2019 - My Turning Point?

85 days gamble free.

Tonight I go away on holiday for 10 days, feeling pretty pleased with the way 2019 is currently going.

Thanks Smartie ?? It’s lovely to read such nice replies and your encouragement is very much appreciated. Though I’m not sure it’s warranted after today. 

Day 88 

Having gone nearly 3 months without a bet, I woke up today with a different/muddled mindset. 

I don’t know if it’s because I’m away on holiday or what, but I had a sudden urge to look for an online site (sportsbook only) (I have no real interest in casino style games) that wasn’t covered by GamStop. I came across a few, including one site that is just a sportsbook, but given that I’ve always deposited online via PayPal, none of these offered that option. And I am dead against using credit/debit cards as a means of deposit. So I chose not to act on those urges. 

I then went into a local bookies (not a big name one) and thought about placing a bet. I walked towards the machine that allows you to place bets yourself but nothing stood out. Nothing interested me. Within a few minutes I’d got bored of looking and walked out. 

I’m hoping this was just a minor setback and acted as a reminder that I don’t need gambling in my life anymore.

The positive is that I didn’t gamble today and my 88 days is still in tact but maybe I needed that to happen today to help remind me that gambling can also be boring and that there are things to live your life for. 

Posted by: Smartie2

I think that the problem is that you’ve not experienced real devastation in your life and probably still hold a number of pleasant memories. Almost like an ex girlfriend where the split was amicable and thoughts at times wonder back and bring a smile.

I really admire you for being able to stop/realise the waste in such an addiction early and appreciate it’s  difficult when you’re not carrying the debt burden of many.

The only advice I can give is don’t look to gambling to release the boredom do something proactive instead.

Also have a good holiday.

 

?

I think you’re probably right, Smartie.

I’ve lost savings, but I’ve always managed to claw back the damage pretty quickly, within months. As you say, I’ve never had that truly devastating moment in my life when gambling. 

I’m a bit of a strange egg when it comes to gambling. I’m definitely a compulsive gambler, but for some reason I draw the line at debt. Which I guess is handy in the grand scheme of things. 

Usually the urges come and go quite quickly. It’s always worse when I’m off work and I’ve got time on my hands. 

Thanks for taking the time to reply on my diary. Again, it is very much appreciated and I will listen and act upon your sound advice.

Having thought long and hard about things over the last week or so, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is probably not the best/appropriate place for me to be.

My general feelings are that I don’t seem to fit in with a lot of others on here. I don’t really know where I belong on the compulsive gambler spectrum.

Yes, I do have a gambling problem but it seems as though I am in the unique position of being able to half control it to a certain degree. When I gamble, things do run away with me, especially online (which has been blocked off for the last 8 months), but I’ve never crossed that line into borrowing money, either from others or in the form of bank loan/pay day etc. I only ever seem to gamble with spare money that is mine. My bills are always paid on time. I’ve never missed a bill payment in my life. My credit rating is the absolute best it can be. 

I feel with that in mind, I don’t really belong on this forum. That’s not me saying “I’m better than you” or anything like that because I’m most certainly not. I acknowledge that I do have some form of a gambling problem that I need to address.

I’ll hold my hands up and admit that I have had a few bets over the last couple of weeks. No more than a few pound at a time. There is also the fact that there are too many occasions when my friends/work colleagues want to do a ‘harmless’ and ‘fun’ long shot bet, treating it the same way as you would with the lottery. So once I partake in those, I feel like I’m being disloyal to folk on here about my gambling recovery. I feel like I don’t belong here once I’m doing things like that. 

So with that in mind, I am going to take a break from the diaries and see where I end up, perhaps somewhere nearer to the end of 2019. 

I was determined to make 2019 a ‘turning point’ in my life and so far, 7 months in, I feel like I’m doing just that. 

It’s not perfect yet as I’m still gambling the odd bet here and there. But in my honest opinion, so long as things are improving and progress is being made, then that’s good enough for me at the moment. I’ve stopped the bleeding and things are on the up. 

I ask myself, ‘what will I become’? Will I become a responsible gambler in the future? (Is that even possible..)... Will I have a period of gambling responsibly before gradually falling back into my old ways? Or will I eventually just stop gambling altogether? I hope it will be the latter of the three options.

I must admit, I’ve become a little bored with gambling anyway. I’ve realised over the last 8 months or so that there other things in life worth dedicating your time towards. Online gambling made it so much easier to gamble when you’re 50/50 on whether to place a bet. Now, knowing that I have to leave my house to go and place the bet, I’m more likely to decline because I cannot be bothered. To me, it’s not worth the hassle.

I’m sorry if this annoys a few people. In no way am I trying to justify what I’m doing. It’s my own personal situation. I feel more assured and confident in my recovery since I blocked off the online gambling avenue. I feel safe in the knowledge that without that, I can’t do very much damage.

