Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning dear diary 

I remain gamble free from that I have been able to focus on my life, to take further stock of myself and the actions which led me back to the bookmakers and from that ways to live without letting those feelings return. I have to be able to let my emotions go, bottling up my inner thoughts good and bad have led to the feelings of hopelessness that drive that inner part of me to just say f#%*o#k it a switch I will remove from my life.

Bal keep writing fella this is what I need to read, hear and live because from it sober I will continue to make the choices that bring me the life I want, the life I have for 8 years seeking.

 I have a job that hasn’t made me feel anger, I have been getting to the gym every day to expend the mass of energy I have rattling around my body, I have been like a cat on a hot tin roof all my life, I struggle to sit still for five minutes, I have found somewhere to expend the energy and as a result I feel great, I weighed myself on Saturday night, the last time I weighed myself in the gym I was 107kg, that was on 11/09/2019 and on Saturday night I weighed 92.8kg and that weight has been lost in the past two weeks. I will continue to do this until I am comfortable with myself. I haven’t watched the tablet in bed like I had before the last episode of gambling ended, I would watch it all night and now I sleep. Back to sleeping for six hours a day and I spring out of bed and I have a want to.

 I understand that before I have run at life, thrown myself at work and to the world I appear  ‘fixed’ when in truth I have never actually fully committed to fixing myself.

today I am finding the value of this action.

today I have been to the gym rest day today so I had a sauna and later I will be seeing my beloved hounds, the reward I will give myself for my efforts last week 

just for today 

Duncs 

Duncan,

I am so pleased to see you are back to stepping forward and focussing on positive things.

Very well done on the weigh loss. I know how difficult it is. Nothing is worse than not being able to fit into your clothes, and then not having enough money to buy new ones, because you gambled away every penny you had or, because to by new clothes, would mean that you have no money left to gamble with.

That is where the whole "TRTP" concept comes from. For years I, like a philanthropist, would give every last penny I had to whatever gambling den was closest and I just did not see how ragged my own trousers had become.

On Wednesday I am 200 days gamble free. Like you, I have spent the past few months going to the gym and in the last six weeks I have lost 22 lbs in weight - I am not sure what that is in kg. As a result my trousers hang very loose indeed. In fact, I bent over to pick a file out of my cabinet this morning, only for the receptionist to walk in and see my trousers fallen below my a**e! The difference is today I can afford to buy a slightly smaller pair.

If the weight is one of the underlying factors that triggers you to gamble, as I suppose it is mine, I hope you manage to arrest it and get to that "ideal" as it will be another aspect of your life that it much better.

Sorry if I am sounding like a girl on the weight loss subject - my Missus says I do!

Look after yourself.

Mark

Evening dear diary 

markman thanks for your post, a huge well done on again reaching 200 days of abstinence for that be proud.

for me I have achieved periods of prolonged abstinence passing four figures of continuous days once in the eight years I have written my diary but with total honesty the last eighteen days are the ones which I take the most from, why?

tonight I faced a choice, I could accept the offer to go and watch Portsmouth on the huge tv in hotel who’s gym I use or get in another meeting, without doubt in the past I would have said well I will get to the xxxxxxxx meeting on Thursday and that will be sufficient to please everyone concerned, tonight I went to xxxxxxxx and sat and took in two hours wonderful therapy. I am so pleased I made the choice which will have a profoundly positive impact on my life.

 I want to get to two meetings a week whenever possible, I took so much from that room.

GA will be a very important aspect of my life moving forward because I today believe I finally understand what it brings and I am fully committed to getting as much of it as I can.

someone in the room sat nodding when I spoke and said in reply, we work hard , harder than many other aspects of living whilst gambling and when we truly want recovery it’s good to match  the effort we gave to our addiction.

once again I am all in, I will give my life’s work to my rediscovering the life without addiction being a big part player in it.

for life I respect that I am one day, one hour, one minute away from madness 

just for today I choose recovery 

Duncs

Dunc,

I loved reading the last paragraph of your post. One minute, one hour, one day away from madness. I couldn't agree with this any more than I do. One decision to gamble would see me as bad as ever. Many talk these words but until you experience long abstinence followed by relapse then it is just words. Weve both experienced the depths we can reach after one bet even after enjoying a long period without it. I am more aware than ever before that I am one bad decision away from utter madness in my life.

Thanks for sharing.

