...

Thanks SA!!!i slept really well! Not sure if its something to do with new mattress ?..i was out till almost 5pm..yup, ya read it right!!

Diary,

I am going a bit crazy with spending. I spend daily..but...just listen...i spend on myself! First time in my life i feel i put my wellbeing first..ok...almost £400 out but i got new mattress, bedside lamp (really clever touch screen one lol), kitchen table & chairs, new duvet and pillows! ..it is all going for my wellbeing..which i neglected for so long!

I don't think i will develop shopping addiction as i am not really interested in purchasing stuff...these felt like essentials..really did! ?...

Something is deffo shifting in me.

Im almost "on a go" at work and looking into things...i am "present" and alert..in a way happy with life..almost excited..its like being in love! I guess you all know the feeling..mine is not a person...but life itself!

Right...shift was ok..did fall out with colleague a bit which meant silent 3hrs till end of shift. ?..i may of been wrong but i think he was also! I am "follow policy" freak so maybe that's where we clash. Sure will talk and resolve it next week!

Its time for sleeps again and one more nighter ahead...maybe..just maybe, i started to spend my hard earned the right way ?..i truly hope i do!

Stay safe all, God bless & g'night!

S&B xx

Hi diary,

A bit late off today. Things went pear shape ?..but alls good! Bk in one piece and shall take that!

Happy to have a few days breather now! Not sure what i will do but anything is better than work after 75 hours there in past week!..earned my kitchen table and bits and bobs for my sleep so...happy S indeed! 

No urges...i am still on strange high...maybe cause i go go go and have no time to think. Woke up appaling 5pm again yesterday ???‍♀️ ( told ya that matress is life saviour!!)..by 7pm i was out for a nighter once again......tell ya, this is crazy stuff as i truly am on autopilot!..so tonight...nice cooked meal & Netflix...was told of a good series "don't f**k with cats"..not for everyone's nerves i guess but shall give it a go! Like a bit of investigation!

Off to bed again and today is a short one as got stuff coming in early aft! Sure lil girl will be pleased tho to have me up & bright (can hope) early!!

Stay safe all, G'night diary ??

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Has it been 2 days?time just flies!

That's all i have to say really..been busy...getting new stuff in the house, getting rid of old! Maybe new begginings?

Sleeping like a log! God bless new matress and bedding!

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hiya x

I woosh I was sleeping like a log. I wake up in my darkened room and I ask Alexa what the time is and the cow says "The time is 2.06 a.m"...never "8.06 a.m" and then I wake again and she says "The time is 3.41 a.m"... she's a cow, wakes me up deliberately I reckon lol 🙂

Have a good day... ta ra 🙂

Haha SA...i have no Alexa ?..just annoying alarm which i tend to snooze for 5 mins!

Last few days have been extremely busy! Cant wait for a week off after next week..im working, and working some more on sister's new property...basically, am busy at least 17hrs a day and its quite physical work..the rest is for food & sleep. A bit of a routine..not sure where i take energy from really!

Lovely and snowy outside..not so nice to drive in it but i started to master it so not all that frightening. Nearly crashed work car tho ?..told boss who told me to stay in the office as much as i can so i avoid travels lol...easy for him to say, when i most certainly HAVE to go out at least once an hour!

All the rest..same old..continue to put weight on on these chops! Almost forgot gym and just gave up on my body really. Besides too tired for excersice..east more tho lol..no wonder i pile kgs on!

Am writing this after yet another 17hrs day...so...best go and rest me thinks..

Ps.got new sofa & kitchen table. Am away from home this week so not even sure if i got delivery!

No gambling....and on that note..peace out, stay safe all!?????

S&B xx

Hiya

Its me that's piling the weight on. Unable to get my fat thighs out for a run in the cold. The most I can do at the moment is a longish walk to Tesco to buy food for fatso's (that's me lol)

Whilst the snow is pretty to look at, the cold is starting to bother me. I want spring warmth and I want it now! 😉

Drive safe and keep safe.

