Hi, this is my very first diary post even though I have been reading others diaries for the past 10-11 weeks. I am now entering my 79th day GF and I have to admit I had to hit the very bottom in order to achieve this. I have been gambling since I was 16 and I'm now 37 years of age. It started with slot machines with a fiver jackpot and in the last two/three years its been FOBT. My parents bailed me out on two previous occasions with loans but I simply returned to my previous gambling cycle.
79 days ago I decided after weeks of torment to take my own life. Fortunately for me my wife's father who lives opposite our home in the countryside came by. He seen what was about to happen and all he said was 'lets have a cup of tea' he sat with me just talking nonsense about football until my wife came home later that afternoon. That evening I told my wife everything and I have to say it was the best thing I have ever done. There were lots of tears but most importantly she cared more about me and my wellbeing than the financial mess I'd created for myself.
I'm now regularly attending counselling and I speak with my GP once a month. I'm taking anti depressants and can honestly say things are a million times better than 79 days ago. I would honestly say my problems ran a lot deeper than simply gambling. The gambling was my escape from reality but it simply disguised a lifetime of depression and anxiety. when I gambled and won I felt like a winner for that brief moment and whenever I lost I returned to being the loser I was used to being all along.
Listen i'm just an average guy here sharing my experience and journey like so many others but if I can make someone's journey a little bit easier then do not hesitate to drop me a message. We're all fighting the same fight folks one day at a time.
Dear Henry,
Thank you for your post to the Gam Care Forum and for being so open and honest in sharing your experience of just how bad things had become for you but also now, as you move in to recovery your reflections and story of hope. I am sure that others will find this as empowering as I did.
I am really pleased to hear that you have the support of your family and gradually step by step you are now getting the additional help that you need.
I wish you all the every best for your continued recovery.
Forum Admin
Dear Henry, thank you for sharing your experience and many congratulations on reaching 79 days gamble free. Your story really resonated with me and I have taken something from it that I am going to sort for myself.
I wish you all the best in your continued recovery, it is so lovely to read inspirational stories. I am so happy for you and your family, you are clearly much more than just an average guy...
Very sorry to hear you got to such a point in your life before you , turned things around . It is a terrible illness , and you are now over the hardest part , the reveal , the fear of the shame [ there was no shame ] you were honest . But remember that dark day , as a blocker to any thoughts of returning to your ways , Many Many people can enjoy [ yes enjoy a flutter ] everybody on this forum , simply cannot , we are wired differently . so one day at a time and good luck
Thanks Murlo, All-at-sea and Admin. I've seen during my short time on here how the support and advice others offer is invaluable in aiding peoples recoveries. I can only speak for myself but telling my wife and opening up to my immediate family was the hardest but the best possible thing I could have done. I arranged for my salary to be paid directly into my wife's account, I refuel my car at the beginning of the week and if I need anything then my wife either purchases it for me or she'll give me the exact money and I pass her the receipt. Not having access to money or having to worry about bills, standing orders etc is a huge weight off. My wife gave me £10 earlier this morning and I feel as though I'm loaded. The comfort in knowing that there's money for food, heat and clothes for my two boys far surpasses any jackpot I've ever won.
It's working for me because there's no more secrets, no access to funds and the realisation that I just want to live a normal life, be able to afford and enjoy simple pleasures with my family.
Hi Henryhall6982 and welcome
Thankyou for writing that so clearly. Its good to see that you understand the depths of this problem and where it takes people to
Im sorry to see it took you there but can see you feel relief in seeking help, accepting help and being humble to the powers of this addiction.
The paradox is that telling people can be the hardest but also the easiest thing to do when ready. It just has to be done in my view because the alternative in the lowest lows imaginable. The end of the line with gambling is when the train hits the buffers at extremely high speed
Honesty and openness are the key saviours.
