Support us

Back from the Brink  

Page 1 / 16
 
Michael35
(@michael35)

Day 2

A new diary started, a fresh start. Having indulged in 3 huge bouts if binge Gambing, in 2009, 2011 and 2017 - (with a few mini-binges in-between), and having wasted 10's of thousands of pounds - in excess of £100000 by my reckoning, it's time to draw that line in the sand and say enough is enough. Friday was the final straw blowing around £7000 in 3 mad hours of ridiculously high stakes. Ok, the debt is huge, but is fixable - it'll take many years, but is fixable. What I'm not going to get back is the precious time I've wasted Gambling, and all the many hours of additional work, worry, stress when I had so much good stuff going around me. I have lived with this CG illness hanging over my head for 9 yrs now, whilst I've watched my kids grow-up. They're teenagers now, but I can still devote all my time to them.

I've adstained for 1000+ days in the past and I can do it again. Alot of willpower to start with, and I know it will become easier as the weeks and months pass. The debt is recoverable, I earn enough to pay at least the min payments - I'm also able to contribute a little bit more every month through some extra work - the CC debt will probably take 5yrs to shift, and the rest of the debt another 5yrs, and finally the mortgage gone in another 5yrs after that. I can do that and still enjoy life, there doesn't have to be any impact on our standard of living.

In the grand scheme of things, the latest binge of around £19K, although it hurts now, will slowly become less significant as the months and years pass.

I'm at a crossroads now - if I take the wrong turn, I stand to lose my house, my family and probably my job - in other words, I stand to lose everything. The Line has well and truly been drawn in the sand this time.

Quote
Posted : 3rd December 2017 10:40 am
cg-rambler
(@cg-rambler)

Good luck mate, be strong and proactive about it.

That last paragraph says it all, are you really gonna lose all of that so you can continue to be a miserable gambler? I think not

ReplyQuote
Posted : 3rd December 2017 10:55 am
Dre
 Dre
(@dre)

Thanks for sharing! We have all had that rush of blood for a couple of hours, after it feels like a bad dream! When it happened to me all I could think about is why did I keep chasing that £500 that turned into £5000 etc. However based on what you said above you’ve done 1000 days before and I believe from what you said you can do it again... nows the time to put blocks in place.... as if you are anything like me your thoughts will soon turn to I can win it back! Where as if you have blocks in place it prevents relapse! Have you considered giving up financial control to someone else? For a period of time? However from what you wrote you have already worked out debt management, you nailed it on the head when you said you have lost so much time gambling scary when you add up the time.... please keep sharing and good luck on your journey

ReplyQuote
Posted : 3rd December 2017 3:27 pm
Michael35
(@michael35)

Felt really low this morning. Had some jobs to do around the house, but dragged my heels over them. My brother arrived with his wife this after, and had a good chat over a few glasses of wine - immediately felt better.

Spent some time self-excluding myself from many Casino’s - some of them make it so d**n hard. Received a right strop-o-gram from one of them saying that they “take compulsive gambling very seriously blah, blah, blah” and that they would close my account and confiscate any funds - also listed about 20 sister Casinos which they will close my account and confiscate any funds from those accounts as well. Luckily, they’d bled me dry of all funds with some very very dubious Blackjack hands. B*stards.

Anyway, real test tomorrow with another unfeasible dull day at work in store. Being bored is when I’m most vulnerable, so I apologise in advance if I hit my diary with dozens of updates tomorrow.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 3rd December 2017 10:01 pm
sjw
 sjw
(@sjw)

Don't worry about how often you do or don't add to your diary. Whatever helps you is the best use of it.

All the best for the next few days and beyond, you know whats needed - to reach 1k days shows that.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 3rd December 2017 10:07 pm
Michael35
(@michael35)

Day 3

Made it through to lunchtime. Deathly quiet day at work, but spent the morning making out lists of jobs to do around the house and other stuff I've been putting of for months/years.
Also worked through a debt recovery plan - to be honest, the £6K lost last week means not a jot in the grand scheme of things.

Started reading Alan Carr's "How to give up Gambling" book. Although it generally it's stating what seems pretty obvious, it's good to see it written down, it's put me in the right frame of mind to give up for good.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th December 2017 1:57 pm
Scott0803
(@scott0803)

Hi Michael 35.

Reading your post it seems as though we are living the same life. Just some subtle time differences and gambling amounts.

First of all I prob know how you feel. I didn't go 1000 days, I went around 300 but it was the longest time I have ever done and it was a crushing blow to binge 2 grand in 2 nights. My debt is also recoverable but will also take years and I also have a wife and children that I am fighting tooth and nail to keep.

