Preface/warning: long rant/vent/boring self indulgent essay. and sorry if I sound like a broken record as well
I moved back with parents in 2018 when I was 35. Ever since 2017 all I wanted to move back to my old town on the coast to make things right. I left my old job in 2017 to join a small biz in Swindon. This failed. I realised I did nothing age 23-34. No relationships at ALL, no hobbies, no travelling, bad habits, s**t job (the latter of the four I could handle, only ever worked for money).
Unemployed for 18 months, started gambling mid 2018, 12k debt soon after. After 6 failed interviews got a job mid 2019, in month of gambling got it up to £35k debt - I'm a binge gambler (usually, not always). Can go weeks or sometimes months and then f**k it all up.
Now I can't move out, have to work sh*te job for 18 months living in this town. Sucks as I placed a lot of mental and emotional energy/hope of getting things done before I was 40. Am 37. Just can't do it, can't get back to the old coastal town in my old location with an OK job. At he home town, paying it off slowly, slowly, the hard way. Job is s**t, I'm basically living like a teenager again. Went to the docs, diagnosed but the nhs was no help after 5 anti depressants, had to self medicate.
New years eve 2019: got an email from a site I didn't self exclude from and they put a fairly small amount into my balance to goad me into trying again I suppose, got it up to a huge amount over several days but compounded with my own money I was depositing. Collected about £xx in pending withdrawals. Over several days most of the withdrawals were just sitting there (had xk payout). the 'VIP manager' says congrats, but only pay out X amount each week and were's gonna need some verification, your debit card. I said I already sent this but here you go. Waiting. Fantasied on the walk home from work about ringing up creditors, "I wish to pay off the full balance please".
One night when 'celebrating' I did the whole lot apart from £x. What the f**k. It's like everything changed - i.e. like it was supposed to be, losing rather than a period of freak winning. Could've taken the £x and still had only xxk left to pay in debt. Manageable. Did the x two days later.
I remember being at the kitchen with my parents drinking wine the night before. I should've told them about the pending withdrawals. I should've shown them how I could've paid all debts mostly and ask them to look after/hide my phone.
Was still in credit on my overdraft, long story short I got another x in total on two websites with x in. Gave myself a target and then walked despite being tipsy. A second chance. Again stalling for a week. Want bank statements. Again, did x and woke up the next morning and walked to the bus stop feeling like topping myself. A week later x went too after stalling.
In between I was putting money on haphazardly and banking on the x. Ended up being 2k over my overdraft, had to beg bank to temporarily increase my overdraft which would decrease X amount each month. Total of about £x ish "down" over a few weeks. More importantly x down for real since I started this ridiculous campaign. Two sets of deposits came out of the bank a week later and I didn't account for them. Great money management in this case, huh. It tends to get lax when you're on tilt.
I've gone through all the justifications. You have to forget the past and concentrate on the future. All wins are future losses. The winnings were just gambling tokens.
But the painful truth is if those pending withdrawals went through, all the debts would be paid. My credit rating has gone to s**t. I can't even get a normal bank account with no overdraft now (in 2016 I got a x credit card interest free for 24 months, funnily enough I used this one to racked up part of the debt).
So in essence paying off the debt would mean even if I did gamble again it would 'only' be my own money as I can't get any more. Something I can live with till payday. But I really really wanted to buck the trend and end up 'up'. Turns out I'm not so special after all. I thought I'm just going to have to go back to 'hard mode' - normal mode for a normal person! - and make the money back after over the long term from the job.
Two weeks after this I was suddenly fired from the job. Failed the extended probation. Terrible timing. Thought it was going fine. If I knew this 2 weeks before I would have my smartphone in the bin, or done something to not have access to it, at the time to prevent touching the withdrawals, I would told them a week before I got the 'warning' letter a variation of 'you can't fire me I quit!' and just resigned.
I could've started looking for jobs all over southern England, albeit with a strong prefer for the coastal town. As it is I'm stuck in this town and have to take what's going (can't drive - yeah i'm one of 'those' guys who never bothered). There aren't many jobs here. Especially not suitable office jobs, it took me 18 MONTHS and 6 interviews to get one round here last time. Admittedly a lot of that is to do with my poor skillset and a tendency to just go with the flow, hoping it goes alright.
I'm sending out letters hoping the creditors agree a grace period, but it's not looking good. You might say, why, you're lucky, you live with your parents, you don't have any kids or a partner and no house to lose! Well that's it, I'm a manchild at age 37. I've managed to make it 37, not had one proper relationship, have no possessions than a ps4, other minor things, an 8 year old computer despite working for 12 years at a 'proper' job, £37k in debt and live with parents. No developed interests or hobbies, no memories. The last job I took paid less per hour than the very first one I took at age 23 if you take into account inflation. If you've heard about Jordan Peterson (not a huge fan myself) he'd point at me as the quintessential loser - an example of what could happen if you younger guys down get your s**t together. Sure I could be homeless or in prison.. actually thought about prison in an immature/naive way and considered if I'd prefer to be a low security prison for 12 months if I came out debt free.