RR

Dear diary 

rr thanks for your kind words, I will remember the fact that I am one punt from total destruction, today that is where I am.

 I had an email from the forum admin stating that I had my previous post edited because I wrote the locations of my GA meetings I may be recognised as this is a public forum so in kind I have edited my profile picture so everyone can identity me because I have no desire to remain anonymous I understand that there’s folk out there who do and that’s your choice but for me I have nothing to hide, I have by telling the world that I need help, that I have stripped myself bare and will rebuild using the knowledge I have gained and the knowledge I will gain as I move forward.

 I accept that I am what I am, I will never give myself false sets of expectations again, I know what they can bring.

to be happy inside my own skin and be valued for the effort I will give to life is my goal 

just for today 

Duncs 

Evening dear diary 

today has been a good day my old friend, I got to the second meeting this week and all being well I have secured a lift on Sunday to get to another room, I want this I have a set of circumstances were I can hopefully get to three meetings a week and I will do so for as long as my circumstances dictate that as a possibility because right now I need to hear what’s said in those rooms, tonight I found my voice and I received some great advice in return.

 I went at it through my last episode I let addiction rule the roost, I listened to it’s ridiculous waffle, that I was entitled to a wager, that it was my friend.

 I sober know the difference, sober I know that I will take great power from what is said by like minded folk who want nothing in return other than to keep their own recovery working by giving their own recovery away.

 I understand the way that sends addiction running for the deepest parts of my mind.

and I have shut all the doors between it and the decent rational fella who sits now at the front of my mind.

 I have committed to working recovery as hard as I let gambling work me.

above all it gifts my mind to be honest, I am compelled to speak the truth, before ga tonight I worked out again in the gym nearly two hours of pushing my body and then a sauna as a reward, I sat with the swimming instructor, I have known her for a few years and tonight I was honest about what I have done and the outcome of my actions, she was shocked yet we found common ground to relate to from it.

 I am driven by those circumstances but equally I want to end the moment of madness that addiction brings for myself.

yes I have a scenario that I would choose as the future outcome but today I accept that I have gambled that choice from being of my own making.

 Just for today 

Duncs 

Hi Duncs,

Glad to read all is well with you .. 

How about Sarah and kids?..and hounds of course?

Wishing you all well

Keep up good work

S&B xx

Hey Dunc,

I hope you have had a good weekend and managed to get to a meeting.

Take it easy buddy.

RR

Oh my goodness!!! 

Hey Duncan! I’m not sure you remember me but I was a member many years ago and you were one of many that helped me curb my gambling for 4 years! Yesterday I returned here a broken woman after relapsing a year ago and accumulating significant debt. On Saturday night/ early Sunday morning I hit an all time low after realising that money is actually not the reason I gamble. Utterly lost and confused I returned here. I’ve been combing through posts and threads all day for old members and there you were. You’re name shone like a warm light. I’m so sorry to read that you relapsed after all that time. I’m finding the whole thing very difficult and the shame I feel is overwhelming.

I’m glad to see that you’re back here and recovering and when my head is in a better place I’ll be right back here catching up properly 

Em x

Morning dear diary 

sandra you’re never far from my thoughts glad you are still working your recovery my dear friend, Sarah is tired and functioning, as always she has been so supportive and although when I look in her eyes I see a great deal of pain I also see an amazingly strong person who lifts the pain from my mind, I have asked her to attend counselling and a ga open meeting with me because I really do believe that she needs to find recovery from this addiction as much as I do, it’s something I will leave for her to decide upon. The hounds are an amazing pair they still gift unconditionally their love and I relish every minute I get to spend with them.

rr I got to another meeting yesterday, that was my third last week, another room another dose of medicine and the reality that I need to get to the rooms as often as I can because I take so much. In all three meetings I have contributed and for it my resolve to be honest is further instilled into my mind.

emma all I can say is give recovery as much effort as you gave to feeding addiction, the outcome will be profound.

 I sit in the middle of a storm today, over three weeks ago I took stock and picked myself up and embraced recovery.

if you read my ramblings you would know that I was advised last time that I relapsed I went from step one in the program to step 6, in fact I was warned and I did that thing were I believed repayment of debt would fix all the wrong and in true form I went at 80-90 hour working weeks and repaid everything I had owed and as a result missed steps 2-5

I will not be making that mistake this time around, I have allowed myself to breathe and actually look at myself, now from that I will spend a life working the steps to enable my life to be the one I seek.

