Morning dear diary
a bank holiday weekend negotiated with little drama, yes a few strange requests from diners but by and large we came out unscathed, we got to enjoy the cricket on the radio which was thrilling, I really do enjoy test cricket and even more so on the radio. So a new week, new challenges good and bad will come my way, I have a day off Friday and will get my head down until then and concentrate on work, feeding myself well and exercise because I know that the outcome will be one of positive feelings and yes I can keep piling the hours in because from the graft plans can be made and forfilled. We have a week off at the end of September in which I have booked five days on a narrow boat.
something that I may have talked about throughout my gambling life but never got past just talking. Life today due to a prolonged period of abstinence has created choices. I believe that those choices are what I robbed myself of, because I acted like a dog that chased its own tail.
I understand that my tail still wags, addiction often waves furiously to try and gain my attention and with that one step into the door of a bookmakers would bring my life to turmoil, I am one bet away from destruction but in equal measure I am another day better off for making my choice yesterday.
I remind myself how fragile the line is, from that I gather strength
just for today I will make a choice
abstain and maintain
duncs stepping forward never back
Abstinence and recovery are not the same thing.
For me I needed to abstain before my recovery and healing could happen.
For me abstaining meant I gave up hurting myself and people around me.
For me recovery means healing, I could not heal until I admitted to myself I was admitting the pain I was living with.
Before my recovery I use to bury and suppress my feelings.
For me walking in to the recovery program was very scary.
I had learned to live my life in so many fears.
Today my inner child is mostly healed.
My reaction in unhealthy anger is reducing drastiacally.
I am honest and open.
I am able to be myself.
No more escaping in my fears from people life and situations I was not able to cope with.
AKA Dave of Beckenham
I hope you and the family are well and that your family continues to reap the rewards that abstinence brings.
I really hope you guys had your break on the longboats. Something I am sure my humble family would equally relish.
Thank you so much for your words of support back in August. They helped me more than you could know.
That was a slip in a moment of vulnerability which escalated and to be honest I could not face the Forum again until I felt as if I was truly back in recovery.
Well I am back and hope to see you back sometime soon.
morning dearest diary
today is 8 days since I last gambled, since October 2019 I have relapsed and I got called out last Friday by our youngest son, the outcome has been catastrophic and life changing for ever. I have been on the recovery road for 8 years and a week but in truth never have I entered the recovery program fully and for my own wellbeing, I could write that I did it for my family blah blah but the truth is I have never felt worthy of true recovery, I still felt inwardly unworthy. It’s something that I was warned about, that whatever bottom you hit it gets worse if you don’t admit to yourself that live in its terms is unmanageable.
I won’t scrap the past eight years, they’ve been profoundly better than the twenty before that. I have learnt a great deal about myself and more about life and how I can live and enjoy it.
now and only now do I believe I want recovery for myself.
no lying to myself, no pretending to the world that all’s rosy when it isn’t and to find the courage to ask for help.
just for today
something to easily forgotten
Well done for finding the courage to come back, most people don't
I do remember reading some things you wrote some time ago and thinking to myself that you were setting the scene for exiting stage left and a possible return to gambling.
... and as I have found out myself, once the gambling has re-established itself as a habit, it is again difficult to break that habit....
... but the fact that you have now decided to start posting again is a good sign.
Like you say...
Just for today.
I have read through your diary many times and it saddened me to read your earlier post however, your willingness to work your addiction and your love for your family always shone through to me.
Ive no doubt the past few months have been horrendous for you but the journey starts again to the right the wrongs of the past and you will do that I’ve no doubt.
Gambling addiction is tough but we can succeed in having great lives without the addiction destroying everything and everyone that we care about. You led the way in doing that for a long, long time. I wish you the very, very, very best.
There was I thinking that you were simply P****d off and put off by the new Forum layout!
I am so sorry to hear about your troubles and can only hope that any damage is not long lasting.
As you have so often told me, do not be so hard on yourself. You do deserve recovery and you know you can overcome this, because you have done so many times before. The fact that you can slip only goes to show how evil this addiction is.
You have been a pillar of support for innumerable people on this Forum over the years, myself especially, and now is time for the troops to rally around you.
In thr 8 years we have not spoken or shared details but Gamcare has my authority to share my number and email address if you ever want to talk to a like minded soul. I am always available.
Take care and please let us know how you are getting on.
Evening dearest diary
today has been a profitable day, more profitable than any day during my recent episodes of gambling, not for financial gain but for moral and the lessons learnt. I know today that what I am doing for myself is something like in my mind the equivalent of three ga meetings a day. I am soaking up lessons from many decent folk and just for today I have not judged anyone, questioned unreasonably what’s been said or carried too much of those conversations beyond what was said at the time.
I have spent a lifetime second guessing what you really meant, when in truth you just meant what you said, I have spent a lifetime believing that I am not worthy and as a result polarised every situation with often an outcome of utter despair and with that self loathing.
I believe today that I have proven to myself that I am worthy of a life, and I more than ever want it.
I was told to breathe and slow down by a wiser fellow than myself this week and I will continue to do so.
The urgency to fix this has prospective today, the scars will form and heal in good time if I sustain the effort
just for today I pinned my ears back and listened, I replied when I felt necessary to and from that felt enlightened that I was listened to.
that without doubt deflates the compulsive gambler within me.
tomorrow is another day, I will look to feed my desire to get well and that will be enough
just for today
Thanks for the message on my diary.
Im glad to learn that you’ve had a productive day. Your mind is being reset and now your back on the road to abstinence and recovery. As you say scars will heal. For me, you and everyone else we’ll get out what we put in to this. You’re all heart and I know that you’ll put your heart and soul into your recovery.
Im trying hard to change and to build new healthy habits not to use as distraction but to bring happiness to my life in other ways.
Take care buddy.
Evening dear diary
Had a good day today with regards to my recovery. Before the latest episode I always looked forward, I had a belief that I had indeed put my past behind me so I had no need to look back.
I believe that through that thinking I left a massive tool in my recovery missing.
I am hanging off a cliff right now, hanging on but I have a long way to climb, as I have before, but today unlike those other times I have looked behind and I am building a safety net, I am building the knowledge that I have a support system that I am putting in place, a network of good, no great folk and as many other things I can do so that when I hit a pothole or find a path I haven’t faced I am able to seek guidance as a result of my actions to have a safety net.
today I have had the privilege of talking to two like minded folk who by the actions they took to take time out of their days to make mine one in which I can again see a brighter light at the end of the tunnel.
for that I am humbled and enriched as a result
just for today
I am shocked to see you back on here Duncan I thought you had decided to move on from the diaries and was hoping you were leading a life gamble free. Like I’m sure you have told a few people on here and I believe it we will never beat this addiction the only thing we can do is have every block in place and try and be strong. Are your family standing by you because I know they mean the world to you but this is a horrible illness we have. Stay strong mate