I take full responsibility for all of this nonsense.
It's over guys unless a miracle happens. Each year has been worse than the last. Doctor told me 'it does get better' in 2018 while prescribing me anti depressants. Well it got worse, and worse again in 2019 and 2020. Isn't it a little bit like gambling in a sense? It might get better! The last 10 spins of roulette lost, but you might win this time.
I probably sound a touch narcissistic in a way, consider others have lost homes and marriages and more. But I never experienced much and I'm angry at myself more than anything for sabotaging everything, with some bad luck here and there, and there is a point where it is too late for certain things - you get stuck in your ways (e.g. being alone) and don't want to change. I wanted those things back then, I;m not going to retire, is there any point in getting a first mortgage at age 50? The 'entertainment' I had last month might have set me back 10 years if I go bankrupt. Whoops. I haven't gambled for.. maybe 3 weeks, I don't care. I'm not sure I can take 4 years of living in this town, living in a room of my long suffering parents' house.
Drinking cheap 7.5% cider at the moment, found some pound coins too. A far cry from my x bets on red (covering zero of course).
Good morning - sorry to read your story - it does sound like its gone from bad to worse. But, things could improve.. there’s no magic wand, but a few things I would recommend you do just from my own experiences with gambling and debts etc. Firstly, you say your credit rating has been ruined, with that in mind and without being able to keep up with repayments - you could consider an IVA. My friend went through one and actually it was a lot easier than we both thought. She got herself into too much debt and wasn’t able to do any debt consolidation due to destroying her credit rating. She now pays back a manageable amount monthly and the good thing is they deal with all the creditors on your behalf. She opened a new basic bank account with no credit facilities whatsoever. She’s so much better off mentally and financially. I was really worried about her but things are much more positive for her now. The IVA will affect her ability to get a mortgage or any credit really for 6 years, but in 6 years she will be able to start afresh. The second thing I would recommend is Gamstop. I have signed up for a five year block on all online gambling. Since I signed up I haven’t even tried to find a site I am not excluded from. You see, even if I did this and won, any winnings could and probably would be declared void as when you join Gamstop you commit to no online gambling whatsoever. Therefore whenever you try to open a gambling account you would be blocked . If you did manage to open one then it’s highly likely the company would then block any withdrawal of winnings as you’ve signed up knowing you’re not supposed to. Personally I hand on heart have not even attempted to do any online gambling since I joined Gamstop - it’s nigh on impossible anyway. Thirdly and most importantly is to discuss your problems - your parents I’m sure would rather have a chance to help you than be in the dark about it all. Six years is a long time sure, but then there would be a chance to financially start again and look forward to creating a new future for yourself one that doesn’t involve all the destruction of gambling. With gambling it takes enjoyment from other aspects of your life and you find you enjoy everything much much less. In time this changes and you could begin to find yourself wanting to pursue other interests or hobbies etc if you set yourself free from the gambling.
Oh my goodness @sardo122
You poor poor soul (no pun intended) listen. I am 36 I had been gambling since I was 26. I dread to think of how much id spent on it.
Your in debt, so what. It's not the end of the world. Call stepchange and ask for a DRO, as long as your situation doesn't change over a year you'll be debt free at the end. I am due to complete mine next month.
Youranswer isn't at the bottom of an empty alcohol bottle, just like it's not on the next spin. The answer to your problems lay deep within. You need to work out what needs to change so you don't have triggers anymore.
Someone explained it to me like this, you have a little monster (subconscious) trying to goad you back into it. It's a mindtrap, don't fall into it.
I'm 158 days free.... Take one day at a time and things will get better like your Dr said.
Gambling has to stop, it's ruining you.
Take care buddy
Spend x
Ok so we’ve all heard the story some will call it unlucky , sad, depressing
Others will say you played with fire and you got burnt ……..