 I will repay everything that I owe but not to my own detriment because without doubt I have done so before and today from that I understand that I first want to and have to work upon myself.

so by sitting inside the storm I understand that I am safe, I have looked after myself and as a result I can step into the storm when it’s appropriate and fix, learn and re educate and then step back out of the storm and build my wall between my mind and addiction.

 I am not running either away, in the wrong direction or into the next storm.

 I have recognised a couple of things that trigger my emotions good and bad and I am giving them their moment in the sun, but rather than reacting instantly I am trying hard to breathe, take a moment and take stock and as a result I will learn to be less irrational.

A trait I have carried my whole adult life.

 I understand the difference between a leap of faith and jumping from a frying pan into the fryer 

just for today I will remember that 

Duncs

Afternoon dear diary 

an early start and finish today which I will use in the best way possible, tonight I have the pleasure of spending some time with Sarah and tomorrow I finish early again and I will be able to attend GA , I missed the meeting I attended last week because we had a staff meeting and opened the doors for shove Tuesday which was a good night so I forwarded my apologies and will this week get two meetings in which I accept will happen at times. I just found myself working recovery in another form I had a lengthy conversation with a fella I have known a few years and he shared his own experience of addiction with me, he had a former business partner who he traded with and the fella was a compulsive gambler so bills and invoices were left unpaid and eventually the business was ruined leaving the fella I know out of pocket and it affected his rights to trade so again I saw that innocent folk , decent people are the real victims of this addiction.

 I know I have emotionally caused a great deal of pain through my last episode of gambling and that will take a great deal of time for those folk to recover from. I will do everything I can to help and I accept that relationships will never be the same again.

 I have given myself the best opportunity for recovery to work from that last punt and I really have approached things in a very different fashion. I am actually using the things I have learnt, I have put so many blocks in place I cannot have a bet, now it’s time to work on me, my mind needs to work with new methods and I need to breathe for myself, I know that this won’t happen overnight and it is a process that I will adopt for life. 
As a result I feel good, I am working hard at work but not ridiculous hours trying to financially fix everything in a heartbeat that gives me the time to work on my defects and my physical health.

 And I feel good about that and I therefore have not procrastinated much, I haven’t felt the urge to either run in the opposite direction or hide under the stairs which is in turn making life feel worthy of the effort I give to living it.

A good friend from the forum emailed me in the past week and said I should live life on life’s terms.

Today my dear friend I am beginning to better understand the outcome of that

for it I thank you 

just for today 

Duncs 

Evening dear diary 

just got in from another GA meeting, didn’t give any therapy personally just pinned my ears back and listened tonight and another dose of medicine and the reality of the effects of gambling addiction on so many folk.

 I got to spend another good hour in the gym before the meeting and had a chat with a fella I met through the gym and he kindly threw my bike in in van and dropped me to GA which meant he drove a fair few miles out of his way, another act of human kindness that truly humbled me.

 I am truly in the groove right now, I am enjoying the outcome, those small actions that say a thousand unsaid words that fill my soul with the ability to seek a better outcome through my choices and to be held accountable for my actions 

I will live life on life’s terms 

just for today 

Duncs 

Dear diary 

had a tough day emotionally today, mind running at 100 miles an hour and as a result I felt utterly defunct, worthless and the situation my gambling has left me feeling totally isolated from the world again, I felt weighed down by these emotions and worked on auto pilot for the best part of the day.

these raw emotions would have had made me seek escape, gamble,drink excessive alcohol or eat and eat but today I believe through my efforts and actions so far meant that I could stand in the storm and weather it, breathe and think rationally about my feelings.

when I finished work I went to the gym and physically exhausted myself and as a result I feel in a better frame of mind.

 I am fully committed to recovery 

just for today 

Duncs 

Dunc,

That is the biggest skill, the hardest bit in my mind. To be able to suffer and not mask it by turning to something else like drink, drugs, food, gambling etc. I’m not really there yet. I’ve stopped gambling but at night I eat an incredible amount of junk. I spoke to my wife about it only yesterday I get a feeling where I’m just uneasy and need something so I’ll eat rubbish. Eventually, Im too full yet the niggling feeling remains.

Good for you getting through that difficult day. You took it on on your terms and won. Came through unharmed and unscathed.

RR

You have done great in the past and show the desire to be fully committed to ur recovery.  You always give 100 percent all the best adam