A Listening Ear.

Hello Charlieboy. Thankyou for your reply. I'm just finding out that what you say is absolutely spot on. As I have not self-excluded from all the sites at once there is a constant internal battle taking place whereby if I wasn't able to gamble I'd save a lot of emotional energy trying not to. I was of the mind that once the dust had settled I could try just allowing myself a tiny set amount of money and time to spend gambling but the counsellor says once a "social gambler" has become a problem gambler they can't go back to being a social gambler again. I do see what she means. Keep going Charlieboy. Thanks again and all the best.

Hi again maker21. I see what you mean about the "rock bottom". It's encouraging to read about those that have got control back. It can't have been easy. Previously any spare time I had was spent watching learn to drive videos on YouTube as I was taking lessons but now with the covid risk to my family I have had to give up my practical lessons and that is when the gambling turned from undesirable to absolute crisis point and just exploded - yes definitely a rock m moment! All the best maker21

Dear Accountability Diary.

In the absence of gambling I think I've developed health anxiety. I've imagined I've had all the conditions under the sun since there has been a huge gambling void in my life. I desperately still want to gamble though. There is this online casino where the minimum deposit is extremely low and I just thought where would the harm be? I knew there'd be no harm at all if I could stick to that initial low deposit but it wouldn't end that way as many of us know. I didn't do it anyway. I've been thinking though and wondering why I'm addicted to the "slots" or should I say video games"? They are something I'd not be bothered with in "real life", so what's the fascinating thing about them? Maybe the visuals are designed to steal you away to another dimension of escapism without you even realising it.

Hi amba , what you are experiencing is really common, a lot including me have that horrible anxiety state after stopping gambling but it will settle give it time. Gambling is not the answer you know that now and really well done for not giving in , I know it's hard but the hard work now will pay off in the future. Time away from gambling is now showing you how all these are designed to drag you in and keep you hooked . You're doing good amba keep it going I feel so so much better now I'm gamble free hope you will too.

Hi amba just saw what you write on bt thread. The anxiety will be a lot better if you self exclude taking the temptation away is huge, don't make things tough for yourself the easier you make it the more likely you are to reach your goal....be gamble free and stay gamble free

Thankyou CharlieBoy. I understand what you mean about the anxiety lessening once self excluded. I wish I could do this but I never was the "rip the plaster off quick" kind of person. It certainly would be beneficial.

Hello Accountability Diary.

I thought once the emotional dust settles and I'd not been gambling for a few days I'd feel more serene, focussed and patient - but I don't. In fact I dislike myself just as much, but in a different way. Having just written that, I must sound as if I've finally eradicated any iota of common sense I had remaining. 

But I haven't given in.

Hello Accountability Diary.

Well I failed. I'd been doing good but then I just had to "escape"from difficult circumstances. Did it make me feel better? - For just the first 10 minutes or so. I gambled on the online slots. I told myself I was just "buying" an hour of entertainment. A bit like buying a cinema ticket. Only a cinema ticket doesn't make you feel worthless, tainted, guilty, etc. I don't want to admit to my counsellor what has happened, I just feel like I can't be fixed.

@amba Honesty is one of the cornerstones of recovery. If you aren't honest there's no point in trying because the habits we develop as a gambler keep us doing what we do. I needed to change and being honest was the first thing I did. You say you don't want to admit to your counsellor what has happened but if you don't then all you do is perpetuate your lying.

Come clean and start again. 

You can be fixed, you just have to allow yourself to be fixed, if fixed is even the right word. Put those blocks in place and by talking honestly to your counsellor. Then keep your diary going, not just after a slip again.

Chris.

Hey amba you've called your diary accountability diary. Coming clean to your counsellor will give you that sense of accountability. I had counselling within days of my husband finding out and then for 8weeks, in the beginning I had a huge problem accepting that I was addicted to gambling and acceptance that I was out of control started me feeling accountable for my actions. This is difficult and complicated by thoughts/ emotions of both ourselves and others. It's not a thing that can be fixed quickly and ultimately there is no permanent fix you will always have to work at it . But amba please believe me it is so worth it, the last few weeks I feel better my mental health is improving, you can get this too. Tell your counsellor you will feel better for saying it ,dust yourself off and try again. I'm happier in my own skin and I'm coping easier with the inevitable c***P life throws up despite lockdown . You can do this amba

Thank you so much to Charlie boy and Chris UK.  I am so grateful for the wisdom and insight from you both. I agree with what you both say completely and will talk some more with my counsellor about it. I know how lucky I have been to get a counsellor so quick so no point in going all quiet now. THanks again both of you and all the best.

Dear accountability Diary.

Still feel rubbish about what happened but I need to try again. It's 3.16am and I'm too tired to make much sense. I'll try to be back tomorrow. 

Here's hoping for peace and serenity to us all.

Hello Amba.

I don't know how the current lockdown will be affecting you and would like you to know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of your gamcare friends.

The last few years must have been very traumatic for you and gambling seemed to be a way of coping or a means of escaping the harsh realities you faced. 

It breaks my heart to think of you assessing the financial damage caused as you look through past financial statements but you need to draw a line under it all and move on.

You were caught in a gambling trap set by unscrupulous people. Please don't feel shame of guilt because you never set out to be a gambling addict, it just happened.

It is time to rediscover yourself and go on to to live the happy, contented and fruitful life which you deserve.

Best wishes

From Stephen 

Hello Stephen. Thankyou so much for your kindness in your reply. I'm sending you some kind thoughts as well.

Hi @amba

I just wanted to check in and see how you were? How are things going? If there is anything we can do to support you, please let us know. We are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and here to listen and support you in every way that we can.

Warmest wishes

Zoe

Forum Admin

Thankyou Zoe.

I'm sat here in tears and wondering which would be worse, the emotional pain of not gambling or the pain from the resulting guilt if I were to gamble and I truly don't know the answer. Probably the pain of regret speaking logically.

I've used gambling to blot out a few painful life situations as I suppose many of us do. Today though, following an event I knew I'd struggle with I'm faced with losing the last line of defense that I had in having to come to terms with my bereavement as I lost my Husband in 2016. There are no longer any hiding places Although time has moved on, I'm still very much "there". It's very, very difficult and I feel beside myself with distress tonight.

That's why I desperately want to gamble and that's what I always would have done. 

I do have a brilliant counsellor through Gamcare so I'll speak about it this week. I always intend to contact the chat option as well, but as ever, I never seem to be able to find the courage

It was nice to have received your message asking how I've been coping, especially as I don't tell another single person that I have suffered been gambling. That's a stressor in itself, so I'm truly grateful for the Gamcare service.

Thankyou very much.