At the end of the day set the depression aside and you are fit ,healthy and have a roof over your head
Life may not be ideal but the reality is its not ideal for a lot of people heck im currently typing this post whilst sitting in my boring office job you could possibly imagine
I work with 2 middle age women who want to listen to an 80’s only radio station from 8am until they leave at 4pm they sing along too ……..I feel like ive listened to dirty dancing and final countdown about 120 times this week , some mornings I feel like driving my car off a bridge before I get here
Far from ideal I can assure you ………but il be leaving here this year il be moving jobs and I will increase my free time by around 30% this will allow me to pursue other interests / ventures this goal is what has kept me going whilst settling gambling related debt I had built up in my early 20’s
You need to let go of the money …….its gone you will make more money you cant make more time
Every day you waste complaining about it is another day that you could be using to repair the damage
Sardo...its good to pour your feelings out. I understand. Ive been there...I often look at my life with regret but Ive got to snap out of it and carry on
You are not alone in finding thinks tough but you cant overthink things. You have to get something out of life or you would just give up. when you love yourself others will relate to you more
You mention the painful truth..well the truth is you should not be anywhere near gambling activity...it isnt the answer and you are living the mess it creates..the gambling Must stop.
I understand the job situation.... I lost all ambition...for years nobody would employ me for every other reason than my abilities.
Youve got to look at this from a different perspective...in every dream home a heartache...you are looking at others with regret and envy...its not easy bringing up kids or keeping a relationship together. The grass is not always greener and I know it sounds twee but you've got to look at what you have...theres no other way unless you just want to give up.
Talk to us...why are you scared of bankruptcy...thats whats its there for when people can take no more financially...your stuff does not ultimately matter if your mental health is going down the drain. I surrounded myself with stuff and made little difference to my true happiness
You obviously feel trapped...have you not reached a point where you should just go travelling...life is about experiences and if you feel trapped you wont get out there...Its not ultimately about what you own.
I have a job in the hospitality industry now and I really like it...I never thought of this sort of work a couple of years ago.
If you wallow and let the self pity take over it will c*****e you mentally so you will be old before your time...I dont actually know what to say to you...reminding you of any simple pleasures like music just sounds twee when you feel so down.
Youve got to let go of this mental baggage and walk free somehow. I read a lot of philosophy and other books. Youve got to look at the bigger picture and free your mind. I would travel the world which I plan to do
Let the creditors worry about the debts...they write off many debts per year as thats the risks of their business
Theres people around the world living on a dollar a day...theres people in hospital now with food and breathing tubes coming out of their necks...youve got to start looking at that perspective perhaps do some volunteering to help others...it wont focus on you so much.
Talk to us. are you ready to hear what we say? If you are feeling depressed nothing will seem right...you need help and you need financial advice.
Take it easy cos people care about you
Look you have your health you have your parents they are there be grateful for that Money comes and Go's like the tide (I am on hear as I have just lost £600) in less than 5 Minutes and I really desperately want to chase it but I no I have to STOP
Especially after reading your story so you have helped me and I thank you for that!!!
Everyone has a vice mine is gambling!!!
I have to now get my s**t together and pull myself out of this because I too could rant on about my s**t life..... But surly you live in a coastal town go surfing get a dog...or get into kite-surfing do something whole-sham and active bye the sounds of it your a character.
Dear Sado, thank you sincerely for writing this post and pouring out your heart. While things sound bleak and painful perhaps you can find some comfort in that by writing what you did you may well have saved another person's life... mine. There's not many people that have that as an achievement.
Sado, I relate to everything you wrote and roulette is also my addiction and cause of misery. In brief, I turned 50 in November. I was gambling my head off as much as I could where I could even after barring myself from every place in town (casinos, bookies, arcades, bingo clubs) and I even sold my car so I couldn't drive 18 miles to the nearest services. I could a taxi thereafter. Gambling addiction can feel so lonely and I think I am the only person causing such madness and chaos in my life; those thoughts inevitvably lead to others that eventually lead to wanting to end it all. But then I come to this site, and I read your post - and others like it. I realise I am not alone and that many other people understand my crazy lifestyle and can relate to it.
I could write more but at this stage I think I just want to say thank you and to acknowledge the pain we create for ourselves through our choices to gamble. I do believe there is hope, always, so I will agree with your Doctor on that one, even if it can take us a while to get their, but for every moment we stay alive, keep fighting no matter how hard and keep visiting and posting on forums like this... yes, there is always hope. Cling on to that please, I am just hanging in their myself but I am not going to give up trying. I have gambled so many times in life and cause so much damage and debt along the way but I realise that to face this addiction head on I must be the strongest and disciplined I have ever been. As I write this now, just 12 hours or so after a large loss on roulette, my mind is consumed with nothing but gambling thoughts of returning to the casino to win back my loss from last night and of course a 'small' profit on top. So hard to fight these thoughts when its the next day and they are so strong. However, what's making me get out my laptop and type here, rather than get in a taxi and go their, is knowing that I can never achieve any kind of peace, hapiness or contentment when I am in a gambling environment. Therefore its simple maths (in principle) in that win or lose, I still won't get what I want from gambling. Perhaps, this time... the penny might drop a little further.
Thank you again mate and you are truly not alone as since reading your post I will be thinking of you and others whose posts I am reading every single day from here on in. We need not sabotage ourselve anymore.