I fully relate to what you say. There is suddenly a real pride in looking at a tenner and realising whats actually important here. There is actually no shame in seeking help and living on an allowance. Its a freeing experience if anything
I found a serenity and real comfort in knowing I was doing the right thing
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Thanks @Joydivider. I just can't express how much of a help this site and its users have been to me in helping my ongoing recovery. For me there was no other option but to tell my wife and family and I would say to anyone struggling with this dilemma to just go for it. I felt a huge release once I did and it was a huge weight off my shoulders too. I've experienced the sleepless nights, the anxiety and the stress of money problems. I've learnt there's no shame in asking for someone's help.
I would also say that handing over complete financial control to my wife was the best thing I could do. I don't have access to money therefore even if I wanted to I can't gamble.
I make the effort each day to come on and read various users diaries and can relate to nearly every single feeling everyone else has experienced. This site and the people who use it have enabled me to get to 79 days.
Keep posting everyone because you're as much a cure to me and my recovery as the pills my doctor prescribes.
80 days GF - Tune of the day- Foy Vance 'Upbeat Feelgood'
Well yesterday was another day of avoiding the habits of old. I had to take my son to the GP due to an ear infection and I then treated him to a few sweets in the shop afterwards for being so well behaved. Such a small gesture but I remember past occasions of having to tell him we can't go to the shop as i'd gambled my very last £'s in the bookies. Its good to remind myself of how far i'd fallen and the type of man i'd became.
So today i'll be out of the office most of the day attending to various issues. In the past this would be an opportunity form me to take a long lunch and blow 100's in a FOBT machine.
I told my work mate this story the other day. I left the bookies one Friday afternoon with roughly 4 grand in my hand. I was returning to my car and I dropped the money all over the car park. I was running around like a lunatic trying to gather up all the notes. I was in underneath cars, climbing over railings and in the end I think I was just over 100 £'s down. I wish i'd a video of that to show my family what this disease reduced me to.
Anyhow, I hope everyone has a good day. Take care
I decided to contact my bank earlier to discuss some of the charges that were applied on my account over this last year. They agreed to pay back eighty £'s to me. Not a huge amount but better than nothing. First thing I did was text the wife to let her know.
well 81 days GF - Tune of the day - Stir it up - Bob Marley
Well not much to report, its the day of my office party. its a pretty drab affair with no alcohol and the highlight being a fish and chips lunch. Still no thoughts of gambling which is good, I did find myself getting extremely irritable yesterday with anyone and everyone. Thoughts of not attending the Christmas party etc. I seem to have perked up somewhat this morning. I need to go get my secret santa gift and wrap that. No idea what to get the recipient as she's the office moan and fun sponge.
Still I wish everyone well and here's to another GF day.
82 days GF - Tune of the day - Journey - Don't stop Believing
Well a busy enough day today, spent most of the day out of the office and had a meeting with my bank too. decided to move to a foundation account which means no overdrawn fees or charges. I still have to pay off a £500 overdraft which i'll get to work on after Christmas. I get paid tomorrow bust as I've mentioned that goes straight into my better half's account so its safe as houses.
Its sad to say but this is going to be the first Christmas I have faced as an adult without worrying about money. i'm 37 years old and for the last 21 years I've gambled and missed out on certain experiences or nights out because I was skint. Its hard to face that truth. my wife has the presents bought for our two wee men and I still have to built some of them which i'm dreading but i'll make a start on that tonight so's i'm not ruining Christmas eve stressing about it.
I wish everyone well and here's to another GF day
Hello Henry mate. Your harrowing account of reaching rock bottom is truly daunting, but the way you have turned things around with the support of your family is really encouraging. You have gained a new lease of life without guilt, shame or secrecy. I have to say that it is not always easy to open a new chapter without looking back. But you are demonstrating humility, commonsense and positive action to your life, which will ultimately be a good thing for your family.
Your recollection of the crazy episode in the car park with money flying around in a hectic, surreal occurrence reminds me of my own experience. Having won 5 thousand at the bookies (following a loss of over 15K in two years), I vividly recall driving around in my old £600 Fiat Punto with the money tucked away in an envelope under the driver's seat! - I wanted to share this with you as the actions dwell on the same type of irrational behaviour. I believe that when a gambler has an occasional win there is an overwhelming force to distance oneself from the ill-gotten-gains. Perhaps, psychologically in these circumstances we simply feel uncomfortable with the money that we haven't worked for.
