evening dear diary
boro thanks for popping by fella, I have to disagree with you because fundamentally I believe that you can recover from this addiction, compulsion, disease or whatever it is labelled. The blunt truth is if you release the ability to live without giving the inner self the ability to have that first punt then you won’t remain abstinent. And in a nutshell I fed the desire that came from inside my mind.
The piece of my mind that defaults to feeding addiction when allowed grows from the little man through abstinence to again the big bully that smashes the rational man who has tried to grow through what recovery has fed him.
in life I have learnt that Big #%c#k€#s small and when allowed that’s what I do to myself.
I have learnt a great deal, I believed and you would find in the ramblings of this diary that I thought that relapse was a sign of weakness, that if you relapsed you were weak and not committed. I was wrong, I haven’t forgotten a thing in the past eight years and I have learnt a great deal about life.
I want the life I have tasted, I know how to make the big man who rampaged around my mind these past few months small again and now it’s about putting into place all those things that I have learnt and a true network of support to remain in abstinence.
with regards to my beloved family, right now we are detached, I have to have space and they do too, I don’t know what the future outcome will be, I know that I can create a better chance to truly have them as a part of my life if I become the person I have been at times in the past eight years. I want, truly want to be a better consistent decent fella who doesn’t give to addiction when he finds the going gets tough. I want it to be inexcusable for me.
that is a statement that I never thought I would write. I firmly believed that I had to be selfless but just for today I will be selfish.
with that I also know there is a fine line
equally to recover you have to be able to give your recovery away
I will happily share it, I have written my life here warts and all for the best part of eight years and I won’t ever underestimate the power of that again.
just for today through my actions I have been kind to myself
Thank you for your post and for sharing your views which we encourage. It is however important that people understand this is your own personal point of view and not based on actual facts when you say "I believe it we will never beat this addiction"
Many people do overcome the challenge of problem gambling and go on to live a life that is gamble free, they achieve this in many ways so what works for one person doesn't necessary work for another. Putting blocks in place is a great suggestion and one that we would encourage.
There is always hope and although overcoming problem gambling is a challenge, it is possible to do and it is one that many people achieve.
If you would like to talk further then please call our helpline on 0808 8020 133 or access our Netline via our GamCare website.
morning dear diary
boro for what it’s worth I am glad you posted what you did, I have a fundamental problem with that saying ‘problem gambling’ because for me that is an industry led phrase that implies that we are solely accountable and marking it a problem rather than any form of other much more powerful words available would simply qualify the gambler to a wider range of support and funding to help address the issue.
but and that is a huge but I write this without anger, without the desire to find an excuse to throw my arms in the air and run from this forum. The authors own the words and if one word helps just one person abstain from gambling today that is the reason, no more no less. Me I am all in I have a clear view today that this is another place for me to find strength and honesty.
we are fragile as a whole, we often don’t want to hear how it is, we have often built up a feeling of woe is me, we don’t want to hear that our behaviour is not one that is of a good nature, active we behaved in frankly an abhorrent fashion and couldn’t or wouldn’t see it. Me I behaved like a c$%#**t¥*#€
I believe my life has been like a cookery book, full of dishes, recipes and glossy pictures and the truth is mentally I desire to have nothing more than the fancy high end exciting food when I actually should learn to appreciate the simple things often have brought the most joyous outcome.
life will be about context moving forward, I want to enjoy the bread and butter as much as I do the fanciful things because for no other reason than I love the bread and butter.
I will remember that.
just for today
Hopefully you have made your way through the gambling mists and are seeing things clearly and feeling much better for it.
You are not one to relapse all that much and deserve to take great pride in that. You once told me: "you know the drill." Those words have lived with me and have taken me through many relapses and hard times. Likewise, you know the drill and can now, like before, enjoy a long period of abstinence.
I genuinely belief that we can conquer this addiction and still have every faith that you can and will do so. We will always have the startling memories of a former selves and there will also be temptation on every corner and every channel, but I think becoming unaffected by these is the key, for me at least.
Always gratefully here for you and looking forward to seeing you notch up the gamble free days one boundary at a time.
I am sorry to learn of the current family situation but I’m sure with time that will heal and return to normal. I always recall how important your wife and kids were to you and how fondly you spoke of them and how much you love them and they love you. Your actions will show through and again you embark on recovery and a better life.
Absolutely we can recover and live a great life without gambling. We are trying to do better and to be better. The aim is to live our lives gamble free and make it an enjoyable journey where we see the improvements that abstinence and recovery ultimately provide.
I didn't have to try too hard to not gamble today. I am in the habit of not gambling now and with that things have gotten progressively better. Life is better. All I wanted was to stop, for the mind torture to stop, for the lying to stop, for the sleepless nights to stop, for the constant worry to stop, for the unhappiness to stop. All of that is stopped and I am grateful for that in a way I have never been before. One day soon may be horrendous and I’ll need to cope with that. I’m not saying Im ready for that but I have respect for this addiction and I’m aware I need to take care and be respectful of what I have and what Ive done to get here after years of misery. I cannot predict how I’ll feel three months from now but I know I’ll go into tomorrow with the advantage of feeling good because of the way Ive lived today.
The world is your oyster and anything is achievable. You’ve encountered difficult, challenging times in the past and you've came back from them stronger and happier than before. You’ll do this again this time around. I’m the world’s biggest believer in what you put in you get back out and you’re a grafter. You threw your heart and soul into recovery previously and you enjoyed many years of having a better life. You know what’s available and now you need to go and get it one day at a time.