Cheers, Simon.
hi sardo, I genuinely think u would be in as much credit debt as you could physically get, if they let you have a million pounds credit u would be that in debt now. true?. so be thankful its 37k and not 370k or 3700k. Just try to stop thinking about money that's ur problem and was mine is mine too..... We are both same age im 39 and are both at home with parents..... Lets just be thakfull we live in uk? yes? if we didn't have our parents we would be on the streets? yes? buck up your thoughts? yes? u like living life on the edge? take up base jumping not roulette playing instead. all the best mate adam
I've just update my recovey diary sado and wanted to drop by your thread to ask how your day has been? If its been a day without gambling thats a great day no matter what else has happened or is going on. Take it easy and hope to hear back with an update. Cheers, Simon.
I really appreciate all of the responses.
Sure I could've done 370k but that was never going to happen as I wouldn't get that amount of credit. I think the crude point I was making is that considering I cannot get any credit any more, not even a normal bank account (can get basic), is that if those debts were gone then it would've only been my own money rather than tens of thousands of debt to be dealt with.
In terms of IVA, my limited understanding was that the main plus point of it was to save any major assets you have (i.e. a house/mortgage). I'll have to look into it further.
@Givemethebuzz Bankruptcy is kinda worrying as gambling tends to be punished especially if further debt is recent. You might have to roll with 3-5 years of disposable income being taken away. Is that much better than a DMP if you live with parents? Also, I will have to include a family member's debt in bankruptcy. Gamcare Mods have blanked out most of the numbers I mentioned (probably for a good reason, triggers etc) so it's now kinda confusing. But won't be able to pay them back preferentially until the bankruptcy is discharged unless I come with something else.
I'm sorry to hear that you're in the same situation as me, or have been in it which is awful. But I'm glad that you can take solace or something positive from my rambling posts. It is indeed sometimes helpful to hear from someone who is in the shi* from gambling, perhaps having other issues on the side.
I somehow need to be able to extract at least some of my last partial paycheck from my overdrawn bank account so I can plan a contingency for the next 2-5 months. Stepchange advised that it's a 'first right of appropriation' but I'm not sure they'll see it that way. I came to an agreement some weeks ago than my seven grand overdraft (over the limit by two thousand) would be decrease in steps, and the first decrease is due on the 28th. Then cancel direct debits and ask for card payments to switch over to another payment method. I'm particularly concerned about my life insurance. Mobile phone being cut off will be a problem as well for job search. Waiting on another bank account to be set up, had some issues with it. Far cry from waiting to have a thirty thousand pound positive bank balance last month.
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
@Joyrider Yeah I know this sounds self pitying. Cringey also. But this is more than gambling in a way, this the last straw. Even though gambling to £35k in debt is a major factor. And then gambling myself OUT of 35k debt and then losing my job and having no real prospects. Say I do bankruptcy over 3-5 years... what then? My own fault obviously, but I'll have no disposable income and even more limited job opportunities and have to rely on guarantors to just get a flat somewhere. It's not that much but in 2016 I had rented a 2 bedroom flat 5 mins from the beach. Finally started saving. If you don't like your 'career' (most ppl have a job rather than a career) you either have to do the whole mortgage, wife and kids. Or have some sort of hobby or passion to take you through. Or thirdly earn enough money to look forward to an earlier retirement. If you have none of these three, you might be in trouble.
>> more self pity ahead
I never had huge issues with gambling until 2018 - lost a some here and there tho. But I have other issues... I remember laying down in bed for 10 hours at a time when the small biz thing failed, thinking how could I have screwed up this badly at this stage. A Ha! I thought several months later, I'll go back to my old town and salvage what I have left of my 30s. I looked up meetup.com and found a 30 something group on there, pub. My limited old entourage (consisted of about one person). But it never happened, failed the one interview I got offered.
I'm in the bottom 1% for a few things, mostly self imposed, but some bad luck. I can't even relate to women my own age – who have likely been dating for 20 years - like normal men too. I'm not a virgin technically, had one long distance relationship, but imagine going on a 'first' date at 42 with a divorcee with adult children (nothing against divorcees, just pointing out the breadth of the issue) when you have less experience than the average teenager it's rather comical. Plus after around 34-36.. or so you tend to get stuck in your ways. What is part of life for 99% of people now is inverse for you. The brain has neuroplasticity, but over a long period of time it tends to become fixed.
Haven't gambled since the massive loss/loss of wins (hell I lost 8k of my own credit too). Get my last partial wage this tuesday. Still trying to figure out how to deal with taking it out in case I'm unemployed for some time. Living like a legit b*m at the moment too with high strength cider consumed by the litre.
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