Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning dear diary 

up with the larks this morning and in work early because I want to put a proper shift in today so tomorrow I can take a day off and be able to forget about work and have some quality time. I feel good within myself today that comes often with a price, good often follows with bad, but I accept that is life on life’s terms.

 I am going to an AA meeting tomorrow, going to continue exploring every avenue because I truly do want a life in recovery, I have begun to taste it and it leaves me hungry.

just for today 

Duncs 

Morning dear diary 

I forfilled my desire to have a day off yesterday I had a very memorable day with Sarah, we walked the hounds and got them so muddy that they had to shower lol, we had some lunch together and a good chat then I attended an A.A. meeting last night to explore the possibilities of seeking dual recovery as without doubt I swap gambling for alcohol as a form of escape, I felt a bit out of place at first, I don’t take drink in the morning, I have not blacked out through consumption and I have rarely drunk hard liquor just beer but for me it’s a terrible habit that grows through time, I will start with a couple of beers a night then progress to a dozen a night and then won’t remember a day without alcohol and I will without doubt substitute doing other things with drinking. I will attend more meetings and I will through choice abstain from drinking. I believe that I have learnt a great deal about myself over the past month, I had  grown an ego I despise its almost as if I seek to #%f&00#k my life up so I get the praise of redemption when I fix the mess and I accept that this feeds my desire to be liked, put in high regard and seen as a decent fella. The truth is I don’t need to hit the destruct button I don’t want to live with the roller coaster ride any longer.

tonight I am travelling 50 miles to attend a different GA meeting which I will take from another dose of the medicine and knowledge I need 

just for today 

Duncs 

Evening dear diary 

just back from another room and another evening well spent in the company of like minded folk who share the desire to abstain from the compulsion to gamble. I once again found myself giving therapy and from it I gained more resolve to seek more information, knowledge and further education to change the way I think and act towards others and more over how I think and feel about myself and the workings of my mind.

 I am enjoying my time in the rooms, I want to be in them, I know how powerful every meeting is.

no meeting tomorrow a night off it’s our Lily’s birthday so a coffee to celebrate 

just for today 

Duncs 

Hey mate

Stopping by to wish you all the best moving forward.

So many types of people frequent these shores - each with a different history and story. However when you boil things down ultimately there are those clambering around in the darkness desparately looking for people to share light with them - and those who have the light and use it for the aforementioned. 

Neither are better, neither are worse of course. Once you have that light I believe it never goes out. You helped me to light my way and now I am moving forward - I am eternally grateful to you. In the early days I was a completely broken man, your musings and way with words offered me a glimmer of hope that I could wake up in the morning and lay my head down to rest at night without all the self-destruction in the middle.

I am on my way in this respect, thank you again Dunc.

So you chose to put down your lamp and make your way down a dark alley did you? Try to take it with you everywhere you go from now on buddy... it's your best friend.

And thank the lord you have the one you have - your one is one of the most brightest I have ever seen. As mentioned before - some people make their journey in darkness - hoping they come across someone who will share light with them.

You are very lucky to have what you have. And so are we.

Take care bro x

Hi Duncs, just dropped in to see how things are, ,, And I drop in because i want to, my want is my need and my need is my want, ya know mate i am sick of thinking, there’s a lot more in our lives than the gambling, drinking, there’s a whole lot more than than that in each and every one of us, too much, so much, lots of personal history that can’t be put down and so don’t over power every thing into the gambling and drinking, sometimes I’m sick of thinking and i have to try and take it away, the thinking, i can go to far thinking and looking and that becomes a fire, and I’m fuelling it, self distruction awaits, ,, understand situations, self situation, i am who i am, i will slow down on that road and i will take a drink, maybe a blow out for myself, but i won’t gather any more speed searching, i won’t hurt anyone, i won’t gamble, that’s it for now, Bob. Good luck to you mate, take care, it’s in us but we have the choice, the choice is going to be the right choice, that’s why we have a real chance,, going forward,, bobby j

Signalman, bobby

thanks for your kind words there’s a lot to be taken from what is said, I am buoyed by the fact that I have given myself the best opportunity to live without gambling addiction stealing anymore from my life, I have every block in place and not because I seek redemption but because I have the utter desire to remain abstinent because I from that have the opportunity to work upon myself. I feel amazingly peaceful and calm yet I know that a storm runs wild around me, I can step into that storm when it’s befitting and deal with the issues my last episode of gambling brought and the stuff life throws up day to day, but I understand the benefit of returning into the eye of my storm to take stock and breathe for a while. I am no longer in a race to get everything done yesterday as a result, I will be patient and I am listening rather than talking over the top or just shutting myself off when folk have something to say.

 I accept that good and bad will enter and leave my life in equal measure and I will take both for what they are rather than trying to cherry pick what I think I want.

sober in every sense of the words work for me, I gain from that choice the opportunity to be true.

tonight I have another meeting, another welcome dose of the medicine in truth only like minded folk can give.

just for today 

Duncs 

Morning dear diary 

had a great meeting yesterday and I took a great deal from it, I have focus today as a result, I have three long shifts ahead and I hope as a result I will get to another room on Sunday evening, I won’t make any plans because I know what the result can be if they are not met.

just for today I will not act in a fashion that is unbefitting to the fella I looked at this morning in the mirror 

sober I have a growing drive to be the best I can be.