S.A x

Thanks SA! Replied haha..

Diary, 

Laugh through tears really. Im shattered. Really busy with everything recently and started to see that red 'STOP' sign now. I go round the wheel like a hamster ...(i actually lost 2 kg even feel like gained weight ?). My body aches, i know i reached my limits...and do hope i can put breaks on! Cannot see it as sis needs a lit more help...but will try to slow down a little...full time work plus extra 3-4hrs to help out physically does take its tool!

Work has been stressful last few days. Its just piling up like no tomorrow. Fully expecting a complaint my way...not sure if deserve it but must agree that i wasn't as compassionate as expected as lost my s**t a bit. ...in professional manner i must add.

Then...then, i missed my counselling session as was busy with work! So now she is peed off with me same as i am with myself..but again,..priorities huh! I put work first...even if counselling to do with work and slot should be allocated for that..well...nevermind..it just slipped my mind whilst the world was turning 100mph...

Next...they cancelled my table order cause two goes were unsuccessful as i was not at home to collect it! Fair enough..i have chairs..will eat with plate on my lap!

Other than all the above...lil girl swiped me off my feet yesterday ? literally! She was running towards me..slipped..went on her side and wiped me out also as a result ?..i still love snow and icy stuff!! Bless her lil paws...seeing her ever so excited having a run made my day...or two...or the whole month! I LOVE HER TO PIECES and cannot say it enough ❤

On this last note which warmed my heart ans made the troubles dissapear, i shall check out......just for today.

No gambling.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Another day gone. What a BUSY day it was. Felt like im the only one on shift AND had to think for two! Really draining...

But its done and dusted and no point crying over it. ..another one tom to go..and then another lol....i seriously don't know what day it is and recently feel all i do is work work work. I will have a week off in a week's time so time to have a breather. I guess that im not at home plays some part in this, as i don't feel in my space..but this had to be done few considerations given.

2 people bluntly lied to me today. I hate lies...truly do and it just sends me off on one. Boss soaked my rants (like a sponge) so all is good again now ?..like my boss, he is alright..scared of me (my resting b*tch face) but we have a good laugh and banter too!..you have to laugh at my place else you will go mental!

That's it. Nothing else. No other issues to report! Apart for feeling skint in bank acc and fat in physical appearance lol

Stay safe all!

S&B xx

Skint and fat... that just about somes me up to! 😉

Yeah ya gotta laugh. Iv'e just been rediculously open with my boss and now I feel scared of her... well sort of!

Your week off just around the corner. Summit to look forward to

S.A x

Hi SA..thanks a lot! I don't have energy to look at your entry but i will..and im sure standing for yourself is only a good thing....unless you tell them to f***f...and in split second apologise lol...welcome to my world!!?

Diary,

What a week it has been! Busy busy busy..i ache physically and a lil mentally but sure i can sort it out.....im bk home - finally & what a mess here! House is like a ice cube..and guess what...yup..no heating or electric on my return..not sure what swallows that balance as i leave everything switched off when i go ?

Tired..really am...but have to be up in few again..i need to stop but i struggle to find brakes for the past two weeks...c'mon S....pls find those breaks ....else you will burn out!!

No gambling.

Ummm..spoke about suicides recently..... i tend to go quiet on subject (me feeling this way more than once) but i also make myself loud & clear - there is always a way out! It is. ...and it only takes split second of clear mind to see it .....saves your life ya know..

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Thinking about thoughts today. Human's mindest is quite mind blowing huh

Did anyone counted how many thoughts passing through our heads in a day!? Aha! Madness huh...half of the thoughts we dont even aknowledge because they are simply not meaningful.

It all starts with a thought. I always knew that but i never managed to figure out how to deal with them. Is thought a fact? Nope..its our perception of it. Its what we tell ourselves. When you strip a thought down (usually after it created emotion & behaviour as a result) you realise that very little is a fact. ...and the rest of unnecessary rollercoaster we go through is our own creation.