Take care buddy,
Morning dear diary
markman thanks for your message I am truly humbled and yes I am at the batting crease again I will take all I have learnt on this journey, I will add more each day to improve the circumstances and I will from that create the opportunity for change.
rr fella the black and white is if you give to addiction it will take everything and more. I have a short term plan that will give me the opportunity to provide myself and my family with a choice, I will accept that the choice of my family will be of their own making and I know that my future actions will have a bearing on that.
I am back to work today I am starting again in a premises that I gave some hours to but today it’s a better opportunity, the owners know wholly the situation and have vowed to help wherever possible
that’s humbling and I have told them that I won’t be seeking any short term solutions this is a long game and I fully understand the premise of helping myself
just for today
Good evening Duncan,
A pleasure to post on your diary again.
I regard you as a powerful poster on the forum and one which i personally have taken great advice from. Your posts are raw, emotional and from the heart. For that i thank you. For that i feel truly humbled
When i arrived here i read your diary and if being honest in those days i didnt get it. What is he saying? I dont get it. Why?
But i persevered and listened and learned from many strong individuals. It now makes a bit more sense.
As for being at the batting crease happy to bat along side you and can even be a 12th man with the drinks tray.
Stay strong, keep batting and keep posting.
Morning dear diary
bal thanks for popping by fella, I am humbled and ashamed by your words because I have been in life great at giving advice but I haven’t taken my own advice on board wholly.
I have been to the gym this morning had a solid hours workout, I let go of the nigglely frustration I was holding. I know that the little man in there the sober being wants to get it all done this morning. I need to remind myself that I have to breathe, I have to take stock of what I accomplished yesterday
was I kinder to others, was I committed to taking a further understanding of myself, was I satisfied with the effort I gave.
I did one thing that I have not before, I self excluded from every bookmakers in Portsmouth and the surrounding area, the fella I am working for said wow how do you know where all the bookmakers are??
history I answered.
I will leave no stone unturned to give myself the opportunity to create change.
I accept that I am one bet from the end
just for today
Morning dear diary
Yesterday I let go of a barrel load of emotions I cried rather than get angry, it’s raw brutally raw right now but I understand that this is a new set of emotions, on previous occasions I have expressed my emotions through anger, the feeling that I wanted control I wanted to win it all back. Today I know without doubt that I need to hand my financial control completely over to another, I have done so and unlike the past eight years I feel inwardly proud to do that, I accept that my life will be made profoundly better by doing so. I understand today the value of seeking help, to strip myself bare and rather than just believing that time alone away from gambling will bring the results I want, I am talking about my addiction to folk I thought foolishly before would render me weak. I understand the strength I want will come from every action I take.
I have four long days of cooking from today and Monday I will have the opportunity for a days rest, something that on occasions of relapse I have not done, rewarded the efforts I give by being kind to myself and from that I know my attitude will improve.
I guess that what I have the greatest understanding I have found myself believing is that I am in this for life not just a short term gain
the polar opposite of the life I have all to often lived
just for today
Evening dear diary
so tonight I had a night off I used it in the best way possible I walked down gamble road Portsmouth, yes gamble road and into the GA meeting held there in the community centre as it is every Thursday, I smiled at the road sign, an irony in it.
I have had my medicine, I understand fully how committed I am to becoming the person I know I can be.
I had such a connection, I simply want more, I have the opportunity to get to two more rooms in the next five days and if the opportunity arises for me to attend I will take all I can get.
enlightened, inspired and more hungry than ever.
I want what is in the room, the humility and desire to see another get well with no desire for anything except good will in return to become the metaphor for my life.
just for today
My intention was never to make you feel ashamed, however, in hindsight it may have been a good thing. I see a new determination and a complete focus to bring your life back to the way you want it.
Please make sure you look after yourself without a burn out.
Good Morning Duncs,
I’m glad that GA meetings are offering you some comfort and support. As you are very well aware if you give yourself honestly to meetings you will receive so much from them. You can walk out of that room feeling amazing, like your resolve has bern topped up. Its simply great therapy.
Take care and have a lovely weekend.
Morning dear diary
I remain gamble free from that I have been able to focus on my life, to take further stock of myself and the actions which led me back to the bookmakers and from that ways to live without letting those feelings return. I have to be able to let my emotions go, bottling up my inner thoughts good and bad have led to the feelings of hopelessness that drive that inner part of me to just say f#%*o#k it a switch I will remove from my life.
Bal keep writing fella this is what I need to read, hear and live because from it sober I will continue to make the choices that bring me the life I want, the life I have for 8 years seeking.
I have a job that hasn’t made me feel anger, I have been getting to the gym every day to expend the mass of energy I have rattling around my body, I have been like a cat on a hot tin roof all my life, I struggle to sit still for five minutes, I have found somewhere to expend the energy and as a result I feel great, I weighed myself on Saturday night, the last time I weighed myself in the gym I was 107kg, that was on 11/09/2019 and on Saturday night I weighed 92.8kg and that weight has been lost in the past two weeks. I will continue to do this until I am comfortable with myself. I haven’t watched the tablet in bed like I had before the last episode of gambling ended, I would watch it all night and now I sleep. Back to sleeping for six hours a day and I spring out of bed and I have a want to.
I understand that before I have run at life, thrown myself at work and to the world I appear ‘fixed’ when in truth I have never actually fully committed to fixing myself.
today I am finding the value of this action.
today I have been to the gym rest day today so I had a sauna and later I will be seeing my beloved hounds, the reward I will give myself for my efforts last week
just for today