Yesterday I finished the same book you are reading. And you are right it is very simple stuff but actually seeing it wrote in that way has highlighted to me that I am gaining a false high by gambling, and hopefully this mind shift is what is required for me to kick this habit for good. 15 years it has had a good over me and it is about time we both kick it for good.

I am not so stupid that I think this book will instantly solve all my problems however it has given me something different to think about this time which will hopefully see me through.

Good luck to you in the future.

Scott

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th December 2017 2:15 pm
Michael35
(@michael35)

Day 4

Read my last entry from my old diary (at Day 715 on 07/01/16). I quoted the following ... "Life is good enough as it is without trying to ruin it by handing your money over to a greedy on-line casino"..."life is exciting an full of possibilities"..."open you eyes".
Reading Alan Carr's book, it totally concurs with what he says in that there can be no pleasure to be had in gambling whatsoever - not even 1 bet, and that the "highs" we feel after a win merely an illusion and will on every occasion be met with a "low", and as we get dragged further down, the lows get lower, and the highs diminish. It's so true, having been around £5000 up a few weeks ago, I felt pleased, but not elated, but to lose it all felt crushing. He also says that there should be absolutely no fear in giving up gambling for good, and that willpower route will eventually lead to failure. It's a simple message - there is no pleasure from gambling, and life will gradually improve the minute we stop - it's a simple as that.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th December 2017 3:19 pm
Michael35
(@michael35)

Wow, and today's massive revelation .. JUST STOP. Oh ..... ok.

Now to sort out this bloody debt.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th December 2017 10:19 pm
Michael35
(@michael35)

Day 7

Stopped ? Yes.....Sorting out this "bloody" debt ... Yes......Great.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 8th December 2017 10:28 pm
Norland27
(@norland27)

Remember. Casinos are gamblers just like the rest of us. They don't like to lose either. Only difference is, they have the hedge funds to ensure against losing in the long run (e.g. the zero on a roulette wheel, you get 35/1 If you win but there's 37 numbers on the grid). Plus you never see a poor bookie or casino owner. Next time you get an urge to gamble, Try and imagine a fat bookie chewing on a cigar driving past you in a Bentley P*****g himself laughing at you cos you've paid for his car.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th December 2017 2:39 am
Michael35
(@michael35)

Day 9

Checking in ... Paying thousands to be miserable is not my idea of fun. Hmmm...isn’t that what a Casino is for ... and here’s me thinking that they are full of happy punters ? Can’t we get them done under the trade descriptions act or something ?

ReplyQuote
Posted : 10th December 2017 10:46 am
Michael35
(@michael35)

Day 0

(Message to myself)

Oh, you really are taking the P**s now - how on-earth does your brain work ? Looking forward to 2018 ? Then just imagine the kids faces when the promised NYC trip next year has to be cancelled because Dad has gambled away all the money, or the looks on their faces when the For Sale sign goes up on the house because the bank has repossessed it because Dad has gambled away all the money , or Dad in the dole queue because he's just been sacked and Dad has gambled away all the money. It's gut-wrenching isn't it ? That's what 2018 has in store for you if you continue with this and this is the lowest it can and will get.

No more feeling sorry for yourself, no more trying to tap into your "inner" feelings, man-up and for the sake of everyone who has any feelings for you, and for the love of god ... STOP,STOP,STOP,STOP,STOP,STOP,STOP,STOP !!!!!

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th December 2017 9:55 pm
Michael35
(@michael35)

Day 1

Day bl***dy 1 - I’m getting unfeasibly sick of “Day 1”.

A hugely sobering revelation this morning. Of the amount lost, the amount staked based on average odds, divided by an estimated amount staked per minute, divided by mins/hr, divided by hrs/day reveals around 130-140 days, solid lost to gambling. About 1hr/day for 9years. To put right financially, 1.5hrs/day for the next 15yrs. 5000 days from now - oh, and that doesn’t include the interest. All in all, around 500days of my life wasted.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th December 2017 7:02 am
Michael35
(@michael35)

Having calmed down, I've realised that the amount lost is alot less than first thought. About 25% less. I've also realised that out of the amount lost, I've earned around 2/3rds of that amount through overtime and extra work already and it'll take around 1000days to cover the rest of it. This doesn't mean I will be debt-free, the remaining debt however will not be attributable to gambling.
The whole reason for gambling has been in order to chase loses. When I'm not making progress, that's when I get most frustrated and more liable to fall off the wagon. As long as I know that those debts are reducing, then I'm calm and won't stray into to gambling.
I've been gamble-free for 1000days in the past, so just need to follow that again. I need to start updating this diary daily as a matter of course - I want to chart my recovery day-by-day.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th December 2017 11:34 am
Page 1 / 16
Share this page
Share
  
Working

Please Login or Register