Let's say ...an urge right. Ok..its a thought...what emotions does it attach to us? Excitement maybe,happiness....it attaches physical response too..as...heart racing, sweaty hands...it also attaches behaviour..in other words - action. We either go for it or not. Soo...is the thought a fact?is it real?does it order us to act?..Nope. the only fact would be action but we can avoid action (& devastating consequences) if we strip thqt thought/urge down. Its not real, it will not hurt you...allow it to come, accept it and let it pass. ....no damage done huh.

I like human psychology...i hardly applied it to my life however, i guess my work helped me a lil..in a strange way, where i am able to aknowledge thoughts and decide how much i let them to manifest in my head. I also look at the facts...and believe me, if you try this excersice and strip thought down....its tfuly not much left to worry about. Our minds blows stuff out of proportion..catastrophes it..and its ok, we are human beings..we tend to think and worry. 

..but if we learn about ourselves a bit more, we will understand that life can be pretty simple...it comes from within..its what we TELL OURSELVES.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hiya.. I totally relate to your "thoughts". They lead to feelings and to actions, but like you say they don't have to lead to actions, they are just thoughts and feelings.

Iv'e always struggled to deal with my thoughts and feelings, they swim around my head space and historically they have come out sideways as gambling.

Only today iv'e managed to get myself worked up over the behaviour of a work colleague. The more I think about it, the more I get wound up. Iv'e never been very good at processes thoughts and the emotions that go along with them, not in a healthy way anyway. Often I stuff it inside, let it ruminate, do nothing with it. I don't know about you but sometimes I can be really pleasant to someone but inside am really disliking them and getting annoyed with myself for not telling them how it is. Not healthy at all.

However having said all of this. This morning I decided to phone my sister and have a moan about my thoughts and to my surprise it has actually kind of helped. I feel a lot less stressed now and add a bit of relaxing music iv'e kind of returned to a state of normalness.

Like you say, so many thoughts coming and going...

ramble over... glad your ok today x

Hey SA!

Sorry to hear about work troubles. You say you keep thinking about it and it winds you up more ...why do you do this to yourself? Do you aknowledge that you're creating unnecessary feelings for yourself by thinking about it...anxiety, anger, low feelings? The person is not in control of your feelings - you are, same as in control of thoughts! Yes..lil buggers huh..they're most important because if we aknowledge & process them, we stop the downward cycle.....

Have you heard of STOPP? Its pretty good technique to strip the thought down really..again, looking into facts of that thought. I will send it through WhatsApp mate. It's particularly good in the middle of something triggering or upsetting..i guess you could apply it at your work place when feelings gets difficult!

As of me smiling to the face but really disliking someone deep down...absolutely...we are humans...and we don't have to like everyone either. I guess we dont tell this  cause of professionalism, morale and general respect for others.and just maybe cause we try to avoid confrontation. Its human i guess.. 

Ramble also over ?

Deserving of great sympathy are my troubled  thoughts

Who'd no doubt like to be outside in their hats and coats

They travelled round the universe and never once did moan

Until they arrived in the messed up head of Stephen aka Aum

???

Excellent Stephen..well rhymed..hope you're well xx

Diary,

The thought that suddenly buggers me is...i fell asleep at the wheel...

Umm..3 days ago..last nighshift (where i was driven around by the colleague and  def slept for a bit..even if only eyes closed)...i did drift off on shift..no wonder...i just did a week of work & heavy help at new sister's house..day in day out...

So last shift..which i originally asked to take off but was not granted..i was dead  ...literally.. 

The journey back seemed like 2hrs longer than usually is..i did fall asleep at driving wheel..what woke me up? I have no idea...a car in front or opposite? However..i did swerve..right & left...i didn't stop..i just opened windows and put radio volume up..i had lil girl in the rear..that would be two of us gone if not more...

This haunts me ...only sister knows..and she until now questions how i stayed up that day....when she fell asleep at 8pm and i went for a long nighshift.

Nothing further to add..

Blessed i am..and my lil girl...and whoever who didn't get in my way that morning.

S&B xx