Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning dear diary.

haven’t posted for a while, I have no excuse to not write on my thread and will endeavour to write on here more. I am still sober in every form, no gambling or alcohol consumption.

 I have been privileged to have been able to attend GA meetings every week and am truly grateful to have been able to meet like minded folk to share the gift of recovery with.

today I live trying to apply the principles of GA and the twelve step program in every aspect of my life.

 Life has thrown up some difficult situations over the past few weeks and I understand the value of those principles.

Recovery and the rediscovery it gifts hold such value and every day it puts another tool in my box, another brick in the wall between me and that first punt or a beer.

living life on life’s terms, understanding what triggers my addiction to over power my rational inner self are things I learn more about through working the 12 steps 

Without doubt walking back through the revolving doors of GA has been one of the most profound decisions of my life.

abstain and maintain 

just for today 

Duncs 

Evening dear diary 

I am still sober in every form, no gambling or alcohol consumption which has enabled me to ride through some challenges over the past month or so.

 I was summoned to the business I had worked in for the past 15 months at the start of April and was informed without notice that the business was to be closed. So I found myself unemployed. Sarah has been off sick for the best part of two months as she is waiting to have major surgery so I found myself in a hole.

in previous occasions I would have ran to the call of addiction and lost myself in its open arms and blamed the circumstances and everyone else for the outcome.

 I am proud to say I got busy finding new employment, doing jobs around the house to ensure that everything is in the best working order, I did some manual Labour in between to earn enough to feed us and got to as many GA meetings as possible.

 I am pleased to be able to write that I am in my third week of a new job, back to a bigger kitchen in a country inn, running a small team and working with the management to improve the food operation, on Monday we are able to open the inside for customers and I can’t wait, outside dining and a  takeaway service have been a good soft start for me and I am prepared to hopefully see lots more food leaving the pass in the coming weeks.

equally Sarah now has a date for her surgery in mid June and will need 6-12 weeks to recover so I will be able to manage my new job and help her recover in the best possible fashion.

 I didn’t receive any severance pay from my last job and in fact got a new tax code for the year ahead for unpaid income tax not paid last year.

 I am not troubled by the actions of the owners, simply I am able to turn the page and move on. I met some astounding customers and folk in my last year, that’s priceless and I will happily take that as payment and move on.

 The management of my new workplace have been exceptional, the previous head chef retires in the next week and I hope to emulate the work he has given. He has been in the job for the past 7 years and the kitchen is full of staff who have worked there for many years which excites me because longevity in the hospitality industry in any job is rare.

 I have been doing a great deal of reading and research into theburntchefproject a foundation looking to help folk in the hospitality industry with mental health problems.

 I would like to become an ambassador and help others, I understand that folk in hospitality are 50% more likely to have addiction, something I am a statistic of and have seen first hand for the 30 years I have worked in hospitality for and believe that I could offer help and support through my experience I have of what recovery offers if you commit wholly to it.

Whatever life throws in your path addiction won’t gift a solution.

recovery and the rediscovery will 

just for today 

Duncs 

Hi Duncs,

I'm  pleased to read about your ongoing  commitment  and dedication  in tackling  life's  problems  head on and with clear head. Something  to take out of your shares today so thank you very much for this inspiration. 

Life's  curves and balls will never stop to amaze me but you have shown great example  how to deal with it and carry on looking  ahead and being true to you! Well done!

Wishing  Sarah all the best with her surgery and also speedy recovery...for you my friend,  keep making the right choice and be the man you have become in recovery. 

Stay safe both,

Best wishes 

S&B xx

Dear Duncan,

I have not had much energy to devote to the forum this past year or so, but my addiction has been largely under control to the extent that I am providing my family with the time and attention they need.

As always, I am inspired by your diary and am always very pleased to see that you overcome not only your addiction, but pretty much each and many serious obstacle that has befallen you and your family recently.

I am very sorry that Sarah has been suffering and I do hope that the operation comes quickly and sorts her out. I can relate ins some ways as Rosanne has been chronically ill for the past few years. We are trying to avoid an operation, but if the medication does not work soon, the operation will necessary be life changing. I cannot help but feel accountable as her illness is due to the stress of a job which she only took because of my own ineptitude - putting it mildly.

Fantastic that you have found another job. I have lost count of the establishments that you have graced with your presence over the past decade, but I supposed that is the nature the industry. I have no doubt that you will make your mark very quickly as per usual. If you ever "name drop" the establishment, my family and I will be there with bells on to support and finally sample your fayre.

