a bit of a solitary soul. Sometimes I might come across as insensitive and not even realise.

I love the list of positive things.

Warm regards.. S.A 🙂

ReplyQuote
Posted : 27th May 2022 12:27 pm
freda
(@freda)

Not at all, SA. You offer things in a respectful way and I've never took offence. I don't mind people disagreeing with me. It's good!

 

Last night was a flipping rollercoaster. I don't trust my employer not to put me in vulnerable positions, as it has happened before. There weren't enough people scheduled last night, so it looked like they might have done it again. I'm supposed to be excused from working on 12 self-scan torture devices at once, cos it overwhelms me. I got really angry and disregulated and was scared I'd be asked to do it, anyway. Either risk my mental health, or look like a selfish bad guy. Didn't come to that. Glad I've developed the ability to contain my anger, as I turned out to be mistaken, on this occasion - even though it was understandable, why I felt that way. I do somewhat wish I'd got less angry, though, as it made work harder and would have been better if I hadn't ranted so openly at a colleague, who is not my boss but it's not great to vent those strong feelings so candidly.

I got home to find my diary was gone. Searched for it and found it was "awaiting moderation". Again, felt attacked and very tempted to write an angry email to gamcare demanding to know why I was being treated this way. I left it, however. I awoke to find it was back and un-censored. 

This is following a theme, which I'm trying to "wire in" as a new way of being. Not reacting in the moment, when emotion is high. It's really hard but I keep reinforcing how much better things turn out, when I don't. 

There's a thing in the orange GA book, which I felt unsure of. It says something to the effect of "Just for today, I will not show if my feelings have been hurt, if they are hurt, I will not show it". Didn't sit right, the first time I read it. Sounds a bit unhealthy, on the surface. However, in both of my instances yesterday, it paid off. Was for my greater good. Maybe there's wisdom in it. 

Cheers, Dave. Yeah, I'm in the process of re-learning a healthy balance. I was dismissed and invalidated completely in my childhood. Virtually no positive praise at all at home. So, I became very defiant of people who tried to dismiss me or tell me I'm not valid. It's understandable and part of the process, I guess - but it can come off as a lack of humility, too. So, trying to find healthier balance.

Said I wouldn't post about how I felt, again but suddenly there's a whole page of it! Anyway, back to my intentions for coming back:

1) I got angry at work, last night but managed to get through the shift without showing it so much that I harmed myself. I did not get fired! I felt angry enough to get myself fired but I controlled it and still functioned.

2) I am making changes in the right direction - it would be great to develop more patience and trust but I acknowledge I'm better than I used to be.

3) I did a tannoy, last night. I don't feel confident that I will do a good job at work but I did a tannoy and didn't mess it up. This was strong of me, considering the way I'd been feeling.

4) Someone deleted our conversation on a dating app, last night. I was disappointed. However, I accepted it calmly. I wondered if the person had got insecure and offended that I hadn't replied all night. I reminded myself that I have done the same thing. I reflected that it was a form of lashing out or acting in anger and that it had cost me opportunities to develop potential relationships. I concluded it was sad for both of us, if he had acted this way too, that we were both hurting ourselves with our insecurity. Accepted I will never know and let it go.

5) I sat in meditation for 30 minutes, yesterday. 

6) I did my student loan deferment today.

7) I posted my brother's birthday card, on time, yesterday.

8) I slept well.

9) I got the opportunity to talk out my feelings today, without affecting anyone else negatively (there was only me in chat) and I took it. It helped.

10) I have done more laundry.

 

ReplyQuote
Topic starter Posted : 27th May 2022 2:26 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

Hi

In time we face our fears and our cofidence builds up.

For me the consequences of high levels of fears was panicking which was an unhealthy way to be.

It was important for me to set boundaries and speak up for myself from a place of peace.

I am not concerned about awaiting moderation it is just people looking out to keep this web site a safer place.

For me to write an angry email to any one could mean I say some thing I regret laer one.

Always best to think things out before reacting in such unhealthy ways.

The recovery program helped me understand that reacting in unhealthy ways to the moment was not very healthy for me to do.

Just for today, I will think things over before reacting in my anger.

For me learning a healthy balance to not be obsessive yet be motivated in healthy ways.

If I do some thing for to long I question if I am being obsessive.

No matter how excited I am to have breaks and think things out.

I was emotionally vulnerable in my childhood it was a very painful time.

Pains did nto get healed in those days so as an adult I needed to learn to heal my pains in a slow healthy way.

I to became very defiant and relellious they told me to do some thing I would do the opposite.

My anger was an indciator that my pains of my inner child were not healed.

I could only be more patience and tolerant with other once I was moremore patience and tolerant with myself.

Accepted things calmlyis very healthy and mature, that is progress.

Yes lashing out and reacting in my anger that little child lashing out.

It is very important to heal our self frist of all before developing potential relationships.

Have freinds you build up realtionships with in time.

But best not to rush in at things you are not ready for.

Yes our insecurity indicates fear is still there.

Once we get to know our self better and heal then we can face new realtionships.

You sat in meditation for 30 minutes, yesterday, that is healthy.

You did your student loan deferment today, that is healthy.

You posted my brother’s birthday card, on time, yesterday, that is healthy and shows you care.

You slept well, that is healthy.

You have done more laundry, that is healthy.

I need to do mine soon and get my a*s in to gear.

I am picking up compast today at 11.00am who would ahev though I wuld get excited at collectiing compast, how sad am I today.

Recently I took our front porch a aprt I fitted more joists and stripped down planks and treated the deck out well.

That is the very first time in my life at doing that.

Over many years I have bought tools with the intention of doing bigger jobs.

Buying tools was an invetment in to myself.

Recovery and healing pains was all about investing far more time in to myself.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 27th May 2022 3:27 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)

Hi

Yes I was a solitary soul a loner whos life was filled with my fears.

By being in therapies I got to know myself better and how I can make changes as to how I feel about my life today.

Often people feel guilty and ashamed having said or done some unhealthy things.

Once we are seriously in to our recovery we understdn that we were very unhealthy people who could not cope with life and realtionships.

A healthy sponsor will demonstrate nurturing and encouragement through healthy chats and interactions.

It is very important to amke a telephone call before we get tempted back to having that first bet.

A healthy sponsor will demonstrate patience and tolerance.

A healthy sponsor will not take any responsability for your progress or your new found healthy habits.

Being aloner only indicated how much pain and fear I was not healing or dealing with in ahealthy way.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

ReplyQuote
Posted : 27th May 2022 3:48 pm
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