Anyway, I wish you well on your journey and am so pleased that you will be able to enjoy the festive season. You're doing fantastic Henry - keep looking forward for a better and more fulfilling life.
83 days GF - Tune of today - Man in the Mirror - Michael Jackson - Its time to make a change for once in my life. I'm starting with the man in the mirror, i'm asking him to change his ways.
Thank you for the reply @changemylife. Yeah I definitely couldn't have made it this far without my families support. My dad was the one person I feared telling the most. He's old school in that he works hard, doesn't drink/gamble and hands his pay cheque over every week to my mother. He completely surprised me, he sat me down, told me that the debt can be sorted and even went and sorted a new car for me too (i'm paying for it but he got the finance sorted). he said he didn't want his two grandsons driving around in a wreck of a car. My point is folks friends/family care far more than you probably give them credit for. Sure my wife was P****d off at me but she'd every right to be. She still cared more about me than the financial mess i'd made for myself and reading other peoples diaries and entries from addicts partners it is clear that i'm not the only one with a partner/wife family that cares.
@changemylife when I look back on who I was and how I behaved its like it was a completely different person. there's occasions where I've won a jackpot within 10 minutes of playing a machine and I would be gutted as I felt i'd won too early and not had to experience the roller-coaster of emotions before defeating the machine. Winning money almost became irrelevant because I knew the house would always win because they'd get it all back plus interest.
The lies and deceit are the hardest pill to swallow. I told my wife we didn't get wedding presents from some of my family members because I had received the cards and gambled the money away. I couldn't go to my best mates stag either and when I was able to scrape enough money together to go to family events, days out etc I was always watching my money and not able to enjoy the experiences.
I go out with all my friends now on the 28th December and for the first time in my adult life i'm not worrying about finding the money or what money I may spend. Do you know how good that feels??
Anyone struggling or just beginning their journey, set short term achievable goals e.g. if I reach 7 days i'm going to go to the cinema or for a meal or even buy my wife/partner/mum/gran a bunch of flowers. 14 days could be i'll go buy myself a new shirt etc, etc. Remember to speak to anyone you owe money to and arrange to pay them off over the longest time possible. speak to Debt advice charities and set up DMP too.
Again folks this is only my take on how to relieve the pressure and give yourself a bit of a life as well. feel free to disagree with me too as its diferent for everyone.
I wish everyone well today, take care.
Day 86 - Tune of the day - Something inside so strong - Labi Siffre
Well I worked Saturday in my part time butchers job. Extremely busy but got lots of work done meaning I don't have to work Christmas eve for the first time in about 20 years i'm guessing. I still have the kids toys to build but i'm doing that later with my brother in law who's a lot handier than I am.
So yesterday the family and I got invited to one of my wife's friends for a Christmas party. These friends are quite well to do and as a result I spend the entire afternoon in the company of successful accountants, property developers etc, etc. I had more fun spending time in the play room with the kids. In the past my anxiety would have made me awkward and uncomfortable in this kind of company but now i'm more comfortable not trying to make small talk with people who just want to discuss work and trying to play a game with one upmanship with each other. I bought my wife's friends husband a nice bottle of red wine and I also nabbed two T-bone steaks from work on Saturday and gave them to him. He was over the moon. This guy has always grown up with money but isn't like the others at all. He's a nice all round person unlike his wife/my wife's friend who married money and loves now playing the lady of the manor.
Anyway i'm waffling but I suppose its strange to step back and look at the different personalities in the room.
Anyway, no temptations at all over the weekend. I have my wife's bank card to pick up some last minute Christmas shopping. I'm wishing everyone a nice, peaceful GF day.
Day 100 GF - Tune of the day - when a man loves a woman - Percy Sledge
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