I will no doubt revive the ragged trousered thread in due course as I am feeling motivated to share again, but for now will continue to walk beside you and quietly will you on.

Best wishes,

Mark

Morning dear diary 

markman good to hear from you, far too often I have lost touch with the amazing folk I have met through this amazing place, leaving me to wonder if they live without addiction bringing destruction and devastation to their lives, I know through bitter experience that when I put the tools of recovery down my own list of what are the priorities of my life things go south.

 I am still sober in every form, I am still applying the principles of GA to every aspect of my life, I don’t just put those principles into place during the meetings that I attend, I work the orange book in every action I take.

so my old friend I am truly enjoying the rewards of the effort I give. I am pleased to say Sarah will have her operation on the 16th of June which will hopefully open a new chapter in our lives, she will have a lengthy recovery, one which I will do everything in my power to ensure that she has the best opportunity to have.

my Ma’s husband had open heart surgery last week after it was discovered he had a leaking valve and he is on the road to recovery.

Our daughter is pregnant so we are going to be grandparents ????

my new job offers me the opportunity to ply my skills and release the passion and energy I hold for life. I again have been totally honest with my employers with regards to my addiction and recovery, for me the best tool I have in my toolbox to keep my addictions at bay and under my control. Without doubt there’s no shame in my honesty, just a calming impact that brings me a clearer mind to focus on the things that I have neglected for the greater part of my adult life.

 I have a days rest today, I will treat myself to a steam and sauna and some good food. Then tomorrow I will prepare for another busy weekend of graft, I accept that professional cookery is my healthy addiction, to achieve the best results I understand equally that I have to look after myself, that rest days are important.To enjoy the fruits of my efforts.

to wander with my beloved hounds, bless mr blue has had a couple of seizures, he cannot run anymore as it triggers muscle spasms, so we now enjoy a stroll and will enjoy watching him grow old at a slower pace. The nature of his life is to chase and he is adapting to remaining on his lead well.

that’s a wonderful word

ACCEPTANCE

I accept that I am an addict, I accept that I have a choice, to feed my addiction or feed recovery 

I choose recovery 

just for today 

Duncs 

stepping forward never back 

Dear diary 

Our beloved mr blue has been diagnosed with heart disease and his heart murmur has progressed to 3 or 4, he is going to see a specialist next week so we can get him the correct medication so he can be comfortable in his old age and hopefully it will mean that he won’t suffer any more seizures. In the meantime we will keep him calm with exercise kept to the minimum and strictly lead walks, he seems to have accepted it’s for his own benefit, my desire is simply to make him able to live comfortably and enjoy his life going forward, without doubt nobody will ever understand how much he has given me over the past seven years since we rescued him, he has been my saviour and I will do my best by him going forward. 
today marks 500 days without me feeding addiction, sober in every form. My reward is the ability to have the opportunity to have choices and not be dictated to the choice addictions offer, to live in the cycle of repeated self destruction.

life on life’s terms throws challenges and difficult circumstances, I will stand up to whatever is dealt with the valuable knowledge that whatever I face I will have the tools of recovery at my disposal. They I know are priceless.

sarah has her Covid test and then three days of self isolating and with a good wind her surgery on Wednesday.

just for today 

Duncs 

Sorry to read your news - I've been up since 4am and really need to get some sleep so haven't had a chance to catch up on your diary properly but as a name I remember all to well from my more active times on this site, It's inspiring to read just how open you share and how much ownership you demonstrate, once again, sorry to hear your news and best wishes for Sarah's surgery tomorrow - I hope all goes well

Regards

Dan

Thanks for popping by Dan great to read that you are gamble free and making better choices as a result.

 I am pleased to write that Sarah has had her surgery and is currently recovering in hospital, the surgery went well although her consultant said it was more difficult than anticipated I believe a result of the time lapse since her last scan and the subsequent growth that resulted, but it’s done now and I will do everything within my ability to ensure that her recovery is the best it can be. The praise she has given the staff is truly sobering, they go above and beyond and I will be forever mindful and grateful for it. Visiting is not allowed to ensure that the ward remains Covid safe, I accept that and will make do with FaceTime.

mr blue has to return on Wednesday and he will hopefully get his medication that will enable him to carry on enjoying his life.

 I am humbled by it all, I care deeply for life and respect how precious it is.

 I got to spend twenty minutes in a GA meeting on Tuesday on my way home, a wonderful dose of inspiration and a sense of purpose gifted for my efforts.

online meeting tonight with equally inspiring results.

