Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Afternoon dear diary 

bal thanks for popping by as I wrote on your thread fella I will not push the rooms upon anyone because I understand the value in not doing so far outweighs pushing something upon another.

As an active addict I simply would not have listened, I knew better!!

what an utterly ridiculous statement, but the life of an active compulsive gambler is one of ridiculousness in every form.

 I have been listening to a great deal of podcasts in recent weeks and I believe that gambling addiction is unique with the regards to it’s aftermath being one that has a hugely profound impact on the addict. Often there is no quick fix and the financial outcome may take years or a lifetime to repay and as it’s not a visible addiction when actively feeding it so it comes as a big shock to many when uncovered because if you are like me your life looked perfect through the story you sold.

today I am happy to write that because I accept that between now and never I will always be a gambling addict and I have a growing ability to pre text that with recovering something every day I understand the value of.

 I have a growing sense of humility, I have a better understanding of my own mind and as a result my actions are better measured. I equally accept that I am one bet from tearing all that up which is a leveller

I made a better choice as a result 

just for today 

Duncs 

Hi Duncs,

Thank you for your post and also your contribution to society during this difficult climate. I walked into work today to about 30 boxes of pizza from local pizza place...(pizza inside mind you and i even had a slice!!)..warmed my heart indeed..they shown amazingly kind gesture to us in supporting what we do..made me think of you straight away ?

Im inspired to see your fighting spirit and such amazing progress in recovery. Well done you! Not talking the talk..  you're walking the walk!..

I'm not a GA member but am aware how amazingly group work can help an individual. Keep it up. Keep becoming a better man you already are.

Best wishes, stay safe &thank you for all you do. Hugs to your hounds and gentle nod of encouragement to your loved ones.

S&B xx

Evening dear diary 

not long in from a busy days work feeding folk at a cost to the business without seeking to profit is something that has made me truly mindful and think deeply about the way I have lived my life in the past, I am truly committed to taking from life what I need in the future rather than feed desire. I have had a huge shift it my belief in what is actually important to me and what makes me at peace with myself.

 I seek to contribute without the main outcome being what’s in this for me because I have a growing understanding of what is important to me, something gambling and the pursuit of feeding addiction distorted beyond belief, it bred the thinking I despise most in life, I am all right jack fuels an inner hatred of myself, principles addiction wanted me to follow and grow, to judge folk lesser than myself because of their appearance,their status in life and to take anything including that that wasn’t mine to take yet find justification in taking all the same.

none of those actions top up the glass half full or half empty and if they do I believe what they fill it with is pure poison.

today I want transparency, from that I have clarity. 
I am growing in my belief in the choices I take, the restrictions are having as many benefits as they are inconveniences because I have the ability to use my time in a different better fashion.

 The talk today is the restrictions will last for another month, I believe that life will change as a result, what was normal won’t exist and that saying ‘we used to do’ will be a truer statement than ever before.

One thing I am certain of as a result of life in the past seven weeks I have put a greater deal of work into my life through my actions that addiction will find it harder to penetrate my mind with it’s call

I am equally mindful that addiction is one bet from returning, I will never be cured and as a result I respect that fact.

just for today 

Duncs 

Dunc,

You should be very proud of yourself for the contribution you are making to people in need. When its all over you can forever know that you played your part in helping others.

RR

Evening dear diary 

I have had a productive week to date working hard on every front, my mental wellbeing has been a bit of a yo yo, why?? Because I feel anxious at the prospect of the restrictions being lifted, because in the past few days I have had to venture to more suppliers to seek food stock and what I have encountered has been shocking, it would appear that there’s a growing apathy towards social distancing, that the ignorance of folk who now seem to think it’s acceptable to invade your personal space on the premise that they won’t catch the virus. People who lean over you rather than wait, don’t follow the arrows clearly showing how you should negate the store and staff who are worn to the bone trying and failing to control the situation. I have felt anger, expressed it in words to the perpetrators who react with anger. Going forward I think when the general population are given less restrictions I am going to isolate at home to safeguard myself because I fear that little respect will be given to the potential danger of a resurgence of the pandemic. Over 30000 people have lost their lives is that not warning enough. I understand folk want to return to work, to normality but I believe that life won’t be normal for a good length of time to come. 100 days ago I would have run at economics, today I simply choose life.

 I respect the fact that this is not a reflection of everyone but it’s fact that I have witnessed first hand in a growing fashion. 
please stay safe, respect space because it’s a two way street is it not?

just for today 

Duncs 

Duncan,

Good evening. As always a thought inspiring post and most importantly a post from the heart with honesty at the forefront.

As always it means so much across the forum.

