Hi im now 12 days gf longest ive done in a long long time, dearly hoping this is my "forever change". I've had all the support going in the past and as with all of us hurt so many close family and friends that people immediately around me have no real support left to give. One of my huge problems is dealing with the shame and the stigma of gambling and relapses. I hide the truth always. Go counselling but as soon as i start gambling again stop going etc etc. So far the 12 days ive done by myself wit a lot of difficult times but ultimately am cautiously proud of myself but very aware that if I dont access some support I will ultimately be unable to keep it up. So hoping being here and being honest will keep me going. Good luck to everyone else with their recoveries too
Welcome to the diaries Miked and congratulations on accepting the fact that you must stop gambling if you are to have any quality of life.
It pleases me to read that you are now 13 days into your journey of recovery for that is a good foundation stone for the gamble-free life you wish to live.
I think you will agree that friends & family lose patience with compulsive gamblers because they hear the same old sob stories time after time and eventually it just falls on deaf ears. The only way one can win back peoples trust is by ceasing to give hard-earned money to wealthy bookmakers.
Onto day 16, am actually doing it, as hard as it is to believe. At first it was just dont gamble dont gamble now as the mist slowly lifts I remember exactly why I need to stop gambling, sleep has become easier, work has become easier, homelife has become easier. The weekend is not one big stress to be dreaded but something I can actively look forward to knowing I will not let my partner and kids, and also myself down.
It is still early days I know and Monday is payday which is a challenge but I feel ready and I am writing about it here rather than hiding my own fears in my head which I think sometimes gives me a get out later down the line.
On we go....
Many thanks for posting on my diary Miked. I appreciate your support and good advice.
Payday for you on Monday so sincerely hope that everything goes well.
You are nearly 3 weeks into your journey of recovery and have a great attitude. I look forward to following your progress over the coming days and weeks.
Thanks Stephen much appreciated that you have taken the effort again to visit and comment my page.
Halfway through payday and still on track. Long promised repayments actually made on this payday instead of broken promises. Temptation has been greater today I have to admit, I know this is to be expected in a way but there is a knot in my stomach which I have not missed. Have had to do some calm breathing exercises a few times and take a calming walk around the grounds of my office but the feelings do pass, I have to keep reminding myself of that. 18.5 days in on the road to becoming a version of myself I actually like, I really do not want to have to restart this journey again....
Thanks Murlo. now onto d20, negotiated payday very happy with that but still a very testing period id say next few days. Feeling strong though. Chatroom very useful and given me a few things to ponder. Have browsed diaries of other people - struck by the raw honesty in them. Through good and bad I think people having the guts to write their truths is very inspirational feel like there are a lot of good people around here. I still feel like a lot of my life is just existing, after 20 yrs of gambling cloud I have switched off so many emotions and become numb to a lot of things. I wish I could write more sometimes but sometimes not much more to write. I trust/hope in time these feelings and emotions will come back more and more but for now I know I am so much further on than I was 20 days ago. In chat today the point was raised about difference between abstaining from bet and working on recovery which was a fantastic point and though I can honestly say I feel am working on recovery right now its something I need to be conscious of not lapsing back into.
Diary Entry - D21
One thing I not mentioned on here yet is debts. I have large complex issues with HMRC that at a lot of points I have no doubt used as an excuse to myself that would prevent a full recovery to enable me to keep gambling, keep focussing on that mountain and you wont have to deal with the molehills! From previous experience in recovery though I know that in time dealing with things one step at a time really does help the bigger picture.
Anyway having barely though about the debts over past 20 days or so last night I struggled to sleep as they entered my conscience. So today I did something about it and made a first step by contacting Business Debtline. Its a very first step and so much further to go before I get anywhere near resolving the issue but am glad am out of ostrich mode with that and it is something I have noticed that as issues pop up in my head I am pro-actively dealing with them now. I guess that's a good thing, even though today slightly annoyed me as the webchat lasted over 2 hours making me miss the chatroom on here but overall I have still made steps forward today. The debt still petrifies me if am honest as it is so uncontrolled and even the experts are having issues picking it apart and I have no idea what is going to happen to me in the new tax year and knock on effect on my family but as common sense should have always dictated to me, dealing with these things is much better than hiding.
Tomorrow I will ensure I don't miss chat and hopefully feel less stressed than I have done today
Thank you so much for visiting my diary and for your lovely comments. They meant a lot. I haven't read my whole diary for a while but might just do that today. I don't think it ever does any harm to reflect on progress. I am definitely in a good place right now.
It sounds s though you have taken a huge step today in beginning to tackle debt. I hope that you can have a plan in place pretty quickly for what sounds like a really complex issue. I felt a huge weight lift when got plans in place for my debts. I am content to live with less disposable income now. It seems strange to say that when I spent years trying to chase money.
You are making great strides in your recovery, already 3 weeks in. I look forward to talking to you again in chat some time soon.
Just checking in, when I devote the time to thinking about gambling/my recovery etc then it is a swirl of emotions really. On one hand I am genuinely very proud of the now past 3 weeks and 1 day gf and I have done a lot of positive things in that time and can see a future with a lot more positive things to come if i stay gf. On the other hand, I dont feel much improved in the day to day stuff, work is still a struggle where i am very guilty of severe lack of productivity most days and at home I dont feel I have been any happier or more fun to be around for my kids and partner. Im genuinely not sure if I have it in me to be more emotive or not - I was always known as serious even in my young teen years pre- gambling, I hope I dont stay this way forever. more than anything I want to find the ability/strength to make my children laugh each night rather then just being there.
Sorry for neglecting you diary! A few days since my last diary with some ups and downs. One of those downs is that my employer seems to have had a reclassification of permitted sites and has excluded gamcare which has made it more difficult to get on. Ways around this but it is an annoyance. Other downs - definite lack of energy despite a much improved diet and going gym a lot. Some "old" feelings of frustration also resurfaced in terms of being invited to do things with my mates and not being able to afford to do so. Now in past Id have always gambled to try to afford and just kept going until nothing left and never got out with them anyway but at least now I accept i genuinely just cant do it and havent sacrificed anything else in pointless attempt to do so but its still an annoyance. I have a really good group of friends still who aren't putting loads of peer pressure on or anything (its simply the match and a few drinks after I cant afford at min) and I know in time ill be able to do a few more things then I can do now but inherently theres still a deep jealous streak in me.
There have been ups too though. Main one is my partner told me am a much better person when not gambling so even though proper discussion of my gambling with her is off the table she has clearly recognised a change in me that ive possibly not felt myself. Other good things are that ive been able to cope with work and some mad sudden urgent pieces of work that i wouldnt have been able to do few weeks ago. Also some good health news for my Mum which I can clearly see has been a massive relief for here. I have also started process of getting f2f counselling which I am really looking forward to I know that will be a massive help if i stay honest and manage to see the course through this time.And lastly, i am now almost 28 full days GF which will help the latter.
many congratulations on 4 weeks gamble free. I am delighted to hear the news about your mum and also that your partner is seeing a difference in you. You say you cannot quite see it in yourself yet but your reflection on how you are coping with pressures at work says it all. So pleased you have f2f support arranged. Great progress and a lovely post to read.
Thank you for your kind words on my diary and I am glad you could get something from my post.
Congrats on your progress so far and the counselling is a great positive step forward. In regards to not being able to do things with your friends right now, that'll come in time.
You are doing really well and speak soon in chat I am sure