 I accept the things I cannot change 

find the courage to change the things I can 

I seek and constantly learn to understand the wisdom to know and accept the difference 

just for today 

Duncs 

Dear diary 

I have been really busy with work, caring for Sarah and mr blue, I feel like I am juggling several balls at once at times and understand that at times it’s ok to put the ball down that can look after itself. I have such a greater ability to simply stop and take a deep breath and take stock of life, look for solutions to issues before they develop and take what life throws my way with a smile on my face 

why??

because my dear friend I am living with the twelve steps in the forefront of every step I take, the principles of the room’s, the wisdom freely shared and the compassion offered unconditionally compel my being.

 I am nervous with regards to the restrictions being lifted, I feel deeply uncomfortable with the approach to life moving forward because I simply don’t understand how it’s safe for life to return to normal. I will still follow the guidelines that have kept me safe, I will accept that I cannot change the decisions made by authorities, I will simply continue to live a life with minimal contact with the world at large, I will continue to do what I feel comfortable with. Wearing a mask in unknown public situations, keeping my distance from others, shopping at the times I know will be quieter.

 I accept that business needs to be done, that we will see our business unrestricted and at times crowded but I equally hope that folk respect the fact that I have a choice equally.

Sarah’s struggled mentally with her lack of the ability to carry out the simple tasks we take for granted, boiling a kettle and making a coffee, tidying up and getting out to walk with our beloved hounds all things that she is unable to do, I respect the fact that she needs support and stimulating, I have tried my best to be a help, to ensure she gets the best opportunity to recover. It’s only the same gift she has given me time and again.

 I equally respect that I have the amazing power of the room’s, I have still managed to drop in to a meeting once a week minimum, because I understand fully what I am rewarded with 

recovery is the gift that keeps giving, I believe it offers something greater than abstinence 

whether it’s your day one or day 1000, the reward of the choice to abstain is empowering, it’s the best choice you will ever make.

 I am wholly committed 

abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back 

just for today ???

Evening dear diary 

Thanks for your kind words Ford, I hope you find the ability to get back to living without feeding addiction, I feel your pain in the words you write.

my old friend I have neglected you because I have been busy, life is busy and I am enjoying the ability to live within it, to embrace the good and bad without disruption, self destruction and the constant battle feeding addiction brought to my life.

 I am sober in every form, I am an addict 

An alcoholic 

A compulsive gambler 

A drug addict 

I understand why I used these forms of escape, I understand that without using them I would not have been able to cope with the chaos, the trauma, the unstable mindset I lived with.

today I understand that I found the courage and strength to live in recovery 

today I try to apply the principles of the 12 step program to every aspect of my life 

I am no longer angry, I no longer use fight or flight as a coping mechanism, I seek middle ground.

 I no longer live thinking suicide will be the outcome 

I get into bed tired through the effort I give to my life 

I no longer get into bed tired of living 

I understand the value of those two sentences 

and the profound difference 

just for today 

Duncs 

Evening dear diary 

I am still sober in every form, I have not given to any unhealthy addiction for a considerable length of time, I equally have given to my healthy addiction a great deal, I have cooked professionally for 30 years now and without doubt it’s been my saviour countless times. I have accepted that without being able to express myself through the food I cook I would have an unhealthy relationship with myself. Equally I understand that I have a value, that I have to be recompensed for the effort I give to my profession. Hospitality is in a hole, the pandemic has left huge shortages of kitchen staff and it’s showing through, more work loaded upon those who remain, no extra pay just an expectation that things will get done, finishing at 10pm after starting at 9am and being expected to return to the stove at silly o’clock to repeat the cycle isn’t exactly a great advertisement for a job for many. It’s a great shame to see and the blame thrown at the how and why’s dumbfounds me.

The industry has had a year to reshape, reorganise and plan for the future, but sadly many just sat on there hands and expected things to return to normal. But having a year of Saturday night’s off and quality time with family and friends has led to many seeking employment elsewhere.

 I fear for the future, equally I will continue to take employment where I am given a fair deal and the opportunity to cook, mentor and get to the room’s I need to continue to live a life full of respect, humility and a desire to share the experience of living without addiction dominating every thought.

to have purpose is my greatest weapon against addiction taking control of proceedings, with genuine purpose comes desire, inner peace and self belief and the outcome is profound.

 I respect that addiction got me to the place of safety I am grateful to be in today, I equally respect that feeding addiction today would create damage beyond repair.

 I was without doubt in total despair throughout my last episode of gambling and drinking. It consumed me, it offered me a place to escape from the turmoil I had created in every aspect of my life, I had again let myself believe that I was in control of my actions, that I was living a life Of my own choosing. The truth is that with every punt, beer and whiskey I took the ability to make choices away and like too many times in my life I repeatedly did the same thing expecting the outcome to change, without any purpose or passion.