Best

Hello Duncs,

it’s the same over here. People are choosing to defy the science. They think it’s a flu that will simply wash over us. It’s been described as a tidal wave by the medical people on the front line and the death toll in our state alone is over 3000 since mid March. People are ignoring the math. I don’t get it. New information is coming out everyday. We don’t really have a full picture of what this virus is all about.  I read that a virus is nothing more than a piece of bad news tucked into a protein envelope. It has no mind of its own and no means of transportation. The only way it can get inside of us is by using us to pass it on to each other. We are being asked to respect life and embrace it by sheltering in place, socially distancing ourselves, and washing our hands with soap and water so that science can catch up. Crisis mode can be slowed down if we all slow down. Instead we have angry men protesting in the streets and hoarding groceries. People think that living life on life’s terms is the easy way out. That we have to fight to survive because life is hard and cruel. When I was a child I used to think my dad was hard and cruel when he wouldn’t let me have my way. Surrendering is humbling. I was born with a warrior’s spirit. Surrender is a swear word. Truthfully the only way for me to find serenity was by learning how to surrender. I seem to have hijacked your diary sir and I’m sorry for that. You know I love ya Duncs. Pass my love onto Sarah and the family. -joan

Afternoon dear diary 

balance as always I am truly humbled by your kindness 

joan feel free to write on my thread it’s lovely to see you active again;)

I had a hugely successful weekend at work lots of food delivered to many homes from cream teas on Friday to roast lamb dinners yesterday, today I have popped in for a few hours to tidy up and start preparing for the week ahead. I am spending the evening with Sarah, supper and some r and r. 
looking at the new circumstances that will be in place with regards to the restrictions in place I hope soon to get to spend some time with my beloved hounds I have not seen them for seven weeks now and I miss them dearly.

 I have purpose today, my life is filled with purposeful actions and I am inwardly, mentally challenging myself to seek to live without trying to seek contentment. I believe I have mistakenly searched for the feeling of contentment since I entered recovery eight years ago and I believe that yes I will find moments of contentment but I will never be wholly content because it’s boundaries move with progression.

from that I am more at peace with myself, anger doesn’t overcome my thoughts, selfishness turns to selflessness and have a much healthier  mindset as a result.

 I am beginning to respect the outcome of desire and how I behave when I deviate from plans made, I believe that I will make better choices in life through continuous reviewing my own circumstances and plan were possible because my mental wellbeing is bettered as a result.

 Just for today I did not gamble 

Duncs

Evening dear diary 

yesterday I got to spend an afternoon with my beloved hounds, we walked across the fields near my home and they spent the night along with Sarah, that’s the first time I have seen them in the flesh for eight weeks, from our time together I am buoyed and inspired to keep making the right choices in life going forward,

I have had a terrible few days with horrendous tooth ache, another one of my back teeth has snapped leaving a half jagged tooth and a big hole, I have been living on tablets and accept that I will need to pluck up the courage to fight my demons and visit a dentist when possible, the truth is I am petrified of that prospect, I fear the dentist, I would rather suffer than seek help I believe due to having a pretty brutal dentist as a child, he was rough and always derailed my efforts and we had a terrible relationship as a result. My teeth are in such bad shape due to my consumption of n*******s as a young man and I ground them down at the back and going into adulthood I put my own wellbeing to the back of the queue to often gamble instead.

 I wear many scars from my life internally and my teeth are one of my physical scars, no amount of personal hygiene is enough to stop them breaking and I often wonder if mine don’t contain much enamel, maybe chalk instead lol.

anyhow thanks to those hours spent with my hounds I forgot all about my problems and I have had a day with less pain and pills consumed as a result.

 I have met a fare few folks in the rooms who have put their own wellbeing to the back of the queue to feed addiction, because like my own gambling life there was simply no interest in anything except that next punt and escape from life.

today I choose life without the self destruction, it’s results are profound, the destruction halted, the desire to live as the best version of Duncs so I will get myself to a dentist when I am able and get myself fixed.

 I am the most important person in my life today, that is something I have rarely believed true and I thought was a selfish action but today I am beginning to understand that without looking after my own wellbeing how can I look out for the folk I hold dear.

busy couple of days ahead at work which I will embrace with all I have 

I can achieve all I desire when I am in the recovery program 

just for today 

Duncs 

Good morning Duncan,

I thank you for your kind words on my diary which i take strength from.

Get yourself (when possible) to the dentist mate. It is the most sensible solution.

Please be honest with them about your fears and previous experiences. I am sure they will try the utmost to assist as much as they can.

You know it makes sense.

Best

Hi Dunc's.. interesting to read your thoughts as always. I am of course one of those folks that has put their own well being to the back of the queue in order to feed addiction. Short term gratification for long term physical and psychological pain.

As Bal says, get yourself to the dentist. You will be classed as an emergency because of your "horrendous toothache". My colleague was in the same position. She was referred to one of the dental hubs. She said she was literally in and out within 15 minutes. They numb the area, remove the offending tooth and you leave with pain killers and a prescription for anti-biotics. Job done. I guess am lucky in a way, in that although iv'e lost a tooth I have no pain or infection. I can wait.

Anyway keep up the good recovery work as i try to do the same.