I may be back on here towards the end of the year. I may even be back on sooner if things don’t go too well. 

Thanks for everyone that has helped me along the way over the last few years. Your messages/advice are always much appreciated. I feel like I’m leaving this forum in a much better way than I joined, both mentally and financially. 

Thanks again, Dan

Hi Dan

Everyone is different and has there own stuff to sort out. The important thing for you is that you recognised that you had issues and you have addressed them in your way. Please don’t ever feel that you can’t come on here. I am glad that you have a great deal of self control that many of us here don’t have. Please keep looking in to remind you of the devastation that gambling can cause when the compulsive behaviour takes over. Just stay on top of it. For me I just can’t bet again because my gambling became progressively worse and eventually out of control. Don’t let this happen to you! All the very best. 

Rob

Posted by: DeterminedDan

I ask myself, ‘what will I become’? Will I become a responsible gambler in the future? (Is that even possible..)... Will I have a period of gambling responsibly before gradually falling back into my old ways? Or will I eventually just stop gambling altogether? I hope it will be the latter of the three options.

Dan as I've always said im very much envious of you for being able to stop what youre doing before doom and destruction rear their ugly heads, there are countless CG's across the world that would kill for that magic power of yours ?  

However as rob has eloquently pointed out please don't ever think this couldn't happen to you one day, once upon a time I wouldn't dream of getting of getting myself into debt gambling, the stakes just kept increasing subtly, ever so quietly and without me ever really realising or noticing, a bit like my beer belly! ?

I think it all boils down to stakes for you. Keep an eye and a half on your stakes. Set limits, stay in control of your limits... Don't exceed them, if you find yourself increasing stakes through lack of control or chasing, get your a**e back on here pronto.

Stakes are what paved the way for my demise. Remember bigger stakes equal a heavier hit of dopamine and that my friend, is essentially why we do what we do - it was never for the money.

Stakes - I'll say it again... Stay in control of those stakes.

All the best buddy... You will be missed! ✌️

Posted by: DeterminedDan

I only ever seem to gamble with spare money that is mine. My bills are always paid on time. I’ve never missed a bill payment in my life. My credit rating is the absolute best it can be. 

By the way, I could have written this 5 or 6 years ago... The gambling just got the better of me before I ever knew it... It definitely has something to do with me developing my 'system' which ended up being a system for total destruction but there you go...

Anyway my point is if you ever feel like you're losing control just get back to what you've been doing. Personally I hope you just give it up completely over time but thats only because when you write sometimes it feels like you are extracting passages from my life 5 or 6 years ago, before it all blew up in my face.

Anyway take care buddy.

Hi & good Luck,

Can't help feeling that everyone knows what's coming ( except you ). You couldn't imagine how happy i'd be if i was wrong. We make choices, sometimes right, sometimes wrong. Safe journey mate & this place will welcome you back with open arms if you later discover you've made the wrong choice. I mean this in the nicest possible way honestly, I HOPE WE NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

Thanks for your responses guys. ??

Just to clarify, I’m not going out there to prove a point to anyone, including myself. I don’t for one moment think I’ve sussed it or got control of my addiction. I’ve thought that many times before and it’s always ended up the same way. 

However, the difference this time is that I have no online access to gambling which is an absolute game-changer. For example, next weekend I’ll be going with a load of friends to see my team play away from home. They’ll all be putting a bet on of some sort. It’s sort of part of the tradition of the day. Along with getting some food, having a few drinks etc. Call me dumb, but I don’t want to miss out on that. It’s not that that I find problematic. It’s been the online roulette which has destroyed me and left me chasing in the past. A few £ on a Saturday bet with my friends doesn’t have that same effect. 

However, I know I couldn’t open an online account and do that same Saturday bet because I’d possibly be too tempted to chase money on the casino section. So without the online option, I feel safe. Much like I now do with my drinking, I only want to have a bet when I’m with friends and they know exactly what I’ve spent. I don’t want to do anything in secret anymore. 

Posted by: DeterminedDan

Having thought long and hard about things over the last week or so, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is probably not the best/appropriate place for me to be.

My general feelings are that I don’t seem to fit in with a lot of others on here. I don’t really know where I belong on the compulsive gambler spectrum.

Yes, I do have a gambling problem but it seems as though I am in the unique position of being able to half control it to a certain degree. When I gamble, things do run away with me, especially online (which has been blocked off for the last 8 months), but I’ve never crossed that line into borrowing money, either from others or in the form of bank loan/pay day etc. I only ever seem to gamble with spare money that is mine. My bills are always paid on time. I’ve never missed a bill payment in my life. My credit rating is the absolute best it can be. 