Duncs

Duncs,

Love reading that buddy. True positive action. It made me feel positive. Love it, love it, love it.

Keep going. Keep sharing.

RR

Evening dear diary 

rr fella I write as I always have here from the heart, I have the ability to do so sober.

had a great day today, worked a thirteen hour day with an hour off in the middle of it, Sarah and lily brought the hounds down and we ran them in the local park to which they got fully covered in mud to the degree that we had to wash them down before they went home much to their delight. We had coffee and cake at my place of work, well the girls did, I am avoiding anything sweet as I am still knocking the pounds off. 
I have never felt this fit before in my life, I have been to the gym every day except today and will be back there tomorrow, I am feeling the results in many ways.

 I have taken to eating porridge every morning and I have stopped picking all day as a result, I am starting to understand where I just simply never looked after myself in the past and as a result I left myself unfit for the purpose.

 I am not going to get to GA tomorrow as we have some late bookings so I will get to a meeting Tuesday and Sarah is going to attend as it’s an open meeting which I truly believe will have a profound impact on both of our lives in a positive way.

 I really do want Sarah to have a true recovery from a life in addiction without her actually being an addict. Because I understand the power of those actions, there’s nothing I have not told her, I have truly stripped myself bare and as a result honesty is the way I want to live life.

 I understand what that does to addiction, it paralyses it, yes it’s there but right now today it holds no power.

 I stood in the local shop tonight because I had to grab something for my workplace and I laughed to myself because the lottery rack of scratch cards stared at me and I simply don’t have the cash or cards to buy any because the triangle is broken 

Time-Money-Location 

as a result there’s money safely in the bank and Sarah has total control of it.

 I laughed because without buying any I actually win

since I arrested the ability to gamble in any form I have gifted myself a 100% pay rise which just for today is enough to raise a big smile.

Duncs

Morning dear diary 

A busy couple of days work and yesterday I spent the day with my beloved hounds, we got even more covered in mud, they had their nails cut and ate too many treats a day of memories to treasure, they have played such a big part of my recovery over the past eight years and I accept that they are better where they are rather than with me 24/7 because right now I have to look after myself wholly.

 I have a day off with Sarah today we are attending a GA meeting together tonight a ten year pinning at an open meeting I hope that she takes a lot from the room because I so want her to have recovery as a big part of life.

 I took stock of myself yesterday I am happy with the effort I have given to myself, I look wholly different from the fella I did six weeks ago, I am starting to feel better about a great deal of things I am no longer afraid of the truth in fact the opposite bothers me a great deal more , funny because active I deal in lies and sober I feel all indignant when I know someone is lying, I will learn that I just have to deal with what comes out of my mouth and not react to much on the words of another.

 I have lost my inner rage, it is being replaced with a determination, a growing sense of the fact that I want to be wholly responsible for my actions, I know that I make decisions in a better fashion sober and that sober in all forms.

 I am Really happy in my work, really happy that Sarah is giving me the opportunity to share with her, I am happy that I haven’t wasted a minute or hour in the past few weeks, I have used my time in a much better fashion than I have for a long time.

from that I am inspired, I am hungry for a life without self loathing,self harm through feeding addiction and I know that I have given myself the opportunity for this to happen, the truth is for me abstinence comes easy for the first year it’s what I do in this time I know will be important moving forward, I don’t want to be back to the position I have found myself in again, I do truthfully believe that it’s different this time because I am making it so.

 I said in a meeting last week that I believe that over the past eight years I have written a recipe book of recovery and now I have the ingredients 

so now it’s time to start cooking 

just for today 

Duncs 

Afternoon dear diary 

I went to a GA meeting last night and for the first time in my recovery Sarah attended with me as it was an open meeting and I am so proud of her for her attendance and the words she found the courage to say to the room, I hope that it isn’t the last meeting she will attend and I hope that she took what was said on board because I felt another brick was laid between myself and addiction.

it was a very emotional meeting and one were some brutally honest therapy was given and truthfully I don’t think that there was a dry eye in the room, for me I am inspired and truly humbled by what the room gives, another meeting tomorrow and I look forward to another dose of the medicine I want.

 I do believe, I feel wholly different about recovery today, I am 100% focused on changing the way I react to life’s trials and tribulations and I really do want to live a life on life’s terms.

without doubt in my mind I know that I have made a life choice I will attend the rooms as often as I can, I believe that I have seen past my failings to wholly commit to the fellowship, with honesty I let addiction stand in the doorway because I still let it have me believe that it held the answer to my shortcomings.

 I know today that my shortcoming was the failure to commit, my gambling ego said well what’s in it for me?? Well today it has had its fill It has emotionally and physically and lastly financially had all I will give it because I cannot take anymore of the circumstances it brings, the inner pain and the pain it causes others as a result.