 I look to express my feelings, desires and dreams today with the folk I hold dear because I understand that by doing so I have the opportunity to see and share such a beautiful thing. To have the opportunity to do so humbles me greatly.

Sarah is back to her beautiful self, pain no longer dictates her daily routine and she again lights up every room she enters and she still steals my breath countless times every week. We will have been on our first date 29 years ago in a couple of weeks, a date on which I knew I wanted to be with her for ever and beyond. Today there’s no‘significant’ other addiction lays dormant, it looks on green with envy, I respect it will always be there hoping that an opportunity will arise in which it would again try to regain control. I today am inspired to build on myself so that doesn’t happen.

just for today 

I will remain abstinent.

abstain and maintain 

Dunxs

Duncan,

Good evening - noticed its been a while since you have posted and I am checking on your welfare and ongoing recovery.

Best wishes to you and yours

Kindest Regards

Bal

Morning dear diary 

my old friend it’s been a while since I posted, I have simply been busy living a life without the turmoil created by my feeding addiction, I am still sober in every form of self harming abuse, no gambling or alcohol consumption to distort my thought process or disturb the life that through abstinence gifts me the ability to live as the best version of myself.

 I have been working hard, I have a new job, one to replace the job I took and for seven months I progressively abused myself, equally I let myself be abused. I made a choice in October to quit and found a new kitchen to run, one were I have more control over my working week and as a result I am able to enjoy time with Sarah and our children and our new arrival, our first grandchild, Mollie-may was born at the start of December and her and mum and dad are all doing brilliantly, it’s beautiful to be a part of.

addiction still tries from time to time to re enter my brain, to try and convince me that I deserve that drink or a pint. It sells me the line that I deserve a treat. I understand it wants to regain control, to again get me to dance to its tune. Just for today I am able to really see it for what it is and was to my life.

it was a constant in times of uncertainty, it wanted me to believe that it was normality, that I was always going to feed it and create a cycle that I would never break.

throughout the pandemic it’s fed off the uncertainty of moments that have been beyond my control.

Through the room’s I have been able to find a better understanding of that, I no longer look beyond the walls that define my life, the truth is change has been created were possible, I have found acceptance in the actions of others.

 I am learning not to judge or found opinions, I find tranquility in my actions, I have truly forgiven myself for my shortcomings, I am able to live without regret dominating my existence 

Suicide isn’t my go to thinking when things get thrown my way. Abstinence offers solution. No problem is insurmountable.

that’s huge progress for me 

I am proud of that 

I am humbled by my ability to tell Sarah that I love her unconditionally every morning upon waking and then before I sleep 

I do get into bed tired of effort I give to my life rather than tired of living life.

that to is huge progress 

I am working to become an ambassador for theburntchefproject, something that I hope will enable me to give back to the industry that has saved me from myself countless times 

I wish everyone here a peaceful and happy festive period, a time of reflection and tranquil feeling’s I hope the outcome for all. I am working every day, I will hopefully bring a little bit of joy to those I feed and will spare a thought for those less fortunate.

On Monday we hope to enjoy a day with all our children and my Ma and Ed, I accept that might be disrupted by potential restrictions. If that is the case then I will accept them in the hope that less folk will suffer as a result.

look after yourselves, be kind to yourselves 

Abstain and maintain 

stepping forward never back 

Duncs

I've often read thru ur posts ur the years, dipping in and out of ur recovery, I like u found solace away from vices and am thankful to be tee total for three years, it has no doubt really helped my gamble free time and keeps my mind clear.....

All the best and well done

Adam

Evening dear diary 

Adam thanks for your kind words and without doubt for me abstinence from alcohol has been the key to me finding continued abstinence from gambling. Addiction has in one form or another dictated the course of most of my entire adult life.

today I am isolating I have been since Sunday morning since I tested positive on a lateral flow test and confirmed a day later via pcr. I will say this, it’s not pleasant, for three days I had a horrific headache and my body rode waves of varying pain, I am on the other side of that, I brought it home and Sarah,Callum and his girlfriend have contracted it. Fortunately lily her partner and their baby are safe and well. I have learnt a great deal and humility is at the forefront of my mind.

 I have had some great therapy reading around this amazing place today and I will endeavour to find more time to visit because I understand the value the forum gifts 

without doubt nothing changes if nothing changes 

grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change 

the courage to change the things I can 

and the wisdom to learn the difference 

Duncs