I feel with that in mind, I don’t really belong on this forum. That’s not me saying “I’m better than you” or anything like that because I’m most certainly not. I acknowledge that I do have some form of a gambling problem that I need to address.

I’ll hold my hands up and admit that I have had a few bets over the last couple of weeks. No more than a few pound at a time. There is also the fact that there are too many occasions when my friends/work colleagues want to do a ‘harmless’ and ‘fun’ long shot bet, treating it the same way as you would with the lottery. 

Hi Dan,

I don’t think us gamblers feel like we belong in lots of ways.

i first attended GA in 1988 and (we were all men) that either I’d never sink as low as the hardened older horse/ casino guys, or I felt contempt for the ‘fruit machine’ fiends as I felt that a distinctly lower form of gambling than the bookies.

not feeling that ‘I belonged’ there was the worst mistake of my life.

I still don’t comprehend some forms of gambling like on-line slots, I don’t comprehend people abstaining for 9 months then losing 15k in an evening but I know this much - I’ve got much more in common with them than mates who have a fiver footie bet once a week.

anyone who steps through the door of GA or creates an account on here clearly has an issue with gambling. I’d say 98% of the ones who subsequently think they can go back to gambling normally and up back where they started.

Hi Dan,

I too thought I didn't belong here, I also don't gamble into debt and likewise a great credit rating, but as my missus points out, the money I lose gambling, whilst "spare" and "my own" could be better spent on things for us, the house, holidays, or put into savings for old age.  I don't do online gambling or anything like that, so in some ways find it difficult to relate, but admit I'm the same in that I'm a gambling addict!

To be fair to you Dan, what you do have going for you that most CG's who were once at your stage in the progressive illness didn't have going for them is that you admit you have a problem and you've accepted you have a problem.

This self-awareness and acceptance should probably be enough to see you through, regardless of whether you continue to use this self-help resource regularly or not.

Oh yeah, and also accepting you have this problem meets the criteria for membership here so you do fit in and you do belong after all! ?

Posted by: DeterminedDan

We’re now into 2019 as 2018 passes by into the distance.

Like many on here, 2018 was a tough year. For me, it was divided into 3 parts. The first 1/3 of the year was bad. I lost about 2k. The middle 1/3 I abstained totally from any sort of gambling and managed to save a lot of money. I was happy and at peace. I had such a great Summer with friends and family. Even work seemed great!

Then finally the final 1/3 was where I lost all my Summer savings (and some). Overall I reckon I lost about 4k due to gambling in 2018. It’s crazy when you write it down in words. 4k is a lot of money to some people, but to me it’s a huge amount! I must have staked around about 15k-20k in those 12 months. Again, utterly ridiculous! I guess I’m lucky in a way to have not come out of it much worse!

So, 2019 is the year that I strive to sort myself out. I have all the possible blocks in place that I can have. I have set myself some realistic and achievable goals for the year for me to focus on. Now it’s time to prove to myself and others that I can change.

Sometimes, bad things can happen which make it a bad year. Things that are totally out of our control and that we can do nothing about. But gambling is something that we have the power to control.

It’s time to give yourself the best possible oppourtunity for a great year.

Let’s do this!    

£4k loss in a year is absolutely nuts.

I wouldn’t use comparisons with people on HERE as a barometer of health.

good you’re debt free but what about opportunity loss?

i don’t really see a set ‘type’ on here- but very different stories and degrees. There’s no ‘thing’ to fit into.

In my experience grandstand departures turn out badly. I really hope yours doesn’t turn out that way. 

I do wonder if in fact the issue is that you’re not connecting with people in a way you find satisfactory on here?

That might not be to do with how addicted you are.  But to do with openness and honesty. Over-sensitivity is rife in addicts.

Not to say you can’t leave. Of course you can-GC is not a cult. But this feels more like a call for help.

Why can’t you meet with friends and not gamble? Because you’re a gambling addict.

in spite of your protestations to the contrary, you ARE distancing yourself from people on here with the end game of.....wait for it....... giving yourself a green light to gamble.

Louis

Dan

The other thing I was thinking is (looking at the title of your diary) that you might be keen to initialise this 'turning point' in your life as 2019 passes through and we head towards Christmas... Perhaps it was a sub-conscious target for you to 'achieve' something of this nature within the year.

You could be forcing the issue for the sake of this achievement? Just putting this out there... You may or may not be aware consciously of this need to 'get the job done' in 2019... You may or may not be paying attention to whether you are actually ready for this departure or not if the aforementioned is the case...

From what I can see you relate well to others on here, your posts are full of insight and you definitely are a CG because when you post those entries about times when you wander into a bookies the blow-by-blow accounts you give are so relatable, not just to me no doubt... Yet you feel like you don't belong on this platform.