 I am equally so pleased to have got the opportunity to get to four different rooms because yes each one is a GA meeting but each one has its own character and I have found balance in my opinion of what is the best way a room goes about applying the principles of GA and in truth they all offer something that I believe is simply priceless and only available by attending meetings.

right now it’s working for me to get to as many meetings as possible because I am working recovery as hard as I worked feeding addiction and the results are having a profound impact on my life and hopefully in time other folk I hold dear.

tonight I have a night to myself I have a book to finish I will eat well and get an early night because I understand the value of looking after myself.

just for today 

Duncs 

Evening dear diary 

I am on a bus to GA I have treated myself to the warmth of a bus because it is £2.50 for a ticket that I can use for the rest of the night and I save myself a 15 mile cycle to and from GA. so I have afforded myself the luxury.

 I worked hard today, did several unasked tasks just because they needed doing, I won’t mention the fact I have done them just enjoy the fact that work will be more enjoyable as a result.

 I enjoyed the effort and carried that to the gym for a good hours workout as a result.

life without feeding addiction grows in my desire to live it.

life on life’s terms 

just for today 

Duncs 

Morning dear diary 

I am without doubt in the groove, I am content with the effort I am giving to my life in every aspect, I have found confidence from the actions that I have taken, the fact I cannot have a punt because I have the right blocks in place frees my mind from addiction, I know that I will keep these in place for the rest of my life because I have failed to keep addiction from my life when those blocks have been lifted.

 I akinned it to being treated like a child in a meeting this week and was corrected by another fellowship member that I am not a child, I am a compulsive gambler who is committed to recovery and those blocks are a tool on the table that I am using because they work.

he is Bob on because I have learnt from my shortcomings and my past actions and as a result life will be profoundly better.

in truth the triggers that set addiction to gain control are equally being removed and I am truly enjoying the fact that I am not fighting addiction within my mind as result constantly.

to make this possible honesty has been the key, being honest with everything including myself is what gives opportunity, the opportunity of a life in recovery and a life with choices.

 I am no longer on the rollercoaster of emotional highs or lows I have found a gentle path

I will follow it to the place I seek, that is to fully embrace the twelve step program, something that is my target because I believe that it will have a profoundly positive impact on my life.

off to work a bit later today, I worked a long shift yesterday and my boss rewarded me with a later start which is an act of kindness that I haven’t often received in my professional life and I know that the result will be of benefit to everyone.

just for today 

Duncs 

Afternoon dear diary 

I had a very busy and productive weekend at work I am enjoying the job I have taken immensely I am working alone in the kitchen most of the time and only have one other member of kitchen staff who is a joy to work with so that alone has relieved a great deal of stress in comparison to the last kitchen I ran and I can just enjoy cooking without interruption. As a result equally the buck stops with me and I have been giving my best every day I work as I have in all aspects of my life. I have had a day off today, spent it with my beloved hounds, oh we have had such fun and tonight Sarah is coming over for supper so I am using my time in good fashion, I even got a couple of hours in the gym this morning before picking up the hounds so a day well spent and addiction reels backwards as a result. I know that it will try it’s luck at some point and I will be ready, I simply cannot place  a punt the blocks are well placed. Last night my brain wanted a beer, I batted the thought away, I know that I benefit from abstaining from alcohol because it feeds the dark side of my brain and right now I have opened the curtains and window that I have had shut in the past and I am enjoying enlightening my mind.

 The thought of this current health crisis played on my mind and I spoke with the fella I work who assured me that I will be looked after and in truth we can just wait to see what unfolds in the coming days, I accept I don’t have any control over what it will bring and I will live accordingly.

 I have received so much support over the past six weeks I am truly humbled at the actions of many folk, this morning I encountered a pretty frosty reception in the gym from a couple of members of staff who I will assume know what happened, I just smiled and moved on with my day inwardly respecting their actions and in irony I thought that previous to this episode of gambling I was always welcomed in a good fashion by the staff and the patrons of the gym made me often feel uncomfortable with their glances at my attire and physic, and today they seem due to my weight loss and the fact I am actively using the equipment even though I am still dressing in the same attire which doesn’t conform with what most folk wear have accepted me as one of them, lol I am not bothered either way I just want to get on with exercising in my own world with my podcast on, full on looking I imagine like a frog in a blender lol.

exercise has become my go to I get so much joy out of expending all my excess energy equally I am learning new limits and from that I gain a different confidence. 
so I am walking the walk in my own way 

just for today 

Duncs 

Duncan good evening,

I note you have been here 8 years and me 5. During this time I have learned so much from you. You talk about Sarah and your hounds in such beautifal  terms and they deserve you and you deserve them.

This addiction has grabbed you and grabbed me and we have fought 100% to deal with it.

I have taken great strength from your posts which have meant i have had to question my own recovery and look at it from a different viewpoint. For that I am grateful.

Your posts deal with the addiction. You are articilate and you are a survivor.

I wish you and your family all the best and when the Hatters and Pompey are together again would like to buy you a drink

Best wishes