Afternoon dear diary 

thanks for popping by fellas I have some antibiotics to take for the next week and I will be looking to get the offending tooth taken out in the near future because I simply cannot get back to the place I have been in the past five days, I cannot honestly remember a continuous pain like it, I understand that the fact that I have abstained from alcohol since my last episode of gambling means that I didn’t have anything other than counter top medication to escape from the pain and it was pretty hideous, I think I have managed two hours sleep a day in the past five days the rest of the time I have been living with a constant thumping pain riding through my head.

 I have taken a couple of days off now to get some rest and catch up with my sleep, I picked up the hounds a couple of hours ago and we have enjoyed a walk along the shore and now they are sound asleep and I will let my body do what it wants, Sarah is coming over for supper and tomorrow she’s coming over to spend a couple of days which I hope will give her the opportunity to rest herself, working in retail since the circumstances of life changed has been tough on her, some folk just don’t know how to behave.

I have a busy week ahead from Thursday so I’ll get myself prepared physically as well as I can, looking after myself is something that hasn’t been something I have done often in my life 

today I truly understand it’s value.

 I simply am not looking to punish myself anymore, I have taken enough self harming in the past to fill a lifetime.

just for today 

Duncs 

Evening dear diary 

I have been taking my medication for the offending tooth and feel a great deal better for it, I am aware more than ever that I am in control of my actions and am doing all I can to ensure that I live without turning the page in a book which I leave open for the world to see, I have just enjoyed two wonderful days rest with my beloved hounds for a whole day and night just me and them our bond is strong and we had a great deal of fun and made some memories that I will treasure for a long time to come and then two nights with my wife Sarah staying over, time spent well we talked very openly about life and how it’s been and more importantly how it will be going forward, one thing is for sure our love grows, addiction hasn’t broken it, in fact it’s shown me how pure it is. I am aware today more than I have ever been that I can live without feeding addiction, I have grown stronger as a result of my last episode of gambling and I will live in harmony with my addiction, I am aware of my mental health issues and I will learn to live better within the boundaries it brings and equally that I don’t have to run from the way I feel. I am not ashamed of myself, the shame would come if I don’t continue to help myself by seeking help to live a better life without the self harming I have sought for the greater part of my adult life.

addiction in one form or another has been a crutch that I have used to function for a great number of years and I accept that I need to and truly want to find a way to find healthy alternatives to combat the triggers that have my mind seeking escape and ultimately the actions of self harming and mental destruction.

 I have found a love for exercise, I use it to release the tension, I am changing shape physically but mentally I am beginning to understand the greater value I receive through the act of getting fit. Equally I am eating better, less junk and good quality produce that again breeds a better sense of mental wellbeing.

so on mental health awareness week I explore the distinct possibility  that I have a value to bring to life, something that I let addiction tell me I wasn’t worthy of.

 I am committed to progress, to finding purpose in all I do 

from it I find myself truly humbled and equally inspired 

just for today 

Duncs 

Hey,

Thank you for the post the other day (week). So glad to read about your day with beloved hounds...they are brilliant huh...so so calming and loving. For me....dog is the only way to put world to its rights and stay at peace.

Glad you are looking after yourself and your tooth. One of the worst aches ever...feel for you.....

Keep doing what you doing - its working.

All the best.

S&B xx

Evening dear diary 

sandra thanks for popping by, indeed I take so much from my beloved hounds, they give me more joy than I can ever hope for and unconditionally, We rescued them and they in turn have on occasion rescued me.

so I am still gamble free, I feel a little bit of a cheat in some regards writing that because my poison the bookmakers in 3D are closed and have been for the past ten weeks but I recognise that I have not stopped working recovery and equally the fact that I have self excluded from every bookmakers in Portsmouth and the surrounding area means that the circumstances of life are irrelevant because I would not be able to feed addiction even if the shops were open. I fell back into addiction last time through normalising gambling, the lottery became my means to bring gambling into the family home as an innocent act that I protested was a harmless act, scratch cards for everyone and tickets for each and every draw.

for 116 days I haven’t looked at the numbers, let alone bought a ticket or brought a scratch card Because I understand that I cannot gamble in any form because one single act of gambling isn’t enough, once I start in any form the itch to gamble becomes impossible to resist, the voice of addiction whispers its sweet nothings about the harmless fun I will have and enjoy and the wealth it will gift.

 I see straight through that sober, I will never win, I don’t gamble to win, I gambled to escape my mind.

 I live actively gambling by a mantra 

I Cannot win because I cannot stop.

sober I turn that on it’s head

I gift myself a 100% pay rise, I see the value in every single penny I earn and I actually enjoy the more simplicity I get as a result.

 I am one bet from total destruction, oblivion

I will never forget that 

busy couple of days ahead at work then a couple of days r and r with Sarah and our hounds.

A reward greater than anything available in a bookmakers or a lottery win

I have a greater understanding of those words today because I haven’t stopped rediscovering since I arrested that last punt.